Lovely friend who always changes plans at last minute.

[SayItWithCrystals]

I have a lovely friend who I probably see once every couple of weeks for lunch, coffee, a walk, dinner - it’s usually just us two and we’ll spend perhaps a couple of hours or so together.

However - she always, without exception, changes the general plans we’ve agreed on.

This happens either the night before or the morning/day we’ve planned to meet. We don’t tend to plan massively far in advance, maybe a few days at most, and she doesn’t like to book particular places/times to eat, preferring to see how she feels on the day.

Sometimes that’s not a big deal - for example
she’s decided she wants to go for breakfast instead of lunch - and it’s no problem to just go along with that, and hope we find somewhere that can fit us in.

There’s a couple of times where the ‘plan’ has been to go to a particular gig or event; her suggestion but I’ve booked and paid for the tickets, and then she decides ‘she’s not feeling it anymore’ and if I want to go alone I should still go and give her ticket away. Last time this happened it was literally an hour before the gig, too late to ask someone else to go, and I was down about £30 because it wasn’t something I felt great about going to alone. The money is not the issue - it’s looking forward to something and then it all shifts, seemingly on a whim.

The other aspect is that I do get anxious about social stuff - I work hard to deal with this and to make sure I’ve worked through it all beforehand so I’m not bringing it along on the day. And I do manage this - but it takes a lot of mental effort to prepare, especially gigs etc, and the last minute changes really mess with my anxiety.

When I say it happens every single time - I mean literally every single time. What we do and where we go depends on ‘how it’s feeling right now’ and invariably that means it’s her choice. I do suggest things, places, so it’s not always down to her to think of stuff, but if she’s not feeling them then they’re dismissed.

I love her dearly and we do have a great time when we are together. I am just finding this flakiness really frustrating and I don’t know whether that’s unreasonable of me, and whether I should just go with the flow too.

AIBU - suck it up given you do always enjoy yourself and keep working on the anxiety.

AINBU - this behaviour is flaky and a little selfish.

For some insight -

I used to be a flaky friend - not a late canceller but late arrival or late changes. I changed about 25 years ago (very early 20s) It is weird when I look back to before that; I just thought it was ok. My dsis was always and still is outrageously late and I thought I was fine. When my fitness made pointed weary remarks I'd make a joke and change the subject.

I had one friend Susan who didn't tolerate it. She was not connected to my other friends and a little older. Interactions would go like this

Me "hey! Looking forward to seeing you. Can we push back to 7pm as I'm caught up with something here"
Her "Not really. I was already hanging on in work for our 6pm meeting so another hour doesn't suit me. We can leave it for another time."
Me "no, sorry! I'll be there asap, is 6.20 ok?"
Her "yes but no later please. I'll meet you at the venue"

Similar happened twice or possibly three times in our friendship and then I simply knew to never treat Susan like this. I then stopped treating anyone like this. In later years I began to reflect on why I had ever thought it was fine to leave people hanging around and justifying their inconvenience with my stupid excuses.

I think you should have some stock phrases for your friend eg.

"No that doesn't suit as I've a busy day today. We can meet up another time."
"I'll let you book the tickets as I don't want to be left at a loose end on a Friday night again"

As an aside, I assume she paid for HER tickets at least? Not that that excuses anything.

She's filed you in her head as a friend its ok to change plans with. You need to change that perception.

I think she actually doesn’t want to see you but doesn’t know how to say that. It sounds like she dreads these meet ups.

She's not a lovely friend, she's a selfish CF. Next time she wants to change plans about where you go, refuse. See what happens. If she cancels things you've paid for insist on her giving you the money. You say you love her dearly? She doesn't love you dearly, she loves herself.

Thanks again for all replies.

I am working on the people pleasing, have been for some time and will continue to do so!

Thank you for the replies from those who have changed plans in a similar way - it’s so
helpful to hear that insight and that this behaviour is not simply put down as ‘she doesn’t want to see you’. Without going into massive detail, and certainly after a lot of reflection not just now but in the past, I don’t think it’s that. She is very proactive about us getting together and meeting up, it is very often at her instigation or suggestion, and she often wants to come along to other stuff I’m doing.

I made a small step by pushing back on the latest change, that’s something for me to build on, and I’ll continue to do my best to be a good friend at the same time. Grateful for inspiration to do that and the perspective offered by all.

Defo this. Make her have the financial consequences of her flakiness - not you!

and d-nt always be available for her change of mind plan.

“No i can’t make breakfast but can still do lunch as planned”

Absolute NO WAY. She is a flaky CF. I would be dropping her like a hot brick.

Only you know her, but she doesn't sound nice to me.
Ditching you an hour before a concert you paid for - very not nice.

Well she doesn't sound lovely but if she's a true friend to you you need to tell her how changing plans massively affects your anxiety

Of course she is a lovely friend, you are going along with everything that she wants. How lovely would she be if challenged to pay you back for every event you paid for that she then fobbed off at the last minute? I think you need to widen your friendship circle a bit OP, when you find people that treat you kindly, as you do them, this one friend won't hold so much importance for you anymore.

Going forward I would be messaging her "I am going to X event at Y time, if you fancy it?" and then do it whether she flakes or not. No more changing plans for her, she attends or she doesn't but no more costing you time and money.

She doesn't sound lovely; she sounds like a selfish, flaky PITA with no thought for how her actions affect others.

I suspect that she changes plans because she doesn’t think them through properly at the outset, or something in her life changes, such as a better offer or something else that she wants to do as well or instead. So then comes to the day and in an entirely selfish way she tweaks it to suit herself so that she can have her cake and eat it.. BECAUSE you have never given her any indication that this isn’t fine with you.

She probably thinks that you are the most adaptable and flexible friend and that you are easy-going and really don’t care whether or not she changes your plans.

If you don’t tell her then how is she ever to know?

It’s up to you to tell her OP. She’s being disrespectful but you are allowing her to treat you this way. And by not speaking up, you are giving her the impression that her behaviour is fine with you.

You sound lovely by the way, but she will respect you more if you tell her. Get on your big girl pants as it were ..

I have a sister just like that ... I suspect it's deliberate and controlling on your friend's part, for whatever reason. Don't play her games, step back a wee bit and see how she reacts.

Get a few rules in place to stop this.
If it involves any tickets or cost she pays up front otherwise you don't book it. If she changes her mind at the last minute for other things (e.g. breakfast instead if lunch) I'd just reply "Sorry I can't make that, I'll have to cancel if we change timings". She may get the message after a few times. If not then start to double confirm plans when you book "just double confirming you can do x, y and z on date/time because you changed ot last time and I had to rearrange stuff".

She sounds like she is controlling your relationship OP . Friends aren't like that to each other.