Arguments over moving house

[Green3]

AIBU? Long story short , a house came up for sale in the village over from ours. It needs work but it’s the perfect house, ticks every box. Bedroom each for the children, big garden, walking distance to school, walking distance to the husbands local pub, to the rugby club to his parents etc . It’s where my husband grew up. I love the house and I don’t mind a renovation project. It’s still up the road from my family too. Love the area. Financially we would be better off too. The husband has gone along with it all, wasn’t keen on the work to be done but said a year from now when it’s done he will be happy just dreads the thought of all the work. Now that we are like 3-4 weeks away from the actually move and it’s real(we get a completion/exchange date next week) he’s upset we are moving. Loves the house we are in and says I’ve dragged him to move and can’t be happy for it. I will admit I have pushed it as it’s literally an amazing home and I can see the potential it has without having to extend. The house we’re in now is a 3 bed semi , and the house we’re are moving to is a 4 bed detached . Same price. It’s causing huge arguments now and I’m unsure what to do? My mentality is hard work pays off, anything you want in life worth having will be a little hard. Love him to death but he’s the opposite 😂 he is happy to plod along in life and isn’t one for change . AIBU?

Honestly, I'd press on and get it done. Take the lead on all the work and try not to burden / involve him.

Also Try and get the builders to do it in a timely manner and make early/quick decisions

I'd also find a way throw in a brucy bonus for your husband wothin the renovations.

A nice office area / a man cave woth a home brewing kit / a fancy shed / a cocktail bar thing / a hottub .... whatever
Some shite like that
It gives him a light at the end of a hard tunnel and will grease the wheels

I reckon he’s getting in quickly now so he can moan and blame you when you move in so nip it in the bud and tell him to stop being a baby.
How old are your kids? Do they know they’re about to get their own rooms? (Or even if they want to keep sharing, a playroom?!)
Would he be happy to tell them he’s taking that away from them?

My mum is good as gold, not ideal to live with her as so used to our own life and space. But it’s solely the renovation side that he now feels daunted about.

I will try this. 😂 honestly he’s good as gold, but he would be happy to just stay in the same place all his life. And I’ve already got my mentality in place to make this as easy as possible for him. Will be so worth it in the end

In that case, I guess my thought is that if you stay at your current home you might want to do some changes anyway as your kids get older. But maybe try and find out exactly what's daunting him about the renovation aspect and how to mitigate that as much as possible.

IF you were to pull out now he’d soon regret it when in a few years you have 3 giant teenage boys squashed in a too small a space and in the mean time the 4 bed has resold and is now looking beautiful.

if he’s a creature of habit then he’s just got jitters, of course you’ve pushed through, he’d likely never do much or change anything otherwise. He’s said himself he’ll be happy there once it’s all done.
and what’s a year in the grand scheme of things when you’ll have decades of living in a beautiful home with lots of space.

tell him to stop blaming you for his passivity and to stop being a grump

Seriously it works amazingly. If you know what he'd love just announce it as part of the plan because he is such q great dad / husband and you want him to know howuch you appreciate him blah blah.

When i wanted to up the cleaners hours (which was So needed) my dh kicked off big style about cost... loads of push back and grumbling. so i said id really think about it and also show him what the 4hrs a week would do for us as a family.
i gave him a list of what would be covered and when he saw the cleaner would iron his shirts he was pure delighted with himself and i never heard a complaint again

I've given this advice to several friends and they are shocked at how well it works.

Men often feel overlooked within the family and sometimes cant express themselves well.
I'd say he is nervous / dreading the upheaval if you are sure its right for the family go for it.

I think all you can do is reassure him that it will be a bit of upheaval but it will be totally worth it in the end. You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs! Plus remind him of the benefits of the new property that you simply won't have if you (wasting your money and time) stay where you are.

These things are always daunting especially if you don't particularly like change, but once all the work has been done, he'll be so glad you made the move.

This 🙌 perfectly said thank you!

