to think having friends is not worth the hassle

[somethingfifty]

I am now in my mid fifties and increasingly question whether it's worth bothering with friendships. I don't know if it's because 50 something women generally won't put up with any kind of crap any more and/or are naturally more grumpy, irritable and less tolerant. What has happened is that either I find my friend incredibly irritating, or they find me incredibly irritating and I feel irritated that they feel irritated. I am very happy having fun, polite, superficial conversations with people I go to hobbies with but I find if anything deeper is expected then you just get into the quagmire of people's awful personalities (mine included).

I just went to coffee with one of the few friends/frenemies I still have who I have known for about 45 years. She got very annoyed with me when I asked her about her job, how it was going looking after her family etc. I was trying to be sympathetic and interested as she said she was having a difficult time but it just seemed to drive her mad and she got very irritable with me. I had to use all the patience I could muster not to tell her to go fuck herself. I have another old school friend I used to meet up with who I used to kind of hero worship but who I now realise is unbelievably controlling and bossy and I just can't stand being around her. If I get to know new people it usually turns out on getting to know them they have done something revolting like having an affair with a married man/believe some insane theory from the internet or whatever and I just generally find people so flawed that it is very hard to like them. When I reflect on my own personality, I too seem to be a very difficult human being and I can see why people would get frustrated with me.

It just seems that with the cynicism of age there is nobody who is likeable enough out there to actually bother having a proper friendship with and that any possible/previous friends probably think the same about me. Happy Days 😁

I suspect once you transition out of the grumpy phase of life (and it will pass!) you may feel a gradual resurgence of joy in your friendships.

I went through quite a long period of keeping up with friendships almost as a matter of politeness - mostly at a distance. There were never any fallings out or quarrels or even squabbles (quite enough of those in family life) and they felt very much like an optional extra. Lately my feelings on friendship have evolved.

Two things to consider: firstly pragmatism - you know what they say about how, in adversity, you find out who your friends are? That really is true.

Secondly, fun - another saying: the older you get, the more you need people around you who knew you when you were young. Don’t isolate yourself - there are an awful lot of years left.

I see your point. I often fantasise about finding the perfect friend so that keeps me bothering. In truth, I don't want much from friendship, I just want a laugh, basic loyalty and for them to be nice.

I've never found spending time with friends to be a "hassle" and I'm 65.

I'm 50, and all friendships are different. I only have one friendship, which I feel is a hassle (a woman I've been emotionally supporting for about 25 years). The rest are not a hassle at all. I enjoy seeing my friends. We have fun, we laugh, we support each other when we go through tough times.

I would make friends from hobbies, it is hard to have friends from years ago but it can be good because they know you well.

I'm a similar age and recognise what you say about giving less fucks as you get older, which I see as a broadly positive thing.

However I still have good relationships with my friends, but the people I see regularly are people I met in my 30s/40s rather than people I have known since childhood.

I get you OP. I’m also getting more set in my way and CBA with friendships in my 50s

You're not wrong op. I feel the same. I find others irritating and am sure I must be irritating too. I'm also in my 50s.

It's nice reading posts about accepting differences and quirks. I'm not good at boundaries or accepting my and other people's quirks. Wish I was more easy going and boundaried. The last good friend I had started getting more and more interested in hanging our with my dh and made some rude comments to me about me. She also tried hard to get my dh to help her with extensive DIY as she is too stingy to pay a builder and her own dh doesn't move a finger.

I hear you re the grumpy thing. I’m post menopausal by 5 years and I do not suffer fools. The trouble is the less intolerant you allow yourself to be the worse it gets. I’ve realised I have to rein it in. People need people and if we met ourselves fester we will become very lovely and lonely people do not fair well. I had a big grumpy tantrum and let a friend go a few years ago. I realise now it was an awful thing to do. I am contemplating apologising. So what that she wasn’t perfect. I’m definitely not. I have to learn to put up with people’s foibles.
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I have made some new friendships but I’ve realised unless we can talk about more than just surface level stuff I’m not interested. I need some intelligent wisdom, spice and flair. I can put up with their grumpiness if they bring that to my life and hopefully vice versa. Like you I think I need new friendships and am trying.

