I’m getting totally disrespected - I want out

[KAYlett]

Hi, I hope some of you will feel similar or be able to give me advice.
im having a Shirley valentine moment.
I am a mum of 2 older children that expect me to wait hand foot and finger on them. I always did when they were young ( mistake of course) but now and for over 13 years I’ve had a job and still do the same chores I did before. I love looking after people and I’m happy when they are happy.My mum is now living with us and I am looking after everyone. I know that I’ve made a rod for my own back, yes in some ways I have but I’ve done it out of love. I just wish my family respected me and I am thinking about leaving the lot of them.
im also menopausal and my husband is a dick !

Time to make changes!

What would happen if you just… didn’t wait hand and foot on them?

Stop doing it all.

Go on strike !

Well, I love my family, but I don’t bustle around after them. It’s perfectly possible to be a loving parent and spouse and do the minimum of housework, cooking etc.

Go on holiday, just you, and let them cope while you’re gone. And when you come back implement a rota system.

Well my own mother said that I was too good a mother. Obviously a back handed compliment. This is coming from a mum that left her family. That is probably my hang up and I tried too hard.
It doesn’t warrant being treated like a doormat though does it? Maybe I’m too naive?

How old are the kids?

They are both in their 20s

Where can you go for a week or a fortnight? Sort something out for mum if needs be.

The weirdest thing is, no one appreciates you while you are doing everything. You're invisible until you stop, at which point they start appreciating you. It's so irritating.

Just call a "family meeting" and tell everyone that the current system isn't working. You're busier than you used to be, the children are older and more capable now and also need to learn self-sufficiency and prepare for being on their own, your mum's a new addition to the household and whatever she's able to do to contribute will be new to everyone. (I'm assuming it's just the 4 of you.) Then divide up all the shared household responsibilities and set the expectation that each household member also cares for their own rooms, cleaning up after themselves, etc. unless someone genuinely isn't capable. Sure, go away for a solo holiday too - but get the core issue sorted out first so you're not dreading going home. Adventure's great, but your everyday life shouldn't be something you're wanting to escape because people around you are selfish.

Thank you for the advice. Yes they are very selfish but I feel I’ve created that. Actually I will refrain from completely blaming myself
its the nature nurture debate isn’t it?
I though that I was showing generosity and kindness and wanted it to be reciprocated.
maybe they were born little shits!? 😂

Umm. So stop doing it all?

All of these people can sort themselves out. They are all adults.

Why do you feel the need to wait on them? Perhaps therapy would help you answer that.

Do any of them actually care about you or only what you do for them?

I believe that they only care what I do for them which is hurtful
Probably narcissist, which is why I think I just want out

Do you know what is fantastic OP? They are all independent adults so you can actually stop doing anything for everyone and if they don't step up and keep the place how you want it, you can leave.

Thank you everyone for giving me your time and advice.
I only turned to my phone to stick some music on whilst I was getting upset and found myself looking for something else.
My first time here on mumsnet and I’m glad I poured it all out.
you’ve made me feel better x

They’re adults! Time they left. And if they can’t – cozza living and all that – they can certainly shape up.

Look after yourself only: make food for you, do washing for you, clean up after you. They’re on their own.

I said you are being unreasonable because if you haven’t communicated what you want from them or are not being clear and assertive and looking after your own needs other people aren’t mind readers and are just in their own heads. I know it would be lovely if everyone was empathetic and naturally unselfish but it’s rare this happens without deliberately designing a household system that works better for you. They’re probably all very comfortable at the moment with you as the household servant sadly. So either a Greek island or some tough love.

It’s so much harder to change when people are in the same routines and habits for years but if you are prepared to make the changes and put up with the fall out then read up about assertive communication techniques and making strong boundaries. No guilt inducing or blaming just positively and clearly stating how you want to live. Obviously it’s going to be challenging. Very good luckOP.

but I’ve done it out of love

But you robbed them of independence, self respect,

It not too late, you don’t have to cook tea, do their washing, pick up after them - they are more than welcome to find their own homes and leave you in peace.

First find something to do outside the home 2/4 nights a week where you look after yourself.

Then make plans every weekend even if it’s a walk in the fresh air and feel better about yourself.

As my user name suggests I’m also a sandwich in between young adult children and a mother that really hasn’t ever known how to be kind and who now literally lives near me after having a lot of distance. And it’s made me sad. Yeah. Sigh.

Time to call a family meeting. Explain that you are all adults and so now it's time for things to change. That means a rota for chores and everyone doing their bit. Spell out for them exactly what your expectations are, eg. They are now responsible for their own laundry. Tell them if they don't like it they are welcome to leave if they don't like it.

I think you are probably a kind and generous person who is being taken advantage of.
I don’t think you should blame yourself as these are grown adults now who should not be taking advantage. I think you are probably correct though that for you, doing everything when they were little was a demonstration of the love you wanted them to have - and to know they had as your own mother left. It is possible still to love them but also draw some boundaries as to what you will and will not do. And they are no longer little and do not need you to do everything. In fact this infantilises them and so it is right that they should take on responsibility for themselves. So no need to feel guilty.
i am not sure what to suggest about your mother, though - she left when you were a child and Joe tells you that you are too good a mother rather than offering anything constructive?
What would happen if you went away for a week? Just yourself, taking a bit of time to think about what you want?

I have asked many times for help etc and they say all the right things but don’t actually do it.
if there is blame then it is all of us that are to blame. You are correct that I am maybe not being assertive enough.
I didn’t think it was rare that people naturally wanted to be helpful and needed to be told to do so. Is it rare to want to help your own mother out ? I’m doing that now with my own mother because she is very Ill even though she wasn’t a great parent.
I cannot imagine my lot looking after me even though I have been there for them.
im off to Greece !!