For being pissed at my MIL?

[Thelittlewestie]

My mother in law had agreed to watch my youngest child next week for a couple of hours so that I can attend the funeral of my friends sister. She has now said she can't do it as she had a nail appointment!
I'm so upset, its not like I have asked her to take them so that I can have a night out. To be honest its the final straw in a long list of let downs.
Am I wrong to feel she is being selfish for this? Surley she could change her nail appointment? I asked her and she said she can't.
I really want to be there to support my friend but have no other babysitters.
She offers babysitting often then let's us down at the the last minute often when she gets a better offer and pretends that she forgot about it. She always offers in front of other people and I feel it's just so everyone thinks she is gran of the year when she shows little interest and always cancels it.
We don't even ask her to take them now unless for something really essential as we are sick of us and kids being let down.
I don't understand why she keeps offering then cancelling.
My own mum has passed and it hurts my heart that she can't spend time with her grandkids and the gran who is here and lives up the road and is retired can't even pop in but tells the world how much she loves and does for them which just isn't true. I'm sick of the fakeness!
I guess I'm ranting here so I don't do it in person to her, she is still my Husbands mother after all.
Had anyone been in similar situation? How do I approach this?

Thank you of you've read this far ❤️

Has your dh tried speaking to her ? He needs to be the one to talk with her about the importance to the funeral and her flakey behaviour.

Oh no, that's sad. Can you DH look after the children or can you find a babysitter from nursery or school? You might know some people through your networks.

Yes you are right to be pissed OFF with her. Being drunk at her probably not wise but also understandable.

I think you have to just ignore her offers now, you can't rely on her. Next time she offers in front of others you could also decline in front of them and explain why.

Surely your DH is pissed off about this too and is going to say something to her?

awful behaviour

Really shitty of her. Can your DH ring her with “are you really sure you can’t work around this? You committed to helping so littlewestie can attend a funeral - this is a huge let down and we are really disappointed”.

I would still be pulling back in general as it shouldn’t be like pulling teeth, but at least if she adapts this time you can help your friend.

What does your DH think of his mum's behaviour? Could he take some time off work to look after your youngest child while you attend the funeral?

It sounds like your MIL is one of those performative grandparents, banging on about how much she helps, always posting on social media about what an involved grandparent she is, when the truth is she isn't really supportive at all.

I think she also feels safe to behave like this as you have sadly lost your mum, so she has no competition as she is the only grandmother your children have got.

I would be putting it on the family group chat asking if anyone is available as your planned childcare has let you down last minute and it’s for a funeral and not a trivial appointment. Don’t need to mention her by name but if people know it’s her that should have been doing it then so be it. She is flaky anyway so if you burn a bridge then you are not going to be in a worse position than now

But as much as I usually stand up for MIL on here that is a shitty thing to do when it is for a funeral so wouldn’t have an issue being petty

What a cow. The next time she offers to babysit in front of other people, embarrass her by saying “Thanks but you’ve let us down so often that we can’t rely on you so we’ll ask someone else…”

I've still to tell him about it, he will be home in a couple of hours and yes I think your right he really needs to be the one to speak to her about it x

That is unkind and nasty of her.
I wouldn't ask her to babysit again.
Your DH needs to have a word with her about her attitude.

He is due to be in an important meeting at work but already said if she let's me down that he will try and move it. It's sad that we actually come to expect her to let us down now 😔 hopefully he can, or i don't know what im going to do. My little one isn't at nursery yet, but I think I really need to work on finding another sitter in general x

Oh wow. YANBU. I expect we'll have the usual posse saying that you should never ask for help from grandparents, and have loads of paid for options available at the drop of a hat. But this is upsetting.

She has offered to help, for something genuinely important, and has changed her mind last minute. Realistically robbing you of the opportunity to find alternative arrangements and making you look unreliable.

Obviously you need to pull back, and understand she is not really involved/ interested. Which is upsetting.

I hope you can find something else. But being hurt is reasonable.

You're not being unreasonable. Maybe let your husband have a talk with her. It's his mum.
Funeral of a friends sister seems way more important than a nail appointment

Can your husband take annual leave? That solves the funeral issue, not the MIL issue but depending on her personality might make her realise that she needs to be honest about whether she can offer help and not just say something then backpedal.

I have been tempted to do this I must admit. But always tried to keep the peace but I've had enough now with it being for a funeral 😔

Let your DH move his meeting if he can't arrange for his mum to have DC. Nothing is that important that can't be moved for a funeral.

Definitely look to find a paid for babysitter for future.

I used to pay a young woman from nursery so ask around your friends to see what they do.

YANBU but get ready as you’ll get the free childcare posters soon. How horrid of your MIL. Don’t ask her again for anything. Find a babysitter (that you can rely on in the future as well) or see if you can take your child with you. I know that’ll be difficult but it might be possible. Let everyone know that your MIL pulled out of looking after her grandchild, so you could support your friend at her sister’s funeral, when she realised that this clashed with a nail appointment.

He is really fed up with it too and I've not even told him about this latest one yet.
He said himself we are never asking them again after the last let down. She again offered to take them in front of people so we could get organised for Christmas then canceled to go a day out with my sister in law. She made out the date she offered was for a different month, have to laugh or I will cry.

I have never heard the term performative grandparent but this describes her to a tee and sadly I think you are right about her thinking it's fine to do this as my own mum isn't here x

I would be furious too OP. I reckon it’s deliberate too as she has form. Your husband sounds great offering to move his meeting, not that he should have to.
Find your kid a nursery or childminder asap. Don’t rely on flaky people.

I just can't get around the fact that she thinks her nails are more important than a funeral! And this is beside the point, she agreed to something so should come through. My Mil would cancel a superficial appointment on the spot to take DC if I ask her (for a good reason ofcourse, I would never take advantage of her kindness). I think you just have to never ever count on her help since she's not reliable. And tell her next time that you rather not make plans with her because "you remember last time when you promised to keep DC because I was going to a funeral and then changed your mind because you had a nail appointment ?"

I hope he talks to his Mum about how let down you both are over this. It's awful behaviour from her.
I think it would be a good idea to start asking around for future childcare as you can't rely on her sadly.

My little one is just about to turn one and is toddling or I would, my friends sister died from suicide very young so I don't want to have the baby being noisy at the service. I'm just so mad/sad that she thinks a nail appointment is more important than this 😩

Thank you, I was worried I was being entitled but I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this x

My mils the same. On the very odd occasion we ask her/she makes a grand offer I always ring my mum and say just in case…. She always knows the just in case will happen.

She just happened to get a better offer or be sick the once a year we maybe need help. She has dh’s sisters kids at least once a week never too sick or busy for that.

You are right - I understand you needing someone to look after your toddler. I hope you find someone. You are a good support to your friend.