Telling someone gift is wrong or keep schtum

[HettyMeg]

Interested in others' views on this. Say a family member had got you something for Christmas and it didn't fit or just wasn't right, would you tell them?

My view is that it's not worth the hassle but then I am a people pleaser. I'll just quietly donate.

YABU = You should tell people if it's the wrong size

YANBU = Suck it up, it's the British way

Signed, the recipient of a pair of kids' (not kid) gloves!

I don't get why people just allow others to waste money on things that you aren't going to use or like.

I find feckless gifts pointless and I just don't understand why people don't try to figure out what someone actually wants (sometimes the case, sometimes they actually convince themselves the person will like it)

I do see things in black and white though and ND and find it really hard to lie or pretend I like something and it's exhausting. British culture is ridiculous.

I've been trying to reduce the gift exchanges but theres always a way around it somehow on their part.

My other half got me some lovely stuff for xmas and at first I wasn't sure about some and tried on and then loved and some didn't fit, he's returned the stuff that doesn't fit and excited about trying to pick something else out for me that fits (bigger size sold out).

MIL buys me stuff to eat I don't like every year, asks OH, he says what, she gets same thing anyway.

Gosh reading that back I sound awful, but I don't care. Cost of living and people still just lie and politely accept things they don't want when people have spent their hard earned cash time and time again. There's nothing wrong with saying no thanks, bit of offence taken, but saved them a lot of money in the long run

I could have written this. Years ago, my mum bought me a gold and diamond cluster ring. Never, in 45 years had I ever worn anything but silver. My style is arty and bohemian, as far removed as it is possible to be from gold and diamonds. I felt the same way as you; she was buying for the woman that she wanted me to be, not the woman I am.

It's in a drawer, it will never see the light of day. I should probably sell it because all it ever does is remind me just how little she understood me.

Depends who it was from, but yes ideally I'd say so.
My MiL used to always buy me clothes... I was a size 6 (which she knew, as often commented on) but would get me size 10-12.
When I'd say, ah thanks, but these are actually a few sizes too big she'd answer with " I think your clothes would look better looser".
So rude.

Tell them very nicely so they can get bigger ones. It’s not actually kind to just waste a present and never tell them.

Well, I’ve still got the “not me at all” gold locket my mum and dad bought me for my 21st, so maybe not the best example.
Dd bought DH a jumper last year, it’s still sat in the bag because he told me 6months later that he hated it. It’s from another country, but if he’d said she could have taken it back for a refund. Instead this quite expensive jumper just sits there.

Wrong size I’d try exchange. But I wouldn’t try change the gift into something else. But my family doesn’t tend to give really expensive gifts

where I am you can easily exchange unused clothing that still had the tags for a different size.

I’d I didn’t like the colour or something and the size was wrong I’d probably take the option to change colours if u could plausibly say oh they didn’t fit so I exchanged but options were limited so they’re blue now.

I think it depends how you go about telling the giver.
My ex DH would always tell me and the kids that our gifts weren't good enough no matter how much time or effort we put into choosing them
E g he went on and on about wanting a race car driving experience. When we gave him one he looked at the voucher, said, "why the fuck would I want to go in that brand of car?" Ripped up the voucher and gave it back. (Along with 2 other similar responses to his other 2 presents). Then posted all over social media that his family hadn't done anything for his birthday.

He'd give back presents the kids made him as they "hadn't tried hard enough" or "you misbehaved before you gave me this so why would I want a present".

But if you do it in a gentle way, know the gift giver well, and it is likely to have been a genuine mistake that they would want to remedy, then in your case I think I'd say something. They probably didn't even notice.

ooh dear, very odd. Maybe politely suggest to the 'gifter' that you got someone else's present?!

If it doesn't fit I'd absolutely say - they've made a mistake rather than a choice. I'd be really upset if I gave a gift that was basically binned/donated because I'd got the sizing wrong
Even if they end up getting something different instead I'd rather know that I hadn't got it right so I could do better next time - taste just means I didn't get what they liked, or they've already got enough of whatever.

I'd ask DH if it was something expensive if he still had a receipt. Anyone else I'd simply thank and donate. My MiL regularly buys me clothes that are either too big or too small every year if too small I give it to my sister and if too big donate to charity.

For something that small and insignificant, definitely not. You can donate them.

If it was something valuable I would so the money wouldn't go to waste

I would tell them. I bought DH a dressing gown for Christmas this year, it said M on the hanger but I noticed when wrapping it that it was XL on the label (it was too late to return before Christmas then, we are returning today). If I hadn't noticed already, I wouldn't have minded if he had said, it was a genuine mistake.

My mum bought me earrings for Christmas this year, they are very pretty but I haven't worn earrings for about 20 years, my hairstyle covers my ears. I did wear them when round hers, but also said something like "these are really pretty, it's a shame you can't really see them with my haircut, I will have to flick my hair about a bit." Which I am hoping was heard as "thank you for these I like them but don't buy me any more". Who knows though!