I'm in my 50s and I think for me it's been an element of my free time being very precious to me. Coupled with a feeling that I just can't take on other peoples problems anymore.

I've struggled with my MH over the years and a part of that was wanting to always "be there" for other people. It took lockdown to make me realise just how much it had drained me. I also suffered a significant trauma a couple of years prior to that and no one was really there for me. I think that was the start of me drifting away from people that I thought were friends.

I've finally reached a place in my life where I'm calm, happy and stable. But I need to be quite selfish to maintain that. When I did have friends they weren't really there for me when I needed them anyway, so I don't concern myself with how I would feel if something bad happened and no one was around.

If I change my mind in future I can join stuff and make friends that way. I'm what I think they call an extrovert introvert. In that I can be quite lively in company, but like my alone time! So I feel confident I could make friends if I wanted to.

I am the same age as you, and whilst I agree we put up with a lot less, I have found my friends have really added so much richness to my life. I wouldn’t be without them. We are baldly honest. Can’t be bothered with social niceties. I find it a refreshing change. No one pretends to be perfect or to have it all worked out, everything has been stripped back so what is left is pretty authentic.

You are fortunate not to have had serious health concerns - when that happens you are glad for those very same souls and for the life you have left.

We are planning adventures and all sorts of fun plans, and the excitement of this gives me a sense of renewal rather than boredom.

Snap out of it, give yourself a good talking to - you have become far too indulgent. Have some empathy for the people around you. Or don’t bother, get some cats and give up on going out with a bang unless you are doing so solo!

I love my friends and my life wouldn't be what it is without them. Their support, kindness, honesty, occasional kicks up the arse, coffee/wine dates, laughs, have meant everything to me.

What I would say though, is that if I were 'grumpy, irritable, intolerant' -- I wouldn't expect people to want to be my friend nor would I want a friend who is (always) like that. We all have our moments, but not all the time.

It's a Mumsnet vibe that you should be able to be an antagonistic, uncompromising grump and yet deserve affection and understanding from your partner/friends/colleagues. No thx.

I don't relate at all tbh although I am 50. I don't find my friends irritating at all.

I do sometimes find my teens and my DH irritating though! :-)

I am really glad of my four or five really close friends with whom I can share what is going on with me, my family, my life, my worries, my plans and ambitions, and also hear what is going on with them, both good and bad.

I like meeting up one to one and having a good old heart to heart with each of them.

One of them is my oldest friend from school, we were 11 years old when we met. It is so nice to have a friend from so far back, who remembers school and what we were like then.

Yes, I think this is fair. I'm 52 and my friendships, many of them longterm, are important to me, as well as fun, sustaining and generally entirely 'hassle'-free. My life would absolutely be poorer without them.

I think you sound bad-tempered and irritable, OP. In your shoes I'd be asking myself what on earth was causing this short fuse?

I don't buy for a moment that menopause somehow causes the scales to fall from your eyes -- I think this is a Mn myth aimed at justifying misanthrope, like the Mn misunderstanding of 'introversion'.

Obviously, don't have friendships if you don't want them, OP, but I don't think you should make it be about some kind of general philosophical framework, just about you and why it is you seem to have surrounded yourself with people you neither like nor respect.

I really agree with this. We all have our difficult periods but constantly being grumpy? No.

My friends have literally saved my life.

I can somewhat relate to your feeling of irritation, and also to your feeling that we are all as bad as each other! And we are all working, busy, children, parents...nobody has loads of time, and then when you do make time there is pressure for everyone to be in good form. The interactions with local acquaintances are more frequent and low pressure, so yes they can be easier.

But at the risk of being trite I think some of it is menopause. It does affect mood, tolerance, and shit-giving, and with old friends they are generally the same age as you so we are all going through it together.

Editing to add: I wouldn't burn any bridges or bin any friends - we may all be less irritable in five years time .

I get it.

