To ask this from my friends?

[honeyteddybear]

I’m 3 years into fighting stage 4 ‘c’.

I have 2 DC, 10 and 5. I managed to keep the diagnosis confidential until recently, but I have so many appointments, treatment days etc I need childcare help.

DH has a demanding job- he found us an au pair. She is not very good and of course she won’t be here for ever. We can’t afford a nanny and have no wider family. There isn’t really any ideal childcare, and some days I feel totally ok and don’t need any help.

What if I made a WhatsApp group of say, my closest 6-12 mum friends and said, please can you just be here for me, to take either child to school or pick up, when needed, but- this is forever basically? Which would mean helping me maybe once every few months each but I will never be able to repay anyone back? (Well, not with reciprocal childcare but maybe wine or champagne). I’m planning on sticking around. But I need a village more than ever. Is it unreasonable to even ask this when everyone has their own busy life.

Unfortunately some people, not necessarily the ones you would expect, really let you down when it comes to these sorts of situations. Obviously really hope this isn’t the case for the OP, but I think it’s better to manage expectations so as not to get hurt.

Of course you could ask, but in reality your DH is going to have to step up - does he realise this? He can't hide behind his job forever.

Yes but its usually pretty obvious when someone genuinely needs help and when someone is taking the mick. Asking for help with school runs because you can't be bothered or asking for help because you are busy getting your nails done or asking for regular childcare whilst you work because you don't want to pay for after-school club etc are examples of piss taking behaviour. The ops situation is totally different and I'm sure other people will realise that.

I think it is a good idea and guess that at least some of your friends will be glad to sign up. But I think you have to tell them in return exactly what is going on with your treatment. Apart from anything else it may be relevant to how your DC behave while they are with them. I do hope things work out well for you.

I’ve been part of a group like this for someone in the same situation. She messaged everyone individually to explain what the request was, then if we said yes we were added to the group.

It was a great way for people who knew and liked her but weren’t “best buddies already knowing everything that’s going on” to help - I was exactly that person who would say “let me know what I can do to help” but I didn’t know if she was coming up to a hard bit of treatment and could proactively offer. There were enough of us that someone was usually able to help, and it was nicer to be asked as a group rather than her or her DH trying to work out which of the people to reach out to each time. It was the same sort of timescales you’re talking about - once every now and again.

Best of luck to you and hope it helps xx

I'd help if I could, but I also agree with this. Ask them separately.

Hope you beat the blasted thing! I'm sorry.

Please ask your friends this. I would be absolutely happy to help with no expectation of any kind of repayment even for an acquaintance in your position.

Agree with the suggestion to ask individually first before creating the group though.

Sending you a big virtual hug

Absolutely reasonable, I'd happily do this for any of my friends, or the mums in DC's classes etc.

Often people want to help but don't want to overstep, and so they make vague "If you need anything..." type offers that are difficult to take up. It'll actually be easier for them if you make a specific request and they most will likely be happy to help where they can.

And to those saying her dh needs to step up.

Of course he does. And I'm sure he is. But you do realise that plenty of people live with stage 4 cancer for years, depending on the type of cancer. And so life also has to go on, which includes having to earn a living to support your family.

Not all jobs make balancing that with caring for a family easy and the op asking for support doesn't mean her dh isn't doing everything he can

And if he's not, and isn't supporting the op, then doesn't she need her friends more not less?

Yeah exactly. I'm usually the first to cry Useless Husband but in this case he has plenty on his plate as well and I'd be just as happy to lighten his load as the OP's.

I'd do it. Ask. The ones who won't will just politely not be available when you need them, the rest will be glad of having a way to help you through

It would rub you up the wrong way even if it was your friend suffering with stage 4, desperate for help?

We did exactly this when my friend was in hospital for several weeks and her partner was looking after the kids plus working.

We had a WhatsApp group of people who were broadly willing to help. Her partner would ask if he needed someone to collect the kids or have them for a few hours or drop off some shopping etc. The beauty of it was that he didn't have to feel he was putting individuals on the spot by asking - he could just ask the group as a whole and different people would say yes to different requests if they were available.

Good luck OP xx

I would absolutely want to help in this situation. I think a clear idea about how they can help would actually be beneficial for your friends, lots of people want to help out but don't know what to offer. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I’d do this for you love - if you live in Yorkshire that is. It’s what friends are for. Let them help.

Of course you're not being unreasonable and I hope you kick cancers arse. People will be only too willing to help.

That said, demanding job or not your DH has to learn to step up as far as sorting childcare goes. Lots of single parents have to manage.

Hiding behind his job? Otherwise known as working in return for money so he can support his family...

What an unfair comment

Absolutely do it. If I was your friend I would want to help.

Not really. He's going to have to take responsibility for this, which might mean downsizing the job and lifestyle, or might mean paying for proper care - but it sounds like he has just gone 'here's an au pair, get on with it'.

I've been there but with stage 1, I know I was very lucky, and mine were 4 and 7 then. We had no family help nearby but a huge number of local friends and mums I didn't know as well took over dropping and picking the kids up when needed, fed them tea and took them to activities when I needed help.
I'd absolutely have a chat with them one to one first and make it apparent that you don't expect them to help and if they're happy to do so then create the WhatsApp group.
We found we had parent A that did chemo day for my daughter parent B that did the same for my son and other parents that dropped off, collected etc.

Please do this. Our class WhatsApp group does this, so anything from walking one child to school when a mum broke her leg, to playdates and park trips for another child whose mum was undergoing cancer treatment. It's easier to share the load and all of us want to be helpful!

Maintaining his salary for as long as possible may well be the most useful way for him to take responsibility for now. We don't know. It's also a reasonable thing for him to struggle with.

OP isn't asking for strangers to raise their DC, she's asking for a bit of help with the school run. It's not a big ask and her DH will have plenty to deal with as it is.

@honeyteddybear Many years ago, and by that I mean 60+, my mum and a group of mums from our Church did something similar for the mum of a girl in the year below me. I only found out after Elizabeth's mum died, that my mum did their laundry (by hand... no washing machine in our house) and made meals for them. It was probably about 6-8 women, but it was never spoken about afterwards except when my mum said, "she would have done it for any of us." Just ask and give the task of organising the rota to one of the group and don't make it just mums... you are now doing what people always say, "Just ask," and now you need to ask.

On a personal note, I am sorry you are going through this and if someone living in South London can be of any help, pls DM me.

I suspect many would be grateful for small ways to help you.

We say 'let me know if there's anything I can do ' but then often feel useless. Because you don't want to pester the person asking and don't want to offend them in making out they can't manage or sticking your foot in it.

'can you take x to school on Thursday ' is the kind of thing I'd jump at in your friends position because I'd really want to help you but wouldn't necessarily know how to in practical terms.

I would happily do this as your friend op. Forever is a big word. Keep it open ended.
Your friends will want to do all they can.

I can completely understand why you have kept quiet (my sil did the same, she didn’t want to be defined by it) but there comes a point when the village needs to know: let others
support and look after you 💐