I’m getting totally disrespected - I want out

[KAYlett]

Hi, I hope some of you will feel similar or be able to give me advice.
im having a Shirley valentine moment.
I am a mum of 2 older children that expect me to wait hand foot and finger on them. I always did when they were young ( mistake of course) but now and for over 13 years I’ve had a job and still do the same chores I did before. I love looking after people and I’m happy when they are happy.My mum is now living with us and I am looking after everyone. I know that I’ve made a rod for my own back, yes in some ways I have but I’ve done it out of love. I just wish my family respected me and I am thinking about leaving the lot of them.
im also menopausal and my husband is a dick !

Why is your husband a dick?

Are your kids working and paying rent?

I love looking after people and I’m happy when they are happy.

There are a lot of people who think that this way of being/ pattern of behaviour is actually a coping mechanism called people pleasing and that it doesn’t really make a person happy in the longer term. Coping mechanisms are usually there because of having to cope with early trauma. People pleasing rarely leads to being respected because if you keep giving the recipients can become expectant/entitled and that doesn’t feel good.

You need to change your behaviour towards them so that things feel more balanced for you. They are taking advantage of your kindness and generosity and nobody likes feeling taken advantage of.

Shit, how do I stop this, I actually need to find what makes me happy and not what makes other people happy. I’m bloody 50 years old! It’s going to be a hard habit to break, but thank you for your honesty

You sound like a people pleaser and that would be ok if it makes you happy but it obviously doesn't. I suggest you stop doing so much and suggest that chores are shared out more evenly as you are all adults especially if you work. No one loves a martyr and you need time to yourself. You don't get respect by helping people. If you are lucky they will appreciate the help at some point. Can you take a day to yourself as a first step? Just go out and leave them to it.

Can you do as another poster suggested and set a family meeting? Tell them that you're going to need them to step up and you'll step back. Be specific. (If anyone refuses to attend you send them an email recap)

-Annie, I've been ironing your bras, I will not be doing that from now on. The iron is in the laundry room. Unplug when done using it.
-Bob, I've been brushing you teeth every night. I won't be doing that, the toothbrush etc is in the medicine cabinet.
-Husband, I've been handling all the shopping and cooking. You'll be taking over the shopping. The list is on the fridge door.
-Mother I've moved you in here and have washed your feet daily. I won't be doing that anymore, there's a long handled brush in the tub for you.

Obviously tailor list to the group/tasks.

Then you sit back and watch all hell break loose. They'll ignore your requests and you will be blamed for lost mail, keys, meals not prepared, clothes unwashed etc etc. You simply smile and say I explained all this to you all on Jan 3. You do not negotiate, do the task, fix the problem created when they opted not to do it themselves.

There is a theory called the extinction burst where when trying to change a behavior it initially become much worse, hits a crescendo during which you MUST NOT give in, then it recedes and the behavior usually improves. As with a toddler learning not to call mama to the crib every 5 minutes, the hardest part is you not stepping back in and doing the thing.

These are capable adults, all of them. Yes you created this monster but its not too late to change. What if you did decide to walk away? They'd have to do these menial tasks wouldn't they? Also for the love of god if you have a son teach him to cook very basic foods, and to do laundry!! We don't need any more helpless adult men loosed on the world, his future wife shouldn't have to continue what you're doing!

Please do some thinking about how you see your life improving and then take steps to get there. Get back into/begin a hobby, make time for your social life, etc.

I’m learning some lessons here. My sister called me a people pleasure and I was devastated. It felt like such a low blow. Especially because it felt like I was doing a favour to people but I am in actual fact wanting to be needed, liked etc.
Who needs therapy girls!
me probably 😂
I’m going to make some changes , get my big girl pants on and start being that fierce 50 year old ❤️

My daughters are in their 30s and would help me out if I asked them. They are busy with work and families but still they do things like cook for us in exchange for us helping with GC/DIY etc. if you have asked and they won't help unless they have a good reason they sound selfish.

Was it a unilateral decision you made to have your mum live with you and is this part of why you need some extra help? What are you asking of them?

Do you have exacting housework standards?

Why is your husband a dick and has this always been the case?

Someone told me that teenagers/young adults being obnoxious is natures way of telling the parents it is time to kick them out the nest. With this boomerang generation that has never been more true.

My daughters went to uni and from there went to their own homes and appreciated more than ever what had been done for them when they had to do it for themselves. Maybe this is what your adult children need. A dose of reality of what it is to be independent

Good fir you OP. You'll actually be doing your children's future partners a favour.

