To have no idea how to deal with cultural heritage?

[NameChange100021]

Name change for this, but regular poster. Apologies if anything sounds racist - I really try to avoid anything politically incorrect but race and skin colour comes into this.

DS is 6. I'm white british - very pale skin. Father is Indian/Pakistani (it horrifies me I don't know which, he's spent time in and has family in both) - not on the birth certificate, conception was after rape (old colleague, not horrendous circumstances, it's taken me a while to actually identify it as rape).

He's aware DS exists and I've offered him contact if he wants (he doesn't). I don't want to hinder any future relationship between them but realistically there may never be any - he's just not at all interested.

So far I've conveniently lived my life with DS as though our lives are totally normal - living with one parent, spoken lots about UK and world history in general but nothing about Indian/Pakistani origins. His skin has always 'passed' I suppose is the word, as white and I've never mentioned anything to the contrary, but it's now evening out a little darker, and we get a lot of well-meant questions about his dad's ethnicity. He hasn't asked any questions yet except the whole 'do I have a dad' thing - I used that to explain why his skin tone is a little darker than mine.

Which leads to my current crisis of confidence really! Obviously he does have a rich cultural background on his dads side - should I be introducing him to any of it? And if so at what stages and in how much depth?

Well, if you want to introduce him to his fathers culture then you'll need to at least find out which country's he's from. Indian and Pakistani cultures are very different from each other.

Its not your responsibility though and your son can always make enquires and explore when he's much older.

Not really. For all concerned he has one cultural heritage and it is yours because you are his only patent. He can decide to learn about his "heritage" when he is older but it's not really something you should take on.
My dad was a Jew but completely absent from my life. Jewish culture is fascinating but not something I wish I was exposed to as a child by a mother who had little to do with it. I look Jewish but I don't feel Jewish, not do I particularly claim any right to feel that way. It's an accident of birth and it's OK to leave it at that.

His father does not have a rich cultural background if his own personal culture is to rape women, and white women at that probably because he thinks they are an easy target. Obviously in Pakistani / Indian families there is culture and heritage etc but I’m not certain you should be celebrating this with your son, especially given the circumstances. I’m sorry you had to go through that OP. Maybe he can ask his own questions once he’s an adult? I am guessing he doesn’t know he is a result of rape?

Thanks @PoissonOfTheChrist - I don't think I'll ever find out (I've asked a few times and he gets quite angry thinking I'm looking for ways to 'out' him to his family)

I know I can just leave it and he can research later on - that's kind of what I've been doing, just wondering if I'm making a mistake. Thanks @Catza for your experience - I hope he can see it this way when he's older.

I think that given the circumstances its best for you to just consider your son as white and deal with the "who is my Dad" stuff later.
Its going to be tricky though so good luck. do you have any IRL support who knows the full story?

That is fair. I just didn't want my personal experiences to colour introducing my son to this background, but I think you're all right and I can leave it - he can look into it when he's older if he wants to. I just tend to overthink 😂

And no, he doesn't understand rape thank god and I wouldn't ever mention that I don't think. My parents grew up hating each other/complaining about each other in front of me and that's why I've tried to keep things civil and only said very measured things to DS!

I don’t think it’s your responsibility to educate your son on your rapist’s cultural heritage. By all means help your son to explore his background if he expresses an interest in future (and if you feel comfortable doing so) but let him take the lead.

Do you know this man's surname? I wonder would that give you a clue as to where he's from.

Most people close to me know almost the full story, very mixed opinions on how much I should share going from nothing at all to holidaying frequently in India/Pakistan (not going to happen).

I can't believe that you want your child to have a relationship with your rapist.
Or have I read the post wrong.

Thank you 😊

There was something very wrong with your rapist's background that allowed him to think it was okay to rape you. I do not think this is something to celebrate or investigate. You must just focus on yourself and your son. I can't imagine how difficult it will be to explain to him about his father. But I think you can't lie or sugar-coat it too much, or else he will blame you. Well done for being brave.

@romdowa it's one very, very common in both countries (as well as his first name), frustratingly. I've done as much digging as I can but he doesn't have much of a digital footprint and we stopped working together a long time ago so I've stopped digging for now.

Carrying off from what @romdowa said , if you know his name then you can work out his religion and potentially region / caste which would be a a big step in understanding his Indian / Pakistani culture. Then at least you have something to tell your son if he asks. Beyond this he might not want to know more

The most important culture is the one you show him at home

It's a complicated situation op.

Even if you knew definitively his heritage, in what way would you introduce it to your ds or help him understand it. In practical terms what would it look like?

For all concerned he has one cultural heritage and it is yours because you are his only patent

I agree with the poster who said this.

I am in a similar situation, EXDH left and i have 2 mixed ethnicity DCs. Agree with a pp that you can't really introduce a heritage or culture if you don't know which.
Mine know they have a half arabic background and sometimes refer to themselves as such, but I dont feel I need to labour the point, they are English. Plenty of non white brits consider themselves just British.

