Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't like my step-sister because we were always compared

73 replies

Playlayla · 05/01/2025 04:29

I'm 26 now, I have a 3 year old son, I'm single and my life is a little bit of a mess. My mum met my step dad when both my step sister and I were 9, they moved in together when we were 11 and we went to the same secondary school.

My stepsister and I were like chalk and cheese. I hated sports (enjoyed reading and films), she played tennis and snowboarded and was good at running. Her mum was no longer in her life (had moved back to her home country). So based on this she got first call on everything, she got to pick which bedroom she wanted, a lot of the money the house had went on her hobbies. Admittedly she was a very good tennis player, played at national events and did well, even played junior Wimbledon for example, but her coaching and camps in Spain etc all took up a lot of money and time.
My stepsister also won the genetic lottery. Her dad is Scandinavian and her mum is Italian so in what lots would call the best luck she is tall, slightly tanned and has naturally blonde hair. She was often called the fittest girl in our year.
She was always nice to me, even now she still is nice to me.

My mum used to compare me to her all the time, I am short, was never really slim. My hair for most of my teen years was frizzy and uncontrollable (found curly girl method now thankfully). My mum would say that I should be more like her all the time, point out how I'd never get a boyfriend looking like I do etc.

My mum also used to ask my cousin who was a year above us at school who was more popular, more liked out of us etc.
Neither of us really ran with the "popular" crowd but she was very well liked, very much a social butterfly, no one ever bullied her. The boys wanted to be with her and the girls wanted to be her. She was also smart, we got pretty much the same results at A-level and GCSE, which for most kids would have been insanely good but because she did it while playing tennis competitively, running at national competitions for school etc. my achievement was overlooked.

Since we became adults it's been easy to keep distance, she did a gap year, year abroad and another gap year at the end so has been out the country more than in. However the last 2 years she's been in the same city as me and I've found it really hard. She often messages asking to meet for lunch/a drink or to meet me and my DS and go to the park. I always say no as I'm so jealous of her.

My mum still compares us. Her life is much more exciting than mine. She had to give up competing as she got two really bad injuries and then Covid happened and she fell out of love with the competitive side but now she plays for fun, has friends with memberships at exclusive clubs. She surfs in the summer (learnt on her Australian gap year), snowboards in the winter. She is a sports performance analyst and a coach so between her day job and side hustle she earns a lot more than I do and has a lovely life to show for it. She is also still gorgeous, has abs etc. She never lacks in men wanting her and her current partner (now fiancé) treats her like she's a princess.
My mum is always saying "see if you hadn't had a kid so young that would be you" "imagine all the guys you'd get if you looked like her" "your life is so dull that's why I rarely call" (followed by a rant about wherever stepsister has been or what she has been doing).
My mum and step dad paid for us to all come to Australia for new year, step sisters fiancé is Australian so his family are hosting us. We still have 2 weeks to go and I hate it so much. Everything is about how amazing step sister and her fiancé are. They are lovely but I don't know how much more I can take. It's aren't they gorgeous this, their kids will be beautiful that and so on. I've resorted to just taking DS out alone but now I'm getting accused of being rude and anti social. But I don't want to be told how beautiful/smart/successful they are.

AIBU to not like her? What do I do? I really just want to go home and never see her or my mum again!

OP posts:
Inertia · 05/01/2025 09:28

I’d think about building a closer relationship with your stepsister and distancing yourself Tom your mother.

buttonousmaximous · 05/01/2025 09:45

Call your mum out every time.

"You could have done xyz like your sister"

"Mum it sounds like you are saying I'm not as good as sister, is that really what you think ?"

"I'm not sister, it will be easier if you stop comparing me to her"

When she responds just stare at her, don't say anything let her talk her way out of it. If you make her feel uncomfortable she is less likely to continue to do it.

Have you tried therapy? Your step sister seems nice, it would be a shame to mis out in the relationship because your mum is a dick. Do you think it would be helpful to talk to your sister about it?

Merryoldgoat · 05/01/2025 09:49

YABU because this is on your mother - not your step sister who by your own admission is nice to you and always has been.

Your mother and stepfather have done this / not her.

How you address it is up to you, but be clear where the blame lies.

CheeseyOnionPie · 05/01/2025 09:51

Your mum is the problem. She’s not only bullied you but spoiled what could have been a lovely step sis relationship. Your SS hasn’t done anything wrong.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/01/2025 09:58

I agree with everyone that your mum is horrible and your step-sister seems nice. I would definitely reduce or cut contact with your mum.

Climbinghigher · 05/01/2025 09:58

It sounds like you need to drop your mum not your step sister.

I would get some therapy if you can - honestly what you are dealing with is hard, and talking to a neutral person will help offload those years of emotions you had to hold in. You will have had to hold onto them more because your step sister is so nice to you

Hopefully with therapy you can then form a better relationship with your step sister who sounds like she can be a positive in your life she sounds like she values you and wants to be part of your life. That’s really positive.

EYP2021 · 05/01/2025 10:04

I think you should plan a day out with your son and SS try and use this holiday to connect with your SS. Do a day out for your son like the zoo or aquarium so your focus can be on the activity and your son. It’s your mum that is the problem. If you can, be honest with your SS at some point. I bet she already knows how you feel but is powerless to stop your mum. I would also look at talking therapies to help you unpack and address these feelings.
All the best xx

Greywarden · 05/01/2025 10:07

Your DM is the number one issue here.
I am horrified to hear how she has spoken to you over the years. I'd find the comparisons she makes, the criticism of your looks and the dismissal of your life as boring to be insufferable.

