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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to stay off work longer?

61 replies

IsThisLeaveTooLong · 05/01/2025 13:04

My much-loved Mum died at the end of November after a usually treatable illness turned suddenly nasty. Although in the last three weeks or so we knew she was dying, the end came fast, and I feel she was taken from us too soon.

I took some compassionate leave and used up holidays to take December off work. I'm due back tomorrow and I can't stop crying. I don't feel ready, but at the same time, it's not fixing anything by staying off, and I've got to go back at some point. I also feel guilty about not supporting my team as there's been a lot of upheaval over the last year. My manager, as lovely as he is, I don't think will take kindly to me not coming back as agreed - he'll say the right things, and say it's fine, take as much time as I need, but I think deep down he'll be frustrated and actually I feel it could have an adverse impact on my career in terms of reputation and good standing.

What do I do? Is taking more leave - I guess I'd have to phone in sick - unreasonable?

OP posts:
DGPP · 05/01/2025 13:37

I would go back. Millions of us are dreading tomorrow - you have that plus grief on top.. I would try and work for two weeks and then see how you feel. If you’re not coping you can get signed off for a bit longer. Grief takes a while to feel better and. Then can dip again for years on and off. It’s normal to feel so sad at such a big life event

JMSA · 05/01/2025 13:40

I promise that the thought of it is always worse than the reality ... returning to work, I mean.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

BashfulClam · 05/01/2025 13:49

It’s normal, grieving is different for everyone. although when my Dad died someone said to me ‘remember life goes on for you.’ I thought it sounded heartless but then I realised they were right and I needed to get back into my normal life.

scotstars · 05/01/2025 13:57

I am so sorry for your loss. My mum passed away several years ago in November I went returned fully after new year and honestly only managed as it was lockdown and we were fully remote.
If practical matters are taken care of you may benefit from the routine and distraction of work but there's no right or wrong amount of time to take. If you return and find it too much get signed off and have some breathing space.

caringcarer · 05/01/2025 14:03

Afternoon Mum died my sister and I both felt really bad and couldn't stop crying. My sister got signed off work for 3 months and I had given up my job three months prior to help my sister care for my Mum. I felt terrible after she died but I got a new job because it was pointless sitting at home crying and feeling shit all the time. I had to concentrate on my new job and it helped me get back to normal. After 3 months of new job I felt a lot better. I went to see my sister and was devastated to find she was still stuck in exactly the same place as when Mum died. It was another 2 months before she could be persuaded to return to work so she was home 5 months in total. After she returned to work she said she started to feel better and wished she'd returned a lot earlier. She said her colleagues were all kind to her and she appreciated their support. Staying home especially if on your own most of the day will delay your recovery. Back at work I still felt sad but was working towards moving forwards. Staying home being on your own all day will make you feel worse and isolated. Go back and you'll feel better more quickly. Allow your colleagues to support you. You've already had a month off. Sorry for your loss.

devilspawn · 05/01/2025 14:06

The first day back is always the hardest, maybe try it and see how you feel with a view to going home if you can't cope.

Bumcake · 05/01/2025 14:12

You sound like you need more time. Is there any scope to work at home for the first week, or do a phased return?

JustMyView13 · 05/01/2025 14:12

I’m so sorry for your loss.
In my experience, I’ve always preferred to return to work on a Weds/Thurs after a breavement. It get’s those difficult conversations out the way, and the weekend being so close makes it feel so much more achievable.

Perhaps you could take an extra couple of days. January is also such a long month at the best of times, anything you can do to make it pass faster might not be a bad thing.

And finally, can you do something nice for yourself on these extra few days off. Get a massage, go for a countryside walk (if mobility isn’t an issue) etc. Being around countryside I find really helps me re-centre. x

EmmaMaria · 05/01/2025 14:18

I agree with you that if you continue having time off it will only get harder and harder. Why not go back, speak to your manager, and if the full day feels too much, as for some reduced / phased working for a week or two. But the distraction of working may be just what you need, and you won't know until you try. Maybe even set yourself a "treat target" - I will go back to work and in two weeks time I am having a spa break (or whatever nice thing would be a perk for you - there's an awful lot of good deals on during January and early February as it's often the slowest time of year)

NewYearNewToothbrush · 05/01/2025 14:48

I would encourage you to try really hard to face the barrier and get back to work as it most likely will help, but only if it's done in a way that doesn't overwhelm you. Sometimes 'performing normality' really does help you to get back into it. Also, that first step back into the office is 100% the hardest one. It is not as bad once you're there, and sometimes the longer you leave it the bigger that barrier feels.

