Pressure of looking after DM aibu

[OneWittySquid]

Here's some background I hope this helps.

My DM is 72 and DF is 78 who currently lives in a care home and is approaching end of life. I'm one of two, my dbro who is 49 and myself who is 37. I have a family 3 dc 16, 11 and 8 year ds who has autism. Myself and my dh both work dh 45 hours myself 25hours. My dm is growing increasingly resentful that I'm not doing enough for her. That I only visit once a week.

She effectively wants someone to go and take her shopping or go shopping for her and bring it all in. She has a car but some reduce mobility walking with a stick and stops and starts.She is able to go around the supermarket despite me telling her to order her shopping in and my ds will put it away on the day he visits her. This doesn't seem to be good enough she wants better dates on items and to pick them but is happy if I go and get them.

My dbro has 2 young dc but has split from his wife and doesn't have dc all the time he works 4 days and works 30 hours. He has picked her prescriptions up and dropped them off.

She's now getting resentful the house isn't tided or the pots haven't been done. She now wanting to be taken to appointments and isn't happy getting a taxi. I'm juggling work, school pick ups, meetings for ds sen and my dd extracurricular activities which competitions take place over weekends and training sessions not to meantion seeing my df liasing with the doctor about palliative care.

The problem is my dm is capable of doing these things in her house but isn't doing them. Her health is up and down she has a heart condition and diabetes but she is managed on medication. Her sister passed away unexpectedly this time last year. She was the person who would get my dm shopping, prescription and appointments but she was retired.
It's as if she expects myself and dbro to replace this role despite us both working and having families.

She is a horder which makes tidying her house hard work. Dbro and myself have been busy trying to empty to aunts flat to get it ready to sell but it's an uphill battle with my dm wanting to look at everything. On top of that we have yet to get aunts ashes to get buried with her parents and trying to get my dm to do the necessary papers is a nightmare.

Am I not doing enough? I don't know what she expects me to do but apparently she's at the bottom of my priorities

1. Decide for yourself where your boundaries will be. Don’t let your mum set them for you. You are skews doing losers whether she acknowledges this it not.
2. Everything your mum can do for herself, let her. Everything that she can pay for / access services elsewhere, help her set it up (cleaner, taxi, online shopping, medications can be delivered if her gp prescribes this).
3. come over to the Elderly Parents board on here for more advice.

*already doing loads

You are doing plenty, her social life isn't your job.

If she needs more assistance then she needs assessing and carers if she has the funds she can start paying for herself for the now.

How much did she do for her parents when you were young and did she work?

She sounds lonely and depressed but you don’t have any capacity to give her more than you currently do.

Can your DB visit more?
Would she accept a cleaner or carer? Age U.K. may be able to advise.
Would she benefit from a care needs assessment by SS? This can open doors to home helps etc and maybe other social groups she might attend.
Is the house too much for her? Maybe it’s time to consider sheltered housing?

She needs compassion but within boundaries. If you and your DB explain these options and look at her needs you may come to some agreement that works for now. When she insists that ‘only you will do’ just close it down and say that’s just not possible.

Sorry about your DF too. It’s a tough time of life.

My DM (84) has health that's gone downhill over the past 4yrs. She now has a care package in place twice a day, and a cleaner once a week, she does an online shop once a week and I go round to put that away. Both myself and DD drop in, and she rings when she needs anything extra on top.

It's finding the right balance as I work FT and DD has small DC. My mum would love us to "do more", but we have to set realistic boundaries and she has to go along with these compromises. It's basically if we do more, she asks for more 😅

Obviously I wouldn't leave her if it's something actually needed! But I draw the line at me doing a 10/12hr day, and then traipsing about because she's decided she immediately needs a stamp or a packet of mints.

TBH it is really bad for her at that age to be not doing these things for herself - there is no good reason why she should not - if she were 90 then it might be different. It sounds as though it is less about being incapable and more about being in need of company and seeing dependence as a way of achieving this. You can encourage her towards social outlets but I doubt she will listen.

There are lots of GPs who are helping with child care and school pick-ups at her age.

I think you must tell her what you can manage (or are prepared to do) and stick with that. Can you Whatsapp her and chat with her daily via that? - sending photos and keeping her in touch with what is going on could be helpful.

