to think having friends is not worth the hassle

[somethingfifty]

I am now in my mid fifties and increasingly question whether it's worth bothering with friendships. I don't know if it's because 50 something women generally won't put up with any kind of crap any more and/or are naturally more grumpy, irritable and less tolerant. What has happened is that either I find my friend incredibly irritating, or they find me incredibly irritating and I feel irritated that they feel irritated. I am very happy having fun, polite, superficial conversations with people I go to hobbies with but I find if anything deeper is expected then you just get into the quagmire of people's awful personalities (mine included).

I just went to coffee with one of the few friends/frenemies I still have who I have known for about 45 years. She got very annoyed with me when I asked her about her job, how it was going looking after her family etc. I was trying to be sympathetic and interested as she said she was having a difficult time but it just seemed to drive her mad and she got very irritable with me. I had to use all the patience I could muster not to tell her to go fuck herself. I have another old school friend I used to meet up with who I used to kind of hero worship but who I now realise is unbelievably controlling and bossy and I just can't stand being around her. If I get to know new people it usually turns out on getting to know them they have done something revolting like having an affair with a married man/believe some insane theory from the internet or whatever and I just generally find people so flawed that it is very hard to like them. When I reflect on my own personality, I too seem to be a very difficult human being and I can see why people would get frustrated with me.

It just seems that with the cynicism of age there is nobody who is likeable enough out there to actually bother having a proper friendship with and that any possible/previous friends probably think the same about me. Happy Days 😁

I think you need some new friends.
Friends we grew up with (largely friends by circumstance) are often very different to friends we would choose as an adult.

I believe that having friends is worth the hassle of them not being perfect.

Sounds like you got some shit friends tbh. Having said that, gems worth keeping are few and far between.

I love the friends I have but that does include accepting lots of differences. I wouldn't necessarily spend more than a week with them, but an hour or two should be OK!

I'm definitely grumpier than I was (am 55 now) but still have great laughs with friends. What activities cheer you up, would that help? Like if you were both walking or swimming would you enjoy yourself more?

It all sounds dire🤣. I don't have the answer, cos I have no friends where I live. I do know, however, that I couldn't be bothered with anything deep & meaningful friendship wise. My good friend lives in a different country, so we barely see each other. We email and send cards, and love seeing her, when we do.

I wouldn't mind having a friend to go for a coffee with occasionally, but keep conversations lighthearted. I couldn't be bothered getting into the nitty-gritty of things.

If they're like this all the time then you need new friends. You need to weigh up whether the benefit of having these friends outweighs the irritation. With the first friend I'd be tempted to say something next time she's like this even if it's "is everything okay?" or be more direct if you feel otherwise just let them go. Do you have any local groups you could go to so you can make more friends?

It's taken me quite a long time to get to grips with friendships and it's only now that I feel I'm getting there. Think it's a combination of putting boundaries in pace and accepting people for who they are.

People may be picking up on the energy that you are 'irritated' perhaps?

I do think social media and constant Comms can keep friendships alive that may have naturally waned not so long ago.

I don't have a lot of friends because I'm too tired all the time and can't meet up often. The few friends I have are really sweet though. My time is precious and I can accept different personality types and supporting friends going through hardships but not nastiness. I already have got a teenager at home and have no patience with full grown women behaving like them.

I'm abut 50 and I'm finding that people who are about 80 are often very easy to get on with. Maybe it's a phase, albeit quite a long one.

And wait until they start dying on you, as one has just done to me, then you'll really be annoyed.
Sorry to be flippant. I am actually heartbroken. BUT I do get you. I dropped an old friend last year for being a total dick to me. Everyone annoys me on some level or another and I have my limits.

It sounds like you and your friends are at the grumpy menopausal life stage. I get what you mean though totally, it's sometimes lovely to just know people superficially and not know their deep dark secrets.

tbh I agree a bit. I used to be a shocking doormat and now that I can have gathered up a tiny bit of self-respect, I do realise that it's easier to stand quite far apart with people, a bit like horses in a field.

