Why do the majority of dads get it so easy?? *edited by MNHQ*

[Msw1981]

I just need a rant, so sorry! My husband of 14 years (been together for 21) we have two boys who are 11 and 8, he walked out on us all 8 weeks ago. I have the boys 12 nights out of 14….how is it fair that I have to deal with everything? All the doctors appointments, after school clubs, all the admin that goes with having kids, but he can go out whenever he wants and enjoys himself yet I am here looking after the children AGAIN! Ahhhhh

realised I put mums not dads in the title- sorry I meant why do dads get it so easy???

Oh, this bit is hard. When the realisation hits that he doesn't give a fuck about his children, whereas you would die for them.

I'm now out the other side. I have a great relationship with my adult children. They see their dad very little. He was supposed to have them both for Christmas, but DD decided beginning Dec that she didn't want her Christmas with her dad. He's moving to USA next year, and she chose to not spend his last UK Christmas with him.

Society just accepts it as the norm. Us women pick up the slack mostly.

Lots of my friends think the man I'm currently seeing is strange. They think this because he's been 75% carer for his son for the last 5 years since his marriage ended. He was the primary carer during their marriage too. Ex wife has been living the life of Riley and refusing to collect her son or telling dad he's got him for an additional weekend. Ex wife now earns more than him, as she's been freed up to focus on her career.

My friends tell me this is weird, as he has his son too much and puts his son first all the time. I think this is one of his most attractive qualities.

Society sets the bar far far too low for dads

The bar is set so low for men. I’m a single dad after my wife died 4yrs ago. I’m not doing anywhere near a good a job as she would have done given the same circumstances but because I’m a bloke I’m fucking amazing according to my friends. Doesn’t feel fucking amazing……..

OP right now you feel justifiably angry, it is very unfair that you’re struggling and he’s having an easy time. But you will have the better deal ultimately.

Like a previous poster, my Dad left when I was young. We saw him every other weekend, so it was pretty reliable contact, and as a young child I was very attached to my Dad and enjoyed his weekends. However, as we became teens we had other stuff to do. Any parents of teens will tell you that you can’t pick and choose when you socialise with them. You can’t switch them on and off. They’ll decide when they want to chat, and it can’t be timetabled. So we drifted from him a bit, and he then met another woman who didn’t like kids, so we basically stopped seeing him.

I kept in touch with him by letter, (then email when it was invented!), but he never really knew the adult I became. He just had edited highlights of my life, whilst my Mum has lived through all of it. My Mum sees her grandchildren every day, buy my Dad hasn’t seen them for about 7 years. In his darker moments I think he knows what he lost. No amount of freedom, foreign travel, lie-ins, restaurant meals, nights out, lazy Sundays etc will compensate for the lack of meaningful relationship with his kids and grandkids.

So what. He has to work. Sort out work around them. Tell him that. 50/50 split.

You can’t make someone parent!

Where did I say that? Men are shit i would never defend men, I'll try again -

Men agree to have children to please their wife, what a stupid thing for a man to do.

Men leave all parenting to the wife, providing basic or no support and so don't feel attached to children and find it easy to move on because of this, men suck.

Better?

Text him this. See what he replies?

“i have the boys 12 nights out of 14….how is it fair that I have to deal with everything? All the doctors appointments, after school clubs, all the admin that goes with having kids, but you can go out whenever you want and enjoy yourself - yet I am here looking after the children AGAIN!?”

On the flip side - my mum walked out and left us with my dad when I was half way through my GCSE’s. Guess who I have the stronger relationship now?

It could just be a society will frown on this, thing. All sorts of taboos make people feel physically unable to do things that, in other societies, are common place. But I suspect there’s a biological component too. Most animals have very different roles for males and females of the species when it comes to rearing the young, and biology plays a strong part in directing behaviour.

I have to work full time too! As I rent and need a roof over our heads but still have my child 95% of the time whilst her dad doesn't work so doesn't have to pay me CM!! Yes agree, bloody men!.

