Page 4 | To cut this "friend" off?

JustifiedHussy · 2025-01-08T16:19:52+00:00

NC for this. Im going to use friend lightly in this as im beginning to think this person isn't actually my friend at all. However I don't know if I'm being abit sensitive as it's just been one thing after another today. I was invited out for lunch today by a "friend". As soon as we met up, they kept pushing for me to say i would pay for the food by saying they had paid for my birthday meal last time we were out so it was my turn. I simply said I wasn't the person who asked to come out and I was either happy to pay for myself or just go home. (I'm skint, on mat leave and dont get paid until Fri). After lunch we went for a walk where they started bringing up situations from my past. It started with "i saw x the other day, he's aged, said he saw you a few days ago with baby and he's sad you've moved on since the RO". I just said "that's nice" and changed the subject. They then carried on their coversation and said things like "you know I've always loved you, even when you were a psycho 17/18yo", "there's no psycho quite like you" etc. I have alot of childhood/relationship trauma which this friend knows about. They also know the amount of effort I have put in to my self and my own mental health in order to healthily deal with the shitty early life I was dealt. I don't know what to do. Have I overreacted? AIBU to tell them to Foff and go NC? *edited to correct a punctuation error

ooooohnoooooo · 09/01/2025 08:40

Well good morning.

Just dropping in to say that your 'friend' is anything but.

Friendships are supposed to enhance your life. To make you feel fabulous. To help you through the hard times. To share the good times. To think positively about each other, to go out if your way to nurture them, bring positivity and joy to each others' lives. To have someone's back. To look forward to seeing each other.

With my lovely friends we usually have a mini squabble over who's going to pay because we both always think it's our turn 😂 (and when one of us is harder up than the other we talk about that and say 'look your turn next time or when you're back on your feet' or we do something low cost/no cost instead so there's no obligation or embarrassment. ) in other eyes, we are considerate of the other's situation and actively work to make it better.

These are your friendship goals. It sounds like you've been incredibly strong, resourceful and have worked yourself out of a tricky start in life. That's bloody wonderful (and impressive) and you deserve only the best from now on. Don't settle for shit as you deserve much better. You deserve excellent friends who will enrich your life and vice versa.

Don't waste a scrap more energy on this person. Look forward, move on, find your tribe /person and have a wonderful life. You really, really deserve it. ❤️

BrightonFrock · 09/01/2025 09:47

This “friend” has cast you in the role of the chaotic person in her life - and now that things have improved for you, she doesn’t like it and wants to put you back in that box. That’s why she’s bringing up distressing times in your past; why she’s “affectionately” telling you that you’re a bit of a psycho 🙄 but she still loves you… she wants to keep you where you were back then, and to create the impression that she’s someone who stayed a loyal friend through it all, who you therefore need.

You don’t. No one needs this crap in their life. It’s time to move on from her, the way you already have from your past.

Original poster

JustifiedHussy · 09/01/2025 09:49

Thank you for the comments from everyone it has really helped. I have now blocked her.

I also appreciate the 2 people who explained why they think i may be UR, because they voiced the small niggle in my head that sometimes tell me that maybe I am too sensitive to the demons of the past being used as a generic topic of discussion, and perhaps my no tolerance boundaries are maybe a bit too extreme.

I understand in a normal world that reminiscing of the past is acceptable, but my childhood/ early teens was not normal in any sense and I don't think I'm wrong to not want constant trips down memory lane. It perhaps would be different if it was a simple discussion of then and now, but it's becoming clear that this person doesn't actually understand or care about my struggles. Otherwise I wouldn't be labelled a "nutcase/physco" because at the age of 17/18, I was unable to healthily process the fact that nobody actually wanted or cared about me.

OP posts:

BrightonFrock · 09/01/2025 09:56

Maddy70 · 09/01/2025 07:05

I think you're being a tad oversensitive. Talking about the past with old friends is normal they are the ones you can talk too about traumatic periods they know it all. I think she just picked the wrong day to talk about it tbh

But if the OP wanted to talk about the past with someone who knew all the ins and outs, wouldn’t she have brought it up?

thepariscrimefiles · 09/01/2025 10:16

JustifiedHussy · 09/01/2025 09:49

Thank you for the comments from everyone it has really helped. I have now blocked her.

