Telling someone gift is wrong or keep schtum

[HettyMeg]

Interested in others' views on this. Say a family member had got you something for Christmas and it didn't fit or just wasn't right, would you tell them?

My view is that it's not worth the hassle but then I am a people pleaser. I'll just quietly donate.

YABU = You should tell people if it's the wrong size

YANBU = Suck it up, it's the British way

Signed, the recipient of a pair of kids' (not kid) gloves!

But this is the exact situation people who speak up are trying to avoid — the total waste of years of money and effort for something the recipient will never like or wear!

I once told my sister I didn’t like her present - I had been polite and said oh thank you, so nice, but for some reason (I suspect she knew it was a bit shit) she had pushed and pushed until in exasperation I told her what I thought - she had got me a perfume that I wear, but she had got it at a Christmas market and it had no box and was brown with age - I suspect someone had been clearing out a bathroom cabinet. So I was actually quite insulted because I knew she wouldn’t have dreamt of buying anything like that for our other sister. It did not end well, and I ended up getting her some flowers because I had upset her. So no, I would not tell your family member - for a pair of gloves, frankly it’s not worth it. I think you just have to assume that the person got it because they thought you’d like it, and look at the motive behind the gift rather than what it actually is. I have a friend whose presents are very hit and miss (more miss than hit, TBH) - this year, she got me a sparkly furry neck thing that I would never wear in a month of Sundays, but I shall say nothing and continue to exchange presents because I know I have had a lot more luck in life than she has.

Oh I understand but tbh I'd rather people didn't buy me gifts at all because I couldn't be unkind and say I didn't like something to a friend and I also don't want the expense and effort of buying gifts for people . Nobody wants to stop the gift giving though!

I rarely tell except for DH. Bad form.

Exactly. After the first time I would have made a point of mentioning repeatedly how much I like silver jewellery, that it suits my skin tone, that I find gold blingy or whatever. Not at the time but in the months leading up to next birthday / Christmas. My friend had a "Carrie" moment when she got a proposal complete with gold ring. She'd never worn gold in her life.

I remember when I was a teen and my parents bought me a piece of jewellery that I didn't like. I told them in a calm way however I was told that I shouldn't have said anything and I should be grateful.

I have put lots of suggestions in over the years about present buying and how to make it easier/a better use of money which have all been rejected. This year we've finally stopped giving and bought our own.

I'm hoping, with things now becoming so expensive, that present giving us cut right back.

But it's not unkind..that's the point. You don't have to be rude about it but it's unkind to express how you feel.

Most shops will easily exchange things without a receipt. I have (many many times) exchanged clothes my MIL bought for my kids, in the wrong size/not the right style/just too damn much.

I'd probably need to figure out how to go about saying it and I'd rather put the effort this year into figuring out how to stop gifts altogether. That's one of my goals for the year

I think you need to say something else you end up on the situation like some of the other posters where the buyer keeps giving you gifts you don't like/won't use as they believe you were happy with the gift

Genuine question - what's unkind about being honest?

You can tell someone in a 'kind' way, rather than saying - 'this gift is shit' but to keep on accepting gifts that are resigned to the junk cupboard/drawer, where's the kindness in that?

I'm autistic and I'm not good with being subtle 😅 so trying to figure out how to say it without being too blunt is difficult for me . Especially since I've said it so many times that I don't wear silver jewellery, in fact I've said I don't want any more jewellery on a few occasions as well.
So what can I do when I say these things but nobody listens

Who are you secretly asking? If you asked the giver, then they know.

The best was my ex who for my special birthday got me a leather watch (I'm vegan) of the brand that is famous for having a little dog on it. The little dog which is the exact same as his exes dog except of the two breeds one is white one is black- but the shape is the same.
I very apologetically told him i didn't want the watch and he shouted at me and called me greedy saying I wanted some expensive designer brand. Dick.
Edit:typo

At the last minute, DH got me something hideous and random that was very expensive, after we had agreed no gifts. He has also thrown away the receipt so I cannot get a refund of the money we dearly need to pay rent and bills and maybe keep 5 or 10 Euros back to buy myself a little treat (to get over the shock of the ugly gift and also treat myself as I had no Christmas or birthday (December) presents from anyone.)

I cannot tell DH his hideous his gift is and how I am hurt that he bought something I don’t like at all when there are so so many cheap and widely available things I do like and have clearly asked for (for my birthday as didn’t know at that point we weren’t doing gifts.) I have just said, I hope it was not very expensive. It’s DS’ birthday next week and I don’t know what we can do for a gift bar stealing one (I won’t do this.)

I basically return everything my mother buys me. I don't tell her though, she'd get offended. But she insists on buying me clothes, none of which I ever like.

I don't think there is any way of saying something that is not going to embarrass the person and hurt their feelings. I think that if you "do" gifts with someone, you are going to have to accept that sometimes you have to declutter or regift stuff, it's just a risk that is inherent to the act of recieving an item that you did not choose. If decluttering or regifting feels like extra work, better to talk to the person and suggest not exchanging gifts going forward.

No I wouldn’t tell them. Many people buy in advance so wouldn’t be able to return items anyway, which would make things even more awkward. I just give items I won’t use to charity, or use them anyway depending on what they are.

It depends on the context I think, who the person is and how your relationship is going. If it’s hanging on a thread, I would keep quiet. If all is fine I might ask if I could change the item because it doesn’t fit or whatever.

Just checking - they aren't those magic gloves that look tiny but expand?? 🤔😃

If they asked I'd tell them. The first year I exchanged gifts with my inlaws they bought me some clothing and asked if I liked it. I was honest and said it wasn't quite my style. My darling MIL said she'd had doubts that it was.

I'm glad I spoke up because every year after that the gifts that she bought me were perfect for me and often things she didn't even know I had my eye on.

Nah I would never say anything unless directly asked.

I have a friend who buys me things she would like. I have very few ornaments in the house. I'm not keen on them and she knows that, yet every year she buys me some random ornament. I keep them for a little while then get rid of them. This year she bought me a beret for Christmas. I don't wear hats but she does, hence she thinks I will love it. Frankly I look ridiculous in it. There's no point in telling her because she won't listen. Everyone else includes gift receipts with clothes. I wouldn't say to anybody that I didn't like their gift though.

No, they're age 6-10! I thought they looked small when I received them and since going to try them on, they don't even reach my wrists - that's when I noticed the age on the label!

I'm autistic too! I've had to learn how to 'soften the edges', especially in situations such as this. I don't always get it right 😅

I worry about 'waste' and the needless expense. I try and live by a rule that if something in my home isn't useful or beautiful (to me), it can't stay.

I'm at the point in my life now where I am confident to say I don't celebrate or want Christmas gifts. One person continually ignores my wishes, every single year. So now, to address this, I accept their gifts and donate everything to my local charity shop. In fact, I'm going there today with a bag full of stuff.