Stbxh says he can't see ds for a month unless he stays at my house this weekend

[SoonToBePinocchiosExWife]

Stbxh sees ds6 every other weekend at his parents house near to me (because he moved 3 hours away and it's the only practical option.). He says he can't stay there this weekend so could he stay here. If not, then it means ds won't see him for a whole month. Ds would be very upset by this, as it happened once before that he didn't see him for a month. AIBU to be peed off over this?

I wouldn't have a problem with it, but then I'd also put itching powder on his sheets.

It’s not in DS’s interests to have the mixed messages of Daddy moving back in. What a useless father.

@SoonToBePinocchiosExWife Please don't send him the link. It's not your job to do his life admin.

I'd suggest you e-mail him advising that no, he can't stay at yours and that you suggest that he investigate staying at a local hotel.

Wake up early, drive down, spend full day out somewhere, drop home after dinner out, drive home! Its not rocket science!

Ffs dont do that. How cruel!

Then when he flakes, tell DC 'Daddy had the opportunity to have a hotel holiday with you but he decided he didn't want to see you after all.'

Is this not parental alienation?

Don't do this.

Don't facilitate him by doing his jobs for him like looking for solutions, but let your DC get the measure of him on his own.

Please don't tell your child that their daddy doesn't want to see them.

Don't send him a link, if he can father a child he can use Google.

If he can't afford a hotel then why hasn't he got any mates who live in your area as presumably your ex used to live in that area?

I've driven more than 3 hours to pick up some bit of tut from eBay, the idea he can't manage that to see his own kid then so be it.

If he doesn't both with the hotel/mates couch/driving then plan something really lovely with your DS, even cheap and cheerful like setting up a 'den' in the living room or having a sleepover etc. You'll be roped into parenting anyway if your ex makes himself at home at yours for the weekend, likely washing his sheets and cooking for him, you're better off just putting that energy into your son.

If his dad is going to be like this then you need to encourage your DS to develop resilience and not to idealise his dad so that he develops good coping skills when his dad does this again.

Don't allow the ex to rattle you, just always have a plan b (which doesn't involve you covering his arse)

Well if he hadn't moved three hours away he wouldn't have a problem, would he.
He can travel down, see his DS for the day, then drive home, that won't cost him anymore than staying at his DPs. If he can't be asked to do that then he doesn't really want to see him/ have to do his own parenting. Don't let him stay at yours Op, he'll play Disney Dad and leave the actual work to you, besides, why would you want him in your house?

Thank you all for your wise words. He has booked a hotel for the Saturday night, and tells me he'll be coming to pick up DS then. Hasn't given a time though grrrrrrr.

He can't stay with a friend in the area because he has no friends. That in itself should have stopped me marrying him!

That's a good outcome, OP - your child gets to see him and he can't invade your space.

It is a good outcome. He's told me he'll be here at midday. So need to cancel morning work 🤦🏽.

Well where would DS normally be whilst you are at work? He needs to pick him up from there not for you to miss work.

Or if you really must be there for handover you pick DS up after work and take him to meet ex. He doesn't get to dictate the times like that or into interfere with your paid work

Would not be surprised if he has planned this to control you again by preventing you working.

If you suspect this then you need to say that won't work for me you need to be here by X time or DS will be at Ys house/babysitters as I have work

He can either do a day visit out and then return to you at night or book a hotel.
Be firm with your boundaries my ex is always trying to get into my home and he's not allowed.

Don't dance to his tune.

You are either a full on 'people pleaser' or he's got a lot of control over you.

Neither is healthy.

You need to nip this co-dependency in the bud.

Don't you need to work? Why can you just take the morning off? Don't you have people relying on you to work?

He should be paying a baby-sitter to look after his DS if you are at work.

I know it's not always possible with abusive men, but if he's just hopeless or controlling you because you aren't standing up to him then you really should assert your independence and not fall in line with his plans for the rest of your DS childhood.

Then he owes you your lost money too

So he's arrived and informed me that he's not taking DS overnight tonight. So bang go my evening plans. I could scream. He says thst he can't have him in a hotel room. Please tell me I'm not crazy for even suggesting it?!

Whats his reason for not having him in hotel room?

You need to tell him that you need these arrangements written down and made routine because it's unfair to everyone, especially your child. I'd ask him to imagine how he would feel if his parents had promised him time together as a child and then let him down. He isn't thinking of your child.

Take him to court op.

He is going to use DS as a pawn to keep manipulating your life otherwise and as the person who moved 3 hours away this will be considered.

You need a formal arrangement that you can keep taking back to court if he breaches it.

No idea. He's just gotten pissy at the idea.

This. Go to court. You cannot make him see him but he will not be able to go crying to his new woman that you’re keeping him away from his child.

Also, stop doing the handover. Get someone else to do it who doesn't speak to the arsehole. Here is child. Here is his bag. Off you fuck.

Probably thinks if he has a hotel room he doesn't want to waste it with a child.

Oh and follow this conversation up in an email or text message.