...to stay off work longer?

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 05/01/2025 13:09

Sorry for your loss.

It's not unreasonable if you're not able to go to work to go sick. On the flip side is there room to look at a staggered return? Perhaps reduced hours or part time. The routine and structure may help - unfortunately you're not likely to know unless you try so it's a catch 22.

Look after yourself first though. You've not had a lot of time off to process such a major loss.

TomorrowTodayYesterday · 05/01/2025 13:10

Go back. You might find the routine and the distraction of work useful. If in two weeks time you find you really can't cope than you'll need to reconsider and seek help. Perhaps some grief counselling would work either way.

I'm really sorry about your mum, it's horrible and tough and there's no right or wrong way of grieving.

OurDreamLife · 05/01/2025 13:10

I’m sorry for your loss.
I would go back. As hard as it is it may never feel like the right time.

LunchtimeNaps · 05/01/2025 13:10

My initial thoughts are:

Have you tried to get any help with your grief? Just staying off work will not help and you need to actively help yourself to feel better.

Maybe talk to your manager and see if there can be a phased return to work. Although this is normally offered when you've been off long term sick but you took AL so I don't know if that will cause an issue.

Personally for me I think the best thing is to get on with life and front it out but that's not for everyone I know.

HoraceCope · 05/01/2025 13:11

i am so sorry for your loss.
Can you suggest just two more weeks? you would presumably need to ask your GP?

AutumnChild99 · 05/01/2025 13:12

Been there - very similar situation to you. I went back immediately because it was what was expected of me but I cried all the time and still resent work for not asking if I was ok to go back. I didn't know how it should be done because it was my first time losing a parent. Speak to your GP and ask to be signed off if you are crying all the time. Sending hugs.

Doyouthinktheyknow · 05/01/2025 13:13

I'm sorry for your loss, it’s tough💐

Grief is hard, it’s different for everyone and only you know when it’s right for you to go back to work.

I lost my dbro very suddenly and tried to go back after 3 weeks and failed completely. I ended up taking 6 weeks off and if I hadn’t been leaving and only had a short time left, I probably would’ve needed longer off.

It’s taken me months really and I still have bad weeks. Changing my job has helped a lot but the first few weeks in my new job, it felt like the worst decision ever because I struggled with learning a new role.

I did use sick leave, the GP I spoke with was lovely. Take as long as you need💐

WiseLurker · 05/01/2025 13:15

I'm sorry for your loss. If you haven't, I would strongly recommend some grief counselling to help you talk your feelings through as this was quite sudden.

With regards work, might a phased return help so that you aren't as daunted by a full week back?

Perhaps half days Wed-Fri first week, a full week at 6 hours the following week, rhen back full time. Maybe that would take the edge off it a little mentally.

Chocolateorange01 · 05/01/2025 13:18

There is no easy answer. My dad was only in his mid-60s, still working and jointly owned a business. I had 3 weeks off sick but that was mainly due to needing to sort stuff out as I knew my employer wouldn't give me time off to sort the funeral, the business etc.

I probably only needed 2 weeks off and I felt the need to get some routine back but I understand it may be difficult for you. I was still upset when I went back but it was what I needed.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 05/01/2025 13:19

Dh felt the same after his son died last year. Could you talk to work about a phased return? Maybe accompanied by a fit note from the gp to say you need to build up to help manage the grief?

Both DH's work and mine were amazing when dss died. It was totally unexpected but absolutely should not have happened (not suicide). We were both given as much time as we needed, any accommodations needed were met. I went back in full time after about 4 days. Dh took a bit longer and went back for half days. Or as much as he could cope with. We were both exceptionally lucky to have been left on full pay for the duration.

I would have a really honest and open conversation with your manager and HR. Explain that you want to be working but your emotions are still raw and you are worried about the impact, ask them what support they can offer/assist with.

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/01/2025 13:20

I'm so sorry for your loss, grief is hard 😔

If you can, I would suggest going to work tomorrow, even though that will feel hard. Often, the anticipation of things is worse than the reality. It may also give you something to focus on which can be helpful.

Cam you get a message to your manager or a trusted colleague saying that although you are coming back, you feel really fragile and would appreciate some support tomorrow?

Best of luck x

Original poster

IsThisLeaveTooLong · 05/01/2025 13:20

Thanks everyone - many of you are saying what I was thinking, that I should get myself back into a routine, the distraction might help etc. But over the last couple of days, the sense of dread at having to go back to normal has overwhelmed me. I'm going to have to pretend I care about work and what's going on, and right now, I really don't. I normally do, though - my career is extremely important to me and I don't want to let anyone down.

I just feel emotionally exhausted. Some of it might be from putting on a brave face over Christmas and the new year due to having young children - I feel like I need just a few days to myself to process things while they're at school/nursery. Some time to breathe and get myself back into a better frame of mind.

OP posts:

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/01/2025 13:23

Sounds like you need to see your GP for anti depressants and to be signed off sick.

whatusernameisavailabl · 05/01/2025 13:24

IsThisLeaveTooLong · 05/01/2025 13:04

My much-loved Mum died at the end of November after a usually treatable illness turned suddenly nasty. Although in the last three weeks or so we knew she was dying, the end came fast, and I feel she was taken from us too soon.

