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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu? Feel like there's something wrong with me when it comes to men..

72 replies

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:01

Hi girls. I am just looking to get some advice.
So a bit of background I've been single for 4 years,, I have a near 5 year old daughter.
I feel like I'm so picky when it comes to men I wish I wasn't but unfortunately I have a specific type.. like bigger guys with beards/dark hair, funny sense of humour. I know it's not all about looks but I never like someone that hasn't got some of these qualities. But anyway I feel like a bit of a bitch because I started texting this guy, whose 10 years older than me, very skinny /no beard and not my usual type but he's really nice and he's a head chef but works a lot, 6 days a week then on his day off he gets his son overnight and his son is 5.
So I'm not sure this would be good for me as I don't get alot of time either only weekends and he works every single weekend. Without fail. But anyway I just needed to rant cause I feel awful he really likes me, but there has been a few things that makes me wonder a bit, so we have talked about about things and he told me he has a 10 year old daughter who he never sees as the mum doesn't let him since she was 5.. and when I asked why he said it was because he got a new girlfriend and he told me his mum and dad still see the daughter, which I find a bit weird. He's definitly not into drugs/ and rarely drinks etc. then another thing is me and him had a few drinks together the other night and he got a bit drunk and he still has his ex on snap who was viewing his stories yet he claimed to hate her and also there is another girl who he is best friends with on snap and he also went into his call log and there was a lot of phone calls with this girl to. It is still early days and we've only met a couple of times so he can do what he wants but he is clearly meeting someone as me and him haven't even had a phone calls yet lol, I am not sure if I like him, should I just be honest with him and say he's not really for me or should I keep saying him a few more times and see. Him and his ex have always been back and forth aswell they've got back together about 5 times but not sure if they will this time as she cheated and she now has a new boyfriend.
I know I sound really picky but am I bitch? The age thing does bother me a bit as I am 30 and he is 40 and I know that's still okay but I want to be with someone for 3/4 years and would maybe think about having another child and I personally wouldn't want my child to have an older dad, that's personally just me, my ex's mum had a child when she was 44 and when the child was 6 she took really bad health problems and can barely do school runs and could barely look after him
Thanks for listening I was tryna give as many details as possible and I do know I sound like a bitch but am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Catza · 04/01/2025 21:16

You sound the exact opposite of picky. You have so many reasons not to pursue this but you still feel obligated to give it a shot....that's not what picky women do.

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:17

Catza · 04/01/2025 21:16

You sound the exact opposite of picky. You have so many reasons not to pursue this but you still feel obligated to give it a shot....that's not what picky women do.

Yeah I know what you mean! Is it weird that he was ringin the same girl and had a girl as his best friend on snap.

OP posts:
LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:17

Too much hard work here.

A grown man not seeing his daughter, and using Snapchat?

Both good enough reasons to bin him off.

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:18

LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:17

Too much hard work here.

A grown man not seeing his daughter, and using Snapchat?

Both good enough reasons to bin him off.

I thought the daughter thing was weird to. It also sounds a bit suss that his parents see his daughter and not him? He says he's not allowed to

OP posts:
Catza · 04/01/2025 21:19

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:17

Yeah I know what you mean! Is it weird that he was ringin the same girl and had a girl as his best friend on snap.

No, it's not weird. You are not a couple, he can do whatever the hell he likes. That's not what I am taking an issue with here. It's the other stuff, plus the fact that you don't really fancy him but are still dragging this thing on..

LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:19

Nobody keeps a decent person away from their child.

No decent person stays away from their child.

Facts.

CollsR · 04/01/2025 21:20

Agree with the other poster. You’re not being picky! (Has he said you are? If so then that’s a manipulation tactic).

Many reasons to skip this one. It is a big red flag that he’s has a 10yo he never sees. He’s not given you a straight answer about it. The snap chat nonesense.

Just move on to someone worth your limited energy.

