Pressure of looking after DM aibu

[OneWittySquid]

Here's some background I hope this helps.

My DM is 72 and DF is 78 who currently lives in a care home and is approaching end of life. I'm one of two, my dbro who is 49 and myself who is 37. I have a family 3 dc 16, 11 and 8 year ds who has autism. Myself and my dh both work dh 45 hours myself 25hours. My dm is growing increasingly resentful that I'm not doing enough for her. That I only visit once a week.

She effectively wants someone to go and take her shopping or go shopping for her and bring it all in. She has a car but some reduce mobility walking with a stick and stops and starts.She is able to go around the supermarket despite me telling her to order her shopping in and my ds will put it away on the day he visits her. This doesn't seem to be good enough she wants better dates on items and to pick them but is happy if I go and get them.

My dbro has 2 young dc but has split from his wife and doesn't have dc all the time he works 4 days and works 30 hours. He has picked her prescriptions up and dropped them off.

She's now getting resentful the house isn't tided or the pots haven't been done. She now wanting to be taken to appointments and isn't happy getting a taxi. I'm juggling work, school pick ups, meetings for ds sen and my dd extracurricular activities which competitions take place over weekends and training sessions not to meantion seeing my df liasing with the doctor about palliative care.

The problem is my dm is capable of doing these things in her house but isn't doing them. Her health is up and down she has a heart condition and diabetes but she is managed on medication. Her sister passed away unexpectedly this time last year. She was the person who would get my dm shopping, prescription and appointments but she was retired.
It's as if she expects myself and dbro to replace this role despite us both working and having families.

She is a horder which makes tidying her house hard work. Dbro and myself have been busy trying to empty to aunts flat to get it ready to sell but it's an uphill battle with my dm wanting to look at everything. On top of that we have yet to get aunts ashes to get buried with her parents and trying to get my dm to do the necessary papers is a nightmare.

Am I not doing enough? I don't know what she expects me to do but apparently she's at the bottom of my priorities

Did she say that to you? That she feels like the bottom of your priorities? tell her that you have 3 children and a mortgage to pay and that, of course, THEY are your priority. She is next on the list and IMO should be happy with that. It sounds like you are doing your best.

Yes she’s unreasonable - I’d see if she can claim attendance allowance and then tell her to use that to pay for care / taxis or deliveries. 72 is not old and she needs to keep active despite her medical conditions.

You have a lot to do with your own family and are helping with your df’s care. As for the aunt’s house I’d put that on the back burner for now and consider using house clearance at some point.

I'm a little older than you op, my dad is also 78 and had a stroke last year. He's now in a nursing home and slowly fading.

Mum is 78 and, apart from helping with the financial and legal aspects of dad's care, my mum does everything. She has a huge garden, grows her own veg, fits her own 2 lawns, walks both her dogs and does childcare and hoc for my siblings.

She has had some health issues but is still completely independent, fit and healthy. Tbh, she puts my lazy arse to shame. Your mum needs to realise she's not one step away from the grave and start getting on with her life.

Yes she said she was at the bottom of the list. I told her I have a family but her response was they aren't babies and are older. Alot of self pity and my brother has got it in the neck aswell. I've told him he needs to put his foot down with her.

To be fair, so do you, OP.

I'm a couple of years younger than your mum, and I wouldn't dream of treating my DC like this. I'm disabled, too, but I do my shopping online and go out to lots of social clubs in our village.

DH and I do our own housework and cooking, too. I'm surprised how your mum seems to have kind of given up, so young.

I am in a similar position though my mum is on her own and lives independently. We managed to get her attendance allowance and as she was given her higher level she also gets disability element of pension credit. With some of this she now has a home help for cleaning and to start declutterring as she is a hoarder. I take her shopping each week and I take her for all her medical appointments and manage all her things with her. She has lots of health issues including incontinence and arthritis and very limited mobility. Her mental health is extremely poor and she currently refuses to go out unless I take her

it’s hard work. I have very full time job and my brothers do nothing (one hasn’t seen her since 2019).

is there an option for her to have a home help?

