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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to go? How far do you go to please other people?

61 replies

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:04

Hi everyone.

My new year's resolution was to say no to things I don't want to do, and stop being a people pleaser. But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, because it's the right thing to do, don't we?

I have a group of friends who I have known for the last 40 years. We rarely speak anymore, and are probably friends because we've been friends for so long, rather than having anything in common. Life seems to have got in the way and we've grown apart. However, we've always been to each others wedding, special birthdays, and made an effort for the big life events.

One of the group is having a big birthday later this year. She asked last year re our availability and we all confirmed, and she has booked a weekend away for us. The thing is, I really don't want to go. I'd rather be at home with my family. In the past when I've spent time with this group I've often come away feeling bad about myself in some way. In addition, my DS has now qualified for a big sporting event that we would have attended as a family. And I'd much rather go to that.

I know that if I don't go, the friendship will probably be over. I think I'm going because I don't want people to talk badly of me if I don't?

How do you know when you should say no to things you don't want to do, and when do you just push through and do them because you know you'd been unreasonable not to?

Yabu = your friend has always made an effort for you and you should return the favour
Yanbu = it's ok to back out and not do something you don't want to do

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 06/01/2025 17:40

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 16:37

If it wasn't for the fact my DS now has a sporting event id have probably just pushed through and done it in the hope I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and it avoids any awkwardness. It's the fact I don't really want to go AND I'm missing out on doing something I do want to do. However, I've already said I'm available and it's booked and I think I'd be unreasonable to back out now. Maybe I just have to suck it up on this occasion and do better at saying no as soon as I'm asked in the future.

Here's your people pleasing, OP - I can hear it right here! Don't lose your nerve!

And if you can learn to be OK with awkwardness you will have a super power that will serve you well for the rest of your life - if you live your life unable to tolerate awkwardness or other people's disappointment you will lose yourself completely.

Of course it's OK to give your apologies for this event! Given that you have another event that you truly want to go to, it's the perfect opportunity to practice saying no thank you and tolerating the thought that someone might be disappointed or annoyed with you. You can do it!

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 06/01/2025 17:41

Does it matter if they talk badly about you? Will that have any impact on your life?

Kitchenspade · 06/01/2025 17:42

Be proud of yourself op. This is the first steps for stopping people pleasing! Make an excuse and enjoy your family time. If they make you feel down and bad about yourself then they aren't the friends for you

Original poster
ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 17:43

Pamspeople · 06/01/2025 17:40

Here's your people pleasing, OP - I can hear it right here! Don't lose your nerve!

And if you can learn to be OK with awkwardness you will have a super power that will serve you well for the rest of your life - if you live your life unable to tolerate awkwardness or other people's disappointment you will lose yourself completely.

Of course it's OK to give your apologies for this event! Given that you have another event that you truly want to go to, it's the perfect opportunity to practice saying no thank you and tolerating the thought that someone might be disappointed or annoyed with you. You can do it!

Edited
Show quote history

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It's the idea of someone else being disappointed or annoyed with me that I can't manage.

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 06/01/2025 17:45

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 17:43

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It's the idea of someone else being disappointed or annoyed with me that I can't manage.

Show quote history

It's great to have that realisation because now it's something you can work on if you want to. It's so freeing to learn to be OK with others thinking badly of you, it can be life changing. It won't turn you into an evil selfish witch, I promise.

Lucytheloose · 06/01/2025 18:09

Friendships don't have to last a lifetime. Many come to a natural end because the friends no longer have very much in common. And we all have limited time, so there is a ceiling on the number of genuinely meaningful relationships anyone can have.

Yellowpingu · 06/01/2025 19:33

Serve them a shit sandwich. ‘I’m terribly sorry friend, I was looking forward to our get together (yes, you can fib if you want), however DS has now qualified for this major sporting event so I’m afraid I’ll have to cancel in order to attend with DS. Naturally, I’ll still pay for my share as it’s not fair to expect everyone else to cover my share.’

RealHousewivesOfTaunton · 06/01/2025 22:40

Yellowpingu · 06/01/2025 19:33

Serve them a shit sandwich. ‘I’m terribly sorry friend, I was looking forward to our get together (yes, you can fib if you want), however DS has now qualified for this major sporting event so I’m afraid I’ll have to cancel in order to attend with DS. Naturally, I’ll still pay for my share as it’s not fair to expect everyone else to cover my share.’

Agreed this is the perfect way of handling it.

category12 · 06/01/2025 22:54

ShelfyElfy25 · 06/01/2025 17:43

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It's the idea of someone else being disappointed or annoyed with me that I can't manage.

Show quote history

But you're OK with disappointing your son by not supporting him at his sports event?

You gotta re-think your priorities.

People you don't even like that much shouldn't be treated as more important than your son.

jackstini · 07/01/2025 08:49

ShelfyElfy25
I think you've hit the nail on the head here. It's the idea of someone else being disappointed or annoyed with me that I can't manage.

I totally get that - and this situation is forcing you to do that

You either disappoint your friend, or your son and yourself

There is no way out of it this time so look at us as a gift - you have not choice about the disappointment happening - just who gets it

Do it. First time is the hardest but it will get easier from now

fairycakes1234 · 07/01/2025 08:58

HoppityBun · 06/01/2025 16:24

I know that if I don't go, the friendship will probably be over.

So. Does that matter to you?
If so then go.
If not, then don’t go.

That is fantastic advice!!

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