As a couple of others have suggested, ask about phased return, I'd also self-refer for some grief counselling.

Original poster
IsThisLeaveTooLong · 05/01/2025 16:54

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond, and I'm so sorry that many of you have lost dear family members. It's just . . . shit.

I've resolved to go back tomorrow as originally planned. I totally get that the first day is the hardest and I need to just get it over with, and get back into a normal routine. I'm just feeling a bit burnt-out already and could do with a break from everything, kids included (which is an awful thing to say, I know). We don't have childcare so even weekends are full-on. But, that's life.

Unfortunately a phased return or reduced hours isn't feasible - I'm the main earner and at the moment we can't afford to lose any portion of my salary (guessing the non-worked hours wouldn't be paid).

OP posts:
EmmaMaria · 05/01/2025 17:03

IsThisLeaveTooLong · 05/01/2025 16:54

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond, and I'm so sorry that many of you have lost dear family members. It's just . . . shit.

I've resolved to go back tomorrow as originally planned. I totally get that the first day is the hardest and I need to just get it over with, and get back into a normal routine. I'm just feeling a bit burnt-out already and could do with a break from everything, kids included (which is an awful thing to say, I know). We don't have childcare so even weekends are full-on. But, that's life.

Unfortunately a phased return or reduced hours isn't feasible - I'm the main earner and at the moment we can't afford to lose any portion of my salary (guessing the non-worked hours wouldn't be paid).

Don't assume that. Many employers split phased returns as part pay/part sick pay. Obviously that means you continue to wrack up sick time, but whether that is a problem or not is your choice - you may decide that is the least of two evils, especially if you have a good prior record.

Nothing awful about wanting a break from the kids either. Like I said, you must deserve a spa day or something by now. Make the time for yourself - it's ok to do that. It's not like you are planning to dump them on social services doorstep, or jump on the next rocket to Mars.

Optigan · 05/01/2025 17:44

Phased return where I work has the option to be taken as sick leave.

WhereDoBrokenHeartsGo · 05/01/2025 17:59

i took off a significant amount of time after my mum died. I couldn’t get in the right mindset for work at all. I returned with no issue and haven’t had any time off since. I have no regrets about taking the additional time. I’d always say take as long as you need unless it is going to have an adverse effect

merryandbrightdelight · 05/01/2025 18:07

So sorry for your loss, op Flowers I would maybe look at a staggered return if you can't face going back completely. I do agree with others that the routine will probably do you some good, but a staggered return will allow you to build up to that.

Skyglimmer · 05/01/2025 18:19

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last year before Christmas so was off for a December with compassionate leave and then annual leave over Christmas. I found it hard to go back but couldn't sit around at home any longer. If you do struggle when you return you can always go to your GP to get signed off.

I completely understand about putting on the brave face for the kids as that is exactly what I had to do last year.

Bumcake · 05/01/2025 18:59

I’m glad you’ve made a decision OP, I hope it goes well.

Mother40 · 05/01/2025 19:11

I'm going through similar feelings at the moment. My mum died also at the end of November. It was totally unexpected. She was 82 but very fit and active with nothing wrong with her and we were extremely close with lots planned. Work have been understanding but before Christmas I said I would go back this week. We are due to have the funeral this Friday, so thinking about it I should have said the week after as I'm going to find it incredibly hard this week.

ridl14 · 05/01/2025 19:12

IsThisLeaveTooLong · 05/01/2025 13:04

My much-loved Mum died at the end of November after a usually treatable illness turned suddenly nasty. Although in the last three weeks or so we knew she was dying, the end came fast, and I feel she was taken from us too soon.

I took some compassionate leave and used up holidays to take December off work. I'm due back tomorrow and I can't stop crying. I don't feel ready, but at the same time, it's not fixing anything by staying off, and I've got to go back at some point. I also feel guilty about not supporting my team as there's been a lot of upheaval over the last year. My manager, as lovely as he is, I don't think will take kindly to me not coming back as agreed - he'll say the right things, and say it's fine, take as much time as I need, but I think deep down he'll be frustrated and actually I feel it could have an adverse impact on my career in terms of reputation and good standing.

