To ask - can a parent crying in front of a teenage child ever be emotionally abusive?

[WithEase]

I’ve experienced this and it felt like my mum was being abusive

Yes, I think it is abusive. Get on very well with my mother now but she was an absolute cow to me growing up. Have had to let it go for my own mental health and can't really confide in anyone. Golden child was my older brother. She was horrible to me; any attention from my Dad would set her off so I became very insular and had no self esteem. She would harp on how being pregnant with me had ruined her body; she'd had an amazing figure, legs, boobs! Even as a teeny, Teen (!) I hid under baggiest clothes because of her comments - one minute my legs were too skinny next, thighs too big. She'd take all her frustrations out on me - physically - and kept on at me, crying how she was so depressed. I know it started before infant school because for some reason, I didn't go to nursery despite her being a SAHM. I would go to school without having any breakfast. I wouldn't even make myself a hot drink because she'd yell why hadn't I made her special, loose leaf Tea (yup, boiling kettle on a range) and all hell would break loose if I hadn't cleaned out Tea Pot to her specifications - I could have bleached it, 'Thrown' and Fired a new one in a Kiln and still wouldn't have been good enough! I was scouted by a reputable / 'Kosher' Model agency - for hair and hand modelling. Obviously, wasn't allowed to consider. From then on she would insist I did any washing up, cleaning etc without gloves - even if involved corrosive products. For some reason, she didn't give me a Buzz Crop and left my hair alone - probably because completely different to hers re texture and colour.

It conpletely depends on why the adult is crying. It's normal to cry when upset or sad, for example on hearing bad news or at a funeral.

Thanks again - you make so many interesting observations here. For instance the comment about comments ‘landing differently’ - I think this is so true depending on one’s past.

Also - interesting what you say about a need to live up to parental expectation. Both my parents were Oxbridge educated - but at the same time emotionally immature. My mum threw blatant drunken tantrums when was facing a difficult situation and took it out on me - and Dad made excuses for her. Yet I was still expected to come up with the goods, as it were, academically!

I mean my mother’s drunken abuse was a lot to do with the reason I left school in the first place - to earn a wage - for security !

My parents insisted I did A levels and went to uni - with zero consideration that even though in some subjects I had the academic ability to go, it might not have suited my personality!

There are perhaps a few situations in which crying is manipulative to a high degree. No other crying is wrong.

Gosh I sympathise with this post so much and I’m truly sorry you experienced this. My mother was similar. I’m sorry you weren’t allowed to consider modelling. This kind of think tbh is what I’m angry and bitter about now, so I totally get it.

in primary school my mum let me get fat even though I wanted to lose weight desperately . The other thing she did was this - aged 10 I wanted to cut my hair and by the Xmas I turned 11 it looked really nice. However the following year before I went secondary school she made me cut it - railroaded me into cutting it - now a 10 who desperately wanted long hair for the first ever time in their life would hardly want to cut it aged 11! It unfortunately looked awful - I fully appreciate that my mum - who didn’t actually cut it - j had it fine at the hairdressers - couldn’t have possibly Green his awful it would look - but you can imagine being fat, spotty with an awful haircut I was prime bullying target !

Just what is it about toxic mothers and hair??!

You say you get on very well with your mother now. How did you even manage to forgive her? You suffered from child abuse and neglect that most people would find difficult to get over.

Yes I did actually think this

@WithEase and @thepariscrimefiles so many more stories. As said, have had to let it go for own mental health and forgive her because my Dad died just after retiring. She had experienced a very privileged upbringing and don't think she ever got over the shock of having to run a house that had constant visitors without paid help hence, yours truly being skivvy and chief bottle washer. Also, meant to be an amazing student despite hardly ever catching sight of my bedroom because of continuous guests and / or relatives. It sounds I'm putting all the blame on her but father did absolute mad work hours - I don't think he had a clue. Somehow, olives, nuts, snacks etc. would materialise to be on hand with cocktail napkins. Ice, sliced lemons and lime to accompany pre-dinner cocktails, White wine in ice buckets and red wine opened to breathe. Table would be set with ironed and starched tablecloth and napkins, side plates, polished Crystal and Silverware. This would all be magicked out of thin air because bugger all notice. Probably reason why I was such a skinny Kid - dinners for last minute guests would involve multiple trips to the high street because she would never do a list and forget 'essential' ingredients. If I'd had any sense, I would have just have lurked out for as long as possible but way before time of coffee shops and Cafe's were Bangers and Mash style! She's actually a very interesting and intelligent woman. The worst was being the 'dumpee' of all her depression. I'm already starting to hyperventilate as even more memories surface - liqueurs! Why does anyone like effing creme de menthe with crushed ice?! Plus all the effing clearing up!

Sorry I made so many mistakes in my post above

meant to say I wanted to GROW my hair aged 10 and by the time I just turned 11 it was nice

3 months before my 12th birthday she made me cut it and it looked HIDEOUS

Oh yes, it was in my mother’s case. Context is everything.

Yep. Totally agree

I've cried loads in front of my five year old. I'm just an emotional person. Never saw it as abusive.

In your case OP it shows a pattern of behaviour and the intent of the tears was negative. With the backstory she wasn't crying out of concern and with your interests. It was her own.

But in regards to crying being abusive..how do people just not cry? If I'm overwhelmed or upset they just come out 😅 I can't suck them back in. I generally take myself to the loo and take 5. But I can't stop my emotional reactions at all. Like with sad movies, it gets so embarrassing, I try not to when with others then holding it in gives off this awful piggy snort.

I wouldn’t say it’s ‘ abusive’ as such no, damaging maybe , but under the umbrella of abuse I would not say it was that.

I am a very emotional person and if crying in front of your children makes you an abuser then I’m stuffed.

Crying on its own isn't abusive
But as part of a pattern of behaviour it can be.

In your case it sounds like she was an alcoholic (I can't imagine coming back from Church drunk). So maybe Alanon or similar could also help.

I don’t think that having your hair cut is abusive, even if you did want to grow it. There could have been a good reason for it. When my dd was approaching her teens, her hair became very greasy. As it was so long, it took ages to wash and dry it. So I had it cut. Does that make me an abuser?

All children hate to see their parents cry, but it’s a normal human emotion and sometimes women cry. We need to teach our kids that it’s perfectly normal to cry now and then, even for Mums, and the world isn’t ending.

Kindly OP, you seem to be looking for things to have a pop at your mum for. Your language shows that you hold a lot of resentment. Your mum “let you get fat” even though you wanted to lose weight. I have 3 DCs, one was chubby, one was thin and the other was like a rake. I fed them all the same! I really do think that you could use some counselling to explore these resentments because they’re obviously making you very unhappy.

just to clarify - she wouldn’t come back from church drunk but would pour a drink the moment she was home

Thank you. Your analysis on your first paragraph is correct

It just shows mum is human. Something teens need to learn sometimes!