I don't like my step-sister because we were always compared

[Playlayla]

I'm 26 now, I have a 3 year old son, I'm single and my life is a little bit of a mess. My mum met my step dad when both my step sister and I were 9, they moved in together when we were 11 and we went to the same secondary school.

My stepsister and I were like chalk and cheese. I hated sports (enjoyed reading and films), she played tennis and snowboarded and was good at running. Her mum was no longer in her life (had moved back to her home country). So based on this she got first call on everything, she got to pick which bedroom she wanted, a lot of the money the house had went on her hobbies. Admittedly she was a very good tennis player, played at national events and did well, even played junior Wimbledon for example, but her coaching and camps in Spain etc all took up a lot of money and time.
My stepsister also won the genetic lottery. Her dad is Scandinavian and her mum is Italian so in what lots would call the best luck she is tall, slightly tanned and has naturally blonde hair. She was often called the fittest girl in our year.
She was always nice to me, even now she still is nice to me.

My mum used to compare me to her all the time, I am short, was never really slim. My hair for most of my teen years was frizzy and uncontrollable (found curly girl method now thankfully). My mum would say that I should be more like her all the time, point out how I'd never get a boyfriend looking like I do etc.

My mum also used to ask my cousin who was a year above us at school who was more popular, more liked out of us etc.
Neither of us really ran with the "popular" crowd but she was very well liked, very much a social butterfly, no one ever bullied her. The boys wanted to be with her and the girls wanted to be her. She was also smart, we got pretty much the same results at A-level and GCSE, which for most kids would have been insanely good but because she did it while playing tennis competitively, running at national competitions for school etc. my achievement was overlooked.

Since we became adults it's been easy to keep distance, she did a gap year, year abroad and another gap year at the end so has been out the country more than in. However the last 2 years she's been in the same city as me and I've found it really hard. She often messages asking to meet for lunch/a drink or to meet me and my DS and go to the park. I always say no as I'm so jealous of her.

My mum still compares us. Her life is much more exciting than mine. She had to give up competing as she got two really bad injuries and then Covid happened and she fell out of love with the competitive side but now she plays for fun, has friends with memberships at exclusive clubs. She surfs in the summer (learnt on her Australian gap year), snowboards in the winter. She is a sports performance analyst and a coach so between her day job and side hustle she earns a lot more than I do and has a lovely life to show for it. She is also still gorgeous, has abs etc. She never lacks in men wanting her and her current partner (now fiancé) treats her like she's a princess.
My mum is always saying "see if you hadn't had a kid so young that would be you" "imagine all the guys you'd get if you looked like her" "your life is so dull that's why I rarely call" (followed by a rant about wherever stepsister has been or what she has been doing).
My mum and step dad paid for us to all come to Australia for new year, step sisters fiancé is Australian so his family are hosting us. We still have 2 weeks to go and I hate it so much. Everything is about how amazing step sister and her fiancé are. They are lovely but I don't know how much more I can take. It's aren't they gorgeous this, their kids will be beautiful that and so on. I've resorted to just taking DS out alone but now I'm getting accused of being rude and anti social. But I don't want to be told how beautiful/smart/successful they are.

AIBU to not like her? What do I do? I really just want to go home and never see her or my mum again!

I totally understand you not wanting to have anything to do with your mother - she sounds like a real piece of work! - but what has your step-sister done to you? From what you've written, it seems like she likes you and wants to spend time with you and your DS. I genuinely understand your feelings of jealousy towards her - it's really hard when some people seem to breeze through life with all of nature's advantages, but I think your feelings of resentment lie in the way your mother has treated you respectively and the way she's always comparing you unfavourably to your step-sister (and this isn't your step-sister's fault either). Have you considered talking to your step-sister about all of this and how it's left you feeling so resentful?

It’s not her fault that your mum treated you like that. I’d take time to get to know her as an adult before making that decision. If you can be friends, it would be healthier for you.

My parents would praise me and by omission, not praise my sister. They didn’t do it as blatantly as your situation in that they didn’t make direct comparisons, but they would say things like ‘Oh CatParadise is so sweet and kind’, or ‘So-and-so said CatParadise is so pretty’, while my sister was right there and they never said the same about her. To this day I can feel she resents me for it, even though I didn’t ask for that nor did I revel in it. It feels like crap tbh, I never wanted that and I would cringe whenever they did it. Growing up I didn’t know how to handle it so I just ignored it and hoped my sister wouldn’t be too hurt. I’m younger by 9 years in our case.

It sounds to me like your SS has done nothing wrong and it’s your mum who is the problem and whom you should be distancing yourself from.

I was the forgotten child with my step sister being the star. She didn’t do anything wrong, but I resented her. Maybe take a step back from family life and find your own relationship with her separately. But if you don’t want her in your life that’s ok. You aren’t actually sisters.
Can you change your flight and just go home?

Your Mum is the problem here, not your Step Sister.

I think you need to talk to your mum. Tell her that she makes a lot of negative comparisons between you and SS, and that it upsets you.

