To cut this "friend" off?

[JustifiedHussy]

NC for this.

Im going to use friend lightly in this as im beginning to think this person isn't actually my friend at all. However I don't know if I'm being abit sensitive as it's just been one thing after another today.

I was invited out for lunch today by a "friend". As soon as we met up, they kept pushing for me to say i would pay for the food by saying they had paid for my birthday meal last time we were out so it was my turn. I simply said I wasn't the person who asked to come out and I was either happy to pay for myself or just go home. (I'm skint, on mat leave and dont get paid until Fri).

After lunch we went for a walk where they started bringing up situations from my past. It started with "i saw x the other day, he's aged, said he saw you a few days ago with baby and he's sad you've moved on since the RO". I just said "that's nice" and changed the subject. They then carried on their coversation and said things like "you know I've always loved you, even when you were a psycho 17/18yo", "there's no psycho quite like you" etc.

I have alot of childhood/relationship trauma which this friend knows about. They also know the amount of effort I have put in to my self and my own mental health in order to healthily deal with the shitty early life I was dealt.

I don't know what to do. Have I overreacted? AIBU to tell them to Foff and go NC?

*edited to correct a punctuation error

Oh God, I got a 'you know where the door is' as well. Dd was like 5 days old! Insane behaviour. I lived with them then and they held all the cards

Something about a woman becoming a mother brings out the nastiness in people. More than anything, they revel in a new mum being vulnerable, and want to exercise their control

Some people are just nasty.

I would reframe it as what do you have that they don't. Maybe it's a baby, maybe it's a baby without the shit husband/in laws, maybe it's having got your life sorted when they'd decided that you should be written off

A lot of these issues come down to jealousy tbh. You can't change them unfortunately,

Fuck them - and you sound like you're doing really well. Given what you've had to survive growing up, you sound even more amazing ❤️

Im so glad for mumsnet sometimes - you'll be fine without this person, you'll see. And don't feel bad about going, you're still human and sometimes we just want to be able to trust people

You've got this and your baby is lucky. They have a mum who is a survivor and will put them first - you've survived things that would break other mums, and it'll come out positively in your parenting.

Me and dd are OK, she'll be 6 this year. Life isn't perfect but we're okay. She's got asd so isn't verbal but is cheeky, strong willed and obsessed with swimming. She's happy and feels safe with me. Tbh she definitely thinks she's the boss of the house 😄.

Life can be lovely when you make that choice to start over 🙂❤️❤️

I’d rather be alone in a million lifetimes than give someone as senseless as that the esteemed title of “friend”.

YANBU 💐

Thank you x - honestly I'm okay. I thought it'd break me but its been nearly 5 years since i finally cut ties when dd was almost 1, and we're okay

Families are like the lottery tbh - pure luck.

Sorry to hear about your family - i hope you have happiness away from them and don't have to engage too much xx

"RO"?

This. Please block this person from your life.

They're a negative green eyed loser that doesn't have your welfare at heart.
Well done you for coming through trauma in your past 👏

Who ended up paying?
Did she pay it all or only her own?

She's being twisty- too much like hard work

She's a poisonous bully, who enjoys upsetting and belittling you. You need to drop her, as everyone else has said. How cruel of her to mention your ex (?) with a restraining order, I suspect he may have asked her to plead for him.

A friend would not have done that.

I voted you are being unreasonable because the situation sounds a bit weird and I'm wondering if there's more going on. The friend sounds really mean and odd and out to get you. You want to go NC instead of simply realising you're not friends and declining further contact (there's a big difference).
As someone who got cut off by a friend and told it was because I was mean and odd and out to get her, I think you might be seeing your friend through a particular bias right now, which is making their flaws seem more intense. You might be totally correct! But I'd think about over the years whether you have generally trusted this person, and why this would have changed to the point where they are now dangerous to have in your life. And what do other people think about this person, who know you and your context.

Obviously I'm projecting but I did read most the thread and hadn't noticed anyone else pick up this tone from OP. I've gone NC with chronically abusive family members ...but friends/ex-friends rarely need this drastic path, imo.

I smiled from ear to ear at the way you held your ground over her expecting you to pay for a lunch she invited you to! Brilliant! So many people would have reverted to people-pleasing behaviour and just gone along with it for a so-called friend.

As for her comments about the dummy and breast feeding - how bloody dare she!

Like other posters I agree that she is no longer a friend - if she ever was- and should be dropped. You have come a long way from a difficult start through your own efforts and do not need dead-weight people holding you back. I hope 2025 will be a great year for you!

@JustifiedHussy I've read your posts and really admire your strength and ability to stand up for yourself and protect your baby. After everything you've experienced of course you'd have trouble determining if a situation/ comment/person's actions are off, or not. It sounds like you're doing well and a really good mum. Just keep listening to your instincts. Ditch the friend and def go low/no contact with family. They will only continue to drag you down. Since you are on ML look for mum's groups and community groups that you can take baby to to socialize and meet new people. Just surround yourself with positive and supportive people and you'll be fine. 💕

The strangers here on the Internet have more respect and empathy for you than this "friend". That's because normal people don't behave like her.

You don't need someone who's stuck in the past and can't see that you've moved on.

What does RO mean in your initial post?

Firstly OP, well done on being confident enough to refuse to pay for her meal. There are far too many posts on here from people letting CFs like this abuse them in this way.

But to the point of your thread, cut her off completely. Even just for the beer on the dummy alone. She's not your friend, not even close.

This person isn’t your friend, they sound like a bully. Don’t try to understand their motivation, because you’ve described (quite a lot of!) them problems - if anyone sounds like a ‘psycho’ I it isn’t you. I think quietly letting them go from your life falls under the umbrella of putting effort into yourself and your own mental health x

That's definitely not a friend.

I think you're being a tad oversensitive. Talking about the past with old friends is normal they are the ones you can talk too about traumatic periods they know it all. I think she just picked the wrong day to talk about it tbh

Whatever you've got materially is not it I think. Some people are just jealous of you. The essence of you. You are doing very well and you are moving past trauma.

I lost a decades old friendship this summer and I think it all stemmed from jealousy and when things were really tough for me I think they enjoyed it.

The dealbreaker for me would be the fact she had a conversation with someone you have a RO against. Why did she think that would be appropriate to share with you? She’s not a friend to you.

Nope. Toxic . why waste your energy on her. Dump and block. You will do so well without her negative energy.

This is atrocious!! For this I would have immediately gone NC.

Good for you for being so direct with her, but she has had too many chances now. Glad that you're feeling resolved to cut things off from her. You are 100% better off for cutting this awful woman out of your lives!

Are you joking? What day do you think she should have picked then, to start reminiscing about the worst time in OP's life?

Maybe it's normal for you, but thankfully you clearly didn't have a traumatic past. And what's her excuse for continuing to push it when it was clear OP didn't want to speak about it?

It sounds like you have moved on from your past, got some boundaries and are sticking to them. Good for you. You are doing brilliantly (I hope that doesn't sound too patronising!). Unfortunately this person and others in your life keep dragging up the past to put you down, and either can't or won't accept you are a different person now. Sometimes people should stay in a moment of your life and not continue in it.

Find a new crowd. Parenting groups, soft play centres, leisure centres, or find a new hobby or interest to meet new people. Maybe do a short course at the local college. Anything to get you mixing with different groups. Good luck.

OP, this person is not your friend. They sound pretty cruel and a horrible person to be around your child.

I would definitely just send a message saying you're going to be pretty busy with the baby and won't have time to meet up any more.

You've come a long way by the sounds of it. Surround yourself with people who lift you instead and don't let anyone drag you down!