I will also add I find the situation incredibly stresssful! There is a lot of guilt put on me that I don’t do enough but I do as much as I can and I think our relationship has suffered because it’s become more about me caring for her and less about me being her daughter.

I have been very clear that when her needs increase I won’t be able to provide any intimate care for her which she knows!

Yes, you must put your family first and I'm surprised she doesn't see that. I'm the same age, 72, but have stayed more active (as in I walk to the shops, ride buses, drive, do a charity shop shift - not go running or keep fit!). Her spirits need lifting as she doesn't sound happy with her life generally and is probably bored and a bit depressed. Does she come over and spend time with her grandchildren - do you invite her? Can she just sit at yours and be part of the bigger family?

It wants a two-pronged attack. Your DM needs to take some responsibility for her day-to-day stuff (either get motivated or psy someone to help) and build on her friendships, and you and your brother could involve her in your lives where possible - I don't read much compassion in your posts but perhaps you've got past that. Good luck.

Can you try and call in once more a week? Twice a week might make all the difference to her. You should have an honest conversation though that she needs to do more for herself. Maybe tell her its shopping delivered only, if no-one takes her then that’s her only option. Some elderly people do seem to object to online shopping but she needs to realise you and her son have busy lives. My mum is 71 and can do everything for herself, but friends mum 3yrs older has been unable to do much for years, largely due to weight, smoking and unmanaged diabetes. It’s really hard for my friend, and now she has moved in as she has terminal cancer. Not easy looking after parents and some can be quite demanding about it.

My DM is 72. She's off to SE Asia for a trip with her DP at Easter. She paints, she organises exhibitions for her painting club, she cooks and cleans the house. She does weekly and daily in person shops and generally walks or cycles there and back. She does yoga weekly at her local community centre. She lives in another country so we probably see her once every couple of months.
Again not to boast but just to illustrate that 72 is not old. Your DM could have another 20 years of life quite easily and it's really a mistake for her to start thinking she's old and incapable at this relatively young age.
So you need to force her to continue to be independent! Can you encourage her to get involved in things locally? Volunteering for example? Clubs? I think the sad situation with your DF may mean she's feeling helpless and needs some purpose

Your clearly doing too much and have enough on your own plate

This.

Use her money to buy in services for her. A cleaner, someone to do her shopping, appts etc. Is she inheriting sister's property when sold? If so could she move to accommodation suitable for her with assistance bought in?

Crikey OP, your children aren't babies but your mother CERTAINLY isn't a baby either! So why should she be a higher priority to you than your kids?!

It sounds like you are trying really hard to support her whilst you have a lot of other things on your plate.

would she consider mental health support for how she is feeling? She has lost her sister who was a big support to her and her husband is dying. She is in poor health and is hoarding.

she would really benefit from some therapy. This will also help with her sleep. When you have depression, it is very very hard to help yourself.

I know you said that she doesn’t like going out, but a local social group would do her the world of good. There are often weekly groups for arts/crafts, chatting, singing, dancing, local history and all sorts.

how is she on the phone? Would she accept a phone befriending service? Or could she volunteer as a befriender for someone else?

I think focussing on her mental health will really help to lift some of the burden from you.

it sounds like you’re doing a great job - I hope you’re managing to get some rest too.