Here's the thing. People are messy. I don't mean living in a messy house, I mean that people are emotional mistake making eejits, or they're robotic carnage causing eejits, and everything in between. It's human nature and it's all about what sort of stuff you can tolerate.

We say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. We do stupid things if we are upset or angry. We do stupid things if we are happy and full of energy. We are jealous and covetous, or too carefree with our time etc. We want to be friends with people who match our ideals and behaviours without realising that we're all messy as fuck underneath. Some people want to try everything and end up addicted to something whereas some people try them and get away unscathed. We are riddled with trauma and some of us are not. How we handle that trauma dictates our lives. People who have everything they want are entitled when it comes to things they suddenly get told "no" for, whereas some who have everything feel empty and hollow because they've never had to scrimp and save for it.

These are generalisations yes, but we are all on a spectrum of mess somewhere along the line, and depending on where you are it means you might have a higher or lower tolerance for other people's mess.

I have a handful of longtime friendships that I've nurtured, and I cherish them very much, but I value my own time and space enough to set very solid boundaries that mean I don't let people fuck with my peace. This means I have a low tolerance for getting to know new people unless they understand this.

Totally agree with you op.

In lock down it was the superficial chat that I really missed, just a ten minute chat with a random at the school gate for example, always light hearted fun. Then when you find yourself stuck with that same person for half an hour face to face it's rarely as fun.

I do love deep conversations though, but ive discovered my favourite place to have these are with complete strangers who I deliberately will never see again. Say anything you like, there's no judgement. Deepest darkest secrets can be explored. I get this via solo holidays but in a group iyswim. Yoga retreats, hiking trips etc at least 4 hours travel away!

I'm a 50 something woman with same age friends and we manage to be assertive with out being offensive and know that taking no crap isn't a euphemism for dishing it out. Quite frankly if you've managed to reach middle age without knowing these things and/or learning how to control your impulse to be unpleasant to your friends, that's a personal character flaw and nothing to do with your age. Age is just an excuse and using it perpetuates negative stereotypes. If your friends don't make you feel good then you need different ones, whether you're 50 or 15.

My friends are my family (as in, they're the closest people to me - not that I don't have any friends outside my family!).

Part of what makes those friendships so special is that we talk about the relationship between us as much as we talk about life stuff – how good are we being at being friends right now, and how can we take better care of our friendship?

That means we've also gone through periods of universal grumpiness or irritability, and we've talked about it: "I'm getting so annoyed with literally everyone at the moment, including you! Do you feel that too? What do we do with this?!"

If it's happening, we both know it, and getting it out on the table allows us to laugh about it and have a good look at it, instead of pretending it's not happening and letting the friendship suffer as a result.

I know not everyone is up for those kinds of conversations, and if your friends aren't (or you aren't) then it's no good to anyone – but it might be worth a try.

Might even bring you all some relief?

Hard to disagree with any of that! But so many Mners struggle with friendships or human relationships in general that it's not surprising that 'I'm menopausal and this legitimates me loathing everyone' has emerged as a Mn strand alongside 'I run around after everyone, but no one ever puts in any effort back' and 'The school mums are mean and cliquey'.

For me it's a mix, if we become close then it is what it is, other people I like to be able to chat as and when possible but then have gaps between chats to catchup on the next set of conversations etc otherwise unless you need daily updates then sometimes weekly chats can give you the relevancy conversations

I’d rather be left alone now.

Hard when its one sided efforts. My circle quite small now. Meeting a friend tomorrow. Binned the must catch up soon ones lol. Ive given up suggesting dates and no replies to it.

I do think we become less tolerant of bad behaviour as we get older but there is also a tendency to slow fade / block those who we consider hard work rather than talk it through . We also recognise that friendships are vital as we age aswell particularly if you have little to no family . Once retired and without work colleagues you could go days / weeks without conversation and company without friends . I've worked out I'm not good with really intense friends eg those who call / text / turn up multiple times a day . I have a good couple of school friends who I probably see 6 times a year and I've cultivated a new group of friends locally that has already endured multiple dramas and fall outs .
It's not easy to navigate .