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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Feel like there's something wrong with me when it comes to men..

72 replies

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:01

Hi girls. I am just looking to get some advice.
So a bit of background I've been single for 4 years,, I have a near 5 year old daughter.
I feel like I'm so picky when it comes to men I wish I wasn't but unfortunately I have a specific type.. like bigger guys with beards/dark hair, funny sense of humour. I know it's not all about looks but I never like someone that hasn't got some of these qualities. But anyway I feel like a bit of a bitch because I started texting this guy, whose 10 years older than me, very skinny /no beard and not my usual type but he's really nice and he's a head chef but works a lot, 6 days a week then on his day off he gets his son overnight and his son is 5.
So I'm not sure this would be good for me as I don't get alot of time either only weekends and he works every single weekend. Without fail. But anyway I just needed to rant cause I feel awful he really likes me, but there has been a few things that makes me wonder a bit, so we have talked about about things and he told me he has a 10 year old daughter who he never sees as the mum doesn't let him since she was 5.. and when I asked why he said it was because he got a new girlfriend and he told me his mum and dad still see the daughter, which I find a bit weird. He's definitly not into drugs/ and rarely drinks etc. then another thing is me and him had a few drinks together the other night and he got a bit drunk and he still has his ex on snap who was viewing his stories yet he claimed to hate her and also there is another girl who he is best friends with on snap and he also went into his call log and there was a lot of phone calls with this girl to. It is still early days and we've only met a couple of times so he can do what he wants but he is clearly meeting someone as me and him haven't even had a phone calls yet lol, I am not sure if I like him, should I just be honest with him and say he's not really for me or should I keep saying him a few more times and see. Him and his ex have always been back and forth aswell they've got back together about 5 times but not sure if they will this time as she cheated and she now has a new boyfriend.
I know I sound really picky but am I bitch? The age thing does bother me a bit as I am 30 and he is 40 and I know that's still okay but I want to be with someone for 3/4 years and would maybe think about having another child and I personally wouldn't want my child to have an older dad, that's personally just me, my ex's mum had a child when she was 44 and when the child was 6 she took really bad health problems and can barely do school runs and could barely look after him
Thanks for listening I was tryna give as many details as possible and I do know I sound like a bitch but am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SeriouslyStressed · 04/01/2025 22:00

Have you done a Claire's law search on him?

He wouldn't be kept from seeing his ten year old unless he presented a risk to her.
He could self represent at family court without having to pay a solicitor.
He could go to court to request a child arrangement order and self represent for £255 and be granted time with his daughter - unless he presented a significant risk (even risky parents can often get supervised time with their children)

So he's either a risk to his daughter or he can't be bothered to see her

Original poster
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 22:01

SeriouslyStressed · 04/01/2025 22:00

Have you done a Claire's law search on him?

He wouldn't be kept from seeing his ten year old unless he presented a risk to her.
He could self represent at family court without having to pay a solicitor.
He could go to court to request a child arrangement order and self represent for £255 and be granted time with his daughter - unless he presented a significant risk (even risky parents can often get supervised time with their children)

So he's either a risk to his daughter or he can't be bothered to see her

How do I do a search on him

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/01/2025 22:07

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 22:01

How do I do a search on him

Show quote history

There’s no need to bother with that, tbh. Just dump.

And then get pickier! You’re not even remotely picky if you’re still considering this person. You need to work on that. Let 2025 be the start of a new, healthy dating era for you.

ThePoliteLion · 04/01/2025 22:07

Walk away.

Original poster
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 22:09

Yeah your right wouldn't even be assed doin a search, feel awkward that he works with a family member of mine though and they keep askin me how it's goin. They sorta tried to set us up 🤣

OP posts:
OldTinHat · 04/01/2025 22:19

'Girls'? They're under 18??? Many a red flag!

Original poster
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 22:20

OldTinHat · 04/01/2025 22:19

'Girls'? They're under 18??? Many a red flag!

Sorry what?

OP posts:
Michellesbackbrace · 04/01/2025 22:23

More red flags than a communist brigade.

Original poster
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 22:24

Michellesbackbrace · 04/01/2025 22:23

More red flags than a communist brigade.

This made me laugh haha🤣. But yeah the not seein his daughter is the big one for that feel like there's a bit of lying goin on about that

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/01/2025 22:27

Not seeing his child
Bin off for that reason alone
There is no good reason whatsoever for him to not see his child and anything he says about it will be a lie. Save ur self the hassle and bin this one.

3luckystars · 04/01/2025 22:27

LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:38

It's bullshit.

He's a bullshitter. Stop wasting your time thinking about it.

I agree. Keep being picky. You are worth it and so is your daughter. Good luck x x

JHound · 04/01/2025 22:42

LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:19

Nobody keeps a decent person away from their child.

No decent person stays away from their child.

Facts.