I'm so sorry to hear about the circumstances of DS' conception and think you are very brave and resilient for giving the father a chance to be in DS' life. However, for your own mental and emotional health, I would not have this man in your or DS' life. This notion that children need a dad in their lives no matter the cost isn't right - especially when (i) he raped you therefore your child could live with the knowledge they are a product of rape which is really traumatising (ii) he has no interest in his son. If his dad is in his life, you can't hide the facts of his conception as he's likely to figure it out himself with age.

This means you can introduce him to elements of his cultural heritage only in so much as you understand it and is accessible to you. He can be aware he's half south Asian, know the history and geography, the food, politics but it's important to teach him that his cultural heritage is that of his mother and family raising him - not the absentee dad. I'm from south Asia and moved to the UK in 2008 and culturally could not be more different to people who's families moved here in the 60s. This is because my home country has changed over decades but Asian culture in the UK has stood still at the last cultural reference point of the 60s. So my child (my DH is white English) will have a very different cultural heritage than my neighbour's third gen Indian/Pakistani children. And they'll both struggle back home and feel culturally deficient anyway, something I accept as the price of moving to a different culture. So my point is - just teach him whatever you know, don't force it onto him and it's not the end of the world if he doesn't pick up anything but British culture because he is growing up here after all. Culture is fluid and what you make of it.

Then you've done all you can it sounds like and you can't introduce him to a culture which you don't know. So I wouldn't worry about it any longer.

Some of the comments on here are concerning.

Firstly, I'm sorry such a horrific thing harmed to you OP I hope you've had therapy? rape crisis might be able to help you if you haven't.

I do think because your child isn't white and is mixed race there is some learning to be done and bringing him up as white can cause an identity crisis much later on. It might be worth moving this or having a different thread in the South Asian section as people might be able to help privately if you give a surname etc if you don't know anyone who is south Asian.

However, to the other posters her child deserves to know about their culture and heritage for a plethora of reasons including health reasons and racism etc there's some odd comments about how the child shouldn't know about their heritage because it represents rape etc and this is firstly stereotyping and an awful thing to perpetuate. Some of you should be ashamed at your comments

I am wondering if you are okay, and if some counselling would be useful as a way to explore your own feelings and work out how to navigate this for your son. 💐Sometimes talking it through face to face can be valuable, with someone who is empathic and skilled, but is not emotionally involved.

Anyone can call themselves a counsellor and offer paid services so I would recommend using the counsellors directory on the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy website.

Her child doesn't need the father in their life to learn about the culture! As someone with a close friend who learnt much later in life she was the product of rape, it was devastating for her and needed years of therapy to sort through. She wished her mum had kept the man away from their lives, as seeing her mum spend time with her rapist has been a mind f* on boundaries. I am also south Asian, grew up in the country and have parents who still live there. So believe me I understand more about 'knowing your culture' as an immigrant to the UK who will also be raising a mixed race/cultural heritage child than most.

her child is entitled to know who he is and his background for many reasons, that doesn't exclude the horrific circumstances which brought him into the world but conflating the two issues only harms the child in the long term, she shouldn't take the child to the man however.

I would start introducing the fact that your DS is mixed race. Just tell him his Dad was from a S Asian / Indian sub-continent background, and his name was xxxx, but it was a very short relationship and you were only ever going to be a Mum and Son family.

And personally I would stop considering facilitating contact.

I am guessing he pays no maintenance?

Spoken as someone with no understanding of what it means to be the product of rape. A boy learning that his father raped his mum is the most traumatic thing he can feel - because it will lead of disgust at his origins, a fear he could be the same, an anger towards his father at harming his mother, helplessness that he couldn't change any of it and worse still - a negative association with that heritage

Being British is a perfectly valid cultural heritage - it is a melting pot now of all the different heritages that make it up. In fact the cultural heritage most Asians follow here would leave them feeling out of place in their home country because they will always be seen as British Asian. There isn't a single cultural heritage for anyone mixed race so they will eventually have to just pick what is most accessible and familiar to them, which for OP's son is what he grows up with.

Wow, I’m a little shocked by the comments on here. OP’s child’s biological father is a rapist who happens to be from a different ethnic background not a rapist because he is from that background. Yes, those countries have different laws and norms to the UK around sex, some which allow or encourage horrendous acts, but not every person who comes from there agrees with it and saying they do is quite racist.

OP, as someone from a mixed background, I personally think you’d do your son a disservice if you don’t expose him to his racial background to some extent. It doesn’t need to be in a lot of depth as he can decide when he’s older how important it is to him. However, if he doesn’t understand very clearly that he is not fully white it could make life a bit difficult and confusing for him. As sad as it may feel for you, he will in some situations be othered and he needs the tools and awareness to deal with it.