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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to go? How far do you go to please other people?

61 replies

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:04

Hi everyone.

My new year's resolution was to say no to things I don't want to do, and stop being a people pleaser. But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, because it's the right thing to do, don't we?

I have a group of friends who I have known for the last 40 years. We rarely speak anymore, and are probably friends because we've been friends for so long, rather than having anything in common. Life seems to have got in the way and we've grown apart. However, we've always been to each others wedding, special birthdays, and made an effort for the big life events.

One of the group is having a big birthday later this year. She asked last year re our availability and we all confirmed, and she has booked a weekend away for us. The thing is, I really don't want to go. I'd rather be at home with my family. In the past when I've spent time with this group I've often come away feeling bad about myself in some way. In addition, my DS has now qualified for a big sporting event that we would have attended as a family. And I'd much rather go to that.

I know that if I don't go, the friendship will probably be over. I think I'm going because I don't want people to talk badly of me if I don't?

How do you know when you should say no to things you don't want to do, and when do you just push through and do them because you know you'd been unreasonable not to?

Yabu = your friend has always made an effort for you and you should return the favour
Yanbu = it's ok to back out and not do something you don't want to do

OP posts:
Original poster
ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:34

SpringleDingle · 06/01/2025 16:31

If you don't want to go.... don't go. Just tell them something has come up and you are sorry.

Evenutally people stop inviting you to stuff - whioch suits me fine. I am a loner, happy with my own little family group.

I think I need to get more comfortable with accepting I'm a loner. There's so much pressure to have lots of friendships, but I find it exhausting to maintain them. I see people posting on Facebook about nights out with friends etc and I feel as though I should want that, but I just don't.

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 06/01/2025 16:35

You can spend time with family every other weekend.

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 06/01/2025 16:36

I have a bff who I love to bits, we've been friends for 35 years. She would be completely ok if I had to bail because DC had qualified for a sporting event (though we'd definitely reschedule the get-together).

Sounds like this friendship has run it's course. Go to your son's event and learn how to say no in future!

Original poster
ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:37

If it wasn't for the fact my DS now has a sporting event id have probably just pushed through and done it in the hope I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and it avoids any awkwardness. It's the fact I don't really want to go AND I'm missing out on doing something I do want to do. However, I've already said I'm available and it's booked and I think I'd be unreasonable to back out now. Maybe I just have to suck it up on this occasion and do better at saying no as soon as I'm asked in the future.

OP posts:
museumum · 06/01/2025 16:39

Has none of you ever missed one of these events in 40 years? Surely somebody has? I think you saying the friendships would all be over if you missed one birthday sounds like insecurity, as does the fact you come away feeling bad. Are you insecure around them? Do they make you feel lesser?
It doesn't sound healthy tbh. You ought to want to see your friends, and also be able to turn down invitations occasionally without being dumped by them. These don't sound like good friends.

ilovesooty · 06/01/2025 16:40

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:17

I was expecting an absolute roasting so the first few replies have given me food for thought. Yes I'd still pay for my place - it's not the cost that's an issue, it's just that I really don't want to go. I do struggle with being a people pleaser and should have just made a suitable excuse or said no as soon as I was invited.

I think that's fair enough. If you're prepared to pay for your place so that no one is out of pocket, it doesn't seem unreasonable to withdraw, and you've said you'd approach such an invitation differently in the future.

FrenchandSaunders · 06/01/2025 16:41

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:23

Thank you. I can't even pinpoint why I come away feeling bad. I can feel like I'm not as fun, or interesting, or respected as the rest of them, and can feel a bit like an outsider. Maybe I'm only invited because we've always all done things together, rather than being wanted there. But, that could just be me projecting and not the reality - I don't know. In any event, I do know I'm not feeling overjoyed at the idea of spending time with them. I don't have a lot of friends, and I think I'm actually ok with that. I like my little bubble of my family. Maybe that's sad in itself and I should broaden my horizons and make more effort!

Show quote history

Nothing sad about that at all, I think your New Year resolution is fab.
Do what makes you happy.

DowntonBlabbie · 06/01/2025 16:44

Tink3rbell30 · 06/01/2025 16:35

You can spend time with family every other weekend.

And that too, if that's what she wants

DowntonBlabbie · 06/01/2025 16:45

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:37

If it wasn't for the fact my DS now has a sporting event id have probably just pushed through and done it in the hope I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and it avoids any awkwardness. It's the fact I don't really want to go AND I'm missing out on doing something I do want to do. However, I've already said I'm available and it's booked and I think I'd be unreasonable to back out now. Maybe I just have to suck it up on this occasion and do better at saying no as soon as I'm asked in the future.

Stop backpedaling!! You have somewhere else you need to be, just tell them things have changed and you can no longer make it. It's fine not to go.

SummerInSun · 06/01/2025 16:47

lola006 · 06/01/2025 16:22

Is DS’s event the same weekend as the birthday weekend? I just can’t imagine anyone being pissed off that a parent would want to chose their child’s big event over a weekend getaway, especially with a fair amount of notice (you say it’s later this year so I assume sometime from spring onward?).

Just message her privately and say you’re so sorry but DS’s has qualified for a big event and you really need to be there to support and cheer him on.

