Lovely friend who always changes plans at last minute.

[SayItWithCrystals]

I have a lovely friend who I probably see once every couple of weeks for lunch, coffee, a walk, dinner - it’s usually just us two and we’ll spend perhaps a couple of hours or so together.

However - she always, without exception, changes the general plans we’ve agreed on.

This happens either the night before or the morning/day we’ve planned to meet. We don’t tend to plan massively far in advance, maybe a few days at most, and she doesn’t like to book particular places/times to eat, preferring to see how she feels on the day.

Sometimes that’s not a big deal - for example
she’s decided she wants to go for breakfast instead of lunch - and it’s no problem to just go along with that, and hope we find somewhere that can fit us in.

There’s a couple of times where the ‘plan’ has been to go to a particular gig or event; her suggestion but I’ve booked and paid for the tickets, and then she decides ‘she’s not feeling it anymore’ and if I want to go alone I should still go and give her ticket away. Last time this happened it was literally an hour before the gig, too late to ask someone else to go, and I was down about £30 because it wasn’t something I felt great about going to alone. The money is not the issue - it’s looking forward to something and then it all shifts, seemingly on a whim.

The other aspect is that I do get anxious about social stuff - I work hard to deal with this and to make sure I’ve worked through it all beforehand so I’m not bringing it along on the day. And I do manage this - but it takes a lot of mental effort to prepare, especially gigs etc, and the last minute changes really mess with my anxiety.

When I say it happens every single time - I mean literally every single time. What we do and where we go depends on ‘how it’s feeling right now’ and invariably that means it’s her choice. I do suggest things, places, so it’s not always down to her to think of stuff, but if she’s not feeling them then they’re dismissed.

I love her dearly and we do have a great time when we are together. I am just finding this flakiness really frustrating and I don’t know whether that’s unreasonable of me, and whether I should just go with the flow too.

AIBU - suck it up given you do always enjoy yourself and keep working on the anxiety.

AINBU - this behaviour is flaky and a little selfish.

If you have a nice time when you meet up, I'd stick her in the flakey category and only agree to things that won't cost you money or mean you're stuck at a gig etc with a stranger.

Have you spoken to her about it?

It's really weird of her to do that every time though!

I’m relatively easy going but I do struggle a bit when plans change! Sometimes it’s unavoidable but I still struggle. I would suggest saying to her ‘can we confirm this is what we’re doing next because I really like to know what plans are’?

That sounds very frustrating! As a start, I’d ask her to book tickets or ask her to transfer £ before you book. It isn’t fair she cancels and doesn’t pay - this approach may at least stop this. I’d also consider saying something.

I would find this annoying. If she does it every single time, then I would not agree to events where her flakiness would be a problem. So she wants to book a gig I'd say, "Mary, I'd love to go to that but the last 4 times you've cancelled at short notice and I've either had to scramble to find someoen or not go. So let's just stick to dinner" or whatever.

And if she changes dinner to lunch or a walk to a coffee, and YOU don't fancy it, then just say, "Sorry Mary - no problem that you want to change but I was really looking forward to getting outside so I'm going to go for the walk anyway - see you next week instead?" or whatever.

I can handle a change of plan, but every single time? I find that extremely selfish. It would put me off making arrangements with her. She seems very in touch with her needs and preferences but not her friends.

I agree with OhBling.

She's taking advantage of your good nature and willingness to arrange things and throwing it back in your face on a whim. She clearly doesn't care that her selfish behaviour is affecting you because, if she did care, she'd change.

I have one of these friends too. It's like a pathological need in her to change arrangements. She'll tweek the meeting time by 15 mins earlier on the morning itself. What on earth are we going to achieve 15 minutes earlier than the original plan.

I just send her a thumbs up sign now, can't be bothered by a discussion as to why. Like you, we have a lovely time together so I just let it wash over me. What's really galling is, she'll almost always be late anyway!

I had a friend who was always late. I don't mean five minutes, I mean an hour, every single time. No text, nothing, she'd just waltz in after I'd been waiting for her, no apology.
If we had booked something, I'd leave her ticket at reception and go in and take my seat.

I absolutely hate people being late. I'm always early, so it was infuriating. However I decided to put up with it because I liked meeting up with her.

You need to decide if you can tolerate her behaviour and if you can, then find ways to mitigate it. If she doesn't go to gigs, then stop booking tickets.If you don't want to do breakfast, then say it doesn't work for you.

You are being a massive people pleaser. Treat your plans with her as a ‘might happen’ and don’t buy tickets etc up front any more. Let her do it. Let her make restaurant bookings. If she won’t then she clearly isn’t that keen to go.

Don’t book anything with her unless she transfers money to you first.

Next time don’t txt her offering to meet up, wait until she texts you.

If she offers to change prearranged plans tell her that unfortunately you can’t as you’ve made plans already and if she can’t make the original plan you prefer to rearrange. And see how she’ll react.

Follow these^ to the letter and you’ll see the difference one way or another soon.

she only "always changes plans at last minute" because you let her, though. All she can actually do is ask or suggest to change the plans - it's up to you to then say "yeah okay" or "no that doesn't work for me. We agreed to go for breakfast, not lunch and I need to be back by 12." You don't have to do what she says.

