To get the rage at people - baby not sleeping

[BabyShock879]

I have a 4 month old who has never been a great sleeper and is just getting worse actually. God I get so much judgment.

Friends are getting annoyed at me not coming out for coffees or dinners more often. I can manage 1 or 2 socials a week but not more. I'm bone crushingly tired and breastfeeding, I don't want to do my makeup, drink alcohol and stay out late. It's been 4 months, I'm not exactly missing out. I'm mid 30s but none of my friends have babies yet, they have no clue.

Family keeps asking every day how did baby sleep last night. I keep getting told stories about x and y whose baby slept 12 hours from 12 weeks. They have so much garbage advice. I'm at fault apparently because I am with him too much. Where the fuck am I going to go???

My mum thinks I'm too affectionate with the baby. Apparently I kiss him and hug him too much. OK.

None of these wonderful relatives have held him for more than 2 minutes or babysat even once. The last time any of them spent more than an hour with a baby was 35 years ago but that somehow makes them experts.

I can deal with the sleep deprivation. But why does everyone insist on making me feel shit about it????

And don't get me started on breastfeeding - my dad recently said "you'd better not be breastfeeding after 6 months, he doesn't need it anymore then".

Bin off the friends and the nights out. They should be making more effort to fit around you.

I disagree with this - don't "bin off" your friends, and don't assume they should be fitting their adult lives around your non sleeping baby . Just go out with them when you have the energy - you will not be stuck at home in a baby bubble forever, and you will be glad you didn't burn bridges.

Having poor sleepers is just the worst - and friends without kids or who had good sleepers really can't get it (through no fault of their own!). I remember actively looking forward to the 8 week jabs with my first as I'd heard loads of stories about how babies would sleep really well for a day or two afterwards - sadly not to be for us!

I've no real productive advice as I had the same problems with older relatives and it wasn't until I was far more experienced and confident that with hindsight I knew the best thing was to say a breezy thanks and ignore it all, even though I was told at the time - but lots of sympathy. It does get better, and beyond lowering your standards and enjoying cuddly naps with trashy TV if you can I don't think there's often that much that can be done with babies that little.

Just remember you're doing the best job and you know your baby and what he needs most. Cuddle and kiss him all you like...don't compare yourself to others or your baby to other babies. You do you, try and drown out the noise from others. You got this x

People who don’t have children have no idea.

People whose children are grown up have entirely forgotten what it was like.

Not all babies are the same. But a 4 month old not sleeping well is ENTIRELY normal.

The only person who gets to decide about breastfeeding your baby is you.

Set your boundaries politely, with a pleasant tone of voice and with a resolution of IRON.

I have found that you can say anything you like if you say it politely with a smile.

PS you don’t have to tell the truth, you can say the baby is sleeping well if it gives you a quiet life.

Argh I’m so sorry OP and so annoyed on your behalf. Nothing makes the endless difficulty of a poor sleeper worse than other people acting like it’s something you just need to get sorted (as if it were that bloody easy!).

So much solidarity from me, a fellow mother of a shit sleeper who did eventually just get better with time. Hang in there and if you tell them all to fuck off you’d get no judgment from me 😂

I remember those days and crying so much. I hope someone offers to babysit

I remember those days, don't try and keep up with the childless friends I think you are doing just great getting out the house occasionally at the moment.

Any baby groups near you? Might be a bit more supportive.

I did deploy on repeat a few one liners on the whole "advice" situation.

It's one of the worst things about being a parent everyone's sudden entitlement to an opinion. Just ignore them, do what you think is best. My son was a crap sleeper, he improved when we dropped night feeds (obviously a bit older than yours) and when we dropped dummy. The other trick is to teach them to fall asleep independently so you put him down slightly awake and he puts himself to sleep. Once he learns that he will be able to do it in the middle of the night. But 4m is still pretty young. What's your dp doing? We tag teamed, I slept 7pm- 1am (dh gave an expressed bottle) and dh slept roughly 12-7.

Ignore the bf comment. I bf until 14 months . A year is fairly typical but do what works for you.

At 4m I wasn’t seeing my friends without kids much more just special occasions but I did message and check in regularly. Do it if it benefits you but if you're too tired be honest.

You need to learn to tune out and ignore the ridiculous advice - nod and smile, change the subject. Ignore texts asking how baby slept. Don't worry about friends who think you should go out more. Do what you need to do and don't justify it to anybody. If you want your relatives to look after baby for a few hours so you can nap, ask them. Don't wait for people to offer, they rarely do!

People whose children are grown up have entirely forgotten what it was like.

@YeGodsandLittleFishies My "child" is 29 now and I can assure you that is not entirely true!

Funnily enough DH and I were just helping DD to take her stuff home after staying with us over Christmas. She has a pet now so the amount of stuff required has doubled. On our way home we were reminiscing about how hard it was going anywhere with DD as a baby, all the equipment needed to support one small infant.

OP are you on touch with any of the mothers from your antenatal group or are there any baby groups where you can meet people in a similar situation. A weekly daytime meet up with other new mums helped to keep me sane and I certainly wasn't up to other socialising.

Your Mum and Dad are talking through their arses.

Thank you. Re friends, my best friend does not want children, very decisive on this point because she wants an easier life and good career. And weirdly maybe, she is the BEST. She gets it, she brings round coffee and she meets me when I'm up to it.