I also appreciate the 2 people who explained why they think i may be UR, because they voiced the small niggle in my head that sometimes tell me that maybe I am too sensitive to the demons of the past being used as a generic topic of discussion, and perhaps my no tolerance boundaries are maybe a bit too extreme.

I understand in a normal world that reminiscing of the past is acceptable, but my childhood/ early teens was not normal in any sense and I don't think I'm wrong to not want constant trips down memory lane. It perhaps would be different if it was a simple discussion of then and now, but it's becoming clear that this person doesn't actually understand or care about my struggles. Otherwise I wouldn't be labelled a "nutcase/physco" because at the age of 17/18, I was unable to healthily process the fact that nobody actually wanted or cared about me.

If your friend is calling you a nutcase/psycho, you shouldn't have any qualms about cutting her off. She is being extremely insensitive and cruel about your childhood experiences while expecting you to be endlessly tolerant of her difficult behaviours.

laurwalsh · 09/01/2025 10:56

Yes that a goner for me. I had such a similar experience with a friend and she made some comment on a walk with me when I was pregnant and never spoke to her again. I feel bad in ways but once you get that feeling of contempt it's game over. Just remember it's hurt people who hurt and she is obviously either jealous or not happy in herself. Not that it's any excuse! So yeah walk away and own it. Do t let yourself be put down.

laurwalsh · 09/01/2025 11:01

Ps OP I also want to congratulate you for showing your self worth and insight into this. It's a very hard thing to do if you e grown up with chaos and you're used to being treated badly you are breaking the cycle. Big hugs xx

SinnerBoy · 09/01/2025 15:30

XWKD

That's because normal people don't behave like her.

I agree entirely and cannot understand the posters saying that JustifiedHussy is being over sensitive.

BrightonFrock · 09/01/2025 17:54

SinnerBoy · 09/01/2025 15:30

XWKD

That's because normal people don't behave like her.

I agree entirely and cannot understand the posters saying that JustifiedHussy is being over sensitive.

Because there are some people on Mumsnet who, if an OP said they’d just been stabbed by their supposed best friend, would find a way to make OP the villain for getting blood on the knife.

SinnerBoy · 09/01/2025 18:19

Yes, of course.

SometimesTheSunDoesntRise · 09/01/2025 18:35

Hugs and sympathy to you OP. I share some similarities with you of having an awfully traumatic/ neglectful childhood and being unable to process these emotions, led to lots of chaotic teenage experiences. A very old friend got a kick out of sharing those times with any new partner of mine, even though they happened decades before and I was now leading a far more stable life with professional job etc. I can only conclude they were happy to view me as the underdog and the fucked up friend, and couldn't stand the shift in dynamic when I fought to get back on my feet. I suspect your friend is similar.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/01/2025 19:49

BrightonFrock · 09/01/2025 09:47

This “friend” has cast you in the role of the chaotic person in her life - and now that things have improved for you, she doesn’t like it and wants to put you back in that box. That’s why she’s bringing up distressing times in your past; why she’s “affectionately” telling you that you’re a bit of a psycho 🙄 but she still loves you… she wants to keep you where you were back then, and to create the impression that she’s someone who stayed a loyal friend through it all, who you therefore need.

You don’t. No one needs this crap in their life. It’s time to move on from her, the way you already have from your past.

This is bang on.

Mnaamn · 09/01/2025 20:05

You sound like a great woman and mother.

That person is toxic and doesn't like the success you have made in moving forward positively in your life.

Well done for blocking them.
Enjoy your peace and mind yourself.

