Aibu? Feel like there's something wrong with me when it comes to men..

[princessAlo]

Hi girls. I am just looking to get some advice.
So a bit of background I've been single for 4 years,, I have a near 5 year old daughter.
I feel like I'm so picky when it comes to men I wish I wasn't but unfortunately I have a specific type.. like bigger guys with beards/dark hair, funny sense of humour. I know it's not all about looks but I never like someone that hasn't got some of these qualities. But anyway I feel like a bit of a bitch because I started texting this guy, whose 10 years older than me, very skinny /no beard and not my usual type but he's really nice and he's a head chef but works a lot, 6 days a week then on his day off he gets his son overnight and his son is 5.
So I'm not sure this would be good for me as I don't get alot of time either only weekends and he works every single weekend. Without fail. But anyway I just needed to rant cause I feel awful he really likes me, but there has been a few things that makes me wonder a bit, so we have talked about about things and he told me he has a 10 year old daughter who he never sees as the mum doesn't let him since she was 5.. and when I asked why he said it was because he got a new girlfriend and he told me his mum and dad still see the daughter, which I find a bit weird. He's definitly not into drugs/ and rarely drinks etc. then another thing is me and him had a few drinks together the other night and he got a bit drunk and he still has his ex on snap who was viewing his stories yet he claimed to hate her and also there is another girl who he is best friends with on snap and he also went into his call log and there was a lot of phone calls with this girl to. It is still early days and we've only met a couple of times so he can do what he wants but he is clearly meeting someone as me and him haven't even had a phone calls yet lol, I am not sure if I like him, should I just be honest with him and say he's not really for me or should I keep saying him a few more times and see. Him and his ex have always been back and forth aswell they've got back together about 5 times but not sure if they will this time as she cheated and she now has a new boyfriend.
I know I sound really picky but am I bitch? The age thing does bother me a bit as I am 30 and he is 40 and I know that's still okay but I want to be with someone for 3/4 years and would maybe think about having another child and I personally wouldn't want my child to have an older dad, that's personally just me, my ex's mum had a child when she was 44 and when the child was 6 she took really bad health problems and can barely do school runs and could barely look after him
Thanks for listening I was tryna give as many details as possible and I do know I sound like a bitch but am I being unreasonable?

He’s too old. He’s a liar. Probably a poor father. He can’t maintain a relationship. You don’t fancy him. It doesn’t work logistically.

He thinks buying some Pandora thing is how to win a woman.

Bye.

Have you posted before OP?

Whats so nice about him? Nothing in what you describe sounds nice at all.

You aren't picky @princessAlo you accept allsorts of rubbish since the list you have said about him has numerous red flags 🙄

I’m 100% failing to see that you’re picky.

Doesn't look like an honest person, his stories are questionable, as others said he's a walking red flag, he's not your physical match, he says a lot of lies, and has too many women around, he's barred from his own daughter ..

As a rule of thumb I believe that men and people in general often say what they want us to believe, but facts speak louder than words. It should be taught in schools as it's the basis of healthy relationships.

Deep inside you know the truth.

I understand 4 years being single can be hard for some.
He's having an impact on your need of a relationship, but a relationship with this type of chronical liar would destroy your confidence to a point that you cannot distinguish reality from lies.

I think you need to work on deserving more from a relationship, trusting yourself and becoming more picky.

None of this matters because he hasn't got a beard.

But seriously...he's a practised liar, don't pursue this.

Omg he messaged me just asking did I want to go to Paris this weekend.. and I've only met him twice. LORD

Maybe he thinks that's enough to sway you?

he has a 10 year old daughter who he never sees as the mum doesn't let him since she was 5.. and when I asked why he said it was because he got a new girlfriend

And what happened when he pursued his parental rights through court?

And he told me his mum and dad still see the daughter

His ex banned him from seeing his own child while with his parents?

Again, what happened when he pursued this through court?

If my dd's Dad was prevented from seeing DD; I'd be in court in weeks ...and not for any abusive reasons; but because he'd fight tooth and nail to see his DD whom he's co-parented since birth.

