To ask this from my friends?

[honeyteddybear]

I’m 3 years into fighting stage 4 ‘c’.

I have 2 DC, 10 and 5. I managed to keep the diagnosis confidential until recently, but I have so many appointments, treatment days etc I need childcare help.

DH has a demanding job- he found us an au pair. She is not very good and of course she won’t be here for ever. We can’t afford a nanny and have no wider family. There isn’t really any ideal childcare, and some days I feel totally ok and don’t need any help.

What if I made a WhatsApp group of say, my closest 6-12 mum friends and said, please can you just be here for me, to take either child to school or pick up, when needed, but- this is forever basically? Which would mean helping me maybe once every few months each but I will never be able to repay anyone back? (Well, not with reciprocal childcare but maybe wine or champagne). I’m planning on sticking around. But I need a village more than ever. Is it unreasonable to even ask this when everyone has their own busy life.

Absolutely 10000000% do this, We have a lovely mums group and often rally round and help when needed for various reasons. This reason is huge and I cannot imagine anyone not going out of their way to help you now and then. Please do it and sending you my best wishes.

I would want any close friend of mine to ask -a close friend of mine did when her mum was ill with cancer and we all rallied around.

Also think it's worth getting a better au pair?!

This sounds perfectly reasonable - what I would do though is don't just add everyone to a group. When you tell people and they say, 'oh, is there anything I can do?' Ask them then. I can't imagine anyone would say no!

I’m so sorry OP, I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all to ask, equally they wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no if they can’t do it. I would absolutely do this wherever I could for a friend in your position so I’d have no issue whatsoever with you asking.

Hell, I'd do it for someone I barely knew. A close friend I'd do it without a second thought.

I'd absolutely want you to ask

I'm sorry to hear about the cancer- I hope you kick it's arse soon. You're absolutely reasonable to ask for help but only you know what the dynamics of your group are. I'd offer money for them to do your pickup and drop offs.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

can I just clarify - have you told anyone what's going on, or are you still keeping it a secret. I fully respect your preference to keep it quiet, but I think if you've not told anyone and then suddenly you announce it just as you ask for help, it might be unfair, but people might find that a bit offputting. I reiterate - that's not fair. But I think that when a loved one is ill, people genuinely DO want to help, but there is an impact on friends and family as well in terms of the emotions - it's nothing like what you and your DH and your DC are going through, of course, but it's there.

Having said all that, I have been directly or indirectly involved in such groups and I have certainly never minded at all or expected recipricol childcare/favours. As you say, it often works out that it's only the very odd one, and by doing it via a group, people can choose what works for them. I was once part of a meal prep group for a family managing end-of-life care for someone and it was all done via google docs - you just dropped in when you were able to provide a meal. Worked really well.

I’m sorry you’re going through this op. I would absolutely be willing to do this for my friends. Maybe speak to them separately with what you’re proposing then create the group and add those that are able to help. There may be some who can’t due to other commitments and it would be awkward for them to have to decline in a group chat.

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable. I think you’ll have to be quite open with them about your condition, so they understand that it’s not just a case of ‘can’t be bothered’ and that you’ve soldiered on as long as you possibly can. If I were your friend I’d be there straight away.

I hope none of them do, but I’d also be prepared for a) a couple of them trying to ‘rescue’ you with the best of intentions, and b) maybe the odd one of two doing a disappearing act because they don’t know what to say to you.

There was a mum whose DC was in my DC's class who was in a similar situation....loads of the class mums including me used to help her with drop offs and pick ups...it was no hassle for me as I was a sahm and she was in a really shitty situation. I was glad she asked and I didn't want anything in return.

Absolutely ask, they can say no but I bet most of them will be happy to help out. I would do it for any of my friends however long it was needed for.

I would message friends individually and explain diagnosis and your reaching out to a few friends to see if anyone could help with school drop off and pickups.

Creating a group and adding me without any pre warning would initally rub me up the wrong way

Sorry for what you're going through. I'd get a lovely message ready and send it individually to the people that you are thinking of, saying you're really struggling at times and was desperately trying to think if it would an OK idea to ask a few Mum friends if you could tap into their school run from time to time. You'll know by each individual response and then suggest hey what about if I set a what's app group up would that be OK?

This way, no one is thrown into a group they don't want to be in. However, they should all want to be in it!

Absolutely I’d help anyone out that needed this if I could realistically arrange my own circumstances to assist.

School runs can be quite convoluted for some - dropping off different kids at different schools, dropping off on way to work etc so there is a time in my life I might not have been able to help but now for example I could do this for someone and would, happily.