Your plate is full OP. In fact it’s pretty much overflowing so you cannot take on personal shopper and taxi roles in addition.
If she won’t drive her car to to supermarket why does she have a car? I’d suggest she sells it and put the money into her taxi fund.
Again if she can’t/won’t tidy her own house it sounds like time to downsize. She will probably be resistant to that as she’s a hoarder but you need to keep reinforcing the reality that you don’t have time to come and tidy it for her. Suggest she funds a cleaner if she can’t cope and insists on staying.
There are no easy answers as she sounds entitled but YANBU and obviously your children and husbands needs come first. She must be a pretty selfish individual not to get that and if she’s always been like this it must’ve been hard going over the years. Set a schedule, for instance you pop in twice a week for a quick cuppa and you ring her to check in another few times. Don’t be suckered into doing more.
With people like your Mum you have to be firm and just keep reiterating your boundaries. Good luck 🤞

This. She is 72 not 92.She has all day to pace herself and get things done. As you say she can order her shopping and have good quality ready meals if cooking is hard. If loneliness is a problem then she needs encouragement to join a social group. Age Uk may be able to give details of events in her area. The Age Uk in our area will also help hoarders with de cluttering if the client is willing to accept help, many aren't.

Your mum is way too young to be pulling this shit.

I am about your Mum's age, and have heart disease and musculo-skeletal problems.

This is what I do: run a choir, sing with a choral society, run an annual village arts festival, pick up GS from school once a week, help run a village hall, belong to poetry and music groups, paint and draw. When my limitations mean driving is painful, I take a taxi. I walk with a stick and have a marked limp, but that does not stop me.

There are things that are hard for me - e.g. finding holidays that I can manage - but I simply concentrate on the things I can do.

I do not list these things to blow my own trumpet, but to illustrate how limited your mother is choosing to make her life - it is not healthy. And I have a gang of friends with whom I help organise village events of all kinds (coffee morning, summer fun day etc.) - they are all of a similar age and live as I do. And I fully understand the scenario of a spouse in a nursing home - I have been there, although he since died.

You must be very frustrated indeed with your mum giving up on life in this way.

Sounds like she's capable of doing most things for herself but just wants the attention of everyone running around after her.
She needs to either do things herself or buy in help. Can she afford a cleaner? Although tbh, how much mess does one older lady living on her own make?

My MIL is in her late 90's, lives on her own, sorts out most of her own problems and mostly only needs help by way of lifts to medical appointments. She has a cleaner and she does her shopping on the Internet. Household maintenance is done by a local handyman. She is always reluctant to ask for unpaid help and does not expect her family to run around after her.
You need to set boundaries and let your DM know what you are prepared to do (which with work and DC commitments should be the bare minimum and emergencies only).

The elderly parent board will offer you lots of support and advice.
Would she be eligible for attendance allowance- non means tested. Get advice from age uk/ cab completing it. Non means tested.

My Mil is 80 and although my husband helps her out with taxes and some admin her late husband used to do she strolls out to the shops herself and get things delivered. We told her to get a cleaning lady once a week because she got pack pain but she doesn't want to. She regularly has ds2 over for the week-end, they go out to the movies etc.
Your mum is 72! She's taking the mickey, you need to put in boundaries, stick to them and certainly not feel guilty.

Your mother wants a maid at her beck and call. She lost her sister and just about to lose her life partner.

Her health problems aside she needs to be firmly told that she has to tackle the things herself.

Nobody’s able to clean the house of the hoarder without removing the stuff. This one is on her,so are her dishes.

Neither you,your DH or your DB (with your DS thrown in as well)are able to fullfill her demands to extent she expects you to. It might have been ok for her sister but she was retired unlike any of the remaining family.

She might be feeling lonely but learned helplessness and being deliberately difficult is not going to help anybody in long term.

She’s getting regular visits from the family and some things done for her out of your goodwill but you’ll be a mug to take on anymore.

Managing SEN child is not a bed of roses.

Time for a serious talk to her and how her life could be managed with external help. Tough like if she doesn’t like it.

