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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stbxh says he can't see ds for a month unless he stays at my house this weekend

93 replies

SoonToBePinocchiosExWife · 07/01/2025 21:11

Stbxh sees ds6 every other weekend at his parents house near to me (because he moved 3 hours away and it's the only practical option.). He says he can't stay there this weekend so could he stay here. If not, then it means ds won't see him for a whole month. Ds would be very upset by this, as it happened once before that he didn't see him for a month. AIBU to be peed off over this?

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 07/01/2025 21:51

Candy24 · 07/01/2025 21:45

Id do it for my kid. Seems uncomfortable for all though

How is it for the kid? The kid is fine seeing dad at a hotel. It is dad who cannot be arsed.

Coldiron · 07/01/2025 21:56

If I lived 3 hours away from my 6 year old son and I couldn’t sort out accommodation for whatever reason, I would get up very early in the morning, drive the 3 hours to see him, take him out for the whole day, then drive home.

Not seeing him wouldn’t even enter my head

Edenmum2 · 07/01/2025 22:02

There must be hotels nearby- suggest he asks parents for loan if he doesn't have the money. Your boundaries are valid.

Leeds2 · 07/01/2025 22:06

There are plenty of options that would allow your ex to see his son without him having to stay at your house. Stay with a friend, either in your town or at least on the way to it so as to make his journey on the day a bit shorter. Most obvious is, as others have pointed out, stay in a hotel/Travel Lodge/Air BnB. Or do the whole journey there and back in a day. Fwiw, I regularly commute between London and Leeds there and back in a day on the train. It is very doable - takes 3+ hours each way by the time you have counted a mile long walk to the station, 40 min train ride into London and then two and a quarter hours up to Leeds. And the same on the way back! If your ex is driving, I should imagine it is a whole to easier.
Don't let him stay at your home if you don't want him to. You don't have to, and wouldn't be at all unreasonable for saying no.
Or, could ex stay at his parents the week before or after his planned visit. Might work so that DC gets to see their dad.

DorothyStorm · 07/01/2025 22:09

Why cant he pick him up and take him to his for the weekend?

Endofyear · 07/01/2025 22:14

If he lives 3 hours away, he could pick up his son and take him back to his home for the weekend. He moved away, that was his choice. What he really means is he can't be bothered to do all the driving to see his son. Agree with others, he could book a travelodge if he's got nowhere to stay. No way would I be letting him stay at my house!

Fraaances · 07/01/2025 22:14

Nope… Let him know that he’s going to have to adjust his maintenance to suit them…

Rainbowqueeen · 07/01/2025 22:15

Tell him he needs to find another solution as that is not an option and could he let you know by x date as otherwise you will make other plans for the weekend. That might just piss him off enough to get his act together.

I know it will be hard to see your son disappointed but a dad who has moved away and only sees his son if he can stay at his parents is going to disappoint your son a lot over the next few years. All you can do is help your son deal with the disappointment. Don't cover for your ex. That will not help in the long run

Original poster
SoonToBePinocchiosExWife · 07/01/2025 22:16

I've just checked and it would cost him £30-60 for 2 nights locally, so I may just send him the link tomorrow. I'd kind of just discounted hotels as too costly, but I don't think that will break the bank. Much as I try to remain courteous for the sake of DS, I really really really don't want him to stay here.

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 07/01/2025 22:17

This is definitely NOT your problem to solve OP

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/01/2025 22:18

So he has the option of staying with someone else he knows nearby. Or booking a hotel (surely some between his new home and yours). Or getting up early to drive/train/coach to see his son. Or asking you to swap weekends so 3 weeks between visits. Really anything other than staying in your home. He can take DS out somewhere. It might be a shorter visit than usual but at least he will see him.

Original poster
SoonToBePinocchiosExWife · 07/01/2025 22:20

Thursdaygirl · 07/01/2025 22:17

This is definitely NOT your problem to solve OP

It's really not. I had thought I'd regained myself over the last 9 months of being away from him and I'm a bit gutted to realise how easily he's able to upset my equilibrium.

OP posts:
newbie202020 · 07/01/2025 22:37

SoonToBePinocchiosExWife · 07/01/2025 22:16

I've just checked and it would cost him £30-60 for 2 nights locally, so I may just send him the link tomorrow. I'd kind of just discounted hotels as too costly, but I don't think that will break the bank. Much as I try to remain courteous for the sake of DS, I really really really don't want him to stay here.

Not your job to send him a link to a hotel....

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 07/01/2025 22:45

I know you said he's done this before and it will upset DS if he does it again, and none of us want our kids to be hurt so we protect them from any pain we can but I think you need to stand firm with your boundaries even if it means his dad doesn't come to see him.

He will learn over time that mum is the one that will move heaven and earth for him whereas dad won't find solutions to minor inconveniences of his own making.

The longer you protect DS from this, the longer it will take him to make his own informed decision about his future relationship with his dad.

Also whenever you don't hold firm with your boundaries you basically give him a handle to hang on to so he can control you and your life.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 07/01/2025 22:46

newbie202020 · 07/01/2025 22:37

Not your job to send him a link to a hotel....

Show quote history

Also this. Stop looking for solutions for him. He can do that himself.

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2025 22:47

You just say I’m sorry you don’t want to see him this month, he will be really upset.

vickylou78 · 07/01/2025 23:00

Does he co-own your house? Or is it yours?

PureBoggin · 07/01/2025 23:01

For me this would depend on lots of factors. The first being how safe it would be? Is there any chance he would refuse to leave, go through my belongings, be inappropriate? Why did he move 3 hours away from his child? Is he expecting you to stay there too - is his mum away and he's realised he'll actually have to do some proper childcare and now he's hoping he can spend time with the child but you'll still do the parenting?

My instinct would be to maintain boundaries and say that he is welcome to still come and get child as per the usual arrangement but it is not possible for him to sleep in your house.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2025 23:01

Absolutely do not have him at yours. End of. The rest is his problem to solve.

Tryingtogetonwithit · 07/01/2025 23:07

Don't let him, I did and my ex went through the drawers in my bedroom apparently looking for the babies dummy.
Air b&b, hotel off season at centre parks all valid options and your son will love the adventure win, win.

NoahsTortoise · 07/01/2025 23:19

Can he not just see him the following weekend instead, if he won't book a hotel?

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 07/01/2025 23:23

Big fat nope. 3 hours away? He can do it in a day if he can't afford a travelodge in the cheap season.

PeriPeriMam · 07/01/2025 23:27

Absolutely no. If you say yes once you will set a precedent. Other accommodation and other options exist.

socksonoff · 07/01/2025 23:57

Choccyscofffy · 07/01/2025 21:12

Say no. Tell him to book a Travelodge.

He’s testing your boundaries. If you say once he’ll ask again and again.

This.

2JFDIYOLO · 08/01/2025 00:11

He's boundary-testing. Pushing your buttons. It's the only thing he has left to control you - causing distress to your son.

And you saying no to him invading your space will = 'mummy's the bad guy stopping you seeing daddy this month. It's her fault.' Stamp on that shit.

Absolutely send him cheap B&B options. Tell DC you've done that 'because although you and daddy need to see each other, he upsets me too much to let him stay in our home. He has the details of a hotel, won't that be fun!'

Then when he flakes, tell DC 'Daddy had the opportunity to have a hotel holiday with you but he decided he didn't want to see you after all.'

It will be daddy who says no to seeing him. Not you. Ensure your DC understands that.