To get the rage at people - baby not sleeping

[BabyShock879]

I have a 4 month old who has never been a great sleeper and is just getting worse actually. God I get so much judgment.

Friends are getting annoyed at me not coming out for coffees or dinners more often. I can manage 1 or 2 socials a week but not more. I'm bone crushingly tired and breastfeeding, I don't want to do my makeup, drink alcohol and stay out late. It's been 4 months, I'm not exactly missing out. I'm mid 30s but none of my friends have babies yet, they have no clue.

Family keeps asking every day how did baby sleep last night. I keep getting told stories about x and y whose baby slept 12 hours from 12 weeks. They have so much garbage advice. I'm at fault apparently because I am with him too much. Where the fuck am I going to go???

My mum thinks I'm too affectionate with the baby. Apparently I kiss him and hug him too much. OK.

None of these wonderful relatives have held him for more than 2 minutes or babysat even once. The last time any of them spent more than an hour with a baby was 35 years ago but that somehow makes them experts.

I can deal with the sleep deprivation. But why does everyone insist on making me feel shit about it????

And don't get me started on breastfeeding - my dad recently said "you'd better not be breastfeeding after 6 months, he doesn't need it anymore then".

I'd tell your friends to get a life, there's more to going out drinking & waking up with a bad hangover in your 30s. How boring of them.

None of these wonderful relatives have held him for more than 2 minutes or babysat even once. The last time any of them spent more than an hour with a baby was 35 years ago but that somehow makes them experts.

Maybe when they start with the advice, this is the message you need to be getting across. Not in an aggressive way, but morelike cheers Aunt Joyce, your help and advice is all good and well but it'd be better if they supported you with action rather than words? Can you take baby for a few hours XYZ and I can manage to get some sleep? You'll soon see them stop telling you their way is better when you give them opportunity to prove it!

You simply cannot kiss and cuddle a baby too much, what an awful comment to make!!! I have two kids under the age of 3, and I would rather boil my head than go to any of the social events you’re describing. Why? Because I have no energy, and no sleep, so if I do get a free hour to myself, I’m using it for myself! Don’t worry - it gets easier but in the first 1-9 months you’re still in the mode where you think you can merge your old life and your new life. You’ll reshuffle what matters to you eventually.

My mum thinks I'm too affectionate with the baby. Apparently I kiss him and hug him too much

the ONLY advice I ever give a new parent is that you can never kiss and hug your baby too much.

ignore friends, relatives. Every baby is different and sometimes they are just crap sleepers. I hope you get some more support.

As for the friends, anyone moaning at you; sorry to say but those people are not longer your people. Your people change through your life, and the ones moaning, well their time has been and gone.

I remember those days. Much sympathy. I would tell people not to comment on the sleep. Change the subject. Tell them it’s not helpful. Mine were crap sleepers and it really just takes over everything. I remember literally hating one of my friends when she told me her daughter slept until 8am.

i remember it did get worse around 4 months and I had awful styes from being so run down. It did get better though, so hang on in there.

For me, getting out and about was essential for my health. Even if I did look like shit. So maybe try and get out a bit more. Even just for a walk. I remember walking to meet my husband off the train from work and walking to get my lunch each day just to get out of the house and have some form of routine.

Keep posting here and maybe try and go to some baby groups.

If you're going out one or twice a week with friends that is actually loads for someone with a very young baby.

The sleep will get easier, just don't engage with chat about it, and remember when all your friends have babies that all babies are different and your helpfully meant advice will enrage them in exactly the same way your family's is enraging you now .

Oh you poor thing - it's awful of you have a none sleeper - and the hard facts are that babies are different and there are just some who don't sleep well

It does get better and you are right to focus on yourself and baby

if you could find a way to ask directly for help " I'm really struggling, she's a bad sleeper ( you can throw in guff about the HV being 100%happy that you are doing everything right it's just the type of baby you have ) , I can't go out but if you want to come and make me a dinner or bring some freezer dinners over for me to microwave " - don't wait for people to guess because they have no notion

I'd struggle with 1-2 socials a week and my "babies" are old enough to babysit themselves.

It sounds like they're lifestyle friends and you're outgrowing them. Good friends have enough in common to ride out these kinds of differences.

People can be very irrational tits about breastfeeding.

You are not being unreasonable. All these people are being ridiculous.

The thing about your dad saying 'you'd better not...' would get to me. On the one hand I get that sometimes other people have valuable experience to share. I also get that relatives sometimes find it difficult I think to see us struggling with our DC but not taking their advice because they think 'well if they just did what we suggest instead of complaining, they'd solve the issue and be fine'. But on the other hand, this advice doesn't always work, or if it does comes at too high a cost in terms of stopping us from parenting the way we actually want to.

As for your friends... yeah they really don't get it. If they are really friends they will listen to you when you explain you are at your limit and need more patience from them. Incidentally it sounds like you are doing wonderfully - you're seeing friends way more than a lot of people in your position manage so I really don't see how your friends can possibly complain. For the first few months of my DC's life I basically did nothing of value socially - shut myself away most of the time (which was a total mistake and made me more miserable). Good on you.

I would advise trying to get out a bit and get to baby groups. You'll meet people at the same stage of life then and not feel so alone. Don't worry if you're Tired or a mess and your baby cries, everyones in the same boat. Since having my baby I've made soooo many mum friends and I save the mum chat for them, they get it and are so understanding and we are comrades. The childless friends I keep schtum. In time they'll understand.

Omg I would also get the rage at people!! What a bunch of arseholes! You are doing nothing wrong ffs!

You have my sympathy, mine were shocking sleepers for years (sorry).