I think that my friendship circle is indeed sort of narrowing as I am naturally making time for the people I really want to see (and they in turn are the people that are nicest to us). I'm getting kick back from those I am not making time for (because they overstay their welcome or keep wanting last minute late afternoon/evening meet ups which are a pain in the arse with a baby). I think the latter group of people will probably have a shock when/if they have their own. Can't wait for them to discover that no, a 4 month old baby won't just nap in a pram at 8pm in a restaurant and no, he won't settle for a bottle before bed (he takes a bottle in the day which is already more than some breastfed babies, at night the little man really needs the boob).

Yeah definitely bin off the friends so when her baby is sleeping she has no one to see

you have my sympathy mine is three weeks with reflux if i feed him for more than 10mins he will vomit entire feed .This means he is hungry every hour maybe a hour half if i am lucky .We got carobel from the pharmacy so thankfully been able to get 2hrs. But when your breastfeeding every hour with a baby that hardly sleeps rip

I remember advice of let them cry it out with my eldest and yes her sleep did get better but i felt terrible.Is it really the right thing to encore your instincts and not comfort your child.You learn so much by listening to every cry and whimper.You learn what means what,i tossed that advice with my second. Babys need your love to know what love is

Yeah theres some good advice out there but some people are just so out of touch.Make sure you trust your instincts

We have a whatsapp group with our extended family.

When we had a baby, some older family members used this as a forum to give unsolicited parenting advice (which was often outdated, against current guidelines and against our views as patents).

After a few instances, I started goggling 'unsolicited parenting advice memes' and just sent those as a reply.

I got some comments about how I didn't need to be so blunt, but it did the trick after I kept repeating it.

Ok I will rephrase. Bin off the selfish moaners who aren't interested in changing their own schedules in order to maintain a friendship that is apparently so important to them.

There are loads of ways to keep seeing someone when she becomes a parent that aren't demanding she shows up for nights out. Unless you're unimaginative, boring, lack empathy or perhaps all three.

Of course keep friendships that actually, you know, treat you like a friend who has just been through something life-changing.

@CoraTheExplora or maybe you realise some people weren't really friends, you just had similar lives at the same time and when something changes you got nothing in common anymore

I haven't even got a baby and I still can't be arsed with all that going out on the piss etc, so can imagine how low it must be on your list of priorities right now - especially if all you get when you do meet up with folk is a load of unwelcome and largely useless advice. I would be tempted to just tell them talk is cheap, and that if they want advice privileges they need to actively help out too. But maybe you're looking for a more diplomatic solution. Either way, you sound knackered, which is of course going to make any irritation feel way worse. Maybe you're hyper-sensitive right now, but I don't think that makes you unreasonable.

My stock response to anyone who wants to give me unsolicited parenting advice, especially with regards to sleep is "right ok I'll consider that". I treat it a bit like when people tell me I really should watch the late TV prog that I'm never going to watch.

I never went out in the evening before my toddler was 21 month. I only have once or twice. Most of my friends don't have children but understand my life is different to theirs. I mean, of course it is, I have a child!

All babies are different! My brother could sleep on a washing line, from birth. The second his head touched something soft he was out. Me? Nope! Absolute nightmare in a nappy. I didn’t have naps either. To this day, at even at 40 years old and after becoming a lone parent, I still need help to sleep more than 3 hours. My brother & I have the same parents and had the same parenting. So those idiots blaming you are talking nonsense!
My baby slept all night from birth but getting her to sleep is an entirely different thing and can often take until the early hours in itself. Same as a baby and still the case now.

And as the midwives say - sleep when baby naps. It will help.

I once had a really great person, very genuine and kind asking me what's it like to be a mother to a baby because she has a friend in her friend circle who just had a baby and since then she doesn't do lots of stuff with them.
I had to explain to her that being in a state of an insomnia induced zombie-like haze is not exactly compatible with social life. She's still their friend but one that right now has other priorities and issues and believe me, she would dearly swap one day of her life for my friend's day.
@BabyShock879 , just ignore them. Do whatever suits you. Get the rest when needed and tune out all that shitty advice.

Have you tried....
This phrase would give me the rage. I tell someone I have a child who doesn't sleep, they consider it for 10 seconds and they have the solution! Silly me I never thought about playing music or changing feeding times despite spending every waking minute trying to find a solution. It sounds this is also what your family are doing, seeing a problem and wanting to be the superior one that solves it.

When a friend was expecting her mother (a new mother in 1970s) told her that when people ask about baby sleeping it's best to lie and just say good thanks. I thought this was so dishonest and bizarre but I see the point a bit. I think maybe you should just shut down the conversation about it for the sake of your own stress levels. Don't explain yourself to people, sorry I can't make it should suffice. Your friends are frustrated that they have lost you but they clearly have no idea what motherhood is like. Someday they might understand and hopefully be embarrassed by their behaviour now.

Also don't engage in correspondence so often. Tell them you are setting aside certain times to respond to messages once or twice a week. This will hopefully stop the daily contact.

I should add, acquaintances with babies who are good sleepers can be as thoughtless as those without children. Some take credit for their child's good behaviour. I had a friend and even now (babies are teens) it gives me the rage to remember how smug she was that hers slept 7 to 7 and a 2 hour map. She told everyone it was because she had a good routine. She was exercising regularly, getting her nails done etc and everyone was telling her how amazing she looked. She would say well it's important to make time for yourself and not let yourself go. Meanwhile I became a shell of myself, I still to this day wonder if the damage was permanent but obviously that's because I didn't have the right routine or enough self pride 🙄

Smile and nod, smile and nod, and ignore them all.

Honestly, people have no idea how annoying they are with their “advice”. I used to say “I don’t want advice, I’m just venting…”

Poor you.

your family are especially being shit. Guessing your friends are childless and don’t understand.

it will get better.