Unused embryos - is this a ridiculous thought?

[Whattodonowandthen]

This is probbly going to sound odd, but emotionally, it would bring me the greatest closure.

I've been lucky enough to complete my family, due to the miracle of IVF. I do however have four embryos still at the clinic. Every year, I pay for storage and the reality is I cant bear the thought of them being 'destoyed'.

They legally cannot be donated, nor used for research.

The only way i feel like i could emotionally say goodbye to them would be if I had them transferred back into me, but at a time of my cycle that means they would not result in a pregnancy.

I know that sounds ridiculous, but it would feel like they were at least coming to a natural end in me, not in a petri dish.

Is this even a legal option? Has anyone else considered this? Any words of advice if it's not possible?

It depends if both the people who provided the egg and sperm consent to donation for someone else’s treatment. Also, some people aren’t eligible to donate embryos for treatment due to failing the donor screening process. This is often due to their medical history or the results of genetic testing.

There are rules about this. I can't donate mine because my DP was over 45 at point of conception for example. This is the clinics rule, not mine.

I don't think there are many, if any, clinics in the UK who would do this for you, OP. You would likely have to go abroad.

I have had fertility treatment myself, lots of it, and I do understand the attachment.

We have several embryos frozen, but when the time comes, we will let them go. It sounds harsh but really, they are not babies, they are not even foetuses, they are just cells.

They were once something that represented the potential of what might have one day, in an alternate reality, become a baby - but so does every single egg and sperm. A morula/ blastocyst at such an early stage of development is really not much different.

Could you try to process your feelings in a safe environment with an understanding therapist, rather than having an unnecessary and expensive medical procedure?

OP and others have already outlined how completely incorrect you are

No there are legal issues around donating to another person.

I have an embryo frozen and it's on my mind all the time. I ideally wanted 4 children (I have 3, only youngest via IVF) but COVID delayed my last transfer by more than 18 months so I'm now far older than I would want to be having another.

My husband also definitely wouldn't be keen and there are many many other reasons not to do it.

If I was 2 years or so younger, I would definitely have transferred it though so it's extremely hard to accept that I can't/shouldn't. I have considered compassionate transfer for the same reasons as you but can't justify the very high costs when I'm not even trying/wanting to get pregnant.

I don't think I'm ever going to feel happy about my options now, I can't donate to research via my particular clinic and wouldn't donate to someone else except a family member maybe. I will have to let go in the next couple of years I think but I'll never not feel sad about it and wish it could have been different.

Well, they weren't - that's what we were told.

IVF is very popular now and I think there are an awful lot of unwanted embryos.

If you definitely don't want another child, I would ask for the embryos, then bury them in your garden, and plant a lovely shrub above their resting place. That way, they will always be part of your family.

Op I'm surprised there are laws against donation to research. I actually asked for more details on what research they did on them, mainly they are used for training embryoligists on handling them.

However if you can't or don't want to do that. I think could be tempted to ask for them in a dish and bury them in a plant pot 🪴 if your confident you can keep the plant alive.
Moneyplants or cactus are good at surviving under my watch.

My logic for a plant pot rather than the garden was you could take them with you if you move house.

Just plop them in and see what happens! The UK birth rate is plummeting anyway, go on, do your bit!

One of the reasons why IVF is a bad idea.

I can’t even imagine what you must be like as a person to make a comment that is this level of crass.

Its a common choice.

Confused why they 'legally' can't be donated OR researched though?

Pretty much any embryo can be researched (even ones not suitable for use). If you don't choose that morally thats fine but it should be an option.

Don't be ridiculous. Op has completed her family. Why would she want to risk a multiple pregnancy, the complications that come with it and the expense of raising twins or more.

And depending on her age she might not be allowed to transfer 4 at the one time. I think 3 is max even for over 40s.

We had frozen embryos. It was really tough to pick up the pen and sign for them (in our case) to be used for research. Once signed though, I felt a huge sense of relief that the decision had been made and done.

I thought I would wonder what ifs etc - but I genuinely feel no regrets, our family is complete.

Don't call pp ridiculous when it's literally the point of the thread... OP wants to do exactly that.

My DB and SIL have recently had a beautiful baby via embryo donation. They're devout Catholics and had unexplained fertility. Straightforward IVF was off the table for them, but having children via embryo donation is seen as a morally neutral option by the Vatican (as the embryos already exist, and might otherwise be destroyed). However, they had to go to Spain for the IVF, as I believe certain clinics specialise in it there. Just putting it out there in case this presents another avenue for you.

It sounds like a question for compassionate counselling.. so you can explore your thoughts and feelings and come to terms with letting them go..

Thank you so much to all the people who've provided helpful and kind advice.

I am sorry that there are others who are having to go through a similar and difficult decision.

For the time being I think I will continue to pay the storage fees and perhaps seek counselling on the subject.

Also, while I appreciate that some posters are keen to debate the legalities of donating (whether to individuals or for research), you are going to have to accept that given the dilemma I am currently facing that I really have explored these avenues and this isn't a possibility.

As other posters have explained, there are numerous reasons people are unable to do so - age of people involved, donor sperm/egg and what the donor has 'signed off' on, genetic conditions etc. So while you/someone you know may have been able to do so, that does not mean the same applies to everyone. It's not a one-size-fits-all set of rules. And rightly so.

There are various reasons why embryos can't be donated.

The OP clearly stated her embryos can't be donated yet multiple people are commenting saying 'oh I'm sure they can be donated'.

Speak with the clinic but it makes more sense to me to bury them. Or say goodbye to them in a river or somewhere.

I think they can only be stored for 10 years so depending on how long ago they were created you might be pushing that boundary too.

I don't think the clinic will agree to that in the first instance (it may affect their stats).And why waste money and resources setting something up for failure?

I'm also seeking IVF treatment; no success yet after 4 transfers and have 4 in the freezer. I was planning for a Jan transfer but now have put on pause. I am 42 and have been wondering recently if I'm now too old to become a parent. I have loads of meds left, so I'm also thinking I should go ahead with the transfers this year and see if there is success.. it is a dilemma.

I know what you mean by letting them come to a natural end; but understand they are embryos and not fetuses. This is what I tell myself should I decide not to proceed.

I don’t think compassionate transfer is legal in the UK - not if there is zero chance of pregnancy. That’s what we were told anyway.

Counselling is a good idea, and maybe starting to think about how having them planted in the garden would make you feel.

It’s a really difficult decision & one that there isn’t much discussion about. Especially as there are so many people who haven’t managed to have a baby or have ‘left over’ embryos. It just feels ungrateful to suggest it’s a ‘problem’. I have to say though, that there was a sense of relief once we’d signed the papers and our fertility journey was finally over.

💐 to all of you in this situation.