To have no idea how to deal with cultural heritage?

[NameChange100021]

Name change for this, but regular poster. Apologies if anything sounds racist - I really try to avoid anything politically incorrect but race and skin colour comes into this.

DS is 6. I'm white british - very pale skin. Father is Indian/Pakistani (it horrifies me I don't know which, he's spent time in and has family in both) - not on the birth certificate, conception was after rape (old colleague, not horrendous circumstances, it's taken me a while to actually identify it as rape).

He's aware DS exists and I've offered him contact if he wants (he doesn't). I don't want to hinder any future relationship between them but realistically there may never be any - he's just not at all interested.

So far I've conveniently lived my life with DS as though our lives are totally normal - living with one parent, spoken lots about UK and world history in general but nothing about Indian/Pakistani origins. His skin has always 'passed' I suppose is the word, as white and I've never mentioned anything to the contrary, but it's now evening out a little darker, and we get a lot of well-meant questions about his dad's ethnicity. He hasn't asked any questions yet except the whole 'do I have a dad' thing - I used that to explain why his skin tone is a little darker than mine.

Which leads to my current crisis of confidence really! Obviously he does have a rich cultural background on his dads side - should I be introducing him to any of it? And if so at what stages and in how much depth?

I've worked on this kind of thing as I work on VAWG and I've seen cases where when people disregard the other side things go very wrong i'm also black and a child of immigrants so I understand the immigrant experience.

To give context, I worked on a case where the mother disregarded her child was half black and the child had sickle cell and the mother would not accept the child has sickle cell because she only categorised her child as white. The child was not white but indeed mixed race which delayed the child getting treatment. There are real potential consequences of ignoring the child is British of course but is also mixed race. There is no harm in acknowledging the child is mixed race and the mother does not have to bring that child into that man's life. She absolutely should not do that but she can buy books on south-Asian heritage and be aware of the general culture so her child understands they are mixed-race.

The OP should also consider the therapy of the child when they are older in case there is any negative feelings from how they were born and brought into this world as that will be difficult and the child should be adequately supported through dealing with it.

Can you do a '23 and me' type of DNA test to explore his background? Or is that for adults only?

Thanks all, lots of very interesting thoughts/points of view that I'm taking on board (though I've clearly not dealt with all the trauma as it's upsetting me a bit! Serves me right for putting it on AIBU 😉)

To answer some questions/respond:

Thanks for whoever mentioned working out the religion - I actually knew that already (practised in both countries) and don't know why I didn't focus on that instead of countries! I have lots of the children's books about different faiths - including his - so hopefully that will cover it for now and I'll reference it if DS ever asks.

I've only really accepted it being rape in the last two years (with therapy!) ~ I haven't spoken to/messaged with him since before then. He's never met DS - the conversations about leaving the door open to contact were when DS was born and to be fair if he were ever to want contact he'd likely get it, so I'd rather remain civil in case he ever does. I'm only asking for information about introducing DS to this culture myself - I'm not expecting him to get involved.

@MotherOfRatios I understand the medical background is important - I'm definitely not ignoring that! I always make sure I mention this in any GP appointments etc when ethnicity comes up.

Maintenance is a no - he's now self employed so doubt I'd get anything anyway, and I feel like he would fight paternity and honestly it feels like giving him some kind of power/headspace. I'm proud I can provide a comfortable life for DS solo.

I'd never thought of this! Thank you 😊 Looks like I can, however may wait til he's a bit older and can understand more.

Definitely reach out to rape crisis OP as they have therapies specifically for people who have been raped and it's a very tailored form of therapy which might help you a bit better and you could maybe discuss about the issue when your child is older and how to navigate that because your child probably will need therapy to navigate working through that if you choose to tell him.

It is worth maybe you also reading a couple of books on race just because of you mentioning your child is getting darker they will begin to feel othered at times maybe in some settings especially thinking longer-term like careers it also depends on the type of area you live in do you live in a large city where there is lots of different people of different ethnicities and races or a more rural setting where he will stand out more but all places into how your child will begin to feel as they grow up now is a healthy point to start addressing some of these things before it impacts his mental health.

it's definitely worth maybe changing your username and posting in the south Asian board on how to work out what his ethnicity is or trying to find someone of south Asian heritage in person to help you with that.

it's definitely a difficult issue, so definitely do navigate the situation with care and look after yourself but I definitely would recommend you going back to therapy and maybe ask Mumsnet to delete this thread if it's too triggering?