I dated a mummy's boy. Nightmare. Couldn't do anything in the house. Had to be taught everything. By me. That's not my job. Put me right off him. As did his lack of gumption to do anything without being told. Or inability to remember how to work the washing machine in order to get out of doing it.

Was the main cause of our split. He was none idle.

This, go away and leave the little shits to sort themselves out, you deserve some YOU time.

If I was to go away on my own I’d go back to Gran Canaria, Puerto Mogan and stay in the LIVVO apartments. I was there a few years ago with my daughter on a girlie holiday, but I could quite easily go there on my own.

It’s never too late to go on strike. I bought 3 wash baskets one each for DH DS DSS and told them we are each responsible for our own washing. DS18 DSS17 are ace at doing their own DH regrets never putting g his fresh laundered clothes away and hates doing his own. I’m no longer taken for granted.

Seriously, can you just grab your passport and a bag of clothes - quietly - and bugger off for a couple of weeks? Lots of places in Europe are very cheap right now or sign up as a volunteer; make chips and egg and get free B&B in return!!

Go on holiday by yourself with minimal notice. Then when you're back just look after yourself- cook your own food, wash your own clothes etc. don't do anything for them. They'll soon realise.

@KAYlett

I actually agree with this. Maybe not bugger off to parts unknown, but do you have any relatives or friends you could go visit for even a week or two?

My DH and DS2 do appreciate what I do with sort of an 'everyday appreciation'. They do their own laundry, pick up after themselves and the like. But they don't always see the little things I do to keep the home running smoothly. I don't do this with the purpose of making them 'miss me', but every year I go visit my old hometown and stay with my family for a couple of weeks and when I get home I am treated like a queen and told how things 'just aren't the same' without me there. So I say, go. Don't stock up on food, don't scour the house from top to bottom. Don't do the laundry before you leave. Just leave it all to be done.

I said YBA because you are enabling the behaviour. You have a house full of adults and you are the skivvy for all of them. I hate housework and there is no way I would be lumbered with everything while everyone else had a free ride.

You need to have a very frank conversation that everyone looks after their own washing etc and household chores are shared. What I've done in the past (with two people) is split all jobs and do them week about so no one can complain they're doing more. A good split IME has one person doing the shopping, cooking and keeping the kitchen clean. Otherwise arguments arise if someone has to do the dishes after a messy cook. It's amazing not to have to think about food for a week.

Was it a unilateral decision you made to have your mum live with you and is this part of why you need some extra help? What are you asking of them?
Do you have exacting housework standards?
Why is your husband a dick and has this always been the case?

my mum is seriously Ill and I wanted to give her palliative care in comfort. I’m not doing this for her favour or love, I’m not people pleasing in this respect, I genuinely believe that you should treat others as you wish yourself to be treated. Brought up a catholic and even though I’m a nonbeliever now this stuck with me and it is how I try to live my life . I’m no bloody Angel / martyr but I can only try and do what if feel is the right thing to do. My mum is in actual fact a nightmare and I do not need or seek her approval, she is just in great need of care.
My husband was okay with this until he thought that I wasn’t giving him as much attention. It is now a tense environment.
Exacting Housework standards ? I have given up trying to keep a house with 5 adults in it clean and tidy. I do my best but nobody does anything. Im exhausted so I don’t bother with the fight.
my husband, (the crux of why I think the kids disrespect me) speaks to me in a derogatory manner. Not always, but enough .The more I type the more I see what an idiot I am for putting up with it.

People slag off tik tok but there are a huge number of videos on there about people pleasing and why people do it. Lots of advice on breaking the cycle from therapists. My dearest friend is a chronic people pleaser( childhood trauma and the need to step up and parent her parent at 11) and she has realised a lot about why she feels responsible for everyone else's happiness, why she must prevent any upset etc etc. " Say no, sit with those uncomfortable feelings that you aren't leaping in to solve everything, let the other person absorb the 'no' and solve the problem for themselves" rinse and repeat intil it becomes second nature.

Tell them if they don't sort themselves out, you'll be leaving and setting up somewhere on your own!

@KAYlett
Plenty of good advice from others about things needing to change for you and ideas for stepping back.
It might be hard, but I hope you manage to implement some of these ideas and things improve for you. When setting your new boundaries, remember not to give in to pressure from others! And keep trying even if you find it hard, as it should get easier with time.

In response to your comments above about finding what makes you happy, try and ask yourself these questions and see if that sparks anything (no need to write answers to them on MN if you don’t want to - totally up to you).