I'm going to try to give a slightly different point of view. I am about to be 74. I have myriad health issues, some historical, some like cancer and arthritis more recent , meaning mobility can be affected as well as motivation and ability to do things on certain days being affected by pain.I have suddenly become a carer for dh who has MND.(diagnosed a year ago. Very life limiting ), just when I feel the need for care myself. I never imagined myself like this at an age that I regard as being 'young elderly '.All those saying 'she's only 72' don't appreciate that 72 and fit and healthy is a world away from 72 and health issues. It has been a shock to me to say the least! The life of retirement I had envisaged is a distant dream which has been replaced by anxiety and worse. I don't live near my 2 dds but have helped a lot with granddaughter through her mum's previously undiagnosed ill health during covid, so have seen a lot of them and have a close relationship. I see much less of other daughter .The change in my situation, through my deteriorating health and the dramatic change in our lives caused by MND has really knocked my confidence. I considered my self pretty capable generally. I was teaching until I was 65. A really busy work life and moving midlife, means I have only a few friends, who all have busy lives themselves and family nearby. Although I can drive , I hate it and am limited to local driving. I am dreading being alone, when dh dies, having all the responsibility, making decisions on my own, just managing all the day to day stuff.Ive had him to lean on for 45 years. My formerly very handy, very capable husband has supported me, now the boot needs to be on the other foot. I need to put my big girl pants on .What I am determined about though , is that I won't put pressure on my kids to be responsible for me. I will do my best to at least give them the impression I can cope because it isnt fair to add myself to their responsibilities. I can imagine what a burden I would be and would hate that. I will be lonely, I am sure and somewhat isolated by inability to do what I enjoy( gardening, walking, travelling).I will also need to move from my v. unsuitable house and away from a great street where I am part of a community. I am fearful for the future. I can imagine how your mum is feeling and have some sympathy for her. She has been used to relying on others and has not been used to living alone , making all the decisions, managing her home etc and wants for company. I'm sure she is entitled to a care allowance if money is an issue. It might be time to try to persuade her into sheltered housing, where she will be part of a community and have access to support if necessary. It will take away all the worrying day to day decisions and give her social opportunities too. I'm guessing that that is what I will do. I just wanted to give an insight into how she is probably feeling. My life hasn't turned out the way I hoped and hers hasn't either. I think you need to talk to her sympathetically and find out what she needs and what can be put in place for her. I don't think you can stretch yourself any further and you need to make that clear if she can't see it for herself. What you don't want is for your relationship to become one of resentment. Your life doesn't sound easy. You sound like a great mum and daughter. I hope things sort themselves out for you, going forward.

I’m divided on this as there are things in this current list you can compromise on and do more efficiently: eg do the shopping and either get it delivered to you, or click and collect and take to her house - but also, I get the feeling her list will just keep growing as she extends the boundaries …

Is she depressed?

Would she consider moving into retirement living accommodation OP? I know some people criticise it because of the high service charges, but my MIL lives in one and I can honestly say it's worth every penny in terms of her quality of life and the reduced stress for DH (and me). Like you we have three DC and busy jobs, and DH's sibling lives abroad. Her accommodation provides all the services she needs, and the social aspect is really important too.

I feel so sorry for you, it must be very difficult. I am your mother's age and still doing much more for my adult children than they do for me. They're busy with jobs and children so I wouldn't dream of adding to their workload. I'm also full time carer for my 94 year old mother.

I expect you've heard of the phrase 'learned helplessness' and it sounds like your mum is doing that. Of course she can order online and put away her own shopping. She can declutter her house to make it easier to clean. Can she afford a weekly cleaner? She can drive or get taxis. She could make an effort to eat healthily and lose some of the weight that's dragging her down. She has some health issues but she could be totally independent. She's choosing not to be and whether that's due to depression or something else, you can't sacrifice the quality of your life to pander to someone else.

I don't mean to sound unkind to your mum but she's being unfair to you and your brother. If you decide to set more boundaries with her, please try not to feel guilty.

@OneWittySquid I don't know what you mean by 'insulin diabetes', there's no such thing. Do you mean she has Type 2 but controls it by insulin rather than meds? if so, does she do injections herself or does a district nurse call in and do them for her?

My very best wishes and good luck to you.

Caring for my elderly mother with dementia gives me a tiny amount of understanding for the challenge.