Your ex is a dickhead and a poor excuse for a father. Most divorced fathers I know have 50:50. However I know that’s unusual. A lot of women, especially women who give up/cut down working, assume 100% of the household and the childcare and the mental load, so the men get away with working and not much else. It’s ridiculously unfair but until us women stop giving them an easy ride it’ll keep happening. I’ve got friends in this position who are still married! The Dad swans about doing what he likes while they do it all. It’s crazy. My DH and I both work full time outside of the home and divide household tasks and childcare and school/club runs 50:50 and I still feel like I have the brunt of the mental load despite the fact he does more for his family than most men seem to. I don’t know what the answer is really but I’m sorry you’re in this position.

mine pissed off when our child was 7 months old, and gave up paying any money (and it had been sporadic ) when child was 3 and he described it as "donations" as if his kid was a vaguely worthy charity that he was generous enough to provide a little support towards now and then. Should have made him a little badge!

If a man did what the average single mum did he would probably be the subject of a documentary marvelling at his wonderousness! Yes I am being (a bit) flippant and of course there are some single dads out there busitng a gut to do all the parenting so don't shoot me down in flames

Yep, my ex left me with our two DC’s four years ago now. He’s never once had them overnight and only has them during the day for one Saturday and one Sunday a month. During an assessment with a neuro-paediatrician about one DC, I was asked about Dads involvement and I mentioned as above. The response I got? “That’s great, a really good level of involvement” … fucking hell, the standards and expectations society has on fathers is utterly pathetic.

I can remember asking my ex to have our child as I needed to work at my second job at short notice and he replied "No, I am not your baby sitter" , I had to do two jobs as he paid no child support, I must admit I shoved hin in the chest and screamed at him. Not proud of myself but I felt such utter rage.

I feel enraged on behalf of you and your children

@ManchesterPie so sorry for your loss ,that must be so hard .

Ahh yes, the notion of ‘helping you out’ with their own biological children. Unbelievable.

Looooool. You think the kind of man who is too lazy/disengaged to want his kids 50/50 is going to do it just because he’s told he should?

And do you think that 50/50 with a man who is too lazy/disengaged to want his kids more than every second weekend is actually going to be good for those kids?

My ex is a part-time dad. I don’t get angry about it, though I do regard him with mild contempt, as I do any woman who wants to date such an obviously shit father. Hand on heart, it’s his loss. He’s only been single-parenting for two years and already one of my children is fed up enough with him that she would prefer to be with me full time.

I don’t know op but it is shit. My ex left and I thought he’d carry on being the dad he was. Nope he prioritised his friends and new gf. And the kids know it. He says he needs to work he can’t have the kids. Never mind me over here doing it all. The kids have learnt sadly. I know it’s not all men but when you first realise you really are a single parent it’s an eye opener.

A perfect DARVO, is my guess.

Been there, done that....🙄

Also when I ask my daughter what she did at her dads she talks about the things she did with her dads girlfriend...."Oh daddy didn't get up so xxxx made my breakfast and played with me!" "Xxxx made a cake and helped me with my spellings!"
Don't get me wrong I love that she gets on with her dads girlfriend, she genuinely seems lovely and caring, my step mother was an absolute witch. But also resent he's got someone doing his share of the parental care when she's in his care!! I've been single for 9 years since we split and wouldn't dream of palming off my parental responsibility to a partner! If I did this all hell would brake loose!!

This 👏 Imo there’s a lot of men that just go along with being a parent as it’s the expected thing to do once you reach a certain age - especially if they are heterosexual and in a long term relationship.

Whereas women have to deal with the actual reality of pregnancy, birthing and (most of the time) feeding the baby, as well as the general care giving that both parents are supposed to do.

These physiological differences on top of the emotional/psychological ones, fortunately or unfortunately make life very different for us- so I can’t imagine most mothers only wanting to see their children 2 days out of 14 on a regular basis.

Doesn’t mean it’s not unfair that you don’t get more of a break though I hope he’s going to at least take some of his annual leave and have them a bit more in the school holidays😡

The amount of men who whine at having to wear condoms, I am not so sure!