It sounds crazy not to do it. A bigger place in a better location l, the freedom of not giving lifts/ school runs and walking to and from the pub! What’s not to like??
Such a shame your H is so unhappy about it. What would he say if you seriously offered to pull out and halt the move? Is he just having a bit of a grumble that could be appeased by you taking on the volume of all the work or is it genuinely damaging to your relationship because he feels unheard and bulldozed?
can you take him out and have a serious chat @Green3 ?
good luck with it x

Even do a list of pros and cons (if any) and ask him to look at it and add to it if he has any reasons to add. Seeing it written down may make him realise you're right

The OP hasn't lost interest.

Sounds like he is overwhelmed.
My husband was a bit when we bought a large old house and had a 6 month renovation ahead of us.

But all these years later it has been a large comfortable home in a fantastic urban setting with a huge garden that will provide three priceless sites for our children.

Each child having a room during the teenage years is an enormous blessing.
One of the reasons that has helped our children grow up such close friends is because they had their own privacy and space.

Yes to some months of a bit of work and perhaps stress but the long-term payback sounds huge.

Push through this.
Your anger if you don't will be more divisive than his.
Tell him that!

Well if this is the only negative, it’s a bit of a non-issue isn’t it. Sometimes a bit of effort is required to get you what you want in life. He’ll survive!

His feelings are valid but I can’t see why he can’t be on the same page

It’s a bit unreasonable to expect someone to feel exactly the same way that you do about something, just because you want them to.

Thank you, no doubt he probably is overwhelmed as his character doesn’t like change and he’s happy and content where he is.
but for me I agree it’s a no brainer , the benefits far outweigh the negatives. And it will be hard for a few months but long term it will be amazing.

OP we are living in. 2 bed tiny cottage that's needs full renovation, it's a 5 year project large scale extension etc. We moved here from a large 5 bed Georgian house, full restored and featured in a magazine.

The word compromise sums up our move, my DH didn't love the move, my kids hated this place it didn't suit lots of things but I spent 8 years living in the bigger house and not loving the location.

I kind of forced this move I had the vision this was going to be a happy house, it felt like home it gave "me" a fab feeling and 2 years on we are just getting planning to start work and everyone will admit through gritted teeth that this was a fantastic move.

It's less money, less stress, perfect location, fab countryside and just works.

I would in your shoes just be selfish, stick to your guns if you have the conviction it's a good move just move.

Your DH has had plenty of time to say more, it's deeply unfair of him to say something now and I'd say "too late" once you are in just ignore nay moaning and get on with live.

Sounds like he's just nervous, and as long are narrated as whole is OK then go with your gut.

Can I just say I didn’t expect this many replies , thank you all for the comments. I will have a chat tonight and agree we may not have to have the same feelings towards the move but it will be so worth it in the end. I feel better about it now 😂🤎 thank you all

I moved at the start of 2024 but in the weeks before I got massive cold feet like this. It took me about a month to settle but once I did I realised the move was the perfect thing to have done.

I know later on in the year this will all be a distant memory and he will be chuffed we did it ! Glad it all worked out for you too x

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

You wanted to move and he didn’t.
He loves where he lives, you don’t.
You can see the potential, he can only see the work.

You want to blissfully move to your new house and anticipating his opposite reaction yiu don’t want his attitude.

It is unreasonable to expect him to be blissful about this just because you want that. Moving house is an enormous upheaval as is a renovation project with unseen costs, hassle and stress.

It sounds like you are seeing the whole thing through very rose tinted glasses and he is seeing his reality.

OP, YABU.

Good luck @Green3 as others have said, it's for the long term gain and sounds like a really exciting project.

It's so easy to stay in your comfort zone, I can understand your DH getting the jitters, just gently encourage him and don't throw away this fantastic opportunity, they don't come along that often, so you have to seize the day.

Taking a second thought. Does anyone else think if roles were reversed and the husband wanted to move and the wife is hesitant the advice would be the same?

I think it would be more like - don’t let him talk you into something you don’t want to do, this is emotional bullying, why are your feelings the only ones that matter etc.

Financially we would be better off too.

How is that so when the two houses cost the same?

Lower council tax, paying off a loan with the equity too etc .