I totally understand what you’re going through. I’ve been there. You are doing EVERYTHING you can and more already and you are probably killing yourself with the effort. I feel for you. My DM was the same re the shopping (until, I think, my brother had a chat with her) and she moved mostly to online shopping - I would get the odd few fresh things instead of the full shop (I couldn’t even get my own at the same time as it would then spoil lying in the car the whole time I was at DMs). There are non-means tested allowances your mother should be able to get to pay for taxi’s to and from shops and appts if she’s physically able. I know it’s easy to say, but you need to remember your own family and prioritise them and above all, yourself, and ensure you have time for yourself. Take care x

Hi OP, empathy from me, it’s so stressful! After DF died 5 years ago, I became DM’s support for everything - shopping, DIY, medical appointments, the works. She’d phone me late at night on a panic because the TV wasn’t working properly etc. It grinds you down. I came to realise that it didn’t matter how much I did, it would never be enough - there was always a list of jobs she wanted me to do, and as soon as I’d dealt with one she was straight onto obsessing about the next thing. It took a huge toll on my health and our relationship.

She now lives in a nursing home as she has incurable cancer and her mobility is very poor. After 3 years of relentless medical appointments/surgeries/treatments I lost my job, understandably. Poor DM went through hell but one thing she never, ever did was begrudge me time with DD. The comment your DM made about your three DC ‘not being babies’ really stands out to me as indicative of selfishness. Your DM wants and expects to be your top priority, which is absolute madness.

As many other posters have said, it’s about boundaries. I had to learn to say “No, Mom, I’m not doing that - I can’t/won’t/don’t want to do that”. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the craziness of the demands and reflect back to her how unrealistic her expectations are.

The elderly parents board is a great support, full of people with real experience of dealing with these things. The problem with posting this sort of thing on AIBU is you’ll get well-meaning people saying things like “just visit her more
often”, but with no experience of the grinding exhaustion of years of caring for elderly parents and balancing their needs/demands with the needs of DC, work etc.

Your hands are FULL. You’re doing all you can, so don’t be emotionally blackmailed into committing to doing more than you can cope with - you’ll end up resentful and burnt out. And it’ll likely never, ever be enough.

I wish I had something useful to add-apart from the fact you are doing brilliantly, and your DM is asking too much. When my DM was behaving similarly, although a bit older than your DM it took me ages to work out what she wanted from us was time.
At the time we were all working full time, DB and I both had DC and my DS lived a distance away. Mum was perfectly capable of getting on the bus to the supermarket and getting a taxi home (no money worries). She could have gone several times a week had she wanted but what she actually wanted was one of us to drive her to Tesco, go around with her, drive home, put the shopping away, sit with her etc. She was an hour away from me so that would be the whole day.

This is about you, not me but all I can suggest is stand your ground.

‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I simply don’t have time for all this. You really will have to manage x and y, e.g. grocery deliveries/whatever else, yourself.’

The fact is, some old people can become unbelievably selfish and self centred - expecting others to run around after them regardless of their own commitments. Dh’s old aunt actually expected a friend to drive 20 minutes each way every night to come and fill her hot water bottles! (She’d refused the electric blanket we’d offered.). And was most put out when the friend said after a couple of nights that she couldn’t do it any more.

An interesting mix of opinions here. You can’t do more than you are doing. I’m the same age as your mother, luckily in pretty good health at present. I,like many others, find technology difficult but manage online shopping and still drive long distances. However I plan to move into a retirement flat with management if I am left alone so that I’m not ringing the child who lives near me to change lightbulbs etc. and hopefully it would provide something of a social life when my ability to get out so much is compromised.

As other have said, your mum needs to get a cleaner and use taxis. My own parent would not have one, even though I would have sourced a nice person to whip round the small property and sit down for a cuppa and a chat..they do exist. That would have been so helpful to me and reduced the guilt! I realise some people become quite selfish but you need to insist that she gets outside help so you can relax and spend time with her as a daughter not a carer.