Arguments over moving house

[Green3]

AIBU? Long story short , a house came up for sale in the village over from ours. It needs work but it’s the perfect house, ticks every box. Bedroom each for the children, big garden, walking distance to school, walking distance to the husbands local pub, to the rugby club to his parents etc . It’s where my husband grew up. I love the house and I don’t mind a renovation project. It’s still up the road from my family too. Love the area. Financially we would be better off too. The husband has gone along with it all, wasn’t keen on the work to be done but said a year from now when it’s done he will be happy just dreads the thought of all the work. Now that we are like 3-4 weeks away from the actually move and it’s real(we get a completion/exchange date next week) he’s upset we are moving. Loves the house we are in and says I’ve dragged him to move and can’t be happy for it. I will admit I have pushed it as it’s literally an amazing home and I can see the potential it has without having to extend. The house we’re in now is a 3 bed semi , and the house we’re are moving to is a 4 bed detached . Same price. It’s causing huge arguments now and I’m unsure what to do? My mentality is hard work pays off, anything you want in life worth having will be a little hard. Love him to death but he’s the opposite 😂 he is happy to plod along in life and isn’t one for change . AIBU?

Reading that back I feel I need to add I did push for the move and he didn’t want to. 😂 but can see the potential . It’s just the hard work putting him off . Like what do people do when one half wants to move and the other doesn’t ? What compromise actually is there?

What does he want to do? Pull out of the sale/purchase and not move at all?

He would love for something to come up so it falls through, our home now is beautiful . But I can see the new home will be even more so eventually , he says he will follow me and it is what it is. But I don’t want this attitude towards a move when it’s going to be hard work as it is without having felt like I’ve dragged him along . His feelings are valid but I can’t see why he can’t be on the same page.

Is he going to be the one doing a lot of the renovation work, or are you outsourcing it or doing it yourself?

Sounds like you've pushed him into this and he's gone along with it for an easy life.

Until the contracts are exchanged either side is able to do this and it looks like he's finally found his voice.

This might be a lesson for you, when someone tells you how they feel about something- listen to them instead of steamrollering over.

If he doesn't want to sell you can't sell. Simple

Great question.

What happens when you see the next shiny thing and lose interest?

He’s a grown man with his own mind. Presumably if he was that strongly opposed to the suggestion of moving, he should have voiced it during the preliminary discussions around the possibility and not let it get to 3-4 weeks before moving to voice his reservations!

I’m not a believer that anyone can be ‘pushed’ into anything unless they are completely submissive with no backbone - especially in a healthy marriage/relationship where decisions are (or should be) made jointly.

He’s just daunted about the amount of work required to get the house to a liveable/comfortable standard.
I bet he’ll love it when it’s all done. Don’t feel guilty for seeing an opportunity that will better your family. As I said, if he was that against the idea he should have said. You haven’t orchestrated this move alone. He must have agreed to it in the first place!

Well how involved do you need him to be in doing it up? I'd you can do it with minimal enthusiasm from him I'd go for it.

We don't know he didn't - sounds to me like OP has just chosen not to listen to any protestations

This completely irradiates my initial comment. 🙄 If he didn’t want to, it definitely required further discussion/ compromise.

See my second comment.

Quite literally not moving and waiting until something comes up that is mutual agreed on, or when compromises need to be made on one persons behalf waiting until both sides are completely assured and comfortable. He’s a fool for letting it go on for so long in this case but you’re just as bad for not taking his hesitation seriously. Needs a serious conversation.

In ten years time he will think it was his idea😸.

Unless it’s a total disaster, in which case it will be your fault.

he didn’t want to move, but we agreed if we found a house that ticked most boxes we would. A year after that we found the house. The only thing putting him off is the renovation side of it. We have the money to renovate so no he won’t be doing the work himself. This house would be our second move and forever home. We have 3 boys in a 3 bed semi so the new house would be ideal. So many reasons to move and the hubby agrees he would love it once it’s done. He is just upset now it’s real and we will be leaving the comforts of our now home to start work on a new one .

You need to sit down and talk through his concerns. See if you can resolve them so he is less against moving.

You have a couple of weeks to back out but i would do it quickly as it's not fair on others in the chain

I would force it through so all the kids have a bedroom. Did you do much work on your current house? We're rubbish at design, if you buy a good one then move into a hole and make bad design choices I can see the pain.

And to some of the comments - I don’t see a house as something I would consider the “next shiny thing” we have talked about the move in length . Just feel sad that he feels this way now . And kind of unsure what to do. 6months from now he will be chuffed we did it.

YANBU - he has had so long to say and now it’s close he needs to get a grip. The benefit to all the kids having a bedroom will be huge for them as they get older. He hasn’t got to do the labour so that’s fine.
I’d be really irritated with the moaning at this point.

I’m am irritated at this point 😂and totally agree about the kids having there own room. Literally the house doesn’t need any walls knocking down. No extension. Survey was fab on it. And my mum said we can stay with her for a few weeks/months whilst the updating is done .

He's just being grumpy. It is shit doing a house up, but this move sounds sensible.

He’s just nervous and feeling a bit daunted by the stress of living in a project. I’m having a new bathroom soon and feeling the same!

He will be fine once you get going with it all and he starts to see it taking shape. Reassure him that he’s going to love living there.

Without pulling out it and losing money I guess the ships sailed with the current situation. But probably once you move in it would maybe do you both some good to try some therapy? It’s not really ideal to have one partner essentially bulldoze something as significant as a house move but nor is it great for the other partner to not have a backbone and then build up all this resentment which spills out once the horse has bolted. I think you both need to work on communication if you want to clear the air and move on after six months plus of renovation. But imagine every little hiccup of renovating (which are inevitable let’s be honest) will see lots of resentful comments and sulking heading your way, so maybe brace yourself for the storm coming.

Is it the hassle of moving, the renovation / work that needs doing, or the fact you need to live with your mum for an extended time whilst it's done that's putting him off?

He is a grump 😂 totally agree it’s always shit doing a house up and some don’t like change but it is a sensible move

My dh had cold feet at this point fearing making wrong decision/leaving a home we had made ours. Carried on moved and best decision we made.