To ask - can a parent crying in front of a teenage child ever be emotionally abusive?

[WithEase]

I’ve experienced this and it felt like my mum was being abusive

It depends on context. Crying at a funeral, no. Crying to manipulate them into doing something, yes.

Surely it depends on the context?

People are allowed to cry. Even mums.

What felt abusive about it?

Well it can be - but it won't necessarily be - not sure we can tell you any more than you already know, as the one who experienced it. I know I've cried in front of my teenager without any intention of being abusive!

Depends on context really as others have said. I saw my mum cry as a teen. My sister was hard work and at times my mum cried. I never saw it as abusive and I'm sure my sister wouldn't either.

Impossible to say without wider context. I don't think that a teenager seeing that their parent has a range of emotions is intrinsically abusive, although I'm sure crocodile tears to lay on a guilt trip could be a form of emotional abuse.

Possibly, my mother used to regularly use tears for manipulation, make herself the victim (DARVO) or to avoid taking responsibility for things . That was part of her emotional abuse.

As with pps. Crying and blaming the upset on the teen -very abusive. Crying frequently over something else but not trying to minimise how much the teen sees, yes, possibly abusive or at least neglectful/selfish. Crying when something overwhelming has just happened or when discussing something upsetting that nonetheless the teen needs to hear about - normal.

Context is key. Crying because they’re sad - absolutely fine. Crying over something completely irrational or blaming you when it’s not your fault - not OK.

Personally I think it’s fine for parents to normalise crying. We’ve already had a whole generation of emotionally stunted nightmares because the stiff upper lip approach prevailed, let’s not go there again

Yes it definitely can be dependant on the context.
Obviously things in life happen and parents are human beings. My dad dropped dead unexpectedly a few years ago and I was a mess and sobbed a lot in front of my kids.. I don't view that as abusive altho it wasn't ideal and may have upset them.
My gran once sobbed in front of my mum and lay on the ground hysterical because my mum was going on a date when she was 21...
I view that as abusive.

I also think we need to look back and acknowledge, like us, our mums made mistakes. Probably lots of them, like we have and will. I’m not sure how dragging up mistakes years later (unless it was actual abuse) is helpful to anyone (not to mention your kids may well do it to you one day).

my DD is nearly 9 & the only time she has/will see me cry is when our pets die. I don’t cry otherwise. My mum used to cry (not manipulatively, she had reason to cry). Crying to manipulate is not ok but crying for other reasons, is perfectly normal & acceptable.

If a parent is very sad and cries in front of their child, I certainly don’t think that’s abusive.
I’m not saying that your situation wasn’t abusive. But there were a few occasions when I was younger when my mum cried in front of me which were most definitely Not abusive. There have also been times when I have cried in front of my own children and I can say hand on heart there was no emotional manipulation involved.

And also crying when faced with mild reasonable criticism or push back, is abusive. A way to get out of taking any responsibility.

Could some parents turn on the waterworks deliberately in order to manipulate their dc into feeling bad? Yes, I suppose they could.

But on the other hand, the behaviour of some teenagers might be enough to drive their parent to tears of despair, and the teenager might genuinely believe that it is done on purpose when it isn't.

Of course it can- if it is intended to manipulate the emotions or behaviours of the teenager.

Blimey at your mum’s situation but my mum was similar !

My MIL used to cry to manipulate her sons. She still does it but it doesn't work anymore. My DH also used to do it with me which worked until we had kids and then I just lost it with him and said he was like his mum.....that cured it!

Thsnks everyone for responding

The context was I was 17, had dropped out of A levels but was in the process of getting 2 jobs - one in the week and one weekends - so I wasn’t in my room smoking weed or on the streets crimes !!

The incident was in the back of a taxi and she cried silently and gave me no eye contact - just looked straight ahead and scowled

She’d also say she’s been to church and come home and drunkenly tantrum to my Dad that people in church were asking about me leaving school

Not as such. Crying is normal. If she deliberately cries in order to manipulate the child into obeying her, that could be abusive.

I can understand the disappointment of a child dropping out of sixth form. But crying in front of you is too much.

I’ve cried in front of my children before for genuine reasons. E.g. I went through a period of extreme stress where I was being badly bullied and targeted at work and couldn’t hold back the tears one day after work. We are all human at the end of the day. Crying to manipulate is obviously very wrong though.

Well you ask can it ever be - I guess it can be, in some circumstances.

That doesn’t mean that it always is.

In the situation you describe OP I can understand that you might have felt that your mum’s reaction was a bit extreme - and it probably was - but I’d have a hard time labelling it as “abusive”.

Those 2 examples don’t strike me as abusive. She was just showing you she was cross/upset, presumably… I imagine a lot of parents would feel the same and act similarly?
The silent crying is passive aggressive perhaps, and the complaining about people asking about you leaving school is a bit OTT. But personally I wouldn’t class that as emotional abuse.

It doesn’t show that she tried to see your reasons for leaving and empathise, that is true. She just was cross and upset. Not brilliant parenting.

I wouldnt say that's abusive no

I'd assume she was crying because she was disappointed/angry and was silent/looked straight ahead because she probably didnt want to say somthing she would regret

I personally would not say thats abusive. Bit shit yeah, but not abusive

Why do people throw words like abusive around with situations like this?