Not true for the former and the second sometimes is taken out of your hands if they just outright block access.

JHound · 04/01/2025 22:45

OP - I always am a bit suspicious of a man that claims to be blocked access as I know so many deadbeat dads / women with deadbeat dad exes.

Especially if his family is allowed to see the kids.

That said I definitely know men who have had their partners block access due to bitterness and had to go to court to fight for access. But generally they block access to the rest of the family too (we had this with my niece with almost two years of court battles and then over a decade of the mom continuing to throw tantrums and trying to mess with the court ordered access).

But I would really be asking him what he has done to try and regain access. If he says “nothing” - then that would be it for me.

everychildmatters · 04/01/2025 22:51

It can be the case unfortunately that one parent can block access and it does cost a lot in legal fees to get this sorted. When I left my ex-husband he took our son for a week and denied me any access because I'd dared to leave him. I had to pay a solicitor thousands to establish a contact schedule. Luckily I had supportive parents who could help me with these fees.

devongirl12 · 04/01/2025 22:53

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 21:40

He also works with a family member of mine and he told me on New Year's Day he was working 6.30am-7pm and my family member who also works there said they are shut on New Year's Day.. it's a restaurant

Oh ffs.

Move on. Why on earth are you giving this any head space?

You don't really like him. It doesn't sound like he particularly likes you.

Just move on. Why on earth are you wasting your time on this?

And you describe this as you being picky? wtf Confused

Original poster
princessAlo · 04/01/2025 22:57

@devongirl12 he keeps sayin he really likes me🧐🧐 keeps saying how when he's off work he can't wait to spend time with me and that I'm beautiful and all this

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/01/2025 22:58

princessAlo · 04/01/2025 22:57

@devongirl12 he keeps sayin he really likes me🧐🧐 keeps saying how when he's off work he can't wait to spend time with me and that I'm beautiful and all this

And? So what?

devongirl12 · 04/01/2025 22:58

Yeah but he's obviously lying to you. He's telling you he's at work when the restaurant is closed. He's snap chatting other girls.

Which is all irrelevant anyway as it really doesn't sound like you like him much, and I don't blame you.

Just find someone else.

JHound · 04/01/2025 23:01

everychildmatters · 04/01/2025 22:51

It can be the case unfortunately that one parent can block access and it does cost a lot in legal fees to get this sorted. When I left my ex-husband he took our son for a week and denied me any access because I'd dared to leave him. I had to pay a solicitor thousands to establish a contact schedule. Luckily I had supportive parents who could help me with these fees.

So sorry to hear this.

And it’s really a worry of somebody does not qualify for legal aid but also doesn’t have support. An acquaintance of mine’s parents spent £30k supporting him in his court battle with his ex (plus whatever he spent).

In the end it was worth it as he has shared custody but I wonder what would have happened had he not had parents with £30k to spare.

Ishallgototheball · 05/01/2025 00:29

LividNewYear · 04/01/2025 21:19

Nobody keeps a decent person away from their child.

No decent person stays away from their child.

Facts.

How little you know of the world

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/01/2025 01:24

My worry is the amount of headspace that you even gave him.

JHound · 05/01/2025 02:43

Ishallgototheball · 05/01/2025 00:29

How little you know of the world

Show quote history

It’s the “Woman - Good / Man - Bad “ view of the world.

Zanatdy · 05/01/2025 02:53

Don’t waste your time. One he is unavailable most of the time you are free. I dated an ex colleague who was unavailable too (single dad - sole care of DC) and it was impossible to see him. The not seeing his daughter would massively put me off, surely he could have put in an application through the courts? Yes it can be expensive but I couldn’t date someone who didn’t see their own kids, it wouldn’t sit right with me.

I’ve given up with men, the above ex colleague is still kind of around, messages and see him in work still around and about, and go for a coffee etc, but it’s just easier not to get involved in dating for me right now. I am also very picky and ex colleague is only guy i’ve fancied in years!

everychildmatters · 05/01/2025 06:25

I'm pleased my now husband didn't pass judgement on me when he first met me. I'm a mum without her children the majority. I had to fight my narc ex through the family courts which costs literally thousands. So much so we are still privately renting over a decade on. All because i married a rich man intent on revenge when i dared to find a better life for myself and my children.
I was "lucky" in that I had parents who supported me with paying solicitors etc as I didn't qualify for Legal Aid. Not everyone has this support.

Ghostin · 05/01/2025 07:00

You aren’t picky - you need to be pickier!

It’s a big red flag that this guy doesn’t see his daughter. Why didn’t he get joint custody? Either it wasn’t in his daughter’s interests or he didn’t fight for it, both of which are bad signs about his character. It’s another red flag that he says hateful things about his ex. He’s potentially chasing after another woman. And all that for a guy who isn’t your type and who you’re not sure you even like that much.

Ditch this one! Does it really sound like any of the ingredients for a good relationship are here?