Is your mum a person that will listen? If you told her how hurtful you find the constant comparisons, would she change or stop or would she double down and accuse you of being jealous? Only you know your mum. Perhaps it might be worth taking to your step father because from where I see it, your step sister isn't the problem it's your mother chopping you down.

I think you should cut down contact with your mum. She sounds toxic.

Your DSS didn't do anything wrong and she is probably not aware of how you feel about her. If being around makes you feel bad about yourself, you can of course distance yourself.

I'd cancel your trip to Australia.

I think it's natural that this anger at the situation comes out "at" your step sister - much easier to hate a step sister than admit your own mother is a horrible piece of work.

But in truth, it sounds like your step sister has done nothing wrong, unlike your mother who sounds awful, so I think you're angry at the wrong person. Cut out your mum, keep the step sister as a mate not a competitor!

Your step sister sounds lovely. Your mother, not so much. I know which one I’d be cutting out of my life…

You're angry at the wrong person.

Your problem is your shitty mother!!!

Your stepsister isn't the problem here, your mum is.

Look back at your op...read it as a stranger and reassess where your issue lies.

Your mother has caused this.

I suspect your stepsister has noticed and is trying to make more effort with you to show she doesn't share your mother's low opinion of you, but unfortunately it's just riling you up because your anger is directed at the wrong person.

I think you need a face to face chat with your stepsister.

I think it's fine to avoid your step sister, none of this is her fault- that lies directly with your mum.
However, being around her clearly stirs up lots of feelings for you. It's ok to prioritise yourself and avoid that. If you want you can always explain that you're not able to see her much atm rather than just saying no.
I completely agree with pp, cut contact with your mum.
Look into some counselling so that you can work on yourself. If you feel up to it in the future you could always try to build bridges with your SS.

The person you should be avoiding is your mother who sounds truly awful.

Everything you describe is that your mother didn't support you during your childhood, and isn't now either .

You would probably be happier if you met up with your sister and stopped communicating with your mother

And if you are feeling brave then directly tell your mother to stop comparing you. And do it in front of everyone so that they all understand the problem

When you say a lot of the household money went on your step sister, who out of your mother and step father was earning this money? Was your step father just providing the things he had always provided for his daughter before he got together with your mother? Was your step father kind to you? Is/was your dad in the picture to be kind to you and provide for you emotionally and financially? You've already said your step-sister was and remains kind and friendly. I think your step sister has done nothing wrong, by your own account. Stop projecting your ire onto her and aim it where is is deserved - your mother is the villain of this piece.

YABU, it's not your step sisters fault.

I get the annoyance of it. My dad compares me and my life to one of my cousins, all the time, and always has done. My cousin is tall, bloody stunning, successful and fantastic as a person. Now, apparently, her new boyfriend is a millionaire and owns oodles of land. Every time she does something new, like go on holiday somewhere lovely with rich boyfriend, my dad starts at me - why am I not doing that? Why don't I want to be like that? (no thought as to whether I'd want to or even could, that man is all about appearances)

But it's not my cousin's fault. She is truly lovely, kind and understanding, and I adore her actually, I feel lucky to have her in the family... It's nice to have her when the rest of my family are not so pleasant. All my cousins are a sanctuary from the previous generation of us, actually..

I'd actually say perhaps try to enjoy your step sister. Things felt better for me when I spent more time with cousin one-on-one.. I realised my dads thoughts didn't matter, there was no reason to compare. It really isn't her fault. Might not stop your mum, but that's a seperate issue. Your mum, like my dad, is just being bloody silly anyway.. My cousin would agree if she knew, and I bet your step sister would too.

The OP is very clear in her writing that it's her mother's fault and not her sister's. I don't know why there are a load of posts saying this as if she doesn't realise.

I think people are just suggesting that rather than cut contact with her step sister, her life would be a lot more pleasant if it was her mother she cut contact with.

Yes your mother should not have told you all the time how much better your step sister is was.Something similar happened to me, but my mother and grandma told me how much better many people where are , I think they believed it though but it made me feel bad about myself.
Now as an adult I realise it's all rubbish hot air.

You need to distance yourself, maybe even speak to your mum about it.I think you need to find that thing you're really good at, I believe you probably do have something you're really good at that step sister isn't good at.Everyone has a talent, you're as good as her, I bet you're a good mum!
Make sure not to do what your mum did to you, to your son.You've already done a really good thing then.
Also try and enjoy small things in life, if you can't change everything yet.
Good luck

Because her AIBU is about not liking her step sister. And that dislike is completely without foundation unless, despite what she writes, she actually is blaming her step sister to some degree for her (seemingly) perfect existence.

I agree with other posters, your SS sounds lovely. Your mum less so. Next time she compares you to SS I'd reply with a 'Yes, she's very lucky to have the parents she has'.

It's such a shame that you and your step sisters relationship hasn't been able to thrive because of your mum. She sounds completely toxic frankly. I have a daughter and I always try to build her up, not knock her down.

Perhaps on the Australia trip you could carve out some time with your sister and tell her how you've been feeling? And be honest about how your mums behaviour has impacted your actions. That way the elephant is out of the room and you can concentrate on having a nice relationship with her as neither of you have done anything wrong!