Sending love ❤️

His family name will most likely give a clear indication of if he is of Muslim, Hindu, or Sikh background. That’s actually just as important than if it’s India or Pakistan.

Hello OP - I'm sorry to hear about the difficult circumstances of your son's conception

Despite being South Asian origin myself, I don't think you have the slightest responsibility to introduce your son to this culture. It is appalling that his father is making no effort to have contact: his responsibility to share his heritage not yours

For your own sake and that of your son, just raise him in your own culture. Mainly because it is yours and you are the only parent

But it wouldn't probably be healthy to the OP if the child had a relationship with the father that would be probably very triggering, so in this instance it is better than mother educates/facilitates learning about the child's heritage because it doesn't seem like a healthy space to introduce the child to the father, even if he wanted to because of how the child was brought into the world.

if the OP does help the child in knowing some things about his heritage as he's mixed race, especially as she has mentioned he's getting darker the child could end up feeling really confused and othered.

Thanks @MotherOfRatios I'll definitely look into more support. I think I've just kind of accepted the realisation it was rape and not processed my emotions properly! Will deffo also check out the South Asian MN board at a later date. Keeping this post though as it's been hugely useful.

We are luckily in a fairly large city - lots of ethnicities around and DS has wide and varied friendship circles in terms of culture/skin tone - none as of yet though are South Asian. Hopefully that will happen in the future.

You'll probably find once you processed it a bit more you can have a more healthy attitude to exploring your child's heritage it must be very hard to do that right now giving you're still processing things so don't put pressure on yourself to do anything now. It's a hard balance I suppose between you being ready but also doing it before your child is confronted with the harsh reality that they are mixed race. But don't do anything whilst you're operating from a space of hurt or pain and in some ways you may always feel some level of anger that but it will get easier within time with therapy and support.

It makes it slightly easier he's probably not the only non-white child in your area so that buys you a bit more time.

Gosh OP.

I came extremely close to living a very similar predicament to you so I absolutely have empathy for your complex experience. But on balance I agree with PP that it's not your responsibility to educate your child on any culture that your rapist may or may not come from.

Your child's racial heritage includes that of his father but his cultural heritage is yours because you are the only one providing the environment that your child grows up in.

Edit to add I agree with suggestions of therapy for the rape. I'm still somewhat affected well over a decade later but therapy has been a life saver. You have to be really brave to confront the idea of being raped, and the fact that rape is actually so common. It's a world view shift.

This is a good way to proceed.

The important thing is to demystify and to detoxify the idea of the missing dad. You don’t want to make the idea if the dad snd his exotic (to you) background a focus of interest and investigation by your little boy. Because that is going to blowback on you big time.

I would agree to an age appropriate “I knew your dad briefly and he shared that he was from the Indian subcontinent. Would you like to find out more about that?”

@MotherOfRatios : I don't think it was clear from my post, I agree with you that OP has no responsibility to include the biological father of her child in her life

OP: this is no criticism, but how can you introduce your son to a culture that you know very little about?

I get the point about being 'othered' (growing up with darker skin in the UK myself, I was often mistaken for mixed race although I am fully South Asian by heritage)

Many many of my asian friends (and siblings) have married white people and so have mixed race children. TBH the kids tend to focus on their white heritage much more, e.g. I showed my mixed race niece (7 yr old) the indian flag when we were watching an event on TV and clearly she wondered why i was bothering!

For your own mental health I would focus on your own heritage & family, and just tell your child what his dad's ethnic origin is when he asks

His father is behaving absolutely appallingly btw: I presume you are not receiving maintenance? This would be much more a focus for me than trying to introduce a culture of someone who thinks its fine to sexually coerce you and then have no relationship with his own child

There's two extreme opinions here: introduce him to "his culture" (what culture? No one has a culture biologically; your culture is the one you're raised in)/he deserves to know his dad or don't ever mention his dad's ethnicity raise him as white.

