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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being pissed at my MIL?

63 replies

Thelittlewestie · 04/01/2025 19:29

My mother in law had agreed to watch my youngest child next week for a couple of hours so that I can attend the funeral of my friends sister. She has now said she can't do it as she had a nail appointment!
I'm so upset, its not like I have asked her to take them so that I can have a night out. To be honest its the final straw in a long list of let downs.
Am I wrong to feel she is being selfish for this? Surley she could change her nail appointment? I asked her and she said she can't.
I really want to be there to support my friend but have no other babysitters.
She offers babysitting often then let's us down at the the last minute often when she gets a better offer and pretends that she forgot about it. She always offers in front of other people and I feel it's just so everyone thinks she is gran of the year when she shows little interest and always cancels it.
We don't even ask her to take them now unless for something really essential as we are sick of us and kids being let down.
I don't understand why she keeps offering then cancelling.
My own mum has passed and it hurts my heart that she can't spend time with her grandkids and the gran who is here and lives up the road and is retired can't even pop in but tells the world how much she loves and does for them which just isn't true. I'm sick of the fakeness!
I guess I'm ranting here so I don't do it in person to her, she is still my Husbands mother after all.
Had anyone been in similar situation? How do I approach this?

Thank you of you've read this far ❤️

OP posts:
Tahlbias · 04/01/2025 20:25

As others have suggested, decline in front of others, when she offers childcare and tell her why!

dentalflosser · 05/01/2025 13:44

MIL sounds like she has main character syndrome, or is a “show grandmother”. It sounds like DH is very supportive which is good. A sudden nail appointment rather than babysitting for such an important situation as supporting your friend is terrible.
If MIL starts going on how much she does for you and your family again, do the MN tinkly laugh and gently mention to all listening of how she agreed to watch her grandchildren while you went to a funeral but changed her mind and booked a nail appointment instead. You aren’t doing it to be confrontational but you are outing her pretence.

Findinganewme · 09/01/2025 11:56
  1. of course you’re not being unreasonable. It is very sad that your MIL lets you down and isn’t the grandma that your kids should have.
  2. you know what she is like. I probably wouldn’t have booked her in, under these circumstances. I’d work on accepting her lack of commitment and move on.
  3. if she offers grandma services in the future, even in public, say ‘that’s kind of you to offer. You often offer, which is lovely but you have so many other priorities and then I’m stuck when you cancel. It’s probably easier for us all if I arrange childcare cover, with someone who can actually do it.
  4. let go. It’s best for you and your kids.
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/01/2025 12:29

@Thelittlewestie dont ask her ever again for any babysitting! pay for a babysitter or get a friend or neighbour to help out and pay them instead

maddening · 09/01/2025 12:32

Can dh take annual leave or dependents leave?

Projectme · 09/01/2025 12:34

Hope you've been able to sort something, even if it means your DH moving his meeting to another time/date.

My MIL (well both PIL) were the same. They let us down to babysit our 2 kids, who would have been in bed so very little interaction required, for our friends wedding evening reception. I went on my own for a couple of hours in the end but DH was absolutely furious with them so we never asked them again. They never offered to sit either...says it all really...

WellsAndThistles · 09/01/2025 12:42

If she doesn't think such an important event is worth changing a nail appointment for I would draw a line under her ever being asked to help again.

She is unreliable and treating you terribly. Keep the memory close though when she's old and expects you to go running round for her.

(Surely a nail appointment would only be 20 minutes and she could leave baby in the buggy and take her in. Baby would probably get fussed over by all the other customers and beauticians and be kept entertained by them.)

Whatwouldnanado · 09/01/2025 12:57

Simply never ask her again or accept her offers . Don’t do it in a way which would embarrass her in front of other people. She sounds the sort who would become a martyr if she was seen to be rejected. Have dh cover the funeral then ongoing find an agency or young friend who can help look after your little one.

Codlingmoths · 09/01/2025 12:57

Totally agree you need to practice your reply for next time ‘it’s kind of you to offer but you always then let us down last minute, so we have found other babysitters so we can actually go to important things like my friends funeral’

MzHz · 09/01/2025 13:10

@Thelittlewestie How did this turn out? did you manage to get someone to look after your little one so you could attend the funeral?

E1201607 · 09/01/2025 13:10

I'm sorry that you are facing this, especially when you want to be there for your friend. Sadly this happens. We had the same from my MIL to the point the DH rowed with her and we haven't seen her since. (She lives 4 miles away!) It will be coming up for 11 years soon. She has never even met her only GD who is almost 9!

Find your own village and do NOT ask her for anything again. I hope your husband can move his meeting so you can support your friend

Tubetrain · 09/01/2025 13:11

Don't ask her again or ever be available to help her.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/01/2025 13:16

Porkyporkchop · 04/01/2025 19:32

Has your dh tried speaking to her ? He needs to be the one to talk with her about the importance to the funeral and her flakey behaviour.

100% this.

Childcare, is shared between the parents. As this is your MiL that is flaking on you, it should be your DH that approaches her to have a word with why she is backing out now considering she did agree to have her grandchild on that date. Nail appointments can be rescheduled. Funeral attendance not at all.

I'd also make it very clear that her being so flaky and unreliable will affect the frequency that you guys put yourselves out and bring your child to see her, so when she hears story after story about how your parent have been so involved and she hasn't and she starts getting a touch of the green eyed monster, this would be why.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/01/2025 13:25

MIL has let you down and it's time to stop relying on her for childcare at times like this one when it really matters and you need to find someone in advance.
In future I'd only ask her at short notice so you know you can trust the answer.

nodramaplz · 09/01/2025 13:55

Don't waste time on her and baby during any more.
She's done it so often because you've allowed it.

