I don't like my step-sister because we were always compared

[Playlayla]

I'm 26 now, I have a 3 year old son, I'm single and my life is a little bit of a mess. My mum met my step dad when both my step sister and I were 9, they moved in together when we were 11 and we went to the same secondary school.

My stepsister and I were like chalk and cheese. I hated sports (enjoyed reading and films), she played tennis and snowboarded and was good at running. Her mum was no longer in her life (had moved back to her home country). So based on this she got first call on everything, she got to pick which bedroom she wanted, a lot of the money the house had went on her hobbies. Admittedly she was a very good tennis player, played at national events and did well, even played junior Wimbledon for example, but her coaching and camps in Spain etc all took up a lot of money and time.
My stepsister also won the genetic lottery. Her dad is Scandinavian and her mum is Italian so in what lots would call the best luck she is tall, slightly tanned and has naturally blonde hair. She was often called the fittest girl in our year.
She was always nice to me, even now she still is nice to me.

My mum used to compare me to her all the time, I am short, was never really slim. My hair for most of my teen years was frizzy and uncontrollable (found curly girl method now thankfully). My mum would say that I should be more like her all the time, point out how I'd never get a boyfriend looking like I do etc.

My mum also used to ask my cousin who was a year above us at school who was more popular, more liked out of us etc.
Neither of us really ran with the "popular" crowd but she was very well liked, very much a social butterfly, no one ever bullied her. The boys wanted to be with her and the girls wanted to be her. She was also smart, we got pretty much the same results at A-level and GCSE, which for most kids would have been insanely good but because she did it while playing tennis competitively, running at national competitions for school etc. my achievement was overlooked.

Since we became adults it's been easy to keep distance, she did a gap year, year abroad and another gap year at the end so has been out the country more than in. However the last 2 years she's been in the same city as me and I've found it really hard. She often messages asking to meet for lunch/a drink or to meet me and my DS and go to the park. I always say no as I'm so jealous of her.

My mum still compares us. Her life is much more exciting than mine. She had to give up competing as she got two really bad injuries and then Covid happened and she fell out of love with the competitive side but now she plays for fun, has friends with memberships at exclusive clubs. She surfs in the summer (learnt on her Australian gap year), snowboards in the winter. She is a sports performance analyst and a coach so between her day job and side hustle she earns a lot more than I do and has a lovely life to show for it. She is also still gorgeous, has abs etc. She never lacks in men wanting her and her current partner (now fiancé) treats her like she's a princess.
My mum is always saying "see if you hadn't had a kid so young that would be you" "imagine all the guys you'd get if you looked like her" "your life is so dull that's why I rarely call" (followed by a rant about wherever stepsister has been or what she has been doing).
My mum and step dad paid for us to all come to Australia for new year, step sisters fiancé is Australian so his family are hosting us. We still have 2 weeks to go and I hate it so much. Everything is about how amazing step sister and her fiancé are. They are lovely but I don't know how much more I can take. It's aren't they gorgeous this, their kids will be beautiful that and so on. I've resorted to just taking DS out alone but now I'm getting accused of being rude and anti social. But I don't want to be told how beautiful/smart/successful they are.

AIBU to not like her? What do I do? I really just want to go home and never see her or my mum again!

Go to therapy. Your mum sounds awful. Embrace ss and ditch mum

The problem is your mum, not your step sister.

She sounds like she wants to be involved in your son's life. I wouldn't deprive him of that.

Aside from that, people's lives are rarely as perfect as they appear. Jealousy is an understandable emotion (I am very jealous person) however this woman has always been kind to you, and at some point some tragedy may befall her and you will wish you had been kinder.

Try and build a friendship. And when your mum is being inappropriate, tell her.

If you are being honest with yourself would you feel this way about your step sister if your mother had never said these things?

Your mother is the problem not her. I think if you confided in your SS that this was going on she'd probably be just as shocked.

You need to have this out with your mum and tell her to NEVER say these things to you again.

This really stems from your mothers own inadequacies. She probably feels inadequate about herself and compares herself to her husbands ex. She sees his daughter as an extension of the woman her husband used to love. I bet she's all glamorous too. She's desperate to make herself compare and that means having a daughter the same as hers.
Tell her this and make yourself powerful and confident. Tell her to stop projecting her own feelings of inadequacy onto you.

Your poor stepsister! She sounds like she has done nothing wrong

Your mum sounds like an absolute bitch though. You need to channel your anger and bad feeling towards the real problem rather than resorting to petty jealousy as a more palatable alternative

I also think you are angry at the wrong person. Also, though, you have this idea that she's had it easy, is so god at everything that life has been easy for her. That might not be so true. Her mother moved abroad when she was little and had nothing more to do with her. That alone is potentially hugely traumatic. She was a promising tennis player but had to give up a dream she had worked hard on due to injury. That's also a huge thing for a young person to cope with. And she might look at your relationship with your child and think how lucky you are. Everyone has challenges, no one is breezing through life so careful wishing for someone else's life.

