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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I have to go? How far do you go to please other people?

61 replies

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:04

Hi everyone.

My new year's resolution was to say no to things I don't want to do, and stop being a people pleaser. But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, because it's the right thing to do, don't we?

I have a group of friends who I have known for the last 40 years. We rarely speak anymore, and are probably friends because we've been friends for so long, rather than having anything in common. Life seems to have got in the way and we've grown apart. However, we've always been to each others wedding, special birthdays, and made an effort for the big life events.

One of the group is having a big birthday later this year. She asked last year re our availability and we all confirmed, and she has booked a weekend away for us. The thing is, I really don't want to go. I'd rather be at home with my family. In the past when I've spent time with this group I've often come away feeling bad about myself in some way. In addition, my DS has now qualified for a big sporting event that we would have attended as a family. And I'd much rather go to that.

I know that if I don't go, the friendship will probably be over. I think I'm going because I don't want people to talk badly of me if I don't?

How do you know when you should say no to things you don't want to do, and when do you just push through and do them because you know you'd been unreasonable not to?

Yabu = your friend has always made an effort for you and you should return the favour
Yanbu = it's ok to back out and not do something you don't want to do

OP posts:

needapokerface · 06/01/2025 16:07

It's an invitation not a summons, just message and say you will be unable to attend but hopes she has a lovely weekend.

FanofLeaves · 06/01/2025 16:08

Have you already paid? How much commitment have you made in going?

I am all for celebrating friends’ birthdays etc and do make the effort but I’d be annoyed if I had to give over a whole weekend to do it with someone else dictating the venue and location, so I’d decline. I wouldn’t go if I was going to be resentful and regret being there.

rookiemere · 06/01/2025 16:08

It sounds like you have outgrown this particular group of friends, so yes I do think it's a bit rude to pull out when dates were checked and confirmed, but maybe it's the most natural way for you to bow out of a group that isn't making you happy any more.

TeeBee · 06/01/2025 16:13

Presumably you'd still pay for your place if you don't go as you already confirmed you were going. In which case, they'll get more space. I'd just apologise and say you now need to go and support your son. If they break the friendship over something so inconsequential, it wasn't a friendship worth worrying about.

Michellesbackbrace · 06/01/2025 16:14

i know that if I don't go, the friendship will probably be over

Surely that’s a win-win then considering you don’t actually want to hang out with these people?

You have outgrown the friendship and that’s ok. Just say “sorry, an important sports event of ds’s has come up on the same date that I can’t miss” - any “friend” who took umbrage at that and cuts you off really isn’t a real friend anyway.

You sound like a people pleaser who struggles with saying no - if you can find the courage to do this more often you will find it really liberating, life is far too short to spend whole weekends with people you’re really not keen on.

Original poster

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:17

I was expecting an absolute roasting so the first few replies have given me food for thought. Yes I'd still pay for my place - it's not the cost that's an issue, it's just that I really don't want to go. I do struggle with being a people pleaser and should have just made a suitable excuse or said no as soon as I was invited.

OP posts:

FrenchandSaunders · 06/01/2025 16:17

I started reading this thinking it would be a shame to let these friendships go, with all your shared history etc. But then the bit about you coming away feeling bad about yourself ..... def don't go OP. Friends should do the opposite to that.

lola006 · 06/01/2025 16:22

Is DS’s event the same weekend as the birthday weekend? I just can’t imagine anyone being pissed off that a parent would want to chose their child’s big event over a weekend getaway, especially with a fair amount of notice (you say it’s later this year so I assume sometime from spring onward?).

Just message her privately and say you’re so sorry but DS’s has qualified for a big event and you really need to be there to support and cheer him on.

Tiredofallthis101 · 06/01/2025 16:22

I'd think a bit more deeply about what it is that leaves you feeling bad coming out of these things. Is it just that your friends' circumstances are different to yours for example, versus are your friends being catty to you? This would affect my approach. If the friends weren't really friends I'd just give your excuses and not worry about it. If they are really friends and you want to keep the friendship going I'd suck it up and go.

username299 · 06/01/2025 16:23

It's a difficult one. Are people going to have to pay more if you back out? If so, I'd pay what I owe and not go.

It looks like the friendship has come to an end anyway, especially if you come away feeling bad.

ETA A great stock phrase when caught of guard is: "I'll think about it and let you know."

Original poster

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:23

FrenchandSaunders · 06/01/2025 16:17

Thank you. I can't even pinpoint why I come away feeling bad. I can feel like I'm not as fun, or interesting, or respected as the rest of them, and can feel a bit like an outsider. Maybe I'm only invited because we've always all done things together, rather than being wanted there. But, that could just be me projecting and not the reality - I don't know. In any event, I do know I'm not feeling overjoyed at the idea of spending time with them. I don't have a lot of friends, and I think I'm actually ok with that. I like my little bubble of my family. Maybe that's sad in itself and I should broaden my horizons and make more effort!