I do like working together on projects with people though, when we have a clear goal. But even there, the scope for conflict is massive.

I'm younger than you so maybe things will change but I adore my friends, I couldn't be without them. They are a really important part of my life along with my family, my partner and my children.

It's my job I can't be arsed with tbh.

I wonder if something is going on with you and the irritability is a symptom? Health wise, or psychological? Everyone is irritating sometimes but to suddenly find everyone you've liked for decades irritating is a bit unusual. Or maybe (contradicting that) you just need to make some new friends who fit better where you are now in life.

Having friends does make you life longer with better mental health, according to epidemiology researchers. It doesn't have to be best friends but some kid of community of people you see regularly is a good thing to maintain. Maybe volunteering or a local group?

I've gone off people. Like you, I find having a deep connection with someone impossible. I've put it down to menopause but who knows?

I totally get it, I am quite introverted and could easily not bother with friendships but know that ultimately I would end up isolated and lonely.

Unlike a lot of people I like office small talk. It gives me the human interaction I need without all the heaviness. I really struggle to show interest in people’s dramas and prefer surface conversations. I also love focused interactions like book groups.

To try and be normal I meet up with a few mum friends regularly for a coffee. I like the women but always come back stressed. There is too much moaning about useless husbands and too many invasive questions, it’s exhausting!

I have a few good friends from childhood who I see infrequently but always love to see. I think it’s because we know each other so well there is nothing to prove.

I have had a few friends die recently which was a big wake up call. It’s made me determined to appreciate people for who they are and not get irritated.

My friends are amazing, couldn’t get through life without them. Currently helping a very close friend through a terminal cancer diagnosis and thank god she’s got good friends to sustain her through tough times. Being a good friend and having good friends is one of the most important things to me. This particular friend sounds very difficult though, but no, not all 50 something women are like this at all.

Hi op glad of a few good friends here but know what you mean. Some people are hard work. I think at our age we dont take crap. I def find I dont have energy some weeks for catchups.

I have gone off hypochondriacs and flakes. Doesn't leave many others!

I dont mind deep discussions. But I have lost patience with having the same discussion over and over. I find a lot of friends like to moan but dont want to do anything about their situation. Like moaning about weight gain but continuing to eat chocolate everyday and do no exercise at all.

All that said, they are still worth it to me.
Your friend sounds very odd.

I agree with you OP, I'm similarly in the "can't be arsed" boat. In my case it's because I literally just bought a house after eons of renting and I've discovered I have 1526 different hobbies that I just can't wait to get stuck in with after work every day, so I can't be arsed socialising as it's taking me away from my hobbies 😂🤣 But even before that, I just could not be arsed too much. Superficial coffees are fine like you say, but deeper shit put me off. Sounds like I'm younger than you but in the same boat. Maybe you just happen to like your own company and that's fine ☺️

I am annoyed by most of my friends in one way or another. But the beautiful thing is that this is temporary and context-specific. When the shit hits the fan, we are there for each other. That's what matters not the extramarital affairs or conspiracy theories they subscribe to.

Thank you very much everyone for your replies and advice/questions. Much appreciated!

I cherish my friends - ones I have known for many years, and new ones I meet along the way. I have had great support from them - and hope I have given support in return. Obviously we don't always agree, but when we need each other, we are there.

I do sort of get it, my friends now are not the same as being a teenager and having a gang that you love and can talk into the night with about anything and it's all super interesting and fun.

However I do think that ultimately it is worth it. I always feel better meeting up with friends than spending too long alone. Plus things like special occasions, parties, people to go to things with etc.

I agree it can be an age thing. Not putting up with the shtt like we used to.
I have recently re-located back to UK after 20 years abroad. My good friends of 30+ years standing are still good friends. Others I have taken a step back from as I realised they were based on shaky ground. I have had to lower the bar in my new town re level of intellect and depth but I am slowly adjusting as I need human interaction from time to time. I hope to find a few along the way that are more than that, but I am being really picky as I don't have the interest in others family dramas...