We have one relative who always sends clothes & they’re either not our style, the wrong size or both! However, he includes a gift receipt so we just quietly go & exchange for something more suitable. I did say about my size once but have since lost quite a lot of weight.

So interesting, the gulf between the kind and the unkind in these responses.

Ihave no idea where this random bloke came from, and I cannot seem to remove him. So welcome random chap!

Haha I think it would be easy for her to take your comment as “I’m going to see if I can make earrings more a part of what I wear by adjusting my behaviour” 😁.

I wouldn't bother about a pair of gloves. Give it to charity. done.

the gift just needs to be politely accepted. It is so so rude when people say they don’t like/ it does t fit etc. it makes the buyer very uncomfortable. Three egs in last few years-

bought a newly engaged colleague a pair of champagne glasses. She took them, examined them and said they did t match. I was so embarrassed and never bought again

bought a close friend a top just because I knew she needed long long sleeves, it was t even an event. I gave it her and she looked at it like shit and said it wasn’t her style. Again, tainted our friendship and I took it to the charity shop

in the last month a colleague left and I organised a collection. Another lovely colleague got her a watch as part of the good bye speech eg. Time spent in this team etc. two weeks later she cornered me alone and asked for the receipt as it was too blingy. I was astounded. I didn’t have it as I didn’t buy it

in all cases I have been left feeling g shit. Maybe I’m the crappest present buyer on earth but it always come from a good place. I have little to do with these 3. I have received unwanted gifts before but always accept graciously. What’s wrong g with that?

If it's someone I know has put a lot of thought into the gift, I accept and appreciate the thought they have put into it. They get a fulsome thank-you for the effort they have gone to.

If it's someone I know hasn't put a lot of thought into it, I don't tell them, because there's no point. They get a polite thank-you.

So much depends on who gave it to you. In your specific case, they have obviously picked up the wrong ones or made a mistake ordering. If it was e.g. my partner, children, sister I would say this. If it was someone else who might expect to see me wearing them, I would also say something. If it was someone I don't see much of, I wouldn't. If it had been something more expensive, like a top or slippers, and they had given me a size I couldn't wear, I would say something, especially if they were likely to buy me similar presents in the future. If something was just not to my taste, I wouldn't say anything because that could cause embarrassment and hurt.

A close family member bought me an item that didn't fit and just took it back home with them so they could return it.
Waste of their money for me to not be able to use said present.

A good friend bought me a cocktail making kit, with cocktail shaker. The cocktail was Espresso Martini. I was actually a bit offended as it's not something I'd have picked in a million years. I hate coffee for a start.
I had bought for her a tub of Jo Malone cream (her favourite), a lovely trinket tray for her jewellery at bedtime, and a small bottle of booze that she likes.
I am almost certain that her gift to me was a regift from someone else, as it made so little sense ...
I decided that the best way around it, was to not even mention the present she gave to me. It was very out of character for me not to say thanks, but I'm sorry, I couldn't quite bring myself to.

I probably wouldn't say anything. My exMIL gave really odd gifts, and everyone in the family would just donate the item (or hoard it in their over stuffed houses for ever more, depending on personality!).

Someone very close to me this year managed to miss the mark, by buying me what they always would, despite the fact that my medical treatment, of which they are fully aware, means that I can't use the items (they also know this). I'm quite ill, it would have been nice if they had taken this into account when buying for me.

I've also dropped some massive hints that I don't like Diptique candles to someone else, but they always buy me one - they're so expensive, it's such a waste!

They were from my mum and I had asked her for a hat and glove set when she asked what I wanted for Christmas. Nothing fancy I'd said. We don't do expensive. I got a hat that's too big and a bit basic but nothing "wrong" with it. And the tiny gloves, which don't fit and don't match the hat. I feel it's a bit thoughtless but not worth upsetting her.

Depends - if you're keeping the exact same item but need a different size, yes fine to ask if you can swap for a different size as you're not insulting their choice.

If you just don't like the style, or colour - no, suck it up. The point of gifts isn't that you have complete control over it otherwise just buy it yourself.

If it was your mother i would ask her politely saying yo like them but the don't fit can exchange ? But only you know how your mother will take it

My own mother says i am hard to buy for - i am like no i am not -a voucher for my hairdresser, voucher for department store, voucher for spa or cash simples. She makes a face and says something like but that's not really a gift is it ? So now i just say thanks and its either sold or put in the charity shop bag. I don't get why she asks
She made a big deal of buying my husband something he will use that just for him when she handed the box over - what was it a voucher for a large shopping centre, its about an hour and a half's drive away, he hasn't set foot in it in about 10 years and i was in it once in the past 3 years - you cant use online either. so will bloody cost us money to spend it 😕Plus he detests shopping. Like what were you thinking
Got presented with a set of very expensive ( i looked up the cost afterwards) from his sister, the are old fashioned and so not our style plus not needed, Currently have them up on EBAY

Good friend of mine bought me a fleece, friends 20 years and she knows i don't wear fleeces, now in charity shop bag
Its annoying that these people are close family and friends but yet don't know you well enough to buy things you like or fit ect. But its hard to say you dont in case you offend