to ask friend not to send pregnancy photos

[puddleofpuppies]

DH and I have been ttc for several years and we are now at a point where we have been told that unless we use donor gametes we will not be able to have children. I am completely devastated and have been struggling a lot to the point where I am on anti-depressants and find every day difficult. It is particularly difficult at the moment as I've just turned 40 and I have 2 SIL and three of my closest friends who are all pregnant. I desperately want to find joy in their happiness but I am finding it incredibly difficult – it feels like a punch in the gut every time I get a pregnancy photo or update.

Two pregnant friends who I haven't spoken to about what I'm going through (but I think they have guessed) are being sensitive – they both let me know by text and haven't been sending updates or mentioning it unless I ask how it is going. My other friend, who I am closest to and who I have spoken to about what I am going through in quite a lot of detail previously, is the opposite. She told me in person and is sending me all the scan pictures and baby bump photos. I know that she is excited and I want to share in that excitement so, so much, but I'm not coping and am finding myself pulling away from the friendship. This makes me sad as it feels like yet another thing that infertility has stolen – the ability to feel joy for my friends and be excited and happy for them. I bought her some really lovely baby gifts when she announced her pregnancy and I haven't said anything about how I am feeling about everything but it's just so difficult.

Would I be unreasonable to send a gently worded message just explaining how I'm feeling and asking her to hold off on sending photos? I haven't done anything about it yet as I don't want to make her feel bad for being excited about something she has every right to be over the moon about, and I don't want to take the joy out of the experience for her. I know she doesn't have a lot of close friends and I desperately don't want to upset her or make her feel uncomfortable about her pregnancy, but I just don't know what to do.

Not unreasonable at all. I think it's weird sending scan photos to anybody at all unless they've specifically requested to see them. And photos of the bump is just ridiculous.

It’s natural for her to be excited and share with her friends but I do think you should send the text.

You need to tell her
Because you’ve put on a brave face and been excited for her she will think you are ok and that you like it
if you are very good friends then she might think she is helping you by sharing everything with you - ie you can’t have your own child at the moment so you can share every part of hers so you don’t feel so sad and left out and you can be involved with everything.
Obviously that’s not going to work but it might be how she might think she’s helping

Do you have any mutual friends who can have a quiet word with her?

Yes, you need to tell her. If you’re acting excited then that’s probably why she keeps sending you the photos and updates, she obviously doesn’t realise that you’re finding it difficult and thinks you’re excited and happy, because that’s what you’re showing her. Obviously it would have been easier if she was intuitive enough to recognise that you might find it difficult to hear this, but not everybody is always good at seeing things from another’s perspective. If she’s a good friend it’s unlikely she is trying to upset you or is deliberately being insensitive, sometimes when you’re living with something that feels huge to you it can seem like it must be obvious to everybody else how you feel and what you will find uncomfortable or upsetting but that isn’t always the case.

I’ll also add that some of the things you’re upset by and feel were insensitive don’t feel incentive to me, for example I would much prefer to hear news I might find hard in person than over text! I think it was insensitive of your other friends to send a text, that you might pick up at any time and would have to process there and then when you could be at work or alone etc, than to share in person. That perhaps just goes to show that everyone is different, but your friend isn’t a mind reader and can’t necessarilly know what you need if you don’t tell her and she especially can’t know if you are acting excited in response to her updates when that’s not how you really feel. If someone responded positively to updates I was sending them I would assume they wanted more and send more accordingly!

I think this could be it... I didn't actually think of it like this before. She is generally a really thoughtful person and so it felt out of character, but it could well be that she is going out of her way to make me feel included in everything?

I would be so sad to lose this friendship, but I also just don't know how to move forward and I don't understand how the dynamic will work with the way I feel. I'm in so much pain and it's so difficult to not let it affect everything. I don't want to lose friends because of infertility. I don't want to not be happy or not share in friends pregnancies. I don't want to be with my nephews and nieces and just feel sad and like I'm missing out. Everything is just so fucking hard right now.

If she's as good a friend as you say speak to her. She's probably just super excited and is sending the same stuff to everyone. It's always difficult because she may also be worried that if she sends to everyone and excludes you that you'll feel excluded and isolated.

It's totally understandable to say something carefully worded. 1 million percent. You've had bad news, you're so happy for her but you're struggling as someone above posted.

But remember to expect what you put out there. I sincerely hope you get your little miracle, I'm so sorry you've been through infertility. But if you withdraw and ask not to talk about pregnancy etc, it would be unfair for you to expect more from them should your miracle happen. I've seen it before where a member struggling has banned pregnancy talk, doesn't want to see pregnant people, doesn't want to meet baby, but then gets pregnant and expects everyone to be obsessed with them and their pregnancy and hosting baby showers etc when she couldn't even bring herself to congratulate friends on their new arrival when was them.

If you want this friendship to have a chance, talk to her. Otherwise you’ll just gradually drift apart - what sort of a friendship is it when you have to fake your emotions half the time?

You mention your two SILs being pregnant in your OP.

Do they know about the infertility? Are they updating you and your husband?

I’m so sorry to hear of your grief, OP.

Yes, absolutely send a message. I did the same when my friends sent me baby gender reveal photos after I had a miscarriage. We all felt we were able to honour our friendship with honesty and authenticity, and most of all with grace for each other and our vulnerabilities and shortcomings.