I think you need to pull out of the trip. Yes, yes your step sister sounds amazing ect.

BUT your mother has made a relationship between you's impossible at this stage in your life & really she should know this (it's not her fault but realistically you were raised in the same home & attended the same school!)

It's not about starting fights its about protecting yourself from a crap holiday & having a way to finally explain to your mum how her treatment has effected you

Your mum has treated you appallingly...I can believe anyone would do that yo their own child!

You sound like a self-pitying Eyeore. It's your mother who you have a problem with, not your step-sister.
Explain to your mother how you feel, put some distance between the two of you if necessary.
Don't punish your step-sister for making the most of her life. Don't be so obsessed with her looks - read your own post back and see how much you mention her physical appearance! She may well be nice looking but do you think that makes her any happier than someone else? Happiness comes from within.
Spend less time being jealous and bitter and more time focusing on what you want to achieve for yourself and your child.

I'm petty so I'd start comparing your mum to someone else's mum. "My friend's mum has just started painting and has her own exhibition in London, imagine if you were creative like that!"

From the OP, “My mum and step dad paid for us to all come to Australia for new year, step sisters fiancé is Australian so his family are hosting us. We still have 2 weeks to go and I hate it so much.”

As other PPs have said your DM is the issue - projecting her own insecurities onto you which is downright mean. Reframe it and tell your DSS what's been going on. Tbh I'd ditch the relationship with your DM and engage more with your DSS - she obviously values your relationship as she continues to reach out to you despite you giving her the cold shoulder.

I agree your step sister doesn’t seem to have much wrong on the surface, but when she was being given all these opportunities, did she or anyone else say anything about the fact you were given nothing?

And no matter how wonderful people are, how kind, how loving, if they bring up negative feelings for you and unwelcome reminders of the past, then feel free to drop contact, either quietly or more deliberately. You don’t have to be in touch with people simply because they want to be in touch with you. You might feel more confident forging your own path without reminders of childhood problems.

And put your mother out for the recycling along with the Christmas tree. Horrible woman.

Your mum is the problem and I bet if your step sister knew she’s be quite upset.

Everyone has their “stuff”. Even your stepsister will have “stuff” and insecurities- she just likely hasn’t shared them yet.

Your mother sounds awful. My dm was good at making negative comparisons between me and other people but not as persistently as yours. I can't understand why you would want to do that to your own child. I would go low contact with her. Your stepsister has done nothing wrong and seems to want a relationship with you. Don't let that go.

Your mother is an asshole.
The stepsister sounds great, trying to have a relationship with you despite your hatred of her.
You've written a lot of her private business online here, is she happy about that?

Too many outing details in here unless you have deliberately lied about some details eg the sport. Otherwise it would take about 5 mins to find out which Italian/Scandi Brit played Junior Wimbledon.

3 pages long, written in the wee hours, OP has not returned…yeah think we can see where this one’s going.

Ah. I read it as you were leaving in the new year.

Disregarded what I said & come home then why waste 2 more weeks of your life

In fairness, she said that she’s in Australia. She could be a few hours from waking up right now.

You have a shitty mother not step sister. She's done nothing wrong in this situation.

Every time your mother starts comparing you to your step sister, start comparing her to another parent. See how she likes it...if she says, that's not kind or that's rude ... ask her how she thinks you feel being compared to your step sibling. She's not psychic, she won't understand unless you point it out to her. It's ok to be proud but I imagine having put up with it for YEARS it will cause some resentment.

Does your stepsister even know how you are feeling? Have you communicated like an adult about this?
It sounds like you are also comparing yourself because that's all you've known? Maybe the step sister felt like she had to compete to compensate for the fact her own mother fucked off? Maybe being the best at her competitive sport was a way of making her feel of value?
There is always so much more to a person. Why don't you talk to them both about how their treatment has made you feel?

Your mum sounds like she’d most likely have treated you like this if there was no wonderful stepsister to compare you to.

It’s a great shame for you and your stepsister that your mum’s behaviour and attitude has driven a wedge between you, that you’ve allowed that to happen. Rather than look at what you don’t have that your stepsister does, look at it at what you do have. A sister to you and an aunt to your child.

OP's currently in Australia with her DM and DSF staying with her DSS's fiance's family, so she didn't post in the middle of the night and she's probably busy playing happy families.

The OP has not said anything about finances/opportunities though, other than to say that "a lot of the money the house had went on her hobbies." That doesn't mean that equivalent money and opportunities would not have been available to the OP had she been interested in similar or other activities relating to her own interests. I have asked OP, and I will ask again, are the opportunities the step sister received things she was already getting and paid for by her father before he got together with the OP's mother? Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with him continuing to provide for his own daughter, and it would actually have been pretty bad if the step sister was deprived of these opportunities because of her father's relationship. I assume the OP had her own father somewhere in the picture providing for her as well as her own mother. If they were not doing so, that is not the fault of the step father or his daughter.