I know, it didn't make sense to me the only thing he said was his Did you know I have a daughter and I said no and then he said oh my ex doesn't let me see DD since she was 5 because I had another child with someone and she didn't like it 🧐🧐 and then he went on to say he paid thousands to courts and nothing came of it. Then he said So my parents still get to see her and I can't. And I said but if there's no court order set in place he can willingly go and see his daughter ? It didn't make sense to me. So there's no rule through court that he can't see her he said it was just the mum didn't want him to🧐 but why would she let the parents and not him. He could easily just go see her when his parents see her ?

He's a decade older than you, he's already got two kids by two different women that he's not with.

Two failed relationships with a child involved.

He's lying about working when he's not - saying he really wants to see you but not taking the opportunity (NYD) and lying about not being off work. You've mentioned him snap chatting other women (?)

I think I can guess why he's got two failed relationships with two of his kids" Mums.

You probably don't have kids (?)

He'll be liable for child maintenance for two kids (and CM is the absolute minimum he should be paying towards his kids).

Here's some simple maths -

Bloke who's a chef.
No kids from previous relationships.
Chefs salary + your salary (and you might go part-time if you have kids) goes to him, you and any kids in your household.

Bloke who's a chef.
Two kids from previous relationships.
Chef's salary minus child maintenance payments (and anything else he chooses to pay for, which he should) + your salary goes to him, you and any kids in your household.

Your kids (say you had two) will have less than if you found a bloke who doesn't have kids with other women to pay for.

Then there's the being step mummy & blending families eventually; not always an easy gig.

Then there's the fact that chefs work anti social hours.

Then there's the fact that he's already 40, the age at which men become more likely to produce kids with ASD and other issues.

Then there's all the other issues above (his story about his 20 yr old doesn't make sense), he sounds like he's playing the field.

And to top it all off, he's not even you'd fucking type.

Keep looking - it's a numbers game.

and then he went on to say he paid thousands to courts and nothing came of it

Bullshit.

They let fkg abusers see their kids - supervised at first - and later not.

He could easily just go see her when his parents see her ?

Yep.

Unless he's court ordered not to, which is a whole other can of worms.

Sorry - 10 yr old, not 20 yr old.

Yeah this actually helped me.
he told me I'm the only girl he's met to since him and his ex broke up and they broke up in October and my dad told me in work he was saying he was meeting a policewomen 🧐 and it was the same girl he was snap chatting for sure so definitly still somethin goin on there. Which is strange as cause he just asked me to go to Paris next weekend 🤣

Be picky. Don't compromise on your ideals and who you want in a man. Most of them are terrible, don't ever settle.

he told me I'm the only girl he's met to since him and his ex broke up and they broke up in October and my dad told me in work he was saying he was meeting a policewomen 🧐

He seems to tell a lot of porkies.

The 10 yr old DD stuff makes no sense.

The working on NYD thing when he apparently wasn't.

The "first girl I've dated since Oct/since ex" thing.

As I said, I have a feeling I know why he's got two baby mamas he's not with (and counting).

You're only 30, you're a decade younger than him.

Try to do better than a washed up 40 yr old with two kids by two different women who doesn't even see one of them (for 5 yrs so far) and is telling lots of lies told already.

Which is strange as cause he just asked me to go to Paris next weekend

He's playing the field or maybe she's realised she can do better and that his stories don't make sense.

said he hates cheating

I actually don't find normal people who don't cheat feel the need to say they hate cheating.

And you know he's lied about not being involved with anyone since his 5 yr old's ex; but you know he has.
And then the NYD thing.

Sorry I've just seen you have a child, in your op.

Well you still don't need to take on a decade older bloke with two of them by different Mums, who doesn't even see one and whose story doesnt make sense about that fact.

And on top of everything, he's not even your type.

He might "seem nice".

Most people do at first (including abusers incidentally).

Your relative sounds like they're getting carried away with romance and fixing you up etc. They're not doing you any favours though.

I don’t understand you saying you’re picky. You’re contemplating keeping seeing a man who doesn’t see his child, lies about it, lies about work, who you’re not attracted to, who love bombs you. He’s a walking red flag but you’re still thinking of being with him. How is that being picky? It sounds like you’re willing to accept anything which is the opposite of picky.

Her threads are always the same, pay no heed, you're only wasting your time