I can only agree with pps - just stop making any plans with her that you wouldn't be happy to do alone or where you honestly don't care if the details change . And stop paying for her tickets up front!

Well she's not a lovely friend, she's a user.

• stop booking & paying for anything; tell her to book if you want to do anything so she'll end up being the one out of pocket
• don't let her move things around all the time. If you were meeting at 12.30 for lunch & she wants to meet at 10.00 for brunch it's OK to say "sorry, I've got things to do this morning. I can stick with our 12.30 plan or let me know when you want to reschedule for"

She sounds massively annoying. Does anyone have any insight into why people do this? My DP is the same - everything from where we’re going on holiday right down to sitting down in a cafe and deciding just after I’ve got comfy that we have to move tables.
Sympathies OP. It’s easy enough to say ‘don’t put up with it’ but people can be real buggers sometimes for making you feel like you’re being the awkward one. You’re not!

It's flaky and selfish behaviour. In future I would not plan anything with her which involves paying upfront - what's the point you know she'll cancel and it will be an expense for you. As for her changing plans at short notice I guess that depends on how much of an inconvenience it is for you but next time she does it I would be tempted to say 'this doesn't suit me today - lets leave it and meet in a couple of weeeks'. I don't understand her changing lunch arrangements to breakfast plans depending on how she's feeling in the moment as surely you would have already eaten breakfast yourself by this point. You've said she seems dismissive of your suggestions. She doesn't seem like a lovely friend.

What would happen if you said “Mary, I’ve just checked and you’ve changed 19 of our last plans. I’m finding it frustrating that you always have to change things”?

Does she offer to pay back for tickets to events she has cancelled? Funny how she lets you make the bookings.
Is there any mental health reasons for her cancelling last minute? Caring responsibilities that might affect her availablity?

It’s not a little selfish, it’s a lot selfish. She doesn’t sound lovely, she sounds really self-centered with zero consideration of your time, money or feelings. I’d actually call her out on it and see how she reacts. She sounds entirely absorbed with her own wants and needs, and is using you as a back up plan until she decides what she actually wants to do.

Maybe look at it that lovely as she is, she isn’t respecting you or your time.
If it was my friend I would have to subtly “re-educate” her.
”I can make lunch tomorrow that we scheduled, I can’t change to earlier, so lets re-book for next week instead then”
And firmly fix a time and venue. Let her know that you are working it around your other commitments for that day.

I agree with this.

It is always what she is feeling, with no room given for you to express your preference.

God very tiring op. Had this too with one friend. I stick to coffees now. Cinema I meet her there buy our own. One time I was driving and she suggested another eating place but I said ah we just stick to booking. Its quite hard work meeting her and never on time!

I'm actually quite surprised by the poll outcome. Lately on here everyone is out for themselves and very much 'don't do it if you don't want to'.

The occasional change is fine. Changing every time seems like a power play or that she really dies not value your time, convenience or opinion. Changing something which is booked and paid for is downright rude.

I think I'd be unavailable for changes other than a slight time adjustment, maybe 30 mins.

Is she testing you? It's like a power move? As if she always has to be the one in control and she seeing how much she can push plans around before you dig your heels in? Very annoying.

Op I don't think we have the full story here...how do you treat your friend? Is there a reason she's flaky or cancels? Are you hard work? I ask because I have a friend who always accuses our mutual friend of flaking on her but it's because she's so draining and miserable. She's really good at making herself sound lovely and saying she doesn't know why so and so has cancelled again but has drama and problems in her life every single day with someone. On total reflection are things exactly as you describe them?

Thanks so much for replies, I appreciate it.

I meant to put in my original post that I’m very aware of how my people-pleaser tendencies are coming into play here - I can only agree with those who have pointed that out! And that of course is why I’ve never really tackled it or spoken about it, and that is all on me.

I’ve wondered in the past if it’s a mental
health or a control thing - I don’t think it’s the former, it could be the latter.

After reading the first few replies and in the face of the latest ‘change’ for tomorrows plan, I replied and said sorry, I’d need to stick to our original plan of lunch rather than changing to breakfast. She came back and said that was fine and suggested we meet at 12, and then literally within a few mins said no, let’s make it 12.30 instead. Maybe control? I don’t know, but a change on that scale isn’t a massive deal and doesn’t affect things hugely so I’m fine with that.

In terms of ‘the full story’ and how I treat her, I do my best to be a good, kind, generous, listening friend but one who, as we all do, has flaws. I am pretty quiet and she is not so I do a lot of listening; I’m aware that could be a drain too if someone is very quiet so I try to make sure I contribute too. I don’t bring drama, I do get anxious but, as I’ve said in my original post, I work hard on that a lot before I go places with people so that I’m not bringing that to them. I don’t think I’m hard work to be honest, I’m pretty easygoing and go with the flow.

I think it is a control thing.
Or a type of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) or similar.

If the proposed change doesn't bother you, let her have her own way, e.g. a change from 12.00 to 12.30.
If it inconveniences you in any way, just say no, and give her the option of sticking to the original plan or cancelling altogether.