People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

If you and hubby can't work it out together, then you either need to take children or not go.

Is there a day care you can drop them in to for this occasion?

I'd bypass her from now on & if she offers infront of people seem grateful but don't accept

WendyA22 · 09/01/2025 14:01

Thelittlewestie · 04/01/2025 19:29

My mother in law had agreed to watch my youngest child next week for a couple of hours so that I can attend the funeral of my friends sister. She has now said she can't do it as she had a nail appointment!
I'm so upset, its not like I have asked her to take them so that I can have a night out. To be honest its the final straw in a long list of let downs.
Am I wrong to feel she is being selfish for this? Surley she could change her nail appointment? I asked her and she said she can't.
I really want to be there to support my friend but have no other babysitters.
She offers babysitting often then let's us down at the the last minute often when she gets a better offer and pretends that she forgot about it. She always offers in front of other people and I feel it's just so everyone thinks she is gran of the year when she shows little interest and always cancels it.
We don't even ask her to take them now unless for something really essential as we are sick of us and kids being let down.
I don't understand why she keeps offering then cancelling.
My own mum has passed and it hurts my heart that she can't spend time with her grandkids and the gran who is here and lives up the road and is retired can't even pop in but tells the world how much she loves and does for them which just isn't true. I'm sick of the fakeness!
I guess I'm ranting here so I don't do it in person to her, she is still my Husbands mother after all.
Had anyone been in similar situation? How do I approach this?

Thank you of you've read this far ❤️

Can you ring and change her nail appointment?

TinyFlamingo · 09/01/2025 14:12

Thelittlewestie · 04/01/2025 19:49

He is really fed up with it too and I've not even told him about this latest one yet.
He said himself we are never asking them again after the last let down. She again offered to take them in front of people so we could get organised for Christmas then canceled to go a day out with my sister in law. She made out the date she offered was for a different month, have to laugh or I will cry.

I have never heard the term performative grandparent but this describes her to a tee and sadly I think you are right about her thinking it's fine to do this as my own mum isn't here x

Show quote history

Accepting this will be liberating. I'd offer to pay for the nail appointment and see what she says because it isn't the nail appointment - she likes the glory of the idea of it, but she doesn't actually want to. It's all performative sadly and that's never going to change. I'm so sorry though, it sucks for you, your husband and your children but not having any expectations will bring much more peace. I hope you get it sorted.

BonfireToffee · 09/01/2025 14:14

DappledThings · 04/01/2025 19:32

Yes you are right to be pissed OFF with her. Being drunk at her probably not wise but also understandable.

I think you have to just ignore her offers now, you can't rely on her. Next time she offers in front of others you could also decline in front of them and explain why.

Jesus Christ, have some empathy. OP is trying to support a friend at a funeral, and you’re making digs about an Americanism in her post?

MaggieBsBoat · 09/01/2025 14:17

Next time she does performative offers in front of people, laugh loudly and ask we to repeat it so you can record it as she never follows through. All with a sardonic smile on your face.

FloralCrown · 09/01/2025 14:24

This is really bad of her to let you down like this.

Let your DH speak to her, but also do not trust her going forward and be clear about that.

If she offers childcare in the future in front of people, just scoff and say "You always offer but you never actually babysit, like the last time when you offered so I could attend a funeral, you let me down to get your nails done. There's no point in either of us pretending your "offers" of help are real now is it?" and walk away.

She is just doing it to look good, she doesn't deserve other people to believe she's a helpful GP when she's not.

LostittoBostik · 09/01/2025 14:31

I'd be furious about that.

What does your DH say?

LostittoBostik · 09/01/2025 14:33

FloralCrown · 09/01/2025 14:24

This is really bad of her to let you down like this.

Let your DH speak to her, but also do not trust her going forward and be clear about that.

If she offers childcare in the future in front of people, just scoff and say "You always offer but you never actually babysit, like the last time when you offered so I could attend a funeral, you let me down to get your nails done. There's no point in either of us pretending your "offers" of help are real now is it?" and walk away.

She is just doing it to look good, she doesn't deserve other people to believe she's a helpful GP when she's not.

Yes to this.

You don't have to use a bitchy tone, just a factual one, but the facts are so damning it does the job for you.

Hope your DH managed to rearrange his meeting so you could support your friend xx

Kazzmarie12 · 09/01/2025 14:48

I Have 7 grandchildren and manage too help out regularly I also work part time ! She's fake. She's a let down too you and her grandchild ! My son in laws mom's the same always making excuses not too help she made out recently when asked too help that she was ill but was seen in hairdressers same day..pathetic really . Sorry but next time she tries too pretend in front of people say it's OK I've got someone too help now don't worry( even if you haven't) because she likes the power too let you down obviously

Gremlins101 · 09/01/2025 14:49

She sounds awful! I hope you find a babysitter.
My MIL isn't as bad as this and I still get annoyed at her :)

Cyclebabble · 09/01/2025 15:00

Hi OP, yes you have been badly let down... a funeral is less important than a nail appointment which could be rearranged?! come on. The reality here is that you have a MIL who will always prioritise her own trivial needs over you. It is quite hurtful, but at least now you know. I would expect next to nothing and in turn I would apply similarly. I would not be doing anything for her. Be cordial in social situations, but things will not change.