To say 50/50 isn't ideal for many children?

[cadburyegg]

50/50 seems to be thought of as the best way to share children after a split but AIBU to think that this isn't always best for the children involved?

My children are with me approx 80% of the time and they love being "at home". They don't talk about their dads being another home, even though I do. I know they would hate having to move around every week and never having one base, they find it hard enough EOW.

So AIBU? Or if you have 50/50 are the kids happy with it?

This organisation is explicitly pro-Natalist and pro-marriage…

YANBU it kills me seeing how torn my DS is. But ex is legally entitled to it so I can't change it. He doesn't know if he's coming or going.
But we don't live close, ex was abusive so we don't talk, only through an app, and parenting at both homes is completely different. So it's a very hard situation for poor DS. I regret my choice in his fsther but what can I do.

Which does not inherently make them wrong on this topic.

No but they have a specific ideological agenda, so you have to question the objectivity of their claims.

Three of the four kids next door to me are back and forth from the mum's. It's not one week alternating with mum and dad. They are there for two nights then back at their Dad's or something along those lines. I can't really keep up. It just looks very confusing and stressful.

I think it very much depends on the parents and the kids. If the parents can have a cohesive approach and there isn’t conflict I don’t see why 50/50 can’t work.

I’d be more concerned about the state of the co-parenting itself, there are far too many divorced people that attempt to use the kids as weapons or are derogatory about the other parent in front them to undermine their opinion of their father / mother, which is just awful.

My arrangement isn’t 50/50 and I have my kids 80% of the time but that’s purely based on their father’s preference. Despite that though they have good solid relationships with their father and our co-parenting goes really well.

Oh your daughter using the internet is costing you extra? Surely this is something you would have anyway in the house as a single person.

medical and dental is free for children on the NHS.

dad also has to house the children regardless of how often the room at his is used. People here are always keen to not send kids with any clothes so he has to buy those too, even if they only get worn every other weekend for two days. And replaced when outgrown.

Why are gifts covered by maintenance?!? Dad will buy his gifts and mum buys hers.

And spend petrol on collecting and dropping off.

the only costs that the resident parent would pay and not the nonresident would be extra food, and clubs etc and school uniform maybe.

They do link to several independent studies though.
I have no bone in this fight but I think proper research should at least be considered as much than personal anecdotes.

Sure but you don’t know if those studies have been cherry picked or even properly represented. But I totally agree with you on research- I posted asking for some earlier. I also don’t have a fixed opinion on the subject

I would have hated it.
I loved my dad but he would have been a crap everyday parent.

Hair cuts, toiletries including sanitary towels, mobile phone, trainers, social clothes, hobbies, petrol or taxi to get her to work, 6 form supplies including residentials, driving lessons, dinner money…

I’d be sad for me but if that’s the way it had to be, I honestly think id prefer it to 50/50. I don’t think my kids would manage 50/50 but also I am/was the default or main parent. If he’d been more involved then I’d find that scenario easier.

Oh your daughter using the internet is costing you extra? Surely this is something you would have anyway in the house as a single person.
medical and dental is free for children on the NHS.
dad also has to house the children regardless of how often the room at his is used. People here are always keen to not send kids with any clothes so he has to buy those too, even if they only get worn every other weekend for two days. And replaced when outgrown.
Why are gifts covered by maintenance?!? Dad will buy his gifts and mum buys hers.
And spend petrol on collecting and dropping off.
the only costs that the resident parent would pay and not the nonresident would be extra food, and clubs etc and school uniform maybe.

@Woodstocks i agree with you, but many won’t. Numerous posters think maintenance should cover the entire cost of raising a child

I'd say that most of that, except toiletries, are optional extras though. If your ex doesn't see your DD at all and is paying £250pm, he's on a salary of £25k a year so a whisker over minimum wage, so a child growing up with 2 parents on £25k each probably can't expect a taxi to get them to work, fancy trainers, or driving lessons paid for them- they'd have to save up out of their wages and ask for them as Christmas/birthday gifts. I can see we have different opinions about what's necessary for a child to have and what is just nice to have IF you're lucky enough to have parents who are well off enough.

My son asked for it. He hated moving stuff mid week for one night, then not seeing his dad for 10 days until the EOW
He much prefers having a proper bedroom and stuff at both homes, and just swapping once a week

He is so much happier, your experience is not everyone's, I didn't want 50/50, my child chose

A hair cut as an optional extra? I disagree that those things are optional, most of them are pretty normal for teens. Most teens have a mobile phone and hobbies.
I’m a high rate tax payer so yes I do cover it and no he earns more than 25k he just doesn’t declare it all. But my original point was that 50/50 would be cheaper to me and you derailed it in to children not costing that much BUT my point was it was a fairer way to split costs.

I have a very traditional set-up. My place is the kids' primary residence and they go to their father's every other weekend, plus twice weekly for dinner.
It was his choice.
Now that they are older teens, they don't go to his as much.
I mean, it worked for us. I guess it entailed much less to-ing and fro-ing for them, especially when they were young.
I personally couldn't imagine them living between two homes. It must be fairly unsettling, but then we're all just doing our best in trying circumstances, so who am I to judge someone else's way of working it.

I think parents need to think about 50 percent if their time in one place and 50 percent in another before they expect their child to do the same. I think it should be avoided if possible.

Money! We looked into it and couldn't make it work

Exactly. This is one of the biggest reasons I hear against nesting. The parents not wanting to trek back and forth and yet they expect their kids to.

Growing up DD's close friend lived a 50/50 split between two homes. She had done it since being very small and truly saw both places as being her home, and had close equal relationships with both parents, and their partners.

Both parents were also really good at communicating between themselves, and formed a united front when dealing with their child. The step parents were also involved and clearly loved her too.

It seemed like a really good example of proper shared care and coparenting.

I think EOW can be far more unsettling for lots of children.
1 or 2 nights isn't very long for getting settled or making yourself at home. They probably often feel a bit like a visiting guest rather than a child with their parent at times,

I’d have thought the biggest reason would be that your still tied to an ex if your sharing housing. The vast majority of people will just want a clean break , especially financially.

I agree, it’s a long time to go without seeing your other parent as well.

I feel like that's never really going to be an outcome though, if there's no abuse and both parents are really focused on the children's needs they're likely to just stay together "separated" for their childhood, the only reason to really move out is if one parent wants to date again, or they get on so badly that they can't stand being in the same house in which case nesting wouldn't really work.