I wanted to say, as well, that I don’t think infertility has robbed you of joy for your friend. It sounds very much like you do feel joy for them. It’s just that you are also in pain. It is a difficult tension to navigate, and I’m sure you do it with incredible grace and patience. Be kind to yourself, as well as your friends.

Being pregnant is a very personal journey. I don’t know many people at all who have shouted about it from the rooftops, or spoken at length about it. There isn’t an enormous amount of “sharing” in my experience, perhaps because it is such a sensitive area for so many. I think that sometimes what we think having joy and excitement for our friends in this stage of life “should” look like when we are feeling such grief, is bigger/more intense than what it would otherwise be like if we were not constrained from “joining in” by grief.

I think there must be a way to tell your friend that you are there for her, happy for her, but you are really struggling with your mental health, and that seeing the pictures is triggering for you.

I have been in your friends shoes and it is first and foremost on my mind to be sensitive with friends who are struggling to conceive. The excitement can be hard to keep check of, but she must have family she can offload excitement onto.

Asking her to go easy on the bulletins for the reasons you've laid out is not in the least bit unreasonable and, gently, I'm worried for you that you seem to be in a headspace where you even think it might be. The kind, considerate friend you describe will understand this and won't be offended at being asked. If she is offended, she's neither kind nor considerate and you've learned a valuable lesson about her. I'm your age and have had friends whose pregnancies have made them incredibly self-involved and unreasonable, though, so I suppose there's an outside chance she's turned into one of those. But again, if that's true, you've lost little. What's certainly true is that her comms are hurting you, and that's not something you have to bear the burden of.

Do it now before baby is here, otherwise both sides could be struggling and clear communication will be a lot harder.

There is also a way for photos not to load automatically on WhatsApp. You need to click it to download. An alternative could be to do this and then just say 'ahh lovely' or wait until you are ready to actually press 'open'.

It would be sad if you isolated yourself. You need to find a balance with your friendships.

You sound lovely OP and I’m sorry for what you are going through. I would absolutely send her the message. If she is a good friend she will understand.

A friend of mine had issues with conceiving and went through IVF. Despite knowing I was going through the same as her she sent me updates all through her pregnancy as she felt that she didn’t like people assuming her feelings needed to be protected in that way when she was struggling to conceive. I on the other hand found it difficult to have those pregnancy updates from her.

Firstly I feel for you and what you are going through.This friend seems a little OTT TBH. I would say " Hi Jill ,good to hear your news ,however am finding it a bit tough going ATM.I love you am pleased ,but I am in a difficult place here .Maybe hold off the photos ATM.Thank you and wishing you all the best .

You wouldn't be unreasonable at all to say that

She sounds insensitive

This is how you tell her. Everything you have said here
Give her motives the benefit of the doubt. Tell her you really appreciate her trying to involve you but…
Tell her everything. Tell her you are still there for her but you need your time to grieve just as much as she needs her time to celebrate
If the friendship is strong enough it will last

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine . Absolutely no idea what the hell people were thinking sending you baby pics - it sounds like absolute torture. And I completely understand why you felt you couldn't say anything - happy happy joy joy is the only acceptable reaction to babies and baby news and it is so bloody painful if you are feeling differently and just cannot get on board with the cheerleading. Sending you peace and healing x

Just tell her that you are really happy for her but find her constant pregnancy updates and photos difficult to deal with. If she is a good friend, she will take this on board. If she doesn't react well, you know that the friendship is very one-sided and you can withdraw with a clear conscience.

Yeah I’ve been there, for me it was more due to a number of miscarriages, and being on the end of the ‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat’ I found scan pictures extremely triggering. I knew someone who thought everyone wanted to receive a scan picture every time she went near a hospital and a blow by blow account of her pregnancy to date. A mutual friend actually interceded on my behalf, but some people really have to have this pointed out to them, that you can be happy and aware they are pregnant and not need every single detail

@puddleofpuppies Really, who gives a pschitt about other people’s baby bump pics!
So bloody self obsessed of them to think that anyone wants to see a bulging abdomen.

We knew two couples who went through masses of fertility treatments
Both couples got two children apiece and then promptly split up which seems nuts.

The reality of kids “on the ground” as opposed to the nebulous idea of a hypothetical “baby “ were very different.

It wasn’t the reality they had imagined.

No! You are not unreasonable. I have been in your position, it hurts. Ask her to please respect your feelings. You are grieving. I feel for you so much but please don't give up hope. We were told we would never have children. We saw a specialist who gave us a glimmer of hope, we had 20% chance... ivf worked, twice. It seemed impossible but we got there. Praying you get there too. Lots of love x

YANBU at all to ask them to limit the pics etc (I don’t think I showed anyone apart from my own parents/the Grandparents my scan pics, why would anyone else be interested for a start? 🤣)

But gently maybe it would be good for you to pull back slightly from the friendship anyway for a bit? Especially if it’s a first child or a very long awaited one, I tend to find parents are even worse about constantly talking about their child after they are born (I include myself in this btw so I’m not shaming anyone- my only child was born after 10 fertility treatments over many years so I have a lot of sympathy for you OP ).

Its just that through the baby/young toddler years your child often becomes nearly all you’ve got to talk about (because you rarely are able to do anything much without them), but that will hopefully change as the child gets older. Just a thought, maybe that won’t be the case for you and your friends - but even though I suffered from infertility I still find myself talking about my toddler to my childless friends as I just can’t avoid it 😢 as most of my day to day life now revolves around him.

I would definitely tell her OP. I'm sure people would be happy to help you with the wording if needed.