We went away for a weekend and mum babysat - she said she’d have dd sleeping through the night when we got back.

She didn’t. And she was wrecked. And she was understanding and sympathetic after that.

With the benefit of hindsight (and many years of good sleep since) I should have made some changes when they were maybe 6 months plus to encourage them to self settle, but at 4 months nope. You’re good.

Mine was like this OP.

I’m not sure I resumed ‘evenings out’ in any serious capacity until they were 18 months old. The lack of sleep meant it was too difficult.

How are they at sleeping in a sling? We did lots of walks at this age… although noting with the weather as it is, that’s not a brilliant option either.

Unless you’ve had a bad sleeper it’s hard to understand. I still see women with newborns in prams at lunch or whatever and feel a pang of jealousy - no way I’d get away with that! I think mine first slept in a pram allowing me a meal at 10 months.

Don't take any notice of people complaining about not going out. Some people may want to socialise I didn't either. They will just have to accept this and stop complaining until you are ready how ever long that might be. I would stop going out once or twice a week as well as you are finding it hard. You don't have to go out to please other people. You are doing great you can't cuddle and kiss your baby too much that is such a stupid thing to say.

I have similar with my 9 month old. I’m spoiling her, she’s manipulating me, I should let her cry, I should let her sleep in our bed, etc etc etc. Really irritates me when I’m already tired and their advice is just crap.

I'm so sorry that you are surrounded by such dickheads- that's hard enough when you're not sleep deprived.

Unless you actually enjoy the nights out, just... stop. There's a great phrase for new mums: "Sleep over everything." NOTHING is more important than you getting as much sleep as you possibly can at the moment (except your baby, obviously). I was going to bed at 8pm when my baby was 4 months old and I didn't go out to dinner until she was about 8 or 9 months old. She's now 2 and that remains the one time I've been out to dinner since she was born.

Have a stock phrase to shut family down, e.g. "I don't want to talk about it,"; "I'm not asking for advice." Or just tell them they're full of shit, because they are.

Cuddle and kiss your baby as much as you want, breastfeed for as long as you want, sleep as much as you can, and tell everyone else to fuck right off.

I really sympathise.

People who have not had a baby, or had a decent sleeper just do not get it.

With your friends, I would ask yourself whether honestly you'd have reacted the same before having experienced it yourself? But regardless I'd just say that you don't want to lose them but can they be patient as sleep deprivation is a killer and you need some time out.

I only got through it because my DH did so much (combination fed but thats not for everyone) and because my parents and in laws would come round so I could sleep in the early days. I would also be polite but brutally honest with your family and say that instead of their advice, maybe they could help by actually doing something. Other than that I think you just need to ride it out. I think you know when advice is bonkers, but I'd also really try to reflect on whether there are actually nuggets of helpful ideas in advice you get, just in case something does work for you.

I am 10 years on now so wonderfully its a distant memory from many years ago. In fact my DS ended up being a perfect sleeper from 18 months (and did get gradually better before that, don't worry!). But 10 years on I STILL get the rage when I hear the phrase 'sleep when the baby sleeps'!

I'm still breastfeeding my 18 month old and my mum asks me every time I see her when I am planning on stopping.

I also have had 2 non-sleeping babies and I feel your pain! People always ask about sleep but honestly why, it's the most boring topic in the world and there's nothing you can do about it if you have a non-compliant baby. All I can tell you is it does get better. My eldest is now 6 and he goes to bed nicely. I keep having to remind myself of that with my 18mo that this is a phase and it won't last forever.

Bin off the friends and the nights out. They should be making more effort to fit around you. When they have babies they will realise but they will also probably say no to nights out etc and not bend over backwards like you're doing right now. That's been my experience anyway!

Not a court in the land would convict you OP, but if you need an alibi just let me know.

4 months on my eldest was a real low point. I can't believe you're managing to see friends every week, that's amazing. Go you.

I feel your pain. My first DC was a terrible sleeper, my second slept like a dream. So many well meaning people told me it was all down to being a more experienced Mum, but it absolutely wasn't - they just had different temperaments from birth. They're in their thirties now - DC1 is high stress, DC2 super chilled.

Oh and when eldest was about that age, FIL commented that we never left her to cry, we were spoiling her, all that. Then ten minutes later she whinged on her play mat and when we took a beat to pick her up he gave out to us for not comforting the poor child.

My third is five months next week and the worst sleeper of the three.
Even on my third baby, I still get people telling me I should be doing this or that, or how their child/grandchild etc slept through from whatever age. Like honestly why tell me these things, I am trying everything! Despite this, no matter what, I am up every hour from 1am with a difficult to settle baby.

I've decided if it's no better by 6 months I will be sleep training. I did with my other two at slightly older ages and it was hard for a few nights, but not terrible and worth it on the long run. The irony is that I really didn't want to have to go through it again and tried to do everything 'right' this time round, only for him to be the worst sleeper of them all!

Kiss your baby. Tell them to shush when making negative comparisons. When relatives take a walk down memory lane to their perfect, organised, sleeping baby days hand them the baby! Say "thanks, you obviously have all the answers, I'm away for a kip, wake me in two hours when the baby's asleep and the housework is done".

Do it! And it does get better, the lack of sleep is such a shock to the system, it's do hard to comprehend when you're not in it.

Mine were the same, and no one can truly understand how constant sleep deprivation can be so debilitating. If your friends don’t have kids they will not understand, they can’t relate what you are going through. But don’t feel bad, and don’t have a need to explain yourself. Just focus on yourself and your baby. You will get through this.

As for your mum, please don’t take her awful, Victorian mentality advice. What a crap thing to say. Babies need all the affection in the world, to help them thrive.