I say why not go for the middle? It doesn't have to be either or. Give him the facts: your dad is Indian/Pakistani or simply South Asian and tell him you're not sure which of the two, We're not together, We're not in contact, it didn't work out (I'm not in favour of lying to kids about the circumstances of their birth therefore making them think one parent or both parents are what/who they're not. It's okay if he knows his father did a terrible thing or specifically raped you but at what age he knows this is dependent on his maturity level and development).

He deserves to know that he is biracial (white and South asian) as that is his genetic and ethnic makeup and some biological things come with it too but he can be raised in whatever culture you can raise him in which would be by default white British culture because that is the culture you grew up in and know. Nothing wrong with him not knowing South Asian culture until he wants to. South Asian food is all around us so he'll know that part unless you live where there's none at all.

Cultural heritage is different from racial heritage as people have said, so DS would be British unless/until he wants to learn more about the culture he is racially linked to.

I don't get why you say you're horrified you don't know your rapist's cultural background. I think you're doing an amazing job and being extremely strong under difficult circumstances. I don't think you should be at all blaming yourself for not knowing the ins and outs of a man who raped you. This part makes no sense at all, please don't blame yourself unless the situation is very different.

As OP, mentioned they worked together and there seems to be some low contact there, I'd assume OP and his dad had some mutual work relationship and knew each other but a situation led to him raping her. I imagine OP feels she didn't get to know his culture while they were still on a friendly term before he raped her.

However I agree OP that ship has sailed. He raped you and there's no need to feel you did anything wrong in anyway concerning him. I'm sorry you went through what you did and you seem to have a good heart in the way you're considering the situation. Focus on your present and don't make a big deal out of your son's mixed heritage. He's simply part white and part Asian - nothing out of the ordinary. You, on the other hand deserve some peace and healing for what happened to you. @NameChange100021

You can get a DNA test from Ancestry if you both really want to know his ethnic make up.

Why you thought introducing your DS to a rapist father was a good idea is beyond me.

@JingleAaaallTheWay I agree I think there's a lot of people in here who are commenting who are white and will never understand what it is to be like to be othered in society because you're skin is not white hence why it is important that OP doesn't bring the child up as white but instead mixed race and is aware of race and how that shapes her child navigating in the world because whether we like it or not it does impact you in the world to some extent and it would be horrible for the child to experience something not very nice and not understand why because they have been raised as white you can be raised as a mixed race person and be British. I think that is what a lot of people are missing on here. There's no denying that the child is British but the child is also mixed race and deserve to know about their racial identity.

Why not do an ancestry dna on him ? It's only full a vial with saliva .
I'm not sure if they say you have to be a certain age , but surely just checking the breakdown of ethnicities is ok.

Just checked its 13 - 18 with paternal permission . Naughty I know , but how would they find out.

Sorry slight derail, and your post is very thougtful @AgaHorizon but i hugely disagree with one aspect. The op shouldn't tell her son he is the product of rape, what would be the point, - for the sake of truth? What is the value of truth in this situation?

The trauma of op's experience is hers. Children aren't owed the details of their conception and it would be devastating at any age, regardless of level of maturity. If op can keep the truth for him, that is far more beneficial to her son's mental stability.

I just don't think the AIBU is the place for this thread it's a delicate issue and there's a lot of posts on here are failing to consider the 'race' element thus the advice is subpar.

I also agree with this^
Im not sure how it might look like either. What the problem with cultural heritage? I don’t think 6 y.o needs a lot of info on this.
If your son asks you about his Dad tell him that it’s a very brief encounter and you don’t know much about him (which is true) apart that he has India and Pakistani heritage. Add : unfortunately it didn’t work out between us but I’m glad I have you. Kiss him and move to a different topic. Don’t lie. Tell him more when he is older.

before your child is confronted with the harsh reality that they are mixed race.

OMG. WTF?

There are millions of mixed race people in the world.

You are showing your prejudice.

I'm sorry OP you are going through such a hard time. I hope it all works out for you eventually.

Nobody has said his culture or his heritage represents rape. Literally nobody.