Lovely friend who always changes plans at last minute.

[SayItWithCrystals]

I have a lovely friend who I probably see once every couple of weeks for lunch, coffee, a walk, dinner - it’s usually just us two and we’ll spend perhaps a couple of hours or so together.

However - she always, without exception, changes the general plans we’ve agreed on.

This happens either the night before or the morning/day we’ve planned to meet. We don’t tend to plan massively far in advance, maybe a few days at most, and she doesn’t like to book particular places/times to eat, preferring to see how she feels on the day.

Sometimes that’s not a big deal - for example
she’s decided she wants to go for breakfast instead of lunch - and it’s no problem to just go along with that, and hope we find somewhere that can fit us in.

There’s a couple of times where the ‘plan’ has been to go to a particular gig or event; her suggestion but I’ve booked and paid for the tickets, and then she decides ‘she’s not feeling it anymore’ and if I want to go alone I should still go and give her ticket away. Last time this happened it was literally an hour before the gig, too late to ask someone else to go, and I was down about £30 because it wasn’t something I felt great about going to alone. The money is not the issue - it’s looking forward to something and then it all shifts, seemingly on a whim.

The other aspect is that I do get anxious about social stuff - I work hard to deal with this and to make sure I’ve worked through it all beforehand so I’m not bringing it along on the day. And I do manage this - but it takes a lot of mental effort to prepare, especially gigs etc, and the last minute changes really mess with my anxiety.

When I say it happens every single time - I mean literally every single time. What we do and where we go depends on ‘how it’s feeling right now’ and invariably that means it’s her choice. I do suggest things, places, so it’s not always down to her to think of stuff, but if she’s not feeling them then they’re dismissed.

I love her dearly and we do have a great time when we are together. I am just finding this flakiness really frustrating and I don’t know whether that’s unreasonable of me, and whether I should just go with the flow too.

AIBU - suck it up given you do always enjoy yourself and keep working on the anxiety.

AINBU - this behaviour is flaky and a little selfish.

💯

Just don’t answer the text/phone requests for a time change and see what happens?

Fuck that noise. Good for you, sticking up for yourself and your preferences. I'm a total people pleaser but this is off the hook ridiculous. Her changes in plans aren't for genuine reasons, there's definitely some sort of game/power play that I just couldn't get on board with. After a point, I know for a fact I'd drift away from this person. I do find change very very difficult but will adapt to suit a friends genuine need. But this game, absolutely not.

Listen to your gut and your true feelings. If you want to change to the new plan, go for it. But if you don't, just don't and tell her like you have done today. Don't apologise if you can't change plans.

I think I'd have to ask her about it some time..

The changing times for a coffee I could perhaps take, but the letting you down by not going to something you’ve bought tickets for at the last minute is really bad. You should have told her how much it upset you, how much you were looking forward to it and how let down you feel by her. Don’t let her treat you like this. Don’t book anything else you really want to do with her, and if she suggests something tell her you couldn’t trust her to not let you down so you’re not going with her. Let her realise her actions have consequences.

Have you really never talked to her about this? I would be piss-taking her about what she was going to change long ago. Did you have friends like this growing up and have you just got into the habit of always being the flexible one? If so, its unfair on you and she's a bitch for taking you for granted.

This. Good work on pushing back about the latest arrangements. One thing: don't ever book and pay for tickets for anything with her again. If she suggests it, say 'You book, because every other time you've cancelled and I've lost money'.

Are you afraid you'll lose her friendship if you challenge her? Or afraid she'll get arsy with you?

Has she paid you for the £30 tickets? if not she's a twat and you need to never agree to anything that might cost money upfront, or if it's her suggestion, why isn't she paying? I'd be very annoyed she's costing you money, real friends don't do that. She's pulled out and spoilt your plans for the evening which is really not great is it?

Agree with some other comments, if you enjoy her company when you do see her I would concentrate on only going for a casual lunch or coffee/a walk. Don’t book any expensive tickets or events that you wouldn’t want to go to alone, still see her but just keep it casual, nothing that is pre booked.

A little bit BUT I believe that’s my own shadows/insecurities, other than the flakiness I’ve described she’s never been arsey or anything other than a lovely friend.

When this first started happening I did wonder if it was something I was doing or if I was being a bad friend/difficult or unpleasant to be around/etc. But she is often proactive about us getting together, so I’m assuming she is happy about that, and a lot of the plans she seeks to change are her idea in the first place - and when the realisation dawned that this happens every single time I eased up on myself a wee bit!

I do value my friendships very much, I am shy and introverted and am not someone who can easily make lots of new friends (too silent and awkward and weird 😂) so those I do have, I value greatly and I probably can be a little too flexible/people-pleasey as a result.

The replies I’ve had here have helped a lot though - I do know that ultimately I either need to put up with it or speak up about it. The lack of speaking up so far is entirely on me!