Going slightly against what’s been said here… If your mum had been like this all her life and she’s had expectations of her children helping her in this way, then it doesn’t really matter how many other 72 year old are leading active and independent lives. She’s unlikely to change how she feels at this age so don’t expect her to.

but just because she feels this way, it doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. She doesn’t get to decide how you live your life just because she has certain ideas about how things ‘should’ be.

my FIL is 82, and he’s always relied on other people (usually women) to do everything for him domestically. He’s not going to change that belief now that he’s old and infirm. But it doesn’t mean that my SIL needs to drop everything and rush over to make him a cup of tea or heat up his lunch every time he calls. He’s going to have carers in 3 times a week, plus a cleaner, and he’s just going to have to get used to that. My SIL is not his housekeeper.

She sounds flippin' awful. Tell her to pull her finger out and get on with it herself, she's only 72 not 92. She's obviously guilt trained you from childhood up to do her stupid bidding. She can internet shop surely? What an old bat (sorry if you like her)

You're doing too much IMO.

Tell her to pay for carers. Your life is hard enough without all this!

And for god's sake don't bother showing your mum your aunty's stuff. It's ridiculous. Tell her to do one.

Thankyou for your replies. I do feel she relied heavily on my auntie who was only a year older. My dm has been a carer for my df for the last 9 years before he broke his hip and ended up in a care home. My dm is obese, has heart failure and insulin diabetes. Her mobility means she gets breathless and has to stop when she walks.

Ironically my auntie was similar health wise albeit she was alot more active would walk to the town do occasional school pick ups got her own shopping. She has been encouraged to go to exercise classes. But has been in hospital with problems with her blood thinners. She was in two days and I didn't see her as I had the kids despite dropping her off. I had invited her for new year but she was in hospital at the time.

She is only 72 so I can't picture giving this level of support on going for a long period of time. I have a family that is my first priority. She spends alot of the day asleep and nights awake. Alot of the daily tasks she is capable and should be doing. It's frustrating that she wants me or my poor dbro who does run around spending several hours shopping shopping then putting away. When she can have it delivered. She went shopping left it in the car and messaged me after I been to work to get her shopping out for her as she can't lift it.

We have spent hours at the flat and she can be very grumpy wanting to look at everything and then wanting to take stuff to fill her house up. The flat still isn't ready as its almost a year since my auntie passed away.

You need to put your foot down with tough love OP. Speak to your dbro and come up with a slot you can do each week. Tell your mum together that is all that can be offered moving forwards. She will have to revert to online shopping, and if funds allow get a cleaner.

The aunties house thing has dragged on too long. Someone will take her once more for say 3hrs. What doesn't leave the flat that day is going to the charity shop/tip. Get it on the market and be done with it!

You're all letting her hang this millstone around your neck and it'll only get worse. No doubt she'll huff and puff, but she will get over it.

If she doesn’t like the short dates on a weekly delivery then could she get 2 deliveries a week? Maybe get top ups from a village/corner shop so she has the energy to both get it and put it away.

I had two of my kids at 36 and 40. There’s no way I expect to be leaning on them in this way when there in their early 30’s. Ffs, I my retirement age is 68 and 4 years later I can’t even do my own shopping?? your children need to come first and she needs to be Tod that. Her resentment is her problem

Good grief I'm only 5 years younger than her!

Stand firm. You're doing MORE than enough. She can do loads more herself and if she gets her lazy arse moving she'll probably lose weight and be able to do more - upwards spiral.

How far away does she live OP? It sounds like she is probably rather depressed. Do you generally have a good relationship outside of this?

I appreciate everyone is saying you need boundaries and you 100% do but I wonder if you could offer to have her stay with you for a few days for a bit of company? Definitely not under the guise that you are going to be her housemaid during this time but rather to join in with family life and not feel so lonely. Does she have a good relationship with your kids? Could they do something nice and easy like watch a film together at your house? I understand there are bigger and longer term issues at play but loneliness can strike at any age, not just in the very elderly, and your mum must be really missing her sister.

She only lives 15 minutes away in the car I try and call in once a week and ring her every other day. My dbro calls in and sees her every other day plus she has my dbro old dog who is low maintenance who she enjoys the company of. She does go out with friends once a month. She was complaining about her other friend not bothering but then I said when did you pick up the phone and ring her, it's a too way street. We have gone out for food during the Christmas break twice she went to dbros at Christmas and I offered to her new years day but she ended up in hospital. Alot of my free time on the evenings is spent taking my dd to her training and she often or not does competitions at the weekend once a month so I don't know when else I can fit things in.