Pressure of looking after DM aibu

[OneWittySquid]

Here's some background I hope this helps.

My DM is 72 and DF is 78 who currently lives in a care home and is approaching end of life. I'm one of two, my dbro who is 49 and myself who is 37. I have a family 3 dc 16, 11 and 8 year ds who has autism. Myself and my dh both work dh 45 hours myself 25hours. My dm is growing increasingly resentful that I'm not doing enough for her. That I only visit once a week.

She effectively wants someone to go and take her shopping or go shopping for her and bring it all in. She has a car but some reduce mobility walking with a stick and stops and starts.She is able to go around the supermarket despite me telling her to order her shopping in and my ds will put it away on the day he visits her. This doesn't seem to be good enough she wants better dates on items and to pick them but is happy if I go and get them.

My dbro has 2 young dc but has split from his wife and doesn't have dc all the time he works 4 days and works 30 hours. He has picked her prescriptions up and dropped them off.

She's now getting resentful the house isn't tided or the pots haven't been done. She now wanting to be taken to appointments and isn't happy getting a taxi. I'm juggling work, school pick ups, meetings for ds sen and my dd extracurricular activities which competitions take place over weekends and training sessions not to meantion seeing my df liasing with the doctor about palliative care.

The problem is my dm is capable of doing these things in her house but isn't doing them. Her health is up and down she has a heart condition and diabetes but she is managed on medication. Her sister passed away unexpectedly this time last year. She was the person who would get my dm shopping, prescription and appointments but she was retired.
It's as if she expects myself and dbro to replace this role despite us both working and having families.

She is a horder which makes tidying her house hard work. Dbro and myself have been busy trying to empty to aunts flat to get it ready to sell but it's an uphill battle with my dm wanting to look at everything. On top of that we have yet to get aunts ashes to get buried with her parents and trying to get my dm to do the necessary papers is a nightmare.

Am I not doing enough? I don't know what she expects me to do but apparently she's at the bottom of my priorities

My mum is 70 and has lately started asking me and my sister for lifts, help with computer things and cleaning.

She is able to do all of these things herself so we are both encouraging her to keep her independence otherwise we worry she will go down a slipperly slope to premature old age. However we will take her to hospital appointments and my sister will help with the food shop.

I think in your case you just can’t be a carer to your mum and she needs to know that from the outset, you must already be exhausted with your kids and job.

Age doesn't really matter - you can be 30 and have a list of health issues or 80 and nothing at all! Life is a lottery that way.
But I agree she needs to focus on what she can do, and take responsibility for other things so she can focus on making things easier for herself without relying so much on others.. it's a slippery slope.

I’d just go to your aunts house and just clear it yourself. She’s had long enough and won’t know everything that’s there. Unless you want the house to still be there in another year or 2…Keep any obviously sentimental things, photos etc surely council tax will need to be paid on it soon? I’d just get on with it and get it sold.

She is young enough to do online shopping and if she wants to pick extra stuff then get a taxi etc

I think once she realises you and your brother aren’t running around after her she will have to get on and sort things herself. At the moment it sounds like she is relying on you feeling guilty and doing things she could do.

My mother has 20 or so years on your mother @OneWittySquid and she has lived alone since my father passed away nearly 30 years ago. She looks after as much as she can of what she needs done - will even go to the local supermarket on her good days (she finds she tires a lot easier than she used to) but she has carers now that call a few times a day to make sure that she is well, she takes her medication and she has food/drink. My mother has many ailments and requires regular medication to keep it in check. I'm only saying the above to show you that even though people can find themselves widowed (or not in your case), they have to keep living and doing what they can in life.

If I found myself in your position, I'd be telling my mother that she needs to stop with the poor mouth and get on with living instead of getting on with dying (sorry to be so blunt but that is the impression I'm getting).

Can you set the ball rolling now (while your parents don't really need it extensively yet) to have an Elderly Adult Assessment from Social Services so that when the time comes, they are on their radar and meals can be delivered to them and lifts to/from hospital/doctor's appointments can be arranged etc.

I really wouldn't be running myself ragged doing stuff that I knew my parent(s) could manage. That's very unfair of the parent(s) to put such a load on their children.

Your mother is the same age as me. I look after my grandchildren a couple of days a week and go hill walking. Yes I am fortunate. I have already had the conversation with my children about when I am older. I do not want them running around after me. I love them and I want them to enjoy their lives. I think you need to decide how much of your time you can give to your mother and be very blunt about it. Of course your children and husband come first. She is being very obstinate about not having online shopping. I haven’t shopped in a supermarket for nearly 20 years. It is such a total waste of time! If your mother shops with Ocado you will be able to see the use by dates on items when you order them. Depending on how much she spends, she could have a delivery say every 4 or 5 days.
You need to get on with cleaning out your aunt’s home. I had an aunt like this and got house clearance in after she went into a home. As previously suggested, let her have a couple of hours in the aunt’s home and that is it.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

My suggestion is to see what private care agencies are in your area. There is a very good one near us, and visits are for an hour or more and can include taking someone shopping or a bit of housework, or preparing lunch etc., not just personal care. It's help in the home as opposed to nursing care.

If she would be willing to pay the fees, then she could have regular visits on set days to keep things ticking over. Then you and your brother can arrange set times to go over, that fit in with your other commitments, and when you go it's less stressful for you as you are going as a daughter and a son, not as default carers.

Apply for this for your DM

It is not means tested

She can buy in some more help

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Can she get shopping delivered online

Recoend getting this in place

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Depends where she lives, she can also order items from

Milk and More

And

Just Eats

Hi Op I could be written your post except my DM is older.
She always had us and df at her beck and call.
5 adult dcs 13 grand dcs.
Tbh dbro get shopping dsis gets pills,we do the bins and anything else.
She was getting ready meals for ages and recently our nephew temporarily moved in and she is cooking from scratch,buying new clothes online.
I think she was depressed so the calls for bits were for company really.
Also don't get too tangled up doing it all as we found it's never enough!!

OP you say your Mum is obese and has diabetes and a bad heart. Does she not understand the connection between these things? Does she not try and do anything about her diet?