This. Any real friend would expect you to put your child's event first. If doing so ends the friendship, that tells you everything you need to know about the quality of the friendship.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 06/01/2025 16:49

I think you need to invest in friendships as much as anything else and sometimes this involves making the effort if you are tired or stressed. That said family comes first and you have a clash so it's easy to say you can't go this time. I do think however when telling them this you should organise something else, meet for coffee or a walk or even just a proper chat by phone. If you genuinely don't want to do even this, then that tells you you are not invested enough in them and it's time to let them go as friends. This is fair enough but make sure its what you really want, it's a two way street and they will probably be hurt by this and may not want anything to do with you if you are suddenly feeling more sociable next year.

pikkumyy77 · 06/01/2025 16:50

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:24

I must add that none of them are bad people. Nobody has done anything outrageous or awful.

Its ok to say no to an event! It doesn’t mean “the relationship is over” and it doesn’t mean they are abd people who you are rejecting—or that you are a bad person because you didn’t enjoy some previous event.

One of the reasons you feel you suffer from being a people pleaser is you overvalue the significance of both your yes and your no. Sometimes we say no! Its not the end of the world. Sometimes we say tes—its not a grand accolade.

Just choose what works for you. Those who matter won’t mind, those who mind don’t matter.

Whatabouthow · 06/01/2025 16:58

If you've already agreed it's shitty to back out. Go this time and then say no at the start for future invitations.

Adamante · 06/01/2025 17:00

I don't do one single thing I don't want to unless it's something for my children which they need or want to attend. No way would I go to this event. Sounds like hell.

Sazzerss · 06/01/2025 17:03

itsgettingweird · 06/01/2025 16:24

Your ds has got into a sporting event. Your family come first.

Just say it's come up and you can't go anymore. If they need payment and you'd committed and the price is based on that then yes pay - but don't go if you don't want to.

Absolutely this.

Your sons big sporting event comes first.

hamsandyams · 06/01/2025 17:10

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:17

I was expecting an absolute roasting so the first few replies have given me food for thought. Yes I'd still pay for my place - it's not the cost that's an issue, it's just that I really don't want to go. I do struggle with being a people pleaser and should have just made a suitable excuse or said no as soon as I was invited.

With the greatest of respect, you’re not the main character in their lives and I suspect for the most part they don’t actually care they much whether you turn up or not - in so far as it will have a minimal impact on their enjoyment of the weekend. They might, as you say, not want to continue a friendship on those terms, but you don’t want to continue a friendship on current terms so that shouldn’t be too big of a deal.

If I were you I’d say that DS’ sporting event date has been confirmed and it clashes so you can no longer make it, that you hope they have a good time and you will still pay your share. I’d have no issue with one of my friend saying that.

Caveat: I am not a people pleaser.

Onlycoffee · 06/01/2025 17:13

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:37

If it wasn't for the fact my DS now has a sporting event id have probably just pushed through and done it in the hope I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and it avoids any awkwardness. It's the fact I don't really want to go AND I'm missing out on doing something I do want to do. However, I've already said I'm available and it's booked and I think I'd be unreasonable to back out now. Maybe I just have to suck it up on this occasion and do better at saying no as soon as I'm asked in the future.

Whether you go or don't it sounds like there is going to be discomfort, so choose which discomfort you want - the discomfort of letting them down by bailing after it's been booked, or the discomfort of the whole weekend being there (which I'm reading as you trying to avoid the former discomfort)

People pleasing is attempting to avoid the discomfort of letting others down, so we choose to let ourselves down instead.

Original poster
ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 17:14

There's been a lot of food for thought in these comments and I'm so grateful to everyone for taking the time to reply. It's so helpful to have an outsiders perspective on it.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 06/01/2025 17:16

At the moment you think you will go but not enjoy it. Take a day or two imagining you are not going and see how you feel. Is it relief or are you drowning in guilt? If not going makes you feel guilty then accept that your presence brings something positive to the group. If you didn't know about your DS sporting event when the date was confirmed you have a valid reason for pulling out. If you don't care about continuing the friendships then it doesn't matter if they're disappointed. Don't believe you have to have a large number of friends to be happy.

It might depend on the size of the group, if there's only 3 of you then not going will make more difference than to a crowd of 13.

Msmoonpie · 06/01/2025 17:24

Personally I don’t think you should have accepted in the first place.

Which makes it trickier to back out - I think saying no initially would have been fine but now it does make you look bad.

Onlyvisiting · 06/01/2025 17:27

You have the perfect excuse, it is totally OK to prioritise supporting your DS at his event, no question.
If you make sure others aren't losing out cost wise and you still send a card/gift messages to the bday person you are totally fine imo.
Of course it's also OK to just not want to but that is much more difficult to explain, so saying no when you have an excellent reason is a good starter no for you 🤣

Namechange2272 · 06/01/2025 17:35

If an invite feels like a summons then I've started say no. Speaking as a former people pleaser!

PrincessHoneysuckle · 06/01/2025 17:36

Go this time but refuse any other invitations

jackstini · 06/01/2025 17:39

Usually I would say no - you've made the commitment (even though you didn't really want to!) so should honour it

However - you did not know about your DS qualifying for the event at the time, and you have said you are happy to pay for your place so no-one is out of pocket
In these specific circumstances I think you are fine to say 'apologies I won't be able to join you, but it's because my son has had fabulous surprise news and he will be competing XYZ. I will of course still cover the cost of my place and hope you all have a lovely time'

Then send her a nice birthday gift & enjoy the event supporting your son
I would have no problem at all with a friend who did this - people who flake for no reason - yes, but friends who are supporting their kids on a special occasion - no