Do you not have many other friends or much of a busy life so that you allow her to run you around like this? Whatever answer that is, you know it's wrong she's a piss taker. Try to stick to your guns more often and see what happens. And I like others have said, let her book and pay her own way.

And don't put yourself down.

The question isn't are you being unreasonable
You clearly are not

The question is why are you being a doormat ?

You sound lovely, she doesn’t (sorry).
She clearly thinks her time and what she wants trumps yours. She’s very selfish.

Years ago I had a friend who was always late, as in an hour or more. I’d pick her up and be sat outside her house and she would then text me and say “I’m just getting ready”. I did confront her eventually and it turned out she was just lazy and procrastinated. It put a stop to it, she was still late but more 10/15 mins!

I am a little bit flakey (nothing like as bad as your friend though!) and for me it is about control, unfortunately. There's a feeling that I need everything to be optimised, so 12 might change to 12.30 so that I can take the most efficient transport without being early or late/fit in an errand on the way/be back in time to go for a run before dark... Obviously it's a pretty selfish pov so you need to push back.

I have to like someone very much to put up with this. It sounds as if you do like your friend very much, so I'd go for damage limitation. Never book any tickets in advance. Try to arrange any day when you're seeing her so that it's easy to make last minute changes without upsetting other plans. Fell free to say you can't make it if her changes are inconvenient, but calmly.

I have a friend who sounds very similar. She too is absolutely lovely. But she’ll plan things and then get anxious about them, or something will crop up. And then there’s always a huge drama around it which ends up being bloody stressful and usually involves me running around trying to change/get credit for tickets. So I’ve got a bit hard hearted now and I just don’t plan those sorts of things with her any more. Coffee? Absolutely. Lunch, somewhere you can turn up on the day and don’t need a reservation many moons in advance? Great. But I won’t suggest or agree to do anything involving theatre/concert tickets any more, or make elaborate dinner plans. I think a similar approach might work for you here. Just accept that you won’t have a firm plan, but be prepared to stand your ground with “lunch doesn’t work for me” or whatever.

Congratulations OP on making the first steps!
Next time text her that 12.30 is ok but you will still need to leave at 14.30 as was planned initially as you have an appointment/ need to be at home for a delivery / need to catch a particular bus. Then put alarm on your mobile on and leave at agreed time. I don’t know why your friend behaves like this but you basically need to train her to be more considerate of others, in particular you.
Saying this don’t be petty and do rearrange if she has urgent medical appointment, her car is broken, her cat is lost or whatever similar AND you can make a new time/ place easily.
Flexibility is ok but cheeky fuckery is not.

It sounds like you're being used a bit

Do you pay for these lunches /breakfast / ,
Coffees /outings?

Or is it taking it turns /pay for what your have ordered separately.

She is kind of not valuing you/ your time and money.
You say it isn't about money lost, but really, there is no respect for your time and money spent.

You sound lovely.
Her definitely not so much.
I would think being caught for unpaid tickets, completely unacceptable.
Perhaps let her organise and pay for things going forward.
You sound like a lovely friend to a very self absorbed person.

Great well done!

ok next step is finding activities that you can do without her or other slightly overpowering friends. Find your people. Then friends like this will matter less and you can take back some control and confidence

I find this incredibly annoying. Just say no sorry that won't work for me. Shall we just cancel. Totally inconsiderate. Not flakey.

I’d never book anything pre paid again with her and if she kept changing plans from day dinner to lunch I would cancel and say that wasn’t the plan and I’m doing something else at that time.

Stop going along with it.

i have clicked, based on the OP, that YABU and the reason is clear when i got to your 2nd post.

this is the catch-all mumsnet excuse: "oh i'm a people pleaser"

I get it, it is hard. But you are a grown woman who earns her own money. Just say "no i prefer to stick to our original plan" and then go alone if she wants to mess you around. Don't buy her tickets for anything unless she gives you the money in advance. None of this is hard, i get it is harder for a "people pleaser" but you can't have it both ways. Either you continue to be messed around and lump it, or you put a stop to it (gradually, doesn't have to be all at once). You can't put up with it AND moan about it.

I would suggest starting slowly and gently. First off: no paying money out in advance. Stick to that. You could introduce this in stages of you get the tickets as usual but she gives you the money 5 days in advance or you get someone else to buy it off you. Would that work? Going to gigs alone isn't as awful as you think it is going to be, honestly. Then gradually ramp up to "no i have arranged my other plans around our original arrangements" and either she goes along with it or she doesn't.

More difficult, i think: try to widen your friendship circle.

If she suggests a meet up which involves booking or pre-paying then she needs to sort that aspect out and you give her the money when you are at the event so you're not out of pocket again. Does she give you what she owes you or are you left trying to give away her ticket which you've paid for?

The changing plans, ie lunch to breakfast at short notice, and it always being her suggestion or preference - only you know how much it bothers you.