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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do the majority of dads get it so easy?? *edited by MNHQ*

96 replies

Msw1981 · 07/01/2025 19:52

I just need a rant, so sorry! My husband of 14 years (been together for 21) we have two boys who are 11 and 8, he walked out on us all 8 weeks ago. I have the boys 12 nights out of 14….how is it fair that I have to deal with everything? All the doctors appointments, after school clubs, all the admin that goes with having kids, but he can go out whenever he wants and enjoys himself yet I am here looking after the children AGAIN! Ahhhhh

realised I put mums not dads in the title- sorry I meant why do dads get it so easy???

OP posts:
Shubbypubby · 07/01/2025 20:20

My ex is a hero in many people's eyes for having 50/50 custody and actually being a decent parent (ie doing exactly the same as me). Society sets the bar very low for men and parenting.

toomuchfaff · 07/01/2025 20:21

Probably because for the last 11 years (at least), you've been doing everything... and he's been coasting through.

sky1267 · 07/01/2025 20:21

Because a lot of men are shit. And they’re raised and socialised to be allowed to be shit.

JustMyView13 · 07/01/2025 20:22

This is why I never understand why so many people challenge one and done.

If it all goes left, you’re immediately outnumbered by your children and their admin.

Waitingfordoggo · 07/01/2025 20:25

Reading about these situations gives me the rage. I'm not a single parent myself so I have no direct experience but I have so SO many friends who are single mums attempting to co-parent with dads who are doing the absolute bare minimum (and many not even that).

I feel fucking furious about it and it doesn't even affect me so I can't imagine how angry you must be- rightfully so. It's absolutely disgraceful and contributes to my feeling that men- as a class- are inferior to women- as a class.

mycatsanutter · 07/01/2025 20:26

It's shit now and so unfair I've been there . My ex had the 3dc only 4 Saturday nights in 6 years as his social life was more important than seeing his dc. but when your dc turn out to be great adults you have the satisfaction of knowing that's all down to you .

Original poster
Msw1981 · 07/01/2025 20:29

Thank you everyone for the supportive replies, I just feel so alone (even though I know there are plenty of single parents out there!) he ‘has’ to work which is why he has them much less than me. I would hate it to be the other way around but it doesn’t seem to bother him! Bloody men! 🙄

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 07/01/2025 20:29

Very few women would be prepared to walk away from their children the way many men do. There’s a lot of social stigma on women who abandon their children, whereas men pay almost no social price for doing so.

You could, for instance, send your kids to their father’s and then move and tell him he has to keep them, only later applying to court for access once a fortnight, which you will constantly fail to make at short notice. Huge numbers of fathers do this. Almost no women do.

Finetoday · 07/01/2025 20:29

My ‘partner’ emigrated when I was 6 months pregnant.

NEVER had her overnight in 20 years, nor ever paid a penny maintenance.

I 100% got the better end of the deal.

Hope things improve for you and your family, sorry you’re going through a rough time x

Icantremembermyusername · 07/01/2025 20:30

It is shittier than shit when they are younger and you can’t even have a bath in peace! Being the ‘default’ parent when you’ve split up is rubbish. I can’t think of how many career progressions I’ve missed or trips with friends I’ve had to put off or potential dates that didn’t happen. Or even, just the quiet night in front of the telly watching what I wanted, but he suddenly cancelled and I had to pick up the pieces. And it stung! My resentment was tangible.
Fast forward a few years, and Dd and I are great. We communicate well. We know when not to push each other. And we have no secrets.
Her relationship with her Dad is poor. They argue all the time because he has no idea who she actually is or what she likes. Try and make peace with the extra time you have with your kids - it might make the longer journey more pleasant.

Merryoldgoat · 07/01/2025 20:32

YANBU

My mum told me not to have kids unless I was willing to be responsible for ALL parenting.

I didn’t understand what she meant until I was much older.

As it happens this isn’t my situation but it’s so commonplace we need to prepare for it and be realistic.

Hazeby · 07/01/2025 20:33

I honestly believe men aren’t attached to their children in the way that women are. Exceptions exist of course but speaking in general terms.

