To have no idea how to deal with cultural heritage?

[NameChange100021]

Name change for this, but regular poster. Apologies if anything sounds racist - I really try to avoid anything politically incorrect but race and skin colour comes into this.

DS is 6. I'm white british - very pale skin. Father is Indian/Pakistani (it horrifies me I don't know which, he's spent time in and has family in both) - not on the birth certificate, conception was after rape (old colleague, not horrendous circumstances, it's taken me a while to actually identify it as rape).

He's aware DS exists and I've offered him contact if he wants (he doesn't). I don't want to hinder any future relationship between them but realistically there may never be any - he's just not at all interested.

So far I've conveniently lived my life with DS as though our lives are totally normal - living with one parent, spoken lots about UK and world history in general but nothing about Indian/Pakistani origins. His skin has always 'passed' I suppose is the word, as white and I've never mentioned anything to the contrary, but it's now evening out a little darker, and we get a lot of well-meant questions about his dad's ethnicity. He hasn't asked any questions yet except the whole 'do I have a dad' thing - I used that to explain why his skin tone is a little darker than mine.

Which leads to my current crisis of confidence really! Obviously he does have a rich cultural background on his dads side - should I be introducing him to any of it? And if so at what stages and in how much depth?

I'm not showing my prejudice I'm Black and have to deal with racism myself and I have mixed race cousins who face racism, I've never met a single person who is mixed race or a person of colour who hasn't dealt with racism at some point in their lives and those who say they haven't often don't realise some of their experiences were race-based coincidentally it's those who weren't brought up with parents who don't see colour only can't recognise racism in their lives.

^ I agree totally with this, was going to mention in a previous post but didn't want to derail

OP: I think this is really important to discuss with your therapist.

Tbh one of the reasons I think you should remove your focus from educating your son about his other racial origin is that the circumstances of his conception were so difficult and his bio father not recognising him also is appalling

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"His father does not have a rich cultural background if his own personal culture is to rape women, and white women at that probably because he thinks they are an easy target"

OP - to add, it is unlikely that a DNA test etc will help. If as you say it is a religion practiced in various South Asian countries, this is likely to be Islam.

I am from a different faith, but people across the India/Pakistan border regions are racially mixed (with origins from Iranian & European people mixed with the local population), partly due to a complex series of migrations over this part of the world.

The biological fathers name will help to some extent (to pinpoint religion/regional origin, some info about family traditional occupation in some cases), but if as you say its common it won't help you that much!

As an outsider, the complexities of South Asian culture are hard to understand: I am still learning new things myself having grown up in the UK, I don't think you are in any position to educate your son on this, and it would do you more harm than good. This is his father's job, but this man is not doing his job, and contact with him would I think be damaging to you

Suggestion of PPs to say simply he has South Asian origins is enough I think

Re how your son deals with being mixed race - tbh so many south asians are in mixed relationships that its pretty common, chances are your son will meet other mixed race kids at school and that is a natural way to raise the subject.

Most of the mixed race asian/white kids I know predominantly focus on white culture, even if being raised to speak the language, celebrate religious occassions (eg Diwali for Hindus etc) - its just hard not to being raised in the UK in an English speaking culture. I don't think you are doing your son any disservice: he might want to explore this part of his identity when he is older and more independent.

The only problem with leaving this solely to school is, it could raise more questions and lead to miseducation, I do stand by my point as someone who has family where I've seen the impact of children be brown and their siblings be white and the parent has made zero effort to immerse their child in cultures the child has struggled and wanted to 'belong' it's natural and the OP should be prepared.

your child is a British child growing up in Britain. Therefore bring him up aware that he is mixed race but as any other British child should be raised. That includes knowing about other religions and other religious festivals and being tolerant of other cultures.

It is important that you teach him about misogyny, why that is wrong and why he should treat women respectfully and well. Teach him not to harm those weaker than he is.

There are elements in all cultures that you dont want to teach your child.

Please don’t initiate or allow contact between your son and a sex offender. It’s a small mercy that the father isn’t interested.

I think it’s important he knows he is mixed race but you don’t need to shoulder the responsibility of educating him about a culture that isn’t yours, especially under these circumstances.

I Hope you seek some counselling to help you navigate this.