to ask friend not to send pregnancy photos

[puddleofpuppies]

DH and I have been ttc for several years and we are now at a point where we have been told that unless we use donor gametes we will not be able to have children. I am completely devastated and have been struggling a lot to the point where I am on anti-depressants and find every day difficult. It is particularly difficult at the moment as I've just turned 40 and I have 2 SIL and three of my closest friends who are all pregnant. I desperately want to find joy in their happiness but I am finding it incredibly difficult – it feels like a punch in the gut every time I get a pregnancy photo or update.

Two pregnant friends who I haven't spoken to about what I'm going through (but I think they have guessed) are being sensitive – they both let me know by text and haven't been sending updates or mentioning it unless I ask how it is going. My other friend, who I am closest to and who I have spoken to about what I am going through in quite a lot of detail previously, is the opposite. She told me in person and is sending me all the scan pictures and baby bump photos. I know that she is excited and I want to share in that excitement so, so much, but I'm not coping and am finding myself pulling away from the friendship. This makes me sad as it feels like yet another thing that infertility has stolen – the ability to feel joy for my friends and be excited and happy for them. I bought her some really lovely baby gifts when she announced her pregnancy and I haven't said anything about how I am feeling about everything but it's just so difficult.

Would I be unreasonable to send a gently worded message just explaining how I'm feeling and asking her to hold off on sending photos? I haven't done anything about it yet as I don't want to make her feel bad for being excited about something she has every right to be over the moon about, and I don't want to take the joy out of the experience for her. I know she doesn't have a lot of close friends and I desperately don't want to upset her or make her feel uncomfortable about her pregnancy, but I just don't know what to do.

She does not sound like a friend at all, selfish mare. Send the message and protect yourself. Wish you luck for the future x

Not unreasonable at all, in fact I think it sounds like a really important thing to do for your own peace and sanity. She's being really insensitive and thoughtless. I'm so sorry, I feel for you and I can relate somewhat. Please don't put yourself under pressure to be cheerleading and finding the joy - that's way too much to expect of yourself at the moment. You're going through a lot, and it will take time to feel differently

This is harsh.

op as you’ve not told her how yoire feeling. And she thinks are sharing the excitement, then I think it’s time to tell her.

In fairness to this friend, I do think that actually she is potentially just reciprocating the level of “sharing” that they have always had. It’s a bit thoughtless but considering OP has said herself that she has shared “quite a lot of detail” with this friend about what has been going on it doesn’t seem a huge jump for that friend to then think it’s also okay to share their information for support in the same way that OP has shared her own.

It’s one of those where it’s hard to balance being a good friend with looking out for yourself, because being a good friend means supporting each other, not just one offloading to the other and then not wanting to provide any support back, but you do need to look out for yourself.

I’d definitely send her a message though OP, or take a step back from the friendship even just for now

I think she is just very excited – and as @Shrinkingrose says I have been acting excited too. But it's so hard and every time I get a photo I end up in tears. I do wish she was a little more thoughtful though – she also said something about it being "hard to conceive" as it took a few months after they decided to try. I just don't want this to ruin our friendship, but don't know how to get around it. It's all making me feel incredibly lonely and isolated. I feel like I'm pulling away from this friend because I can't deal with it all, and then my other friends who are being more sensitive aren't sharing this part of their lives with me.

Yes, I'd do as you've suggested. It's the best way forward. I've said no thanks to seeing baby photos before. Probably looked like a right cow but I had to prioritise my sanity and well being! I completely get it.

I think you need to frame it as "I am so happy for you but this is our current situation, everything hurts. I love you very much, I care and I'll ask but right now I need space from pregnancy". I have a friend who is lovely but is unhappily long term single. She appreciates being told news kindly - I rang her to say I was engaged as I thought it gentlest - but doesn't then need all the details. If she needed to tell me to back off baby stuff (I hope she would though I hope I'm not that insensitive), I'd understand and comply.

Op if you’ve been acting excited and not telling her and I’m not sure you can consider her tnougntless.

maybe if you’d been Luke warm, sure, but I think tell her, unless She’s a right cow she will stop.

Tell her. She probably thinks she’s doing the right thing by sending them to you like she would any other friend. That is, she likely thought that if she didn’t send them to you it would be like implying it was something you’d never understand, something alien to you, and that that would be hurtful to you and make you even more upset.