Margorett · 07/01/2025 20:34

This reply has been deleted

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mycatsanutter · 07/01/2025 20:35

@Icantremembermyusername I can totally resonate with your post . My dd is 23 now and has a rubbish relationship with her dad and that's totally on him not making the effort when she was younger . He asked her Xmas before last how uni was . Her response ' I invited you to my graduation dad ' 😩 sums him up really

NotAPartyPerson · 07/01/2025 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Can't be bothered to persuade you as to why your post is horrible, but I've reported it. What a load of rubbish and how horrible to the OP.

crackofdoom · 07/01/2025 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Seriously? 🙄

OP (and all of us in this situation) has enough on her plate already without this kind of passive aggressive guilting nonsense.

Whatsitreallylike · 07/01/2025 20:37

BarbaraHoward · 07/01/2025 20:00

YANBU at all.

But at the same time, given the choice I imagine you would rather be the parent doing 12 nights than 2, and that even though it's hard you want to give that labour to your children. And even if they don't see it now, when they're adults they'll see all you did for them, and all he didn't.

And that's why it happens. Women (rightly IMO) place more value on the importance of raising children. Cold comfort now I know.

This. My Dad walked out when we were very young, saw us 1 day a week for about 6/7 hours… and is still with the OW. He bitterly regrets his decisions, the love and respect we have for our mum is unmatched and in his old age he’s left begging for pics of grandchildren and his wife sending us reminders when it’s his birthday. We don’t leave him out on purpose, we have very full lives and he sadly just has never really been a part of them so it’s difficult to remember to make the effort iyswim. He knows this and has admitted he wishes he done this very differently.

Mum did the hard yards and she’s reaping the benefits later in life. Nothing in life worth having comes easy!

GivingitToGod · 07/01/2025 20:43

That's how it's always been OP as unfair as it is. In the case of many single parents, they do all the parenting with no financial support. Of course if the single parent is male, they get a different rating!
Take care OP and allow yourself to feel upset, angry and raw.
I promise it will fade

Northumberlandgirl · 07/01/2025 20:44

I was in the supermarket on Saturday. In front of me at the checkout was an exhausted looking young woman with 3 very young children in tow and an enormous trolley full of food. She struggled to unload the trolley with the children trying to help and struggled again to pack her bags. She was so patient. The middle child, a little boy of about 3 years old asked if daddy would be home when they got back. No, mum said, daddy’s at the gym.

sky1267 · 07/01/2025 20:49

Northumberlandgirl · 07/01/2025 20:44

I was in the supermarket on Saturday. In front of me at the checkout was an exhausted looking young woman with 3 very young children in tow and an enormous trolley full of food. She struggled to unload the trolley with the children trying to help and struggled again to pack her bags. She was so patient. The middle child, a little boy of about 3 years old asked if daddy would be home when they got back. No, mum said, daddy’s at the gym.

This is so sad and also just enrages me. Why do men get away with it

NinnyNonnyNu · 07/01/2025 20:49

I think a lot of men have children because the wife wants them, they actually aren't fussed themselves and often eventually get bored and move on.

Women also seem to expect so little of men and accept pretty poor treatment meaning they don't change and see no issue in being a distant parent.

bringonyourwreckingball · 07/01/2025 20:50

RawBloomers · 07/01/2025 20:29

Very few women would be prepared to walk away from their children the way many men do. There’s a lot of social stigma on women who abandon their children, whereas men pay almost no social price for doing so.

You could, for instance, send your kids to their father’s and then move and tell him he has to keep them, only later applying to court for access once a fortnight, which you will constantly fail to make at short notice. Huge numbers of fathers do this. Almost no women do.

I totally think this is true, but why? It isn’t just a ‘society will frown on this’ thing. I would feel actual pain to be separated from my children and have made multiple sacrifices for that not to happen. Their father barely gives a shit and only sees them because they are nearly adults and no trouble.

MonkeyVsBunny · 07/01/2025 20:53

I’m a father. I spent £30k trying to get equal access to my kids (4,6) at the time.

not all of us are monsters.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 07/01/2025 20:54

Viviennemary · 07/01/2025 19:58

Reading threads on MN lately it makes me wonder if women would do better on their own. Men seem to make life very difficult for a lot of women.

Reading threads on Mumsnet makes me extremely grateful to be a lesbian.

Sheaintheavyshesmymother · 07/01/2025 21:00

NinnyNonnyNu · 07/01/2025 20:49

I think a lot of men have children because the wife wants them, they actually aren't fussed themselves and often eventually get bored and move on.

Women also seem to expect so little of men and accept pretty poor treatment meaning they don't change and see no issue in being a distant parent.

“Women are responsible for all men’s behaviour”, got it 👍