I took some compassionate leave and used up holidays to take December off work. I'm due back tomorrow and I can't stop crying. I don't feel ready, but at the same time, it's not fixing anything by staying off, and I've got to go back at some point. I also feel guilty about not supporting my team as there's been a lot of upheaval over the last year. My manager, as lovely as he is, I don't think will take kindly to me not coming back as agreed - he'll say the right things, and say it's fine, take as much time as I need, but I think deep down he'll be frustrated and actually I feel it could have an adverse impact on my career in terms of reputation and good standing.

What do I do? Is taking more leave - I guess I'd have to phone in sick - unreasonable?

I’m wondering if it all feels too much to return to work after this plus return to work on the allegedly most depressing Monday of the year?

Could you seperate the two and stagger your return.

I don’t agree it doenst help to stay off. No one persons grief journey is the same so we cant speak for others. You lost your mother by the sounds of it less than 6 weeks ago.

id give yourself what you need. Speak to your GP

whatusernameisavailabl · 05/01/2025 13:26

IsThisLeaveTooLong · 05/01/2025 13:20

Thanks everyone - many of you are saying what I was thinking, that I should get myself back into a routine, the distraction might help etc. But over the last couple of days, the sense of dread at having to go back to normal has overwhelmed me. I'm going to have to pretend I care about work and what's going on, and right now, I really don't. I normally do, though - my career is extremely important to me and I don't want to let anyone down.

I just feel emotionally exhausted. Some of it might be from putting on a brave face over Christmas and the new year due to having young children - I feel like I need just a few days to myself to process things while they're at school/nursery. Some time to breathe and get myself back into a better frame of mind.

Well there you go you have articulated what you need. Try to arrange to go back next week and speak to your Dr in the meantime.

yes work is a distraction but imv it just delays the grieving. You need to get the balance and try to allow both

HoraceCope · 05/01/2025 13:26

i am not sure anti depressants are necessary, it is quite natural to be sad, but a couple more weeks sounds reasonable

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 05/01/2025 13:27

I'm sorry for your loss.
I've had colleagues be off for months after the loss of a parent or spouse. I've also had them work on and only take time to register the death and go to the funeral.
In short, I think everyone is different. If you do go back tomorrow, will you be able to do your job properly? If you're not ready, see your GP and they'll be able to sign you off.

whatusernameisavailabl · 05/01/2025 13:28

HoraceCope · 05/01/2025 13:26

i am not sure anti depressants are necessary, it is quite natural to be sad, but a couple more weeks sounds reasonable

Absolutely!!! No anti depressants needed. This is complete normal response.

the reason we get so tired when grieving is because we have to often manage to personas which sounds liek what you have been doing dec and since the death because of young children. You’ve identified you need a bit of time once they have gone back.

whatever you do, there is no right way. Just keep tuning in to yourself

LunchtimeNaps · 05/01/2025 13:29

It's also fairly normal to have the sense of dread going back to work after having a long amount of time off. Lots of us will have this just from being off over Christmas let alone what you've had to deal with. Don't delay. Go in and get back to normality.

SilviaDaisyPouncer · 05/01/2025 13:31

I'm sorry about your mum. She must have been wonderful for you to miss her so much.

I always recommend staying off until you are fully well enough to cope with your workload.

Unless you have a really understanding employer, there's no benefit to putting yourself in a position where you'll be pushed to perform when you're not really at that capacity yet.

SquigglePigs · 05/01/2025 13:33

IsThisLeaveTooLong · 05/01/2025 13:20

Thanks everyone - many of you are saying what I was thinking, that I should get myself back into a routine, the distraction might help etc. But over the last couple of days, the sense of dread at having to go back to normal has overwhelmed me. I'm going to have to pretend I care about work and what's going on, and right now, I really don't. I normally do, though - my career is extremely important to me and I don't want to let anyone down.

I just feel emotionally exhausted. Some of it might be from putting on a brave face over Christmas and the new year due to having young children - I feel like I need just a few days to myself to process things while they're at school/nursery. Some time to breathe and get myself back into a better frame of mind.

Your last paragraph sums up what you need perfectly. Masking for other people is exhausting.

Talk to your GP and get signed off for another week, then talk to your Manager about doing another week part time (maybe half days?).

Be kind to yourself. Work will still be there in another week or two but you need to manage yourself too.

Better another week now than going back to soon and crashing hard a few months down the line and needing longer to put yourself back together.

Topee · 05/01/2025 13:33

I had the same dread after losing my Dad. I was in tears as soon as I arrived as people were expressing their condolences and asking if I was okay etc. I asked everyone (kindly) to just treat me as normal and stop being nice to me and I was fine after that! The routine and normality most definitely helped me, I was good to have something other than grief to focus on.

That said, grief is a very personal journey and we all process it in different ways. Maybe go in tomorrow and see how you feel once you’re there, you can always take further time off it it feels too soon for you.

Doggymummar · 05/01/2025 13:33

I think it's important to get back to normal as soon as possible but I'm a very practical, not emotional person.

Optigan · 05/01/2025 13:35

Would a phased return be an option - a week of half-days before going back full-time, to ease you in.

Funkyslippers · 05/01/2025 13:35

I was in a similar position 5 years ago. My dad died on Christmas Eve in the middle of the holidays. I was due back on the first Monday in Jan. Was absolutely dreading it and I burst into tears as soon as a friend & colleague gave me a hug. I sent an email to the team to explain why I might be a bit quiet for a while. I had a couple of teary episodes but I honestly think it was the best thing for me to go back when I was due back. The first day will be the hardest, with well meaning people asking how you are & saying how sorry they are. But it gets easier when people stop mentioning it. That's what I found anyway