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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this from my friends?

64 replies

honeyteddybear · 07/01/2025 13:36

I’m 3 years into fighting stage 4 ‘c’.

I have 2 DC, 10 and 5. I managed to keep the diagnosis confidential until recently, but I have so many appointments, treatment days etc I need childcare help.

DH has a demanding job- he found us an au pair. She is not very good and of course she won’t be here for ever. We can’t afford a nanny and have no wider family. There isn’t really any ideal childcare, and some days I feel totally ok and don’t need any help.

What if I made a WhatsApp group of say, my closest 6-12 mum friends and said, please can you just be here for me, to take either child to school or pick up, when needed, but- this is forever basically? Which would mean helping me maybe once every few months each but I will never be able to repay anyone back? (Well, not with reciprocal childcare but maybe wine or champagne). I’m planning on sticking around. But I need a village more than ever. Is it unreasonable to even ask this when everyone has their own busy life.

OP posts:
Nextyearhopes · 07/01/2025 15:09

Of course you can ask (but you cannot keep the reason private).

Knowing your situation, I would do what I could to help you.

So sorry OP.

Chocolatey1234 · 07/01/2025 15:26

cantthinkofausernametoadd · 07/01/2025 13:41

I'm sorry to hear about the cancer- I hope you kick it's arse soon. You're absolutely reasonable to ask for help but only you know what the dynamics of your group are. I'd offer money for them to do your pickup and drop offs.

OP is stage 4.

Chocolatey1234 · 07/01/2025 15:31

I am so sorry to hear you have cancer and the stage you are.

I would definitely do this but also ask people first.

Usually people say if you need anything at all or if anything I can do please let me know. This whatsapp group is it, it people often want to help but don’t know what you want or need this list clarifies that and it is something practical and in the circumstances most people would be thankful for their own health and will absolutely offer to help out if they can.

OurDreamLife · 07/01/2025 15:34

Is wrap around care an option? There used to be some kids who would only have childcare for the school runs at my DDs school. Some were child minders but did this along side too.

That way it’s 100% reliable and takes any last minute organising away when X or Y is off school that day or has an appointment/after school club and can’t do it.

OurDreamLife · 07/01/2025 15:41

Tubetrain · 07/01/2025 14:03

Of course you could ask, but in reality your DH is going to have to step up - does he realise this? He can't hide behind his job forever.

I agree. Dropping them at breakfast club and then heading to work on a morning but would make it easier if you only have to worry about afternoon pick ups.

SeaToSki · 07/01/2025 15:44

There is a web site called lotsahelpinghands.com that helps to arrange just this kind of thing

you post what you need help with and then people can sign up for individual events/requests…the website then sends reminders etc

you can password protect the whole thing and only let certain people have access to keep your privacy

it takes a hour or so to figure it out and set it up, but then its easy to maintain. You can post health updates as well, so you dont have to keep repeating yourself.

saraclara · 07/01/2025 15:52

Tubetrain · 07/01/2025 14:03

Of course you could ask, but in reality your DH is going to have to step up - does he realise this? He can't hide behind his job forever.

I'm going to resist responding as I want to, because this isn't the place. But having lived through this when my late husband was undergoing treatment for his stage 4 cancer, I had to continue working as much as I could. Because we and our DDs needed to keep the roof over our heads, and not every job is flexible enough to manage the commitments one has to one's children.

If anyone had said that I was hiding behind my job, I'd have wanted to punch them, frankly. I'd far rather have been at home with him throughout.

As a family we ALL stepped up, including our poor daughters.

This is not the time to bring out the 'men are useless' posts.

MaMaMalenka · 07/01/2025 16:17

Sorry to hear what you're going through, and I hope you get well soon.
I've been on the helping side of this situation twice, once for family and once for an acquaintance: in one, a family member arranged a weekly chart of shifts that we signed up for - it was mostly shifts in hospital. In the other, a few of us set up a WhatsApp group for specific acts of help. It felt really good to be able to help.

I think it's a really good idea, but it might be better if someone else is in charge of setting this up, after checking with you what you would like, so that some of the stress is off your shoulders.

swimsong · 07/01/2025 16:28

Do you have one closer friend that you could ask to be the organiser?

Maddy70 · 07/01/2025 16:40

Honestly. Get a more permanent childcare solution.

Your children will need some stability moving forward. A nanny or different aupair

Ella31 · 07/01/2025 21:22

saraclara · 07/01/2025 15:52

I'm going to resist responding as I want to, because this isn't the place. But having lived through this when my late husband was undergoing treatment for his stage 4 cancer, I had to continue working as much as I could. Because we and our DDs needed to keep the roof over our heads, and not every job is flexible enough to manage the commitments one has to one's children.

If anyone had said that I was hiding behind my job, I'd have wanted to punch them, frankly. I'd far rather have been at home with him throughout.

As a family we ALL stepped up, including our poor daughters.

This is not the time to bring out the 'men are useless' posts.

Edited
Show quote history

Completely agree and id imagine he's supporting the op at gruelling appointments and treatments too and needs to be with her.. Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
honeyteddybear · 07/01/2025 22:25

Thank-you so much everyone and the the robust food for thought. The reason I kept it secret all this time was because I didn’t want to bring attention to myself, I just wanted to be a normal mum and give my kids a normal childhood as best as I can.

OP posts:
theeyeofdoe · 07/01/2025 22:33

I definitely wouldn't mind helping a unwell friend out. I definitely would ask.

On another note, is there any point having a useless au pair, especially as they're now not a cheap option as they're paid min wage.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 07/01/2025 22:37

I'd be really upset if a friend needed help and didn't ask. Frankly I'd help a stranger, let alone a friend. Please ask.

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