Original poster

JustifiedHussy · 09/01/2025 21:37

SometimesTheSunDoesntRise · 09/01/2025 18:35

Hugs and sympathy to you OP. I share some similarities with you of having an awfully traumatic/ neglectful childhood and being unable to process these emotions, led to lots of chaotic teenage experiences. A very old friend got a kick out of sharing those times with any new partner of mine, even though they happened decades before and I was now leading a far more stable life with professional job etc. I can only conclude they were happy to view me as the underdog and the fucked up friend, and couldn't stand the shift in dynamic when I fought to get back on my feet. I suspect your friend is similar.

I've had this too, where someone (im about 80% certain this "friend" was one of them) has went out of their way to secretly inform any male ive been involved with, whether friendship, casual or otherwise, about my past. So ive never been able to happily and successfully date anyone. And, like i said earlier, I'm terrified that the same situation will eventually happen where my DC is drip fed this stuff as they grow, in an attempt to poison them against me too.

So for a while now, i have been planning to move away and start afresh, as soon as I'm financially able. This "friend" has really cemented the fact that all reminders/people who were around in my past will likely need cut off when that happens, if not before. It sounds drastic but I feel it's probably the last step i need to take to ever be completely free from those demons.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words of encouragement and support, it has meant a lot ❤️

OP posts:

MsMartini · 09/01/2025 22:17

@JustifiedHussy I just wanted to say your thread has really moved me. Good luck to you - you truly deserve friends who value you.

Yellowseat · 09/01/2025 22:18

JustifiedHussy · 09/01/2025 21:37

I've had this too, where someone (im about 80% certain this "friend" was one of them) has went out of their way to secretly inform any male ive been involved with, whether friendship, casual or otherwise, about my past. So ive never been able to happily and successfully date anyone. And, like i said earlier, I'm terrified that the same situation will eventually happen where my DC is drip fed this stuff as they grow, in an attempt to poison them against me too.

So for a while now, i have been planning to move away and start afresh, as soon as I'm financially able. This "friend" has really cemented the fact that all reminders/people who were around in my past will likely need cut off when that happens, if not before. It sounds drastic but I feel it's probably the last step i need to take to ever be completely free from those demons.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words of encouragement and support, it has meant a lot ❤️

Show quote history

I think there is merit to what you are saying, it is a bit like addicts having to move away from their other addict friends when they get sober.

If some of your friends from that era have their own chaos going on, because maybe you were not in the best place to choose good friends at that time. Being around abuse growing up trains you to tolerate much worse behavior than people who haven’t experienced it. That said it is very important that you build up a community around you if you do have to shed friends. I have come through an abuse situation and I had to re look at some friendships that were not good for me anymore as I moved forward. I was lucky the “friends” weren’t bad people they just could not process why I had to leave family behind and judged me for it so I had to walk away.

SometimesTheSunDoesntRise · 09/01/2025 23:01

JustifiedHussy · 09/01/2025 21:37

I've had this too, where someone (im about 80% certain this "friend" was one of them) has went out of their way to secretly inform any male ive been involved with, whether friendship, casual or otherwise, about my past. So ive never been able to happily and successfully date anyone. And, like i said earlier, I'm terrified that the same situation will eventually happen where my DC is drip fed this stuff as they grow, in an attempt to poison them against me too.

So for a while now, i have been planning to move away and start afresh, as soon as I'm financially able. This "friend" has really cemented the fact that all reminders/people who were around in my past will likely need cut off when that happens, if not before. It sounds drastic but I feel it's probably the last step i need to take to ever be completely free from those demons.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words of encouragement and support, it has meant a lot ❤️

Show quote history

Yes I get your need to move away because I eventually did the same! It's so lovely and mentally freeing to live in a town where people will only judge me on my current actions and not have ' friends ' coming out of the woodwork to drag your reputation down and out you back in your place. I think a pp hit the nail on the head when they said that those of us who have abusive childhoods often end up with really unsuitable, damaging friendships because being treated badly is all we knew back then. It felt ' normal ' at the time but we now recognise these aren't healthy relationships and we don't have to accept crap! Onwards and upwards and wishing you and your daughter the absolute best in moving forwards - i hope you find your happy place and don't let the bastards grind you down x

Interestingone · 09/01/2025 23:46

Leave her in the past where she belongs.