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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think having friends is not worth the hassle

61 replies

somethingfifty · 05/01/2025 14:32

I am now in my mid fifties and increasingly question whether it's worth bothering with friendships. I don't know if it's because 50 something women generally won't put up with any kind of crap any more and/or are naturally more grumpy, irritable and less tolerant. What has happened is that either I find my friend incredibly irritating, or they find me incredibly irritating and I feel irritated that they feel irritated. I am very happy having fun, polite, superficial conversations with people I go to hobbies with but I find if anything deeper is expected then you just get into the quagmire of people's awful personalities (mine included).

I just went to coffee with one of the few friends/frenemies I still have who I have known for about 45 years. She got very annoyed with me when I asked her about her job, how it was going looking after her family etc. I was trying to be sympathetic and interested as she said she was having a difficult time but it just seemed to drive her mad and she got very irritable with me. I had to use all the patience I could muster not to tell her to go fuck herself. I have another old school friend I used to meet up with who I used to kind of hero worship but who I now realise is unbelievably controlling and bossy and I just can't stand being around her. If I get to know new people it usually turns out on getting to know them they have done something revolting like having an affair with a married man/believe some insane theory from the internet or whatever and I just generally find people so flawed that it is very hard to like them. When I reflect on my own personality, I too seem to be a very difficult human being and I can see why people would get frustrated with me.

It just seems that with the cynicism of age there is nobody who is likeable enough out there to actually bother having a proper friendship with and that any possible/previous friends probably think the same about me. Happy Days 😁

OP posts:

SunnyHappyPeople · 08/01/2025 22:37

SarahJane03 · 08/01/2025 05:52

I agree it can be an age thing. Not putting up with the shtt like we used to.
I have recently re-located back to UK after 20 years abroad. My good friends of 30+ years standing are still good friends. Others I have taken a step back from as I realised they were based on shaky ground. I have had to lower the bar in my new town re level of intellect and depth but I am slowly adjusting as I need human interaction from time to time. I hope to find a few along the way that are more than that, but I am being really picky as I don't have the interest in others family dramas...

I have had to lower the bar in my new town re level of intellect and depth but I am slowly adjusting as I need human interaction from time to time.

This made me laugh so much! 😂

NattyTurtle59 · 09/01/2025 00:50

CollectedStories · 08/01/2025 10:52

Yes, I think this is fair. I'm 52 and my friendships, many of them longterm, are important to me, as well as fun, sustaining and generally entirely 'hassle'-free. My life would absolutely be poorer without them.

I think you sound bad-tempered and irritable, OP. In your shoes I'd be asking myself what on earth was causing this short fuse?

I don't buy for a moment that menopause somehow causes the scales to fall from your eyes -- I think this is a Mn myth aimed at justifying misanthrope, like the Mn misunderstanding of 'introversion'.

Obviously, don't have friendships if you don't want them, OP, but I don't think you should make it be about some kind of general philosophical framework, just about you and why it is you seem to have surrounded yourself with people you neither like nor respect.

Show quote history

I agree. I am no more, or less, intolerant, grumpy, or irritable than I've ever been and don't recognise the MN trope about "having no fucks to give" once you get to menopause.

Frankly OP you sound rather difficult.

cardibach · 09/01/2025 00:53

coralsky · 05/01/2025 14:35

I think you need some new friends.
Friends we grew up with (largely friends by circumstance) are often very different to friends we would choose as an adult.

I’m. A big fan of my friends from childhood as well though. Ones that have lasted until now (I’m 60) tend to have a very realistic view of me…and are able to express it honestly.
I couldn’t be without my friends @somethingfifty

ElizaMulvil · 09/01/2025 01:17

I think it's more a question of realising you don't often know what is going on in people's lives and may be they are contending with all sorts of despair, disappointment, Ill health that they can't express. We are play things of the Gods. Just treat everyone with sympathy and understanding. We all have to face the horror of death.

Compash · 10/01/2025 10:03

SarahJane03 · 08/01/2025 05:52

I hear you. 🙂

Dweetfidilove · 10/01/2025 10:07

They say GOOD friends are better than pocket money. Find better friends/be a better friend.

PeachyKeane · 10/01/2025 10:14

Wildwalksinjanuary · 08/01/2025 09:02

I am the same age as you, and whilst I agree we put up with a lot less, I have found my friends have really added so much richness to my life. I wouldn’t be without them. We are baldly honest. Can’t be bothered with social niceties. I find it a refreshing change. No one pretends to be perfect or to have it all worked out, everything has been stripped back so what is left is pretty authentic.

You are fortunate not to have had serious health concerns - when that happens you are glad for those very same souls and for the life you have left.

We are planning adventures and all sorts of fun plans, and the excitement of this gives me a sense of renewal rather than boredom.

Snap out of it, give yourself a good talking to - you have become far too indulgent. Have some empathy for the people around you. Or don’t bother, get some cats and give up on going out with a bang unless you are doing so solo!

This is me.

I have friends i have known from school, university, motherhood and one amazing woman I only met a year ago but adore.

All of them have their flaws of course because they are fully rounded human beings. But I love each and every one of them and they add so much fun, support and love to my life. All in different ways.

ViciousCurrentBun · 10/01/2025 10:19

@PeachyKeane I could have written your exact post, though I will add work to the list. Even down to a newer friendship, though almost 2 years. That is a rare beast to find. We have that sort of easy time together usually reserved for very long standing friendships.

PeachyKeane · 10/01/2025 10:24

@ViciousCurrentBun oh yes, work as well. I absolutely love finding that connection with people. It's what makes life worth living for me certainly.

CrayonCritic5 · 11/01/2025 15:43

These individual friendships aren’t bringing you anything and you don’t seem to like the people that much? If you could take it or leave it. It can be a lot or fun to be part of a group. At any age - e.g. some of the funniest and loveliest people I know are a group in their 60s who regularly enjoy going to live music events in the local pubs. Maybe a mixed gender group. I think you need to find the fun in socialising again. Maybe then some authentic friendships will develop from there.

Mary46 · 11/01/2025 16:28

People so frazzled and busy now. But gets disheartening. I asked my friend for coffee other evening she texted just back from walk. Thats fine but find nobody follows up dates to meet. So you can see how it fizzles out.

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