Sure it is maybe technically a bit harsh of you to blame your step-sister for any of this but I also don't think it is your fault at all to be jealous of her. She sounds like the sort of woman most people would be a bit jealous of, let alone if you were forced by your mum to be locked into a poisonous and perpetual comparison with her.

My only advice would be to keep your distance from all members of you family and ignore their criticisms and complaints. Jealously is such a difficult, destructive emotion and of course ideally you'd find ways to put it aside and focus on your own life, your own future and on your DS. That is easier said than done though and especially hard to do with the way your DM is behaving.

I'm sorry you're in this awful situation.

I can't say enough how appalling your DM is being.

Everydayimhuffling · 05/01/2025 10:07

Stop seeing your mum. See if you can manage the relationship with your stepsister better without your mum in your ear, but if you can't that is fine. You aren't obliged to be in contact with her if you don't want to. Your mum sounds awful.

sushibelt · 05/01/2025 10:08

Your issue is with your mum

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/01/2025 10:19

Good heavens! Your step sister sounds fine. But your mother!!!! What a piece of work.
Step sister hasn't always had it easy. Ultimately she was as good as abandoned by her mother, her sports career was ended with injuries, her step sister is cold to her when she tries to reach out, but the icing on the cake is she has got your mother as her step mother.
Don’t assume someone with a perfect looking life is always happy. Toxic people like your mother have a way of cherry picking details they tell others.
I’m going to level with you. Your unhappiness comes from having a relationship with your mother. It has nothing to do with your step sister.

AngelicKaty · 05/01/2025 11:52

Dandylione · 05/01/2025 09:06

The OP is very clear in her writing that it's her mother's fault and not her sister's. I don't know why there are a load of posts saying this as if she doesn't realise.

Because she's asking AIBU. The majority of people are confirming to her that she is - about her DSS, but not about her DM who is toxic. Clear now?

user87349287657 · 05/01/2025 11:57

Go to lunch with your lovely step sister.
Go as low contact as you can with your horrible mum!

JMSA · 05/01/2025 12:02

But none of it is her fault Sad

You've allowed your toxic mother to deny you having a normal, healthy relationship with your stepsister. And I understand that, growing up. But come on, you're an adult now.

Bizarred · 05/01/2025 12:05

Your mother is the problem, not your stepsister. Cut your mother out, and enjoy your stepsister.

Amomynous · 05/01/2025 12:07

EnterFunnyNameHere · 05/01/2025 08:16

I think it's natural that this anger at the situation comes out "at" your step sister - much easier to hate a step sister than admit your own mother is a horrible piece of work.

But in truth, it sounds like your step sister has done nothing wrong, unlike your mother who sounds awful, so I think you're angry at the wrong person. Cut out your mum, keep the step sister as a mate not a competitor!

Agree

Vaxtable · 05/01/2025 12:11

I would have a quite word jointly with your mum amd step father and tell them why you are upset. Explain that you are sick of the hurtful comments and lack of support from your mum. By calling her out in front of your step father your Mum can’t then lie to him about the conversation.

Does your mum have much to do with your child? If she doesn’t say that as well

Would it be worthwhile asking them to swap your ticket home so you can come home early?

Lilactimes · 05/01/2025 12:36

Jealousy is an awful thing @Playlayla - but your issue here is your mother and not your step sister. She has damaged your self esteem and this is affecting your relationship with someone who could be a support in your life.
I think I would confront my mother and step father and say that “I feel I have been constantly compared - and this has affected me deeply”
I also think I would try and explain how I feel to my step sister… especially if you want to work through it. Maybe being honest and open with her could also help you as she may also have things she’s upset about that might make her appear more human to you. (she’s been abandoned by her mum; had injuries etc

Remember you’re a mum, you have a child who you are bringing up - this is impressive in itself. Concentrate on this - how you can do your best here for your son, and for yourself..
good luck OP xx

Trousername · 05/01/2025 12:38

Your mum's behaviour to you was absolutely awful, cruel and destructive. As others have said, it is not your stepsister's fault, but it is not surprising that you have come to resent her - don't beat yourself up about feeling jealous (this is not your fault) but try not to let this destroy your relationship with the stepsister in the long term.
My advice would be to distance yourself from your mum, and maybe from your whole family at least for a while, and focus on yourself, building up your self esteem and reminding yourself what you are good at, and try to find friends who appreciate you for who you are. Be kind to yourself - it's your life, not anyone else's.

MinnieBalloon · 05/01/2025 12:39

YABVU. The problem here is your mum. She’s toxic and she’s the one you need to not have a relationship with.

You should be focusing on relationships with people that are nice to you and actively want to spend time with you… like your stepsister.

Member984815 · 05/01/2025 12:41

The problem is your mum not your stepsister

Comff · 05/01/2025 12:47

This happened to me only once as a child (my mum comparing me to someone else but in a very small and flippant way) and it stayed with me, I couldn’t imagine how damaging a teenagehood full of it would be. I’m sorry OP.

SleepToad · 05/01/2025 13:01

Have you actually spoken to your ss about it? She might well have hated the pressure of being the perfect one. She clearly wants a relationship with you and I am sure she will be aware of the comparisons being made between you

shockeditellyou · 05/01/2025 13:04

Despite the issue being with your mum, I’m not sure I could bring myself to be mates with the SS.

nam3c4ang3 · 05/01/2025 13:05

Your mother is a cow - your SS has done nothing wrong.