What do I do? Is taking more leave - I guess I'd have to phone in sick - unreasonable?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. If you're struggling, it might be worth speaking to the GP?

That said, I lost my mum under different but very sudden circumstances last year. I took one day of leave because it was right before a week long half term (I'm a teacher) and my MIL advised me to go back early so I could be distracted by the routine. She said in her experience the longer I stayed off, the harder I'd find it to go back. I was worried about how I'd handle it but actually it was extremely helpful, it kept my brain busy in a way I didn't have at home.

It was still tough in different ways, like I found I couldn't make eye contact with any other staff, whether they knew or not, for at least a week, kept to myself. My very well meaning manager made it really hard on the first day because she came in to my room very gently and gave me a big hug, so I just started crying - about 20 minutes before my first class was due in.

I'd add I think a phased return like others have suggested could be a good idea as well, but I do think trying to ease yourself back in will help you in the long run.

SilviaDaisyPouncer · 05/01/2025 20:17

Hopefully if you normally enjoy your job and have colleagues you like, it'll give you something to focus on.

I have had times in my life where I'd have gone mad without work to focus on, so it could help if you are able to get into things. But don't ever feel guilty for putting your wellbeing before work 🌺

bettbburg · 05/01/2025 20:22

Before you go back talk to your manager and set out what you want people to do - do you want them to come and offer condolences or do you want your lovely mum to not be mentioned ?

After I was bereaved I told my line manager that I needed no mention of what had happened or I wouldn't be able to cope. I needed work to be the one place where it didn't go with me.

Whitesapphire · 05/01/2025 20:26

I think you’re doing the right thing, the longer you are off the harder it is to go back.

SquigglePigs · 06/01/2025 22:46

Hope today went ok for you OP.

Angrymum22 · 06/01/2025 23:08

I lost my DSis (56) at at the beginning of November. I only work one day a week so decided to go back immediately. My DSis had no children, our parents died years ago and BIL is an only child so my other DSis and I had been commuting every week for a month in order to help BIL out. I was exhausted afterwards and took a good month out of doing anything socially but found work a welcome escape. Switching off all the emotions for a while helps you to cope when it overwhelms you. You realise that your life will be normal again if not quite the same.

I had to work after my DM died 28 yrs ago because I’m self employed and at the time an employer. The staff were very protective and a fantastic support. They would give me space if I needed it and dealt with some of the problems until I found my feet again.

There are going to be times when it’s difficult but you learn to tune out. Mother’s Day were always difficult but I would just remove myself from the conversation, quietly. When I became a mum myself it was easier.

Maybe this year, book off any days that may be significant. Then you can have a meltdown in private, birthdays are hard and the anniversary of her death.

Im still struggling with DSis death it was so quick from diagnosis to death but we all knew the facts and with the experience from parents death we were very open about what was happening which has helped tremendously.

Mist people are quite private about the loss of parents because it is so triggering but often open up and share their experience when someone they know is in the acute stage of bereavement. Empathy is the one thing they can offer and you will find that you may get support at work from people you don’t expect. Only people who haven’t lost parents will struggle to know what to say.

The staff at work sent condolences via what’s app so it got it out of the way. They let me get on with things and on the odd occasion I have a wobble are happy to just listen.

Our next stage is the big sort out, when BIL is ready. I admit that it will be a difficult few days going through all Dsis’s stuff. But it needs to be done. She lived in a beautiful part of the country and we holidayed with them regularly so I’m hoping that we can do it in stages and enjoy the visits. Maybe visiting some of her favourite spots.

Jadebanditchillipepper · 06/01/2025 23:40

If I were you, I would probably take another couple of weeks off sick and then look to go back on a phased return. I went back to work way too soon after my Dad died and ended up with virus after infection after virus and was just really laid low for months.

My Mum died four years later - I immediately took time off. I was hoping to go back after about two weeks, but just didn't feel ready, so said I wouldn't be back until after the funeral was over (this was is 2020 and the funeral wasn't until 3 and a half weeks after she died. Weirdly, I felt ready to go back once the funeral was over. You just have to do what works for you - If you're not ready, you're not ready and maybe need a bit more time and a phased return.