AIBU to be annoyed by this comment from my MIL-to-be?

[Bixy14]

My OH and I got engaged in November and have now set a date for the wedding very soon. For context we’ve been together over 10 years and see both sets of our parents at least once/twice a month so feel we know each others families well.

Anyway at Christmas we spent the evening with his parents, older sister and sisters partner and MIL gave us gifts which included a bag of goodies/sweets. I started digging in (in appreciation!) and she snatched them off me and said ‘oops I forgot you’ll be a bride now!’

I was a bit in shock and didn’t really know what to say so I just laughed and OH’s sister said ‘Erm she can eat what she likes!’

I’m not an overweight person (not that I think this would be acceptable if I was!) and I’m sure she meant it as a joke, but I keep reliving the comment in my mind and getting really annoyed about it! I go between ‘what a strange thing to say’ and ‘how dare she!!?’

I’m very anti-diet culture and think as long as you are happy and comfortable no one should care what anyone’s bodies look like. I don’t plan on doing any crazy dieting or trying to change myself before the wedding as I just don’t believe it’s necessary, I am who I am and I look like what I look like! I would hate this kind of messaging to be passed down to any future children I may have.

I must know, AIBU to be annoyed about this?

Thank you I think this is good advice and glad SIL had my back here

....because many people do.
Areyou deliberately not reading previous replies?

My dm and dmil (both 70s) have this weird guilt thing about food, weight and diets. The theory is that its passed down from their mother's, who were raised during WW2 rationing - the men get the big / best portions, that sort of thing. It's ridiculous, insulting and infuriating to younger women, but I find it best to inwardly roll my eyes and ignore when they start.

OP hasn't said anything which remotely suggests this is the case with her partner's family. My OH and DH always get larger portions than me, mainly because they have larger appetites.

Without being there to hear her tone of voice and see her facial expression, we've no idea how she meant the comment to come over, and whether it was a joke or serious or in between.

But whatever, don't dwell on it. It's a nothing in the scheme of things and not worth having an effect on your relationship with her.

Jesus. What's the matter with you?

Thanks everyone, I think as most say this was just a bad joke and I’ll not dwell on it too much. Some have suggested it’s generational which I think is probably also true!

Yup. She's made a stupid comment. She's human. If that's as bad as she get, roll your eyes and brush it off.

Plus she gives you sweets.

Sounds like my MIL. Start out with a smile and a polite 'thanks but I think I'm fine'. If she carries on, a firmer word needs to be had. Some older women are just so embedded in sexist notions, they don't realise they're hurting other women, not helping them. My MIL sometimes shocks me with how bitchy she can be about women's appearance, weight and housework standards, as if these are the true markers of womanhood and that they need to be helped to aspire to 'higher standards'. It's depressing.

I reckon she's been thinking of a way to tell you to lose weight for the wedding and she came up with this idea.

Did she give you the sweets back?

She gave you the sweets and a present, she doesn’t sound that bad! Maybe she was making a joke that came out wrong. I’d give her the benefit of doubt.

This!

Yes I know, my comment was getting at the theories behind the whole toxic generational food and diet guilt thing that's often behind comments like OP's MIL's.

🙄

For some women, there’s just an assumption that no woman is ever happy with her weight, and that everyone is on a permanent diet, especially in the pre-wedding months. I get that it’s monumentally irritating if they’re tactless enough to say this.

I vaguely remember a neighbour when I was a teenager announcing who her bridesmaids were going to be at her engagement party by (get this) solemnly handing them pamphlets for some Weightwatchers type weight-loss programme (was there one called Unislim?) And it wasn’t a joke! They all joined with her and dieted before the initial dress fittings — one of them was my cousin! I didn’t know the others, but my cousin and the bride were, I would have said, on the slim side of normal for the eighties.

And my own mother once spent a big meal out with friends of my PILs patting her stomach and making jokes to her neighbour at the table about how they were going to have to ‘be strong’ and not have dessert despite the fact that the woman was a triathlete in training who had literally just been talking about the vast number of calories she needed daily…

What fresh hell is this?
Why can't she eat them straight away!?

Make sure you are eating shit every time you see her between now and the wedding

Diet culture is bullshit and diet culture around brides is double bullshit.

I remember some dickhead at work calling me "naughty" a week before my wedding when I had fish and chips from the work canteen for lunch. I wasn't being naughty, I was having my fucking dinner (and besides, I was a 28 year old woman, not a child!)

I told her to fuck off and I think that your MIL is very lucky that you didn't do the same to her.

Eat what you like, when you like. You're a grown woman.

I am

Many people doing something is not a reason to assume OP is also doing the thing

You clearly aren't.
Let's leave it there.
Happy whatever 'going back to some sense of normality in January' is called.

She said something a bit silly, as a one off its not a big deal.
I always try and treat people the same way I would like to be treated if I make a mistake or do something silly, as a pp pointed out your mil is human like the rest of us. We all slip up sometimes.

Did she give you them back? It's the sort of thing my mum would say being from a generation where thin was the aim (as opposed to healthy)

I'd leave it this time. But maybe have a response ready in case it happens again

I'd write it off as a joke or generational hang over if you generally get on. I'd gently say something if she says it again though. Sounds like sil has your back.

I had a 2 year engagement and my mum straight up told me once we'd set a date (which was at that point 21 months away) that she expected me to lose at least 2 stone in that time. My work life balance at the time was crap and I struggled to change it, so knowing she feltvl that way did not enhance the bridal experience. I didn't particularly like how I looked figure wise but no one fainted or screamed or made me feel like king kong during the short aisle walk and the 30 minutes they were sadly forced to look at fat old me.

Love this and love the "fuck off" 😂 naughty indeed.

You're very anti diet culture, your MiL, like countless other women, clearly isn't, and so will no doubt continue to behave as though women want to be slim, especially for their weddings and need to watch their diets to achieve that. You won't change her attitude, like I say, it's hardly unique, many if not most, women share it to some extent; and you must have encountered it before. I'm sure you don't dwell on it everytime a woman reveals themselves to be of this way of thinking. Just continue with your own ways, be happy you're not constrained by this way of thinking yourself, and either challenge or ignore any comments directed to you, like you would with anyone else.