OP posts:

CollectedStories · 06/01/2025 16:23

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:17

Well, work on the people-pleasing. It's not an attractive trait, and it means you do things like waste your time going on a weekend you know you won't enjoy with people you don't care if you ever see again, purely because you don't want anyone to have the opportunity to say anything negative about you. Is that really how you want to live?

At least you know why you're compelled to do things you have no desire to do, and aren't like many people-pleasers, deluding yourself that you're simply 'too nice' -- which is the first step to tackling it like the bad habit it is.

But no, you should go to your son's thing with a free conscience.

itsgettingweird · 06/01/2025 16:24

Your ds has got into a sporting event. Your family come first.

Just say it's come up and you can't go anymore. If they need payment and you'd committed and the price is based on that then yes pay - but don't go if you don't want to.

Original poster

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:24

I must add that none of them are bad people. Nobody has done anything outrageous or awful.

OP posts:

HoppityBun · 06/01/2025 16:24

I know that if I don't go, the friendship will probably be over.

So. Does that matter to you?
If so then go.
If not, then don’t go.

Onlycoffee · 06/01/2025 16:25

How do you know when you should say no to things you don't want to do, and when do you just push through and do them because you know you'd been unreasonable not to?

I think your question is flawed. "Pushing through when you know you'd be unreasonable not to" is not the opposite of knowing when you don't want to do something.

If you are committed to saying no then you need to decide on what is important to you, your values so you can evaluate each decision based on an unchanging set of rules.

What is more important to you, how your self esteem and self respect, or what certain people think of you?

devilspawn · 06/01/2025 16:26

But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, because it's the right thing to do, don't we?

That applies to things like cleaning the toilet and paying taxes. Social engagements are always optional unless you're part of the Royal family.

If you lose friendships over not attending one single event, they weren't actual friends to begin with.

onwardsup4 · 06/01/2025 16:26

I think if the friendship would be over if you don't attend a birthday it should tell you all you need to know about the friendship

OurDreamLife · 06/01/2025 16:27

If the friendship is over because you can’t attend then they aren’t friends worth keeping anyway.

I would put the sporting event above an old friendship meet up where nobody is really friends anyway.

Waterboatlass · 06/01/2025 16:30

You've got a genuine clash with a more important event this time and I think anyone would understand prioritising your son. I wouldn't expect this to be the end of the friendship. Obv you can't leave the others out of pocket after confirming but as you say, that's not the issue. If they blank you then they weren't really friends, even distant ones. Send a card and gift or flowers and I think it'll be fine. I'd dodge this event but try and keep the door open from your end as 40 years is a long time.

Stuckinthepaststill · 06/01/2025 16:30

FrenchandSaunders · 06/01/2025 16:17

This…

SpringleDingle · 06/01/2025 16:31

If you don't want to go.... don't go. Just tell them something has come up and you are sorry.

Evenutally people stop inviting you to stuff - whioch suits me fine. I am a loner, happy with my own little family group.

pandaface680 · 06/01/2025 16:32

I think if I didn't have other plans that weekend I would try to make the effort to go. These things often turn out to be more fun once you're there and I get the feeling from your post that you will only sit stewing over what people may be saying about you if you don't go.

I'm a creature of habit and love my home comforts. I really have to force myself to do things like this sometimes but I'm always glad that I did. Because mostly I end up having a great time and also because the friendships mean a lot to me and it does take a little effort to maintain them.

However......that being said, you have a clash of plans. It's your family and you'd much prefer to do this thing with them. So you have a genuine excuse. If you'd only be going to people please and you'd much rather attend the sporting event with your family I guess you have your answer.

5128gap · 06/01/2025 16:32

If you're going to start saying no to things, which is fair enough, it's ALL in the timing. Say no when you're first asked, everyone knows where they stand and you're not letting anyone down. Say no when you've accepted because you don't fancy it anymore and you're being unreliable and rude and will damage your friendships. It would be wrong to pull out of your friends birthday. There's been threads of late from people's whose friends did this and they were very hurt by it.

LondonSpaPool · 06/01/2025 16:32

I think the time to say no to this one was back when it was booked, which was unfortunately before your resolution. In future you should decline such invitations at the start.
For this one, it’s a bit of a gray area. If you don’t think you’ll miss these friends, then don’t go. But for those saying friends who’d drop the friendship over this aren’t worth having, I’d say I have little time for friends who commit to something and then bail, so this would damage a friendship for me (though I wouldn’t drop you at the first instance)

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