Send the message as it will only get worse the closer to birth she gets and once the baby is here. Considering you have spoken at length with her about what you have been going through I find it VERY inconsiderate and a little spiteful she is sending pictures and telling you face to face! Your other friends who haven’t been told and are in the same situation have realised this could be a difficult subject and aren’t bombarding you with insensitive messages and pictures so why is she?? Saying it was hard to conceive after a few months of trying when she knows what you have been through is just plain nasty!!
I would have to reconsider this friendship in all honesty.

I think you need to be really upfront with her. Different situation but when my twins passed away last year after birth, I was bombarded with baby pics from a friend of her newborn nephews who also did this when I had a miscarriage before their death. I wish i had said something to her but I felt like I was being unreasonable. You are fully entitled to pull away, but I'd imagine you are trying to be "happy" for her and I get it. A true friend will understand. I also wish you much peace on this journey. Ive had a horrific few years regarding pregnancy too, different situation to yours and many don't realise it until they are experiencing it. Sending you lots of strength xxx

YANBU. If I were pregnant I’m not sure I’d feel the need to send any photos, or anything other than “yes, all going fine thanks” if anyone asked.

Absolutely you can. It’s so hard. It used to spin me out getting these kind of notifications until I’d processed my situation and accepted it.

I can now be really happy. You prob cannot as your still in it. And there still lots of hope for you it sounds.

I think you say just what you have that you do t want to lose the friendship but need her sensitivity. It’s not your problem at all if she hasn’t got others to tell. That’s on her. You dont need to provide that ever, especially at the moment

You are not unreasonable at all - I hope she can hear you with an open mind.

This!!!

Please do tell her. If I were acting like your friend I would want you to tell me, and the longer you'd put up with it the worse I would feel.

That’s ok, you can catch up at a later date, it sounds you will withdraw from this friendship anyway so try to assert what you need to give it a chance.

i can’t help thinking the friends level of insensitivity may be why she’s lacking other friends to tell!!

She has told her the situation though, and more than the other friends know!!

If you won the lottery would you need to be told not to send pictures of all your purchases to your friend who you knew had lost their job and had mountains of credit card debt??

Not unreasonable at all.

Honestly, who sends baby bump photos to friends? Even if it wasn’t completely insensitive in your circumstances, it’s so self-obsessed.

100% agree with a nicely worded text message. Maybe something along the lines “hey x, I hope you are doing well, I just wanted to let you know that we had some more bad news around ttc, for now while I’m processing could i request less pregnancy pictures / bump photos. I am so happy for you but obviously super sad for us.”

Pregnancy can be quite scary and lonely so probably just wants some support.

It's ok if you're unable to give it but you do have to let her know. Not everyone has much awareness about infertility- if you've not spent a lot of time online or with anyone struggling you wouldn't necessarily think you have to hide your pregnancy. Equally she might have feisnds who aren't bothered in your situation and assume you're the same.

A kind message wishing her the best but asking for some space could go down well, equally it'll be hard to pick the friendship back up when there's a baby born.

This close friendship is probably over. What will happen when the baby is born? You can't say I will see you, but I don't want to see the baby!

So sorry OP and totally understand how you are feeling, absolutely send the message, I would be very clear and just say “hi x I am so happy for you and your pregnancy but receiving pictures and updates is too hard for me at the moment. Sorry I can’t be there to share your excitement”. I remember when I was in the worst of it I found some articles online to send too that really captured how I was feeling as I’m not great at expressing it

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. We struggled to conceive for a year, during which time various friends were pregnant, then finally manged to get pregnant and baby is now 6 days old. As much as I want to tell the world about her, if someone was struggling I'd absolutely want to know and would be more than happy to hold off on the pictures and updates. It would be well within my power to find other things to talk about with that person too.

I know from experience - (baby twins deaths at birth) that you will eventually go see the baby but on your own terms. Like the op, I was bombarded by certain people of pics of babies and ultrasounds when my baby sons died last year. It was like they thought it would cure my grief or something. My sil was due the same month as me and I did go see the baby but when I was ready. It was different to waking up to 20 cute photos of how baby is doing and me just thinking my boys should be doing this.

I've definitely been there. I found the mute option super helpful on group chats (maybe slightly awkward on solo chats) and I could look at everything on days I felt strong enough and feel like part of the group but on tougher days it was such a relief not to have notifications. It is definitely a turning point in a friendship, my best friend and I were pregnant together and then I miscarried and she now has a 4 year old, sadly pregnancy hasn't happened again for me. It took a very long time and I struggled to be present when she was right in the thick of pregnancy and motherhood which was hard for her because she was having a tough time