I’m getting totally disrespected - I want out

[KAYlett]

Hi, I hope some of you will feel similar or be able to give me advice.
im having a Shirley valentine moment.
I am a mum of 2 older children that expect me to wait hand foot and finger on them. I always did when they were young ( mistake of course) but now and for over 13 years I’ve had a job and still do the same chores I did before. I love looking after people and I’m happy when they are happy.My mum is now living with us and I am looking after everyone. I know that I’ve made a rod for my own back, yes in some ways I have but I’ve done it out of love. I just wish my family respected me and I am thinking about leaving the lot of them.
im also menopausal and my husband is a dick !

tell the adult children what you expect in terms of their contribution, whether that is responsibility for meal prep/housework - if they don't accept this, then give them a deadline to move out by.

I totally hear this. My house is full of inefficient men and there's me running around shouting while they ignore me. I've recently told DH that if it doesn't change I'm leaving as I don't want to be this person who shouts all the time. I think I mean it, I think he believes me. Short term I've researched local hotels and I can get a room for around £40 per night if I need to escape short term. Enough is enough.

👏👏

Ugh I actually cannot stand young adults having put up with them all through Christmas. My dsis (21) expects to be waited on 24/7. Dm puts up with it and caters to her every request for fear of upsetting her. It's pathetic tbh. She moved her bf in for the whole of Christmas and dm cooked him a fry every day while he and dsis stayed in the bedroom all day with no input at all to the household. Dm is a mug and I told her this.

Also dh nieces & nephews are all the same age. They don't want to pay their way towards anything. We got pizzas for the adults and low and behold all young adults and their other halves appeared and ate most of the dominos , about 3 slices each. Why the eff can't they get their own? Lazy, entitled little sh**s , they all work but still expect handouts from older family members all the time. Bloody joke. I hate them all 🤣

Well done for getting your thoughts in order and deciding to give yourself priority to enjoy life more!
There are several strands operating here. In no particular order:

Your mother - you have your own reasons for wanting to be a dutiful daughter even though she was not a good mother to you. You mention palliative care which suggests that there is a time limit to this situation. Can you arrange with a hospice for respite care from time to time to give you a break?

Your husband- You mention he speaks to you in a 'derogatory manner ' which will set the tone for your children's behaviour too. I have read that contempt is the number one marriage-killer. Do you see yourself wanting to grow old with him? You have a job so in your shoes I would try to squirrel away a potential running-away fund just in case. It can a!ways pivot to a 'fun fund' if your marriage improves - or doesn't.

Your children - As many posters have pointed out, it is time to make them more responsible for themselves and contribute to the running of the household. For example, very stripped-back personal services and no more laundry. You need your time and energy for yourself. Your days of skivvying
are DONE. Have you had any conversations about how they see their own future homes? Perhaps you could mention the idea of down-sizing in the near future to unsettle their cosy expectations a bit. They are taking for granted that you will always be doing what you do.

The menopause - This is a natural time for reassessing one's life. Once through to the other side many women find they have a new kick-ass energy for life and do not take crap any more! I hope this will be your experience too - it's great!

A new you - @NameChanged9 wrote a brilliant post fizzing with ideas to exp!ore! I am going to follow up a couple of suggestions myself!

I really hope 2025 will be a game-changer for you! Good luck!

One of the best things I ever did was go back to work, OP. It wasn't even about the badly-needed money, but more about not being available for everyone else and them seeing me as a person instead of a series of functions for facilitating an easier life for them. It improved my self-esteem and widened my social circle as well. I don't have a "career" kind of job atm, but one which I like, and am lucky to feel like I have landed in a supportive, nurturing environment. (Very rare these days, I know.)

I am in a similar situation to you OP, minus the sick parent but with a disabled husband instead. Becoming increasingly resentful of them all, esp my sons age 22 & 19. DS 1 is messy, he likes to cook & makes dinner fairly regularly but he leaves the kitchen like a bomb site.DS 2 is just lazy. They are supposed to do their own laundry but on the odd occasions they actually bother to do any they leave the wet washing in the machine and go to work/uni etc so I end up hanging it up to dry which takes longer than bunging it in the machine!

I work shift shifts & often come home to sink full of dishes, kitchen a mess, towels on bathroom floor etc. They were actually better when young teens as if I was working weekends i would whatsapp them a list to pick from & they mostly did it. Now they are too busy,have plans, essays to write etc. Always an excuse! I have a dd too who is better than her brothers but it bothers me that she is expected to take on the chores while they laze about just cos shes female!
This new year im setting my own boundaries! Starting with laundry! I won’t be doing it for them. If they leave wet washing in machine it will go in a basket for them to deal with whenever! Tough shit if they find their work clothes are wet. Hopefully it will teach them to prioritise laundry over playstation!
I’ll be watching this thread for tips!