Think back to your childhood, can you remember anything from then that you enjoyed? Did you have a favourite lesson at school? Did you enjoy a certain sport or hobby or club?
Was there anything from secondary school that you really liked/that made you happy? Any extracurricular activities or trips? Any assemblies that fascinated you? Any lessons/hobbies/clubs? Any subjects you were keen to do at O Level or beyond?
Is there anything that makes your heart sing?
Any films you’ve always loved? Any TV shows etc. that you enjoy/used to enjoy? Any concerts, theatre shows or comedians you’d love to see?
Any holidays you used to dream of doing (whether you haven’t yet fulfilled that dream, or maybe you did the holiday ages ago and would love to go again).

There’s lots of questions above and I feel like it’s best to gently probe your own mind. It could well take a while to feel that you know yourself better, but any steps you take is progress in the right direction!

Are there any community groups, clubs or projects you’d enjoy getting involved with? I imagine having something just for you, even just once a week could really help you feel like you’re a higher priority and feel more worthwhile. Just a few suggestions: any exercise classes, Pilates/yoga/Tai Chi, gym session, swimming, aqua aerobics, cycling, walking groups, gardening group, art club/class, sewing/knitting/crochet group, book group (like in a local library), board games group, religious group etc. so many options! Anything that made you think ‘hmm I think I’d like that’ or ‘maybe I could try that’?

If you love helping others, what about any local volunteering you could do? There’s probably lots of places that would appreciate your help much more than your family do!! E.g. charity shops, local museum/animal charity/nature reserve, National Trust/local historical attraction, tourist attraction, volunteering in the day centre of a local branch of a national charity etc.

Five adults in a house is a lot by itself. Is the issue that none of these people appreciate you or that you feel they're stealing your time?

@KAYlett you don't have to leave but you can, immediately, change what you are prepared to do.

It would seem that your focus should be on your Mum (despite your difficulties in the past) Concentrate on that.

As for your husband and children, they're adults and can fend for themselves.

The problem with being a people pleaser is, it's soul destroying.

It makes you ill, it's time to look after yourself @KAYlett

Have a wee think about how you want your life to look and take the steps to make it so.

The rest of them will survive 💐

Sounds like your husband is the real issue. He doesn’t support you or respect you, and the children (even though older, it sounds like it’s all they’ve known) are following his lead.

Can you get help for your mum?

Crete / Kefalonia / an other beautiful Greek island is waiting for you! Xx

@KAYlett
Also, please look into “time banking” as I think you’d be very interested! It’s a way of volunteering in your local community (as much or little as you want - all volunteering is done in one-hour chunks) and an opportunity to make new friends. I think you might really like it!
How timebanking works - Timebanking UK

And, final thing, the charity Barnardo’s has quite a variety of volunteering opportunities. E.g. retail volunteers, volunteer gardeners, volunteer office staff, helpers with children’s activity groups, becoming a mentor/supporter to a child in care to become a consistent person in their life over time who can support them. This “Independent Visitors” page gives more information about the last option: https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services/national-independent-visitor-network

This is the general page to find out more about Barnardo’s volunteering: https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer

If my posts help, feel free to save them and come back to them over the future weeks or months if that would help you!

Best of luck with gradually finding yourself and putting yourself first! 🤞

I think you make a decision to do this, and you keep pressing on with this regardless of how much pushback and complaints you get from your family members.
Apparently you should commit to something for 21 days for it to become a habit. So if you commit to putting yourself first in some way for three weeks, it will become a habit.
if you are a people pleaser, and I am one (a more positive way of looking at it is that you see what needs done and do it, or where you can make a contribution to positive change for others and do it), then focusing your efforts for positive action on yourself will seem alien, but actually you can start with small steps. Take a book to your local coffee shop, sit down there with a journal and write down your ideas, join a gym, whatever gets you regular time for yourself. And say no to that time being interrupted.
You have done your bit and more for everyone else already.

If you've asked for 'help' and they say yes but don't do it then you need to down tools.

Laundry is the easiest because it doesnt really affect you but they will notice pretty quickly. Just do your own plus towels.

Cooking . I think it'd feel petty to not cook more if you're doing it anyway but if you're off out or just fancy a sandwich or ready meal then say you won't be cooking and don't.

With shopping I assume they give you food money, you could reduce it and only shop for family meals, they can go and buy their own snack food or specialist items.

You can't get away with not cleaning the house without it affecting you unfortunately.

Incidentally on 'helping you' that's really unhelpful framing - it suggests the housework is your job and they're graciously lightening the load.

I don't really think there's a way of forcing them to do their share, chances are they'd live in a dump rather than do anything. And you'll be accused of nagging if you have to remind them to do their jobs.

I'd be asking them to leave, not because they aren't helping but because they are being so disrespectful.

Adult children?? Fuck the lot of them. Move out. Sell up. Buy a one bed cottage and don't pass in your new address.