Agree group chat not the best way to go about it. Ask everyone individually initially then create a chat with the helpers.

Wishing you all the best.

Sorry for your diagnosis. I think you would need to word it carefully though. There are so many threads on mn about cf mums who ask for one lift and then expect it their child to be taken every week.

I am so very sorry for your very demanding and painful situation. If you spread the request around several people, nobody is being asked to do a huge amount! I live alone, last year had chemo so depleting I was not really safe to drive, and six different friends were amazing about ferrying me to appointments, infusions etc.

This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say.

Don't automatically add them to the group, only add them if they are willing and able to be part of it.

But 100% I would help in any way I could.

I can't speak for anyone else but if an acquaintance, let alone a friend, asked this of me the answer would be absolutely, yes. Any decent person would if they possibly could. YANBU.

I've also got stage 4 cancer (I've currently got an AMA post running which I need to get back to). I've been open with friends since day 1 and I have a couple of WhatsApp groups in which I ask for help when needed, we've even sent the kids off to friends' overnight last minute a few times. People want to help in my experience.

Sorry you're going through this shitshow too.

Sorry you are in this horrible situation and I do hope your ongoing treatment is going well.

Definitely start the group and ask for help. Some will step up massively and some won’t. It probably won’t be the ones you expected.

I personally wouldn’t use the word‘forever’ as that could be quite daunting. If you are clear about your diagnosis they will likely understand. Perhaps saying’the foreseeable future’ would be slightly softer?

It would help everyone if you can explain clearly what you need. Lots will just say ‘of course, let me know’. If you tell them you’ll find they will fall into different roles. Some might find the school run easy, others will offer to pick up shopping or do some ironing while chatting to you.

Are you getting all the financial support you are entitled to?

Good luck x

A friend of mine did this. She has to have major surgery recently and told her friends/DC's friends' parents about it. Obviously she got loads of generic offers to help so a WhatsApp group was set up for her DH to be able to ask for ad hoc help while she was out of action for a few months. The school were also given a list of names of parents who had permission to take their DC home with little or no notice. A few of us also had regular, specific arrangements during this time (her eldest came to mine one specific day a week after school for a few hours to help with kid activity logistics!).

Worked really well and any requests were quickly picked up. Also helped each of us to see other responses so there was no guilt if you couldn't support on a particular day - you'd know someone else had stepped up.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I think you should reach out to see what help can be provided amongst friends.

I have stepped in and helped other Mums because I could. One would park her car behind mine and I would walk her well DD into the school playground when her other child was sick. I did offer to collect her from home.

I have parked on another Mum's drive and walked her well child to school whilst she stayed home with her sick toddler then I just came back and collect my car.

I have had a lovely friend drop her 2 children to my house at 7.30am a few times and taken them to school along with my two children because her boss was being an arse and trying to force her to change her hours by scheduling meetings at 8am when her day starts at 9am.

You can ask.

@honeyteddybear I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and what you’ve been going through-sounds like it’s been very tough.

I would echo PPs and say it would probably be better to contact each person directly to let them know, let them each have time/space to react, and then depending on their reaction, ask for what help you’d like.

I know this isn’t fair on you, but speaking from personal experience, some people won’t react how you’d expect/hope. This way you’ll be able to gauge reactions and then save yourself the upset of approaching for help only to be blanked, which is very hurtful IME.

I would do all you can to get paid support in place so you’re less reliant on others. So if the au pair isn’t very good, could your DH give her notice and look for someone else?

Personally if you were my friend I’d want to be asked and to give you support. It’s hard to comment on your specific situation as it depends on how close you are to these friends/if they are generally supportive etc, also in practical terms, how much would doing this for you impact them? E.g. if they have kids at the same school and you’re round the corner, that’s very
different to if they don’t have kids there and you’re a 30 minute drive away.

I have been seriously unwell. Not cancer but think going from fully active to only managing a few hours work a week and largely housebound. Have been very underwhelmed by the amount of support from close friends. So I think just to manage your expectations, mainly to protect yourself, and if you get more help, then that’s a big bonus. Maybe have a think if there’s any other things that people could help with that would make a big difference to you, but are more one-off? Gives people a range of ways to help?

Really wishing you all the best xx

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please do ask your friends. I’d do this in a heartbeat.

If this feels hard for you to ask, here’s a different perspective: it can be incredibly hard to cope with the feeling of helplessness when someone you care about is struggling with serious illness. Giving your friends concrete ways they can help is an act of kindness to them as well.

I’d want to help my friend in this situation.