Poppyseeds79 · 04/01/2025 21:21

Toss him back in the sea OP

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/01/2025 21:27

Catza · 04/01/2025 21:16

You sound the exact opposite of picky. You have so many reasons not to pursue this but you still feel obligated to give it a shot....that's not what picky women do.

Yeah this is it for me - there are other men out there

And one thing about men is - even if they're not attractive they will still behave ridiculously so you might as well date someone you fancy 🥰

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:37

LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:19

Nobody keeps a decent person away from their child.

No decent person stays away from their child.

Facts.

I know and he told me he tried to pay a solicitor thousands to see his daughter but nothing came of it and I said so if nothing came of it the mum can't really keep u from her. He has two kids and he told me the mum was angry that he was havin a second child so just kept his daughter away from him but am I not right in saying if he really did go through a solicitor the solicitor would just tell the mum she can't do that and he would be seeing her now

OP posts:
LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:38

It's bullshit.

He's a bullshitter. Stop wasting your time thinking about it.

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:39

CollsR · 04/01/2025 21:20

Agree with the other poster. You’re not being picky! (Has he said you are? If so then that’s a manipulation tactic).

Many reasons to skip this one. It is a big red flag that he’s has a 10yo he never sees. He’s not given you a straight answer about it. The snap chat nonesense.

Just move on to someone worth your limited energy.

Nah he hasn't said I'm being picky or anything

OP posts:
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:39

LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:38

It's bullshit.

He's a bullshitter. Stop wasting your time thinking about it.

Which part is bullshit x

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/01/2025 21:40
Hmm
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:40

He also works with a family member of mine and he told me on New Year's Day he was working 6.30am-7pm and my family member who also works there said they are shut on New Year's Day.. it's a restaurant

OP posts:
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:41

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/01/2025 21:40

Hmm

What does this little emoji mean haha

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 04/01/2025 21:41

You need to be pickier op.

HunPM · 04/01/2025 21:42

Have you actually even met him in person?

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:42

He also was sending me Pandora jewellery and saying he might get me a Pandora for my birthday and this is when I hadn't even met him yet which I thought was a bit love bombey

OP posts:
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:42

HunPM · 04/01/2025 21:42

Have you actually even met him in person?

Twice ! X

OP posts:
Exasperated24 · 04/01/2025 21:47

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:40

He also works with a family member of mine and he told me on New Year's Day he was working 6.30am-7pm and my family member who also works there said they are shut on New Year's Day.. it's a restaurant

I was going to say from your initial post, why are you even asking??

You don’t fancy him, he’s giving you all sorts of red flags but now this too?

Seriously why are you asking?

and FWIW you don’t sound like you’re being a bitch. Why do you think you are?

You don’t owe this man anything? You don’t owe fancying him or you don’t owe him your time or anything.

This is bizarre.

Catza · 04/01/2025 21:48

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:40

He also works with a family member of mine and he told me on New Year's Day he was working 6.30am-7pm and my family member who also works there said they are shut on New Year's Day.. it's a restaurant

And why are you still questioning whether you should bin him??
I think I know why, you've been single for a little while and you want a relationship. Any relationship will do... Well, it really doesn't sound as though you have done enough inner work to properly establish your boundaries. You need to be A LOT more picky before you pursue a relationship with someone. This bloke is basically one big walking red flag and one must be completely colour-blind to even consider dating him.

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:51

@Catza I think it's because he seems so nice to like he's kinda quiet and said he hates cheating just likes a quiet life so I think I feel bad because he does seem nice but to many red flags

OP posts:
Catza · 04/01/2025 21:56

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:51

@Catza I think it's because he seems so nice to like he's kinda quiet and said he hates cheating just likes a quiet life so I think I feel bad because he does seem nice but to many red flags

But there are a lot of nice men out there I don't want to be dating. "Being nice" is a pretty low bar and you should not really date someone because you feel sorry for them, or whatever. Some unresolved issue within you is triggering your reaction to this situation. Were you cheated on previously and now think that someone who enjoys "a quiet life" is a safest bet?

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 22:00

